I have posted here before a bit about (CSA) type stuff still can't say it properly.
But in an emdr session recently I was processing a memory and my mind went to some of the times when my dad would be really verbally aggressive when I was meant to be processing a memory of physical violence. The physical being hit with items and running away and being chased and caught and beaten obviously wasn't good and there were things that made me think he might kill us sometimes but the verbal aggression is the thing I have never ever talked about because I am almost as ashamed as I am about the csa stuff.
So my dad would do this thing when he was drunk where he would trap me somewhere and shout really viciously using horrible words saying I was horrible things (the worst words you could use about anyone) and would get really close to my face and and I feel like that was almost worse than the violence in some ways because of the things he said. Where when you are hit with things you know that is wrong. It makes me shake to write it down. The feelings are triggered a lot by things so I often feel small and worthless and like I can't hold my own with normal people who are just themselves.
I feel really stupid bringing this up in therapy because it was words and whatever but why is it so hard.
But in an emdr session recently I was processing a memory and my mind went to some of the times when my dad would be really verbally aggressive when I was meant to be processing a memory of physical violence. The physical being hit with items and running away and being chased and caught and beaten obviously wasn't good and there were things that made me think he might kill us sometimes but the verbal aggression is the thing I have never ever talked about because I am almost as ashamed as I am about the csa stuff.
So my dad would do this thing when he was drunk where he would trap me somewhere and shout really viciously using horrible words saying I was horrible things (the worst words you could use about anyone) and would get really close to my face and and I feel like that was almost worse than the violence in some ways because of the things he said. Where when you are hit with things you know that is wrong. It makes me shake to write it down. The feelings are triggered a lot by things so I often feel small and worthless and like I can't hold my own with normal people who are just themselves.
I feel really stupid bringing this up in therapy because it was words and whatever but why is it so hard.