Undiagnosed Doctor Thinks I May Have Ptsd. Still No Reassurance That Things Will Improve.

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mermaid1993

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So... In advance I apologize for the length of this message but I think going in to detail Is necessary at this point. I need all the advice/support I can get as I am currently unfortunately not able to get professional help. (I'm on a waiting list) I don't know what's wrong with me.

Currently : I have no motivation for anything. I feel disgusting, ugly, and fat even though my boyfriend constantly reassures me and tells me I'm beautiful. I am terrified of being alone. I criticize my partner, have been violent and aggressive with him before in the past and I have hurt myself in hopes to get his attention so he will stop being angry with me, or talk to me. I have had sex with him and felt dirty, and disgusting. I have anxiety randomly. I hardly ever leave my apartment anymore. I stay on the computer most days. and I am extremely dependent on my partner ( he does everything for me) and I won't go anywhere without him. (which is obviously stressful for him, and puts pressure on to our relationship) I feel like I can't socialize with other people unless i have a few beers in me. I feel like I'm not good enough for my partner and constantly compare myself to other woman he has been with, and other woman in general. I get very angry easily. If anything ever goes wrong, and doesn't go according to plan I will freak out. I don't get much sleep. I have a lot of vivid crazy dreams. I make tons of lists (It's almost like a compulsion) and It's usually budget lists, or wishlists to the point i will rewrite it over and over again until it's perfect (our room is covered in random lists). I have like 2 friends that I regularly talk to over the internet.

There was a time not too long ago where I drank a bunch of beer, got almost triggered by a song that I heard the day after i was raped when I woke up on my rapists couch that he put on, I got in to a huge fight with my boyfriend which resulted with me hurting myself, and ended up with the cops called and taking me to the hospital to see a doctor. I feel extremely self conscious about my appearance which can lead to extreme paranoia that random strangers in public are giving me dirty looks, and laughing about me. I'm beyond stressed out by our money situation. I feel bored, lonely, and depressed. There has been days where I have broken down and couldn't stop crying. I want to do so many things but don't feel like I am capable of doing them right now. So in other words I feel like I'm stuck, and I'm feeling rather hopeless. I feel angry, and regretful about burning so many bridges in my past, and giving myself a bad reputation. I feel like impulsively buying things, and getting drunk is the only thing that makes me feel excited, and happy.

I am in a committed relationship with my boyfriend in a city I'm not too familiar with. We've have been together for 10 months, and live together and spend pretty much every day together. We get in to nasty fights : we insult each other, get aggressive, and just say really hurtful and mean things to each other. We are both trying to work on not doing that. But we are both pretty stubborn angry people.

So to paint you a picture of my background I'll start off by telling you a bit about my childhood trauma / house hold situation growing up:

I have never met my real father, my mother was a single mother. She had me when she was 18 years old. I was her first child. I lived in a busy city with my grandparents, my 2 uncles, and my aunt who were all much older then I was. My mother struggled, but did everything she could do to support us. I was picked on a lot by my youngest uncle (due to jealously/not used to there being someone else who is younger and is getting more attention then himself) he threw crab apples at me in the backyard with my younger brother years later, destroyed my dolls shaved their heads painted their face black stuck nails in their heads and hung them on the tree outside for me to find them and would start laughing when he saw I was freaking out and crying, he would hit me with a toilet paper roll which would lead to me having a terrible nose bleed, and the list goes on from there.

My grand father was a drunk. he used to beat everyone when my mother was growing up, and then would make up for it by buying their love back with expensive clothing, etc. According to my mother he had hit me when I was a kid, and my mother yelled at him for doing so. I don't remember the time line of my childhood but I do remember not feeling like I had any stability, and constantly wanting attention but never getting it. I remember feeling like I didn't belong like I was some sort of burden on my family. My mother had many boyfriends. I ended up with two younger brothers (we all have different fathers) my second youngest brothers dad is a dead beat who never wanted to pay child support, and was an impulsive liar/gambler. I have a few recollections of memories of my mother and his father having intense arguments and me crying to try to get them to stop at one point in the kitchen. At one point a Christmas or thanksgiving turkey was thrown across the bedroom. I always felt like I didn't belong in my family at an early age. I remember having to go over for dinners at my younger brother's relatives house and feeling like I wasn't apart of the family, and feeling out of place, and like nobody cared about my presence. My brother would pick on me a lot growing up, rubbing it in my face that I didn't know my father saying " at least i know my real dad " which really bothered me.

