• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Does anyone else become more suicidal when they’re dissociated?

Status
Not open for further replies.
I spent most of my life dissociated so I don't know. I used it as an escape. If I sit here and think about it I would say, no, for me it is more like a coping mechanism. As I get more dissociated, I feel safer. For me dissociation is a dreamy, soft, foggy feeling that keeps me from feeling the real world. What is dissociation to you?
 
When in my 20s to early 30s, I only rarely and briefly felt suicidal and perhaps only when alone and dissociating. During my dissociation, I’d felt as though nothing were real, including myself. My self-preservation then seemed totally meaningless. Just like my many panic attacks, my dissociations often seemed to happen spontaneously, out of nowhere.

During my 20s, I was also suffering badly from depression. My panic attacks would be brief, about 1 or 2 minutes, yet awful. For some unexplainable reason, I’d suddenly be overwhelmed with the belief that, I was about to die. My heart would pound. My thoughts would blur. I’d fear I might lose consciousness. Sometimes I’d begin to panic during a simple casual conversation. I’d then be fearful that these people might notice my nervous fidgeting or that an expression of fear might appear on my face.

I most often knew these were internal experiences yet, my body would react to them as if, they were real. How does one run aways from their internal panic attack — they’re immobilizing!

My first T said, I should learn to tolerate my frightening imagination. Yes but how? I was then on the anti-depressant, Elavil, which wasn’t helping. I had previously taking Valium and Tofranil between age 20 and 24 -- just wondering, if, these drugs had contributed to my suicidal thoughts. At age 32, I abruptly stopped taking the Elavil when my first T suddenly died. I haven’t taken any psychotropic drugs since that time -- this was over 40 years ago.

Perhaps my method of meditation wasn’t the best for me. It might have worsening my dissociation. I had been listening to and mentally visualizing classical music to alter my mental state. My visualization skills have always been exceptionally keen, I think -- perhaps my best means of escape. However, I later quit this method of meditation, as it seemed to drain me of energy while increasing my anxieties.

Later, my relaxation therapy with my second T, was entirely different. There I was instructed to focus only on flexing my various muscle groups, then, to focus on feeling these muscles relax. This I did daily, at home, from head to toe -- a boring exercise for sure. Visualizations were only applied later during our sessions, where my T would direct the imaginary narrative.

In regards to suicide —I’ve never planned nor attempted to harm myself though, sometimes I’ve feared that I might. My life has been burdened with many emotionally painful obstacles, not of my choosing. Yet as long as I keep my intense emotions in check, I think I’ll be fine. (Being afraid of my intense emotions is another problem for me) Then too, there’s always a little voice inside my head saying, ‘Don’t …you’ll hurt yourself!’
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top