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Do You Get Used To Your Spouse Being Ill...

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by permban0077, Nov 17, 2007.

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  1. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    To the point that you are annoyed when well feeling? My husband ("johnny" here) is very used to anger, suicidal thoughts, depression, jumpiness, and anxiety that he is used to this is my personality.

    Before, I had PTSD but it did not come full blown or did not hold me back, I was beyond outgoing and worked late hours so he dealt happily with it then.

    He is used to how I am now. But tonight I drank a few beers curled up with our daughter for a movie and for the first time in so long I had a blast. Nausea lifted with anxiety. I smiled and laughed with her. I tucked her in. That is normally daddy time. I just felt so good for about an hour. I am worn out as sleep deprived as of late from nightmares and anxiety again but I finally felt nice, why would I want to sleep through that? It never happens!

    I curl up in bed with my husband at 11 PM and tickle his ear giggling like a school girl. No, I am unsure what possessed me. He got angry as we are to leave for a trip tomorrow and he needed sleep and angrily reminded me so unless I wanted to drive myself as he knows I cannot.

    OK, I admit I reacted harshly (OK beyond maybe) And stormed out slamming a door you just cannot let me feel well. Slammed a few things on my way through the home bawling.

    He comes out saying he did not mean to hurt me but follows up with but you messing with me was like torture or water boarding. So me being silly and affectionate now is this? I said fine a few months or few years when it comes back I feel good I can try again to be nice?

    Do we sufferers act like such pitiful creatures so often that when we have a moment that we want to cling to that we take you by surprise and you want nothing to do with it? I was not trying to be sexual, but just a hug and a smile. Just wanted to share the moment. As he snores obviously moment is over and I am right back where I was 7 hours ago.

    It just seems it it is expected and OK for me to have PTSD but if I feel well I annoy the shit out of him (very rare I may add) even though this exact personality is what he fell in love with. It is almost like resentment I feel well at a "bad" time. I just want to be with him and it shared with me as it is so rare I feel well. How is it he can be so understanding and caring of symptoms but so pissed at me when I have a moment, as that is all they are, of feeling good?

    When I reacted badly then he was nice again. What am I missing here?

    I come to the carer section with this as this cannot be answered by a sufferer of PTSD.
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  3. wildcritter44

    wildcritter44 Active Member

    Hi Veiled,

    I am not sure :)think:) how things are for relationships with both people having PTSD. So I could be way off base here, but
    Yes maybe you did "catch him off guard" just a little. I sometimes -- find myself caught off guard when ranger seems really happy. I want him to be happy. But that is not what I am acustom to as of the last couple of years.
    You are not wrong for wanting to be happy. You should be happy. You should enjoy being happy and sharing your time with your daughter.
    If you woke him up or he was almost asleep his guarded moment in time, he may have been thrown off track...maybe he had a "bad" moment. Maybe he was being a "butthead"!
    Since I don't know him, I can't venture to guess.
    We all have times when we get irrated about things.
    Just be happy as much as you can--- he will adjust, after all isn't that what we all do in relationships --
    Tell him --that he hurt you -- when he wasn't happy FOR & WITH you --that you were happy...
    Does that make sense?:dontknow:
    I some times get tired of being patient with ranger. I love him very much and I want him to get better and be happy.
    I have to remind myself to accept what is happening for each moment in time that it is.
    I love the moments in time when he is happy or feeling good.
    When he is depressed I try to get him out and do something that I know he loves to do, to change his "state of mind".

    I think -- "I" would have felt he rejected me in my happy state of mind. He may not have meant it that way. But sometimes our views (female) & their views (male) are not always the same. NOT BAD-- JUST DIFFERENT.
    Ranger feels pain ALL the time, some times it is worse than others. I feel that lack of affection, that we use to have, because I can't hug on him and lovingly touch him on the back without hurting him.

    I guess maybe just talking to him about it...if you can?

    any way sorry this is so long...........

    :Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:Hope things get better for you both!!