My mother met my step dad after having my brother and everything was fine at first I was excited because I thought maybe I had a chance at having a father around for once that I could call my dad, because he wasn't blood related to any of us, and my brother wouldn't be able to rub it in my face everytime we got in to an argument.

Long story short there was no happy ending. It felt like everything he did was to impress her or "just for show" he would get extremely hot headed and flip out over little to nothing at times (cutting the milk bag the wrong way, getting in to food we weren't supposed to, etc) me and my younger brother would fight a lot. and his reaction to that was to leave one us on the side of the highway/road when we were driving in his car. He would threaten to do it, and then would pull over and open the car door, make one of us get out, and then would drive away for 10-15 mins. I remember crying on the side of the road as a little girl. once when I was under 12 years old he kicked me out of the apartment and locked the door. I remember him throwing my banana out the door. My mother and him continued screaming at each other. I ate the banana threw the peel on the ground and I got in to the elevator. I didn't know how to use it. and eventually my parents realized I was gone and searched for me and found me in the elevator scared.

I remember crying outside the apartment door. As iI got older my father would get more physical with me when I would act out. He would toss me around like a rag doll, pick me up by the collar of my shirt, and when I was a teenager I started fighting back which resulted with me being on probation, and him constantly blackmailing me with calling the cops, and sending me back to jail. He would wind up with baby scratches on his arm from me trying to get away from him, and then I would end up in a holding cell with bruises covering my body days later. I was just that troubled child on probation.

My mother wouldn't want to hear any of it. I once begged her to get her to leave him, and she basically told me to shut up. Part of my probation condition was to remain at the house, and live there. I felt trapped. It was constant screaming, and when she would be gone to work he would get more physical. He would lie through his teeth, suck up to me and tell me how much he loves me, and how I'm his "baby girl" he would take me out for ice cream, or my fav. fast food restaurant, take me out shopping and tell me to pick out anything I wanted in the store, or let me pick what we were having for dinner. He would be basically kissing my ass.

He would get extremely controlling the older I got to the point I was hardly allowed to leave the house. If I did leave the house he would follow me in his car. My parents made the judge put a no contact order between me and my ex boyfriend (after we got caught shoplifting together at a grocery store under 10 dollars worth of merchandise) he would then follow me around all day in his car wait until he seen me with him take a picture, and show my probation officer (which is a preach and could result in me going to jail) Sometimes he would even harass my friends at the time, and wait outside of their apartment and they would have to tell him to get off their property.

Before I was ever arrested they would just drop me off at the psych ward. anytime I would show any intense emotions, and express myself they would be like "oh have you taken your medication yet today ? " or threaten me with bringing me to the psych ward. I felt abandoned like they were constantly trying to make me somebody else's problem. I didn't feel crazy, and I didn't feel like I belonged in jail or the hospital. I felt betrayed. I would constantly ask myself " how could someone who loves me do this to me? How could anyone's parent's do this to someone they love? " Every negative outburst of emotion, every bad decision was a cry for help, or to hurt myself because I hated myself/life so much. I just wanted to escape from everything, and eventually that ended up being a good 5 years of self destruction. Growing up I didn't have many friends. The one friend I did have ended up dying of cancer when I was 15 years old.

Shortly before she passed away (while she was still deadly sick in the hospital) I ended up getting really black out drunk on whiskey, and beer and got raped by someone who was much older then me. He was in his 20s. I want to say he was 24? i had sex with a guy I was hooking up for awhile that same night. I passed out in the basement (where he sleeps) on a mattress on the floor. I was drunk to the point i was falling all over the place, came up from the basement with no clothes on, puked all over the place, and had no idea what was going on. I was apparently rolling around on the floor asking someone to f*ck me. I don't remember saying that, which is when the guy I was hooking up with took me down stairs to the basement, and had sex with me to "shut me up" Thats when he came back upstairs, and he told everyone I was sick. His friend who I hardly knew at the time went downstairs "to check up on me" when in reality he said " my turn " nobody stopped him. at the time my apparent best friend was there who was a girl. she told me a lot of what happened, and over time since then memories, and flashbacks have occurred. He performed anal/vaginal intercourse on me when I was sooo... black out drunk. I could hardly hold my head up. I remember him saying "it's too tight in your ass"and switching to vaginal. I had never had anal before. I remember being in pain the next day.

