Do you like to be sexually teased by your partner?

[OliveJewel]

I am curious if you like to be sexually teased by your partner even when it doesn’t lead to sex. Or is it frustrating for your partner to tease you and then not have sex with you? I am learning about intimacy.

I was thinking that maybe even if you don’t have sex if it is an intímate partner then sexual teasing could just make life more fun because you know that you will always be having more sex eventually. But my ex felt like I was frustrating him when I didn’t follow through and go all the way. I know it depends on the person and the dynamics but I’m trying to understand if there is such a thing as stable healthy intimacy in general or if there are so many variables that it’s hard to generalize.

 

[Friday]

Looooove it.

…as long as it DOES lead to sex.

Maybe not right that moment, but definitely before I go to sleep, unless some kind of emergency presents.

***

Conversely, however? Especially with blokes I tend to be very careful how far I go, though. Lil bit o’ chub they can live with, just fine. But blue balls from getting them all the way ready, all steel in velvet hard, and then “Nope!” is just cruel.

I’m very touchy-feely even in my platonic relationships. Romantic ones make how physical I am wih friends/family look like Covid social distancing! So even if wasn’t my intent to go as far as I did? (Seriously, I was just getting comfortable on the couch, not actually rubbing my bum on you with mischief in mind, although I’ve certainly done that! Oh, no no no, I’m just streeeeeetching. Cough. Cough. I’ve got this tickle in my throat. 😉 It DOES happen on accident, too. And not just accidentally on purpose). I don’t bring someone to the brink and then just walk away. There’s a reason why that’s a common punishment in BDSM circles.

 

[OliveJewel]

Makes sense, thank you for your reply.

I don’t brink someone to the brink and then just walk away.

Ok so here’s the grey area. “Bring someone to the brink.” There’s a whole range of behaviors that could cause that for someone. And there needs to be intention—just wearing sweat pants is not teasing, unless it is I guess?

Regardless… I get your point and this part was helpful for me to understand your boundary

Maybe not right that moment, but definitely before I go to sleep, unless some kind of emergency presents.

 

[somerandomguy]

I cannot stand it. If you're going to tease me I want follow through. And I want it sooner rather than later. Like, right away.

One of my major triggers is sexual rejection. My abusive ex teased me all the time and then when I approached her for actual sex would get angry and punitive. So I hate it. Usually if I am sexually teased I will shut down and completely ignore it.

Not the healthiest reaction, especially in a relationship. But that's where I am right now.

And there needs to be intention—just wearing sweat pants is not teasing, unless it is I guess?

Usually in popular culture wearing sweatpants signifies the opposite, that one is NOT open to a sexual encounter. You'd have to make it clear to a partner that sweatpants = sexy times.

 

[Movingforward10]

am curious if you like to be sexually teased by your partner even when it doesn’t lead to sex. Or is it frustrating for your partner to tease you and then not have sex with you? I am learning about intimacy.

Anyone has the right to say no at any point.
But with 'teasing' what do you mean? Because I think this could be misconstrued all over the place. One person may think the other is teasing, when the other is not.what is teasing? Everyone's definition might be different?

Usually in popular culture wearing sweatpants signifies the opposite, that one is NOT open to a sexual encounter. You'd have to make it clear to a partner that sweatpants = sexy times.

I don't know about this and disagree totally.
Sex isn't implied or refused by clothing.

 

[somerandomguy]

Sex isn't implied or refused by clothing.

All I can say is it's that way in American culture. I was watching a movie (I can't remember which one) and the main male character had to get home from work before his wife put on her sweats, or he'd have no hope of having sex with her that evening. That was the joke. So whether it's actually true or not, this is a real trope.

Even though we're always told it's not, I believe sex can be and often is encouraged or discouraged by clothing. It is NEVER the same as an actual yes or no. But whether one is approachable for sex is indeed often implied by what a person is wearing, especially between long-term partners.

I'm going to act very differently if my wife comes into the bedroom wearing a sexy negligee vs. her ugliest sweatpants.

 

[OliveJewel]

My abusive ex teased me all the time and then when I approached her for actual sex would get angry and punitive. So I hate it.

That sounds awful! Makes sense that you would hate it.

what is teasing? Everyone's definition might be different?

Yes, the gray area! Reminds me of how I was afraid for a very long time to talk about sex with my T because I thought I would be grooming her. But that’s not how that relationship works.

My ex believed that I was incapable of controlling my sexual urges and so anyone could mind control me into having sex with them—and therefore I was capable of, or actually, cheating on him whenever I was out of his sight.

Just processing this right now but all that was likely projection and so he probably believed he could mind control me into sex whenever he wanted. And he was very coercive with me. And because he saw me as unable to control myself sexually, if I said no (which I could never use that word but had lots of passive ways of trying to get out of sex) he felt I was cheating him of something that I would be so willing to give to a stranger.

Anyway, regarding what teasing is, I think it’s like talking about sex or talking about body parts with a partner, and getting them to think about sex. But then again, men joke about sex and their parts when they don’t think women are around—they like to make each other think about sex and it’s teasing but a different purpose. I only know this from rare times that I overheard guy friends or read an email exchange of an ex and his friend—each time the communication was clearly not meant to include me or other women. I also worked in a lab with all guys and they just stopped censoring themselves around me. In that lab it was a mix of straight and gay men but they all still provoked each other with sexual talk.

