enough
MyPTSD Pro
I know I am not being watched by my neighbors, my coworkers, people at the grocery store, I am no more interesting than anyone else and I am not doing anything weird or attracting attention to myself.
But I have a life long sense that there are people watching, that I have to do things to avoid attention, that I will be scrutinized and criticized.
I think it is a remnant of an abusive narcissist father.
My father used to catch me walking in parts of the neighborhood where people he didn't approve of lived. He would ask me about it weeks later, like he knew about every time I had been through there.
He wouldn't just say "why are you wearing those frayed blue jeans?' he would say "why are you wearing those same pants you wore three days ago and four days before that and the previous Monday?'
I know I am not being watched, but a little voice in my head is always there asking me "what if someone is watching?' and I can't turn it off. I am not doing anything wrong, maybe I am even doing something I would be proud of, but it takes the pleasure away from the experience when I have to wonder if I am doing it this way because of the little nagging voice and not because it is the right thing to do and I do the right thing.
this is not what most people would call a conscience or character or self-monitoring. it is far more pervasive and in general a negative, uneasy and wrong feeling thing. Like it needs to be toned down to the level of just being a healthy conscience.
Anyone else?
But I have a life long sense that there are people watching, that I have to do things to avoid attention, that I will be scrutinized and criticized.
I think it is a remnant of an abusive narcissist father.
My father used to catch me walking in parts of the neighborhood where people he didn't approve of lived. He would ask me about it weeks later, like he knew about every time I had been through there.
He wouldn't just say "why are you wearing those frayed blue jeans?' he would say "why are you wearing those same pants you wore three days ago and four days before that and the previous Monday?'
I know I am not being watched, but a little voice in my head is always there asking me "what if someone is watching?' and I can't turn it off. I am not doing anything wrong, maybe I am even doing something I would be proud of, but it takes the pleasure away from the experience when I have to wonder if I am doing it this way because of the little nagging voice and not because it is the right thing to do and I do the right thing.
this is not what most people would call a conscience or character or self-monitoring. it is far more pervasive and in general a negative, uneasy and wrong feeling thing. Like it needs to be toned down to the level of just being a healthy conscience.
Anyone else?