After he raped me he went back upstairs shortly after I went upstairs and I seen my friend at the time in the kitchen, I was crying repeatedly saying "no more" and then I started puking. They put me in a tub so she could change my clothes. the guy i was hooking up with, and the guy who raped me came over and both peed on me and I remember trying to hold my head up, and feeling confused and helpless, and I can just remember them laughing but not being able to do anything. It's almost like I could hear what was going on, but I couldn't do or say anything, I'm still confused on that.

After all of that I woke up on the guy who raped me's couch smelling like urine, asking what happened. He gave me a different version of the story not admitting to him peeing on me blaming it all on the guy I was hooking up with. saying it was all him. Acting like he was the hero of the day trying to take me back to my parent's house but then decided I was too drunk, and didn't want me to get in trouble so he brought me to his apartment instead. He told me he went to the basement to check up on me to make sure I was okay, and I started pulling him on to of me. He said he just couldn't resist. but in reality he told everyone in the room "I'm next" When the guy I used to hook up with showed up at his place he told a different story, he was laughing about it all. I was so confused and ashamed I didn't know what to believe.

At the point in time I had no recollection of anything. They then made up a nickname they started calling me "tub girl" word got out (I lived in a small town at the time) and everyone started making fun of me, calling me a drunk slut, saying I slept with a house full of people in that one night, made rumours, and made it out to be all my fault. Nobody called me megan anymore, and years later they still all laugh about it. My theory on it all still till this day was that the guy who raped me was trying to protect himself from getting jumped/beat up. Because everyone knew I was a minor, and he had a girlfriend at the time that was away in another province with someone much bigger than him. So if he blamed me for it all, and made me out to be some horrible drunk slut everyone would be like "yeah she deserved that" or "she was asking for it or probably wanted it"

All of this crap started in the punk scene. I was really timid and soft spoken with my peers back then. I didn't know any better, and I didn't know how to stick up for myself. I had a lot of inner issues and almost felt like I deserved it all. I thought maybe it was my fault. Maybe I am promiscuous and drunk, so I deserved it. They had me believing that everything that ever happened to me was a cause of me sleeping around, and drinking. Even though they would pressure me to drink, and tell me I need to drink more to get a better alcohol tolerance so I could " handle my booze better" They would toss their beer caps at my forty and tell me "That means you have to chug" I think feeling so ashamed, and regretful, and feeling like I was to blame for all of that lead to my alcohol abuse.

Everyone mocked me, I came across people talking about it all over the internet and started breaking down. My parents eventually found out about it and brought me to the hospital to see a nurse, they told me I should press charges but I didn't because everyone else was already making me out to be a liar, or just some drunk slut at a party that was asking for it. So I didn't even bother. I felt like no one would believe me If i spoke out about it, and it would only make people hate me more. At that point I felt like isolating myself from everything, and everyone because no matter where i went it followed me and haunted me .

After my bestfriend passed away with cancer I lost it. I went off the deep end. I would sit there and actually wonder "why couldn't it have been me she didn't deserve to die, I do!" I would drink more regularly drink until I couldn't see straight which only reassured everyone else around me and their belief that I was lying about everything because I was still drinking, and I was sleeping around. I didn't know how to deal with anything at that point in my life. I felt so f*cking alone and sleeping with people even if it was just for one night made me feel less alone. It made me feel desired, and worthy. I had no one to lean back on. I felt like everyone was against me, and nobody cared what I was going through, and It eventually turned me in to a very bitter hostile a human being.

I wasn't drinking to have fun, I was drinking to be numb. Because not feeling anything at all was better than feeling the way I did. I put myself through some really crappy situations. I dated men who I knew were emotionally unavailable, and treated me like crap and who were more f*cked up than i was so I could distract myself from my own problems trying to help with their issues. I had sex with strangers, drank whatever I could get my hands on, cut myself, ran away, preached my probation over and over again, and eventually I put myself on the streets, and then started getting kicked out whenever I would be back at home. I was getting kicked out of everywhere I went.