But that’s different than when a woman provokes a man with sexual talk and especially if the woman is the partner of the man.

Anyone has the right to say no at any point.

Yes, and anyone has the right to speak up about or leave a partnership in which they feel too much sexual frustration—easier said than done but boundaries are important.

 

[Movingforward10]

ll I can say is it's that way in American culture. I was watching a movie (I can't remember which one) and the main male character had to get home from work before his wife put on her sweats, or he'd have no hope of having sex with her that evening. That was the joke. So whether it's actually true or not, this is a real trope.

Depressing if it is true. But given rape trials seem to centre (when the victim is female) on clothing of the victim, not surprising.

But whether one is approachable for sex is indeed often implied by what a person is wearing, especially between long-term partners.

Maybe in your relationship. But in all??

In mine (coming up to 19 years), we have sex mainly in the morning. So we're in our nightwear already. So what we're wearing is irrelevant. We rarely have sex in an evening. But that's just us.

Anyway, regarding what teasing is, I think it’s like talking about sex or talking about body parts with a partner, and getting them to think about sex.

Maybe it's the intention behind it then? Because talking about sex isn't teasing? Unless it's done in a teasing way? But having a conversation is having a conversation.

Maybe I'm not following this conversation!

a partnership in which they feel too much sexual frustration—easier said than done but boundaries are important.

Yep, agreed.

 

[OliveJewel]

Because talking about sex isn't teasing? Unless it's done in a teasing way? But having a conversation is having a conversation.

I agree! Talking about is not the same as teasing. Which goes for lots of other topics as well. You are following just fine I think. I’m trying to find the edges.

 

[Mach123]

A fun thread but thin ice I think so I’ll just read along lol.

 

[Friday]

There’s a whole range of behaviors that could cause that for someone.

Exactly. Which is why the better I know someone? The easier it is to keep things playful, instead of the kind of kiss that turns into sex, when I’m supposed to be leaving for work.

Everyone has their own unique limits and combos that turn them on, and how far, and how fast. New relationships, you’re learning those, which is half the fun. Established relationships, you’re fluent in them, which is half the challenge.

Maybe in your relationship.

I think that’s they key component right there. Established relationships? Have their own cues/language. But there are also a whooooole lotta trends. Like people often use clothing to signify intent. Although which clothing varies.

Expensive lingerie is often used as a greenlight by women, or expectation (to the point that hurt feelings will happen if it doesn’t spark an immediate reaction). Then there’s always the classic “If her bra and panties match? YOU aren’t the one who decided to have sex!” For some women, though, expensive lingerie is their normal, and indicates nothing except that they’re wearing clothes.

Conversely? I know sooooooo many women, that once their “bedtime socks” go on? It would take a seduction of Olympic proportion to even have them consider sex. I can’t wrap my head around that, in no small part because I despise wearing socks to bed, but I have my own no-no zones so I can appreciate it. It still just makes me laugh, though, when my girlfriends &/or guy friends start talking about “bedtime socks”.

Even though we're always told it's not, I believe sex can be and often is encouraged or discouraged by clothing. It is NEVER the same as an actual yes or no. But whether one is approachable for sex is indeed often implied by what a person is wearing, especially between long-term partners.

Very much agreed.

It’s the difference, I think, between encouraged and excused.

We dress for work, for attention, for functionality, for a lot of different purposes. But just because I’m dressed for work doesn’t mean any employer can yank me off the street and insist I’m working for them. Rapists don’t seem to be able to make that very basic distinction.

I'm going to act very differently if my wife comes into the bedroom wearing a sexy negligee vs. her ugliest sweatpants.

This ALWAYS cracks me the hell up; the grubby-sweat-clothes paradox.

The worse you look?
- The more you get hit on by strangers
- The more you get left alone by people who know you

Sweaty, full of holes, grass stains, shoulda been tossed in the rag bin ages ago workout clothes? Will get you hit on left/right/center. FAR more than in f*ck me pumps and a napkin masquerading as a dress, or even super matchy-matchy yoga gear. As a chick, it’s always a bit brain breaking, (you spend hours getting yourself perfect to barely be spoken to, but when you’re super gross is when all the hot/funny/interesting guys just come out of the woodwork?!? WTF?!?)…

…but I’ve known enough men to know the answer TO that head scratcher: The assumption is that anyone as “pretty” as you can’t be here alone, if you’re all dolled up. But? If you look this good wearing that (sweats) how f*ckable will you be dressed in normal clothes, or dressed up, (or -one better- in the shower in just a few minutes?!?). And if you had someone at home? You’d probably put more effort into your appearance, even to work out. So you’re not only hot, but probably single. Nothing but nothing makes you more approachable, as a chick to men who don’t know you (yet), than looking like hell. The men who DO know you, though? Know any advance is going to be met with “Eeeeew. I’m GROSS. What the hell is wrong with you?!?” 🤣

 

[Movingforward10]

“If her bra and panties match? YOU aren’t the one who decided to have sex!” For some women, though, expensive lingerie is their normal, and indicates nothing except that they’re wearing clothes.

That's why I don't understand it, because my bra and knickers match 99% of the time. And I'm not having sex 99% of the time. And my nightwear is stuff I want to feel attractive in. So for me the version of 'sweatpants' is not wearing make up for the day. But even then I will tell E "I am not wearing make up today", and she won't give a flying fig.

So, I suppose everyone's 'flirt' or 'tease' language is different.