    Be HAPPY as much as possible whenever possible...
    Take Care
    aka/wildcritter :smile:
  4. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    He is normal for a guy. No, he is not a PTSDer. Carer all the way.
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Oh, I responded before I read your post in its entirety. Maybe he is just tired as he does work so much and it is a penis thing. Guys are way more off than us. Hee hee. Maybe it was just bad timing, it is just I do not get that luxury. When it happens it is so rare I just want to grab and share it. I did explain to him after the fact (my fit) and he followed up but it was like a waterboarding. That did not help. He then tried to get me to come back to our bed as I have not been there this week. Was not happening now. Now I am not sure if I am reacting normal or being PTSDy. If that makes sense.
  6. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    We have been married 26 years when hubby has good days I used to get a little bit excited I think just to lap it up and enjoy those good days. But when the shit hits the fan with him I am cranky and dissapointed which is quite normal the mood changes wear thin after a while.
    When hubby feels like a cuddle and I dont I really sometimes have to force myself to show affection to him when he feels ok when I have had days of having him depressed!
    I hope this isnt confusing?
  7. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    I am fortunate that Anthony is well most of the time veiled however I think 'rejection', whether intentional or not, can be hurtful to anyone.... PTSD suffer or Carer. In the situation where you are not often this way it sounds understandable getting a positive response is then even more important than if you were not ill with PTSD.
  8. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

    Maybe he was just tired.

    Just a thought but being a man & having his beautiful wife starting to show him some love & knowing he would not be able to finish off what is starting... well as I don't have a penis I probably cant answer that one.

    Maybe you just caught him off guard also.

    It is hard because I do love my partner & I have become use to limited physically contact from him. When I do get any it I am also a bit weary as sometimes the 5 mins of cuddles could lead to a day or so of crashing afterwards. So it's not that I don't want the contact I just don't enjoy seeing what it does to him the next day. Catch 22, I suppose.
  9. AdamGT

    AdamGT New Member

    As a carer I know where your hubby is coming from to a degree. A few times in the past my wife has got "Happy" like you did. But it always has been at the worst time for me. I am either very tired, or busy with something like the bills, or like just now. I am down here typing and my wife wanted to talk about something. I told her I'll be done in a few and heard noticable disapointment in her voice. I am still trying to find a way to deal with stuff like that, but don't feel bad. It happens, rather then be upset at it be glad you did have a moment of time where life was good for you. And keep the hope alive that more of those times will happen.
  10. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    This is not exactly the same thing Veiled, however - in my years of attending Al-Anon meetings, I have found it is quite common for the spouse of an alcoholic to feel put out and even jealous when their partner begins to heal. I went through a similar experience years ago when Jim sobered up. I saw him getting better and everyone was complimenting him on his efforts, he was happier as well. Whilst I was happy for him, I also felt a tad jealous, as I had spent the last couple of years being "the strong one" with little recognition of that fact, and suddenly he didn't need me in the same way anymore. One does get used to a certain "role", even a caretaking role, and when that changes there can be some conflict. In the long run however I was pleased he was better, it simply took me a little while to adjust.
  11. Tammy

    Tammy Active Member

    As a carer I think I may have some insight into you partners actions. When Alex is having a good day and he wants to cuddle and talk for hours and things of the like, I find myself wondering how lng it will last for and how his next bad day is going to be for me to cope with. Don't get me wrong I love his affection and as some one else mentioned, sometimes I have to force myself to take the time out and do as he wants. I usually find though that after I share a good day with him, I am on edge waiting for it to be over and the bad days to start up all over again. I used to think this meant he would be having a good day forever, and I would only end up disappointed when he went all ptsdy again. Maybe that is how your partner feels also.
  12. Bella78

    Bella78 Active Member

    This has nothing to do with PTSD and not that having PTSD in a realtionship makes in necessarity "dysfunctional" but in realtionship counselling circles I have read/heard that some couples tend to "feed" off the others needs and when the needs shift, they inadvenrtantly reverse to keep the balance.

    So perhaps on this occasion because after all the time that you are fragile and he takes care of you, since he knew (assume) you were feeling well, he felt able to be not-so-perfect and sensiotive and express himself without treading so gently for once?

    I don't mean for any of that to sound harsh BTW.
  13. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Not harsh at all. I ask questions hoping to get many different perspectives. Thank for taking the time to give me yours!
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