I built myself a terrible reputation where everyone thought I was just some "drunk, dumb slut". I would get really drunk, and lose my mind, get extremely hostile and freak out at parties,, and break people's belongings, and furniture. I did this at home as well. I became extremely violent, aggressive, and spiteful. I didn't care about anything. I would steal whatever I could. Just horrible things I had done. My parent's would ask me what the hell was wrong with me and all I could say was " I don't know" And I think all of this comes back to the first time I was abused....

I was a young girl. I still remember my denim dress coveralls with little pink and purple flowers stitched in to the dress. I remember his hands being so much bigger than mine, and I remember being in shock. He was my 2nd cousin. He was much older. I was a little girl. My mind tries to block it out every time it crosses my mind. He would make a game out of it. he would call it "the monster game" where he would go under the blankets to try and catch me, and make monster like sounds, and then once he caught me he would sexually assault me. I don't remember if he ever penetrated me I just remember his penis grinding near my butt. and him running to the bathroom. It was something that happened often.

I don't remember much. But I remember my brother was playing video games in the same room while It happened. Our parents would drop us off there to be babysat by my uncle, and aunt, or to go over for dinner. His room was in the basement, and we would usually hang out there. My brother caught on to something going on that wasn't right. and would constantly threaten to bring it up to my mother every time we would fight, or I would threaten to tattle tale on him for doing something he wasn't supposed to do. and he would be like well I'm going tell what you and ____ did. I would get scared. I didn't want them to know. I didn't want to get in trouble. I was so young I didn't know if it was right or wrong. I was so young, I didn't even have my first period. My brother eventually told my mother. she didn't know much. I didn't tell her much I told her nothing happened because I was too scared of getting in trouble. I remember her sitting me down on the couch trying to get me to tell her. It was forgotten shortly after that. We continuously went over there for dinners. He asked me "If i wanted to play the monster game" I told him "No and to never ask me to again" Because I had eventually realized what he was doing was not okay and had the courage to speak up about it. Years later I would see him at family gatherings he wouldn't make eye contact, when I walked in to a room he walked out, almost like he didn't want to see me because it would remind him of what he has done ?

All of this a long with other things that have happened has been really emotionally damaging for me. even years later I am still affected by all of this. A lot of memories that I have been trying to bury for years are suddenly coming back to me. I was on the streets, traveled across the country for a bit by freight trains and hitchhiking , couch surfed, served almost a year in open custody (which is a group home setting but jail) and did years of probation. My parents finally separated years after all of this, after he finally put his hands on her. I'm not close to my family anymore. But still have my mother on fb although we don't talk much. Anytime any serious conversation comes up about my emotional/mental well being with my mother for years now she has always given me one worded answers acts like she doesn't give a shit, and then tells me she's too busy, or has to go, or she's too stressed out to talk about anything. I guess I felt like I was emotionally neglected.

When i was struggling with anxiety before being admitted to a psychiatric unit in the hospital I would come downstairs late at night really upset and tell them it was because it was overwhelming, scary, and I wasn't able to sleep. They would yell at me to go back to bed, tell me to stop being so over dramatic, to grow the f*** up, or tell me i was making it up for attention. ( I had smoked weed for the first time in high school had a horrible panic attack which ended up with me in the E.R and then being terrified of having another panic attack, my legs would tingle and go numb, my heart would race, and I would feel scared to death after weeks having my first panic attack) Even when I was sentenced to open custody for a year they hardly came and see me. I was doing so well. I had a full time job was making a ton of money, was healthy, happy, and sober. My dad came by and took me out for the lunch at a pizza place and the first thing he says to me is "You got fat" in a really mean tone of voice. After that I was conscious about every meal I ate, and worked out even harder at the gym. My mother yelled at me over the phone to go back to school .Even though one of the staff took me to get registered, all my mother had to do was fill out a form and bring it in, which she never did.

I flipped out at her because I thought she would be proud of me doing so well. But that of course wasn't the case.... I just always felt like they never cared about me, and when I needed them the most they weren't there. I needed a parent to be there to kiss everything better and hug me like that kid who falls off that bicycle and scrapes their knee. I never felt like I had any support, even when I wanted things to get better. (ex:wanted to go to rehab but couldn't get in without I.D , her boyfriend had to drive me at the last minute for the assessment even though she said she would, and she wouldn't pay for my I.D, I couldn't work or do anything without ID )

I don't know if my father ever molested me i get random flashbacks of me being in the room and pretending my eyes are closed and him laying beside me and then my mind goes blank. I don't know what's real or not, what actually happened or not. My mind likes to screw around with me a lot. It's just mental torture trying to remember if something really happened or not and trying to piece it all together. There was one occasion when I was much older 17-18 years old at the time he wanted me to go cuddle with him on the couch when he was watching tv (like spooning). I felt really uncomfortable and too awkward to speak out about it. It was so random of him and unlike his character. He had his arms around me and his hands were touching my breasts. Not in my bra or anything, but I just think it's wrong to be spooning with your teenage daughter and weird considering me and my father barely talked, and we didn't get along?

I try to make sense of everything but then it becomes too much. He has told me before when I used to date my ex. that he didn't really love me all I was a piece of ass. That's all I was good for when it came to men in my life. He would compare me to my little brother bring up my dead bestfriend "what would emily think if she was still alive? " My mother did that as well. Just really messed up stuff. I overheard a conversation between my mother and my father " if you don't put her in a group home, I'm leaving you" He was basically emotionally black mailing my mother. I don't know ... I have tried to speak to her about everything, I have sent her some pretty nasty drunk/high messages over fb before, and it's always "we will talk " but it never happens. My mother liked to always pretend we had the perfect family, and nothing was wrong to the outside world, but everything was falling apart.

When they divorced they used me as a pawn to be like "well I did this for her so I care more about our daughter then you do , your a crappy parent blah blah" I felt used, betrayed, unloved especially considering how at that point I had just got back home from running away and being on the streets. Drinking and smoking crack at 17 years old and I was sick as hell, and withdrawing from everything. but they were to wrapped up in their own crap to care, and help me out.

I'm not sure where everything went wrong. the timeline of everything is really blurry. I have felt like I have been on my own for too long. and I need help. I just know I'm tired of feeling this way. I want stability in my life for once. I want to feel somewhat normal, and emotionally stable. I feel like I'm loosing my mind most days. I want to be able to go and experience life. I'm also extremely sick and tired of hating myself, and thinking so poorly about my appearance, and have a crappy self worth/image. I'm tired of fighting with my boyfriend, and taking out all my emotions out on him. I'm tired of wanting to get screwed up to be able to get out of my head for awhile. I guess I'm just tired of everything always being so crazy, and I'm tired of my past haunting me every day.
 
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katiekat

Confident
Hey Mermaid, I am amazed at your strength to post your history and current struggles. I was unable to fully read your post (it reminds me a lot of my past in some ways and I felt myself getting triggered) but I have so much empathy for you, I can feel the hurt you carry and I am so glad you are reaching out for support. I am new to my PTSD diagnosis (found out 4 months ago) but already I have learned a lot and I would like to offer you a few things to try.

If you skeptical, join the club! My therapist is HUGE on mindfulness meditation to help with the anxiety and dissociation. Look up Jon Kabat-Zinn mindfulness meditations on YouTube, and remind yourself that "in this moment, you are OK. As long as you are breathing there is more right with you than wrong." My second piece of advice is to be kind and compassionate to yourself (REALLY!). Eat healthy and exercise, those are two things that will help with depression and anxiety. If you don't feel like exercising, do it anyway-no excuses. If you want to feel better, you have to do a lot of work, but eventually it will feel normal and you will define yourself as a healthy person and embrace who you are whole-heartedly.

For now, that is all I know. You have made a wonderful choice in seeking help and you should be very excited to begin your journey to living the life you know in your heart that you truly deserve. You can do this!!
 

EvenStrongerNow

MyPTSD Pro
(((Mermaid))) and welcome to the forum. You will find a lot of support here. I am unable to read all of your post as well, but I will come back to it and read when I can. I just wanted you to get more replies.

I commend you for opening up and being SO honest about yourself--wanting to change the course of past patterns. Kudos to you!

You're on the right track.

You will learn so much here and I hope to see you around :)
 

Bedbug

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @mermaid1993. I have just read your post and wanted to add a few words of support. None of us can reassure you that things will improve, but things certainly can improve. And there is a lot you can do to help yourself. Take a look at some of the advice here:

Dendrite

This forum is full of good advice and there are many, many kind people on here who will offer support and encouragement. Welcome!
 

CVC

Confident
Welcome to the forum, and thank you for your brave post. I'm sorry you've been through so much pain. There are many people on this forum who can relate. I've found so much support here, and I know you can find the same! Take care.
 
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