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Does anyone else feel attached to their trauma?

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gavi

A little over five months ago, I was on a bus that crashed into a bus stop, killing four people. I wasn't injured myself but I tried to help two people on the bus, one of whom I watched bleed out in a very violent way and another who was panicking while I stayed with her for several minutes. I've seen been diagnosed with acute PTSD. My trauma counselor and me recently arrived at the conclusion that I might actually be attached to my trauma--that I'm resistant to getting over it and that losing the feeling of urgency and intensity would feel like losing a part of myself.

Does anybody else feel a similar sense of attachment to their trauma, especially if it was acute/a specific event? Like if they lost "access" to that event by going to therapy they might actually lose a part of themselves? I totally feel that way and I know how unhealthy it is and I'm looking for company/validation/tips for how to get over that attachment or cope with it.
 
The things themselves, depends...

The people within them, definitely.

You aren't losing anything by therapy though... you lived your life. It will always be something that's a part of you. The surrounding issues just don't have to. The pain doesn't have to.

How to's, ime by realizing why you're staying with it and for who.

And deciding what part to keep and not.

All of these easily said, but the work on facets of it can take years or longer.

^^ The somehow shorter / more concise answer.
 
My off the cuff answer is... Nope!

Because processing your trauma doesn’t give you amnesia. Nor does it erase any part of who I am, or the life I’ve lived. I can still remember everything, & still feel everything. What I DON’T do is relive it (flashbacks), have panic attacks related to it, have anxiety attacks related to it, have nightmares related to it, mix up the past and present, mix up people, read people wrongly, get hit with rage, or depression, not be able to trust my own judgment, not be able to remember things I want to, not be able to stop remembering things I don’t want to, etc. I’m not ending relationships, quitting jobs, picking fights, or desperate.

Normal memory. And my life my own. No less me, and quite a lot MORE myself.

That said? I do punish myself with certain things. I rate that pain, and deserve every f*cked up consequence that comes along with it. The people around me don’t... which is an added f*cked up thing I’m responsible for. And another consequence; hurting the people I care about, and having to live with that, as well. <<< a it’s really NOT a healthy outlook, and whilst I’m aware of that? I have to be willing to stop hurting myself, to stop hurting the people around me. It’s an incrediably selfish and useless thing, punishing yourself... especially when the option of redeeming yourself is equally valid. But also a lot less easy.

I have a middling long trauma history, though. So I have the benefit of being able to see both the end results when I do things in different ways, and my motivation behind doing so, as I have dealt with various traumas quite differently. Processing through it? Is best. Hands down.
 
I agree with the above posts. But also, 5 months isn't a massively long time. N I don't mean that dismissively, I mean the trauma is relatively new. So feeling like it derailed your whole life n not being sure how to get past it is really normal at that point. Not necessarily healthy, but pretty normal.
 
I get this. Mines a little different cause trauma was a thing for as long as I can remember and so there’s a lot of trauma that I’d say I’m very attached to in some ways. Because it literally created me. There have been a couple instances of more acute trauma and I don’t know if I would feel the same about them if I hadn’t had the other stuff already. But I do feel like they are a part of me deeply, and ya there is some definite resistance in therapy for them because change is scary, the unknown is scary, and when you’ve gotten into a place where you’re comfortable (even if it isn’t that comfy) being challenged to change that can make anyone resistant. Try to have patience with yourself, 5 months may seem like a long time- but like mentioned earlier it’s really not. Do what we all struggle to do and be kind, caring, and patient with yourself and let yourself take all the time you need.
 
Yeah, I can relate to your post. My brain involuntarily clings to my trauma. It seems really important to not let it go.

For me, it's turned out to be an overlap of PTSD and OCD. I probably had an underlying genetic disposition to OCD and the trauma kicked it off.

It can be tricky finding the line between the two. When is it a PTSD memory, when is it my OCD going over stuff relentlessly, refusing to let it go?

I've found I have to address the OCD aspect of it head on... cos it's a different dynamic. The approaches for PTSD are ineffectual for my brain's OCD patterns.

I think this can be true/ helpful even if it's not "full blown diagnosable OCD" but just OCD tendencies.
 
^^

Is also super important to keep in mind - if you have other things going on or different underlying neurology, if the trauma didn't kick off the other condition(s) into high gear.

Because if it had, easier seen in retrospect than when in it, it's of course gonna mess life up differently and need other tools to get through, than tacking 'just' the new trauma itself.
 
A little over five months ago, I was on a bus that crashed into a bus stop, killing four people. I wasn't injured myself but I tried to help two people on the bus, one of whom I watched bleed out in a very violent way and another who was panicking while I stayed with her for several minutes. I've seen been diagnosed with acute PTSD. My trauma counselor and me recently arrived at the conclusion that I might actually be attached to my trauma--that I'm resistant to getting over it and that losing the feeling of urgency and intensity would feel like losing a part of myself.

Does anybody else feel a similar sense of attachment to their trauma, especially if it was acute/a specific event? Like if they lost "access" to that event by going to therapy they might actually lose a part of themselves? I totally feel that way and I know how unhealthy it is and I'm looking for company/validation/tips for how to get over that attachment or cope with it.

My trauma was the complex ongoing kind since childhood, yet bizarely I still get this sense of attachment to it. Becaue I never grew a seperate self from it, I suppose. Yet I do really want to get well.

Yeah, I can relate to your post. My brain involuntarily clings to my trauma. It seems really important to not let it go.

For me, it's turned out to be an overlap of PTSD and OCD. I probably had an underlying genetic disposition to OCD and the trauma kicked it off.

It can be tricky finding the line between the two. When is it a PTSD memory, when is it my OCD going over stuff relentlessly, refusing to let it go?

I've found I have to address the OCD aspect of it head on... cos it's a different dynamic. The approaches for PTSD are ineffectual for my brain's OCD patterns.

I think this can be true/ helpful even if it's not "full blown diagnosable OCD" but just OCD tendencies.

I very much relate to this too. I also have diagnosis of OCD as well as complex trauma and BPD. it seems t me vital that I don't just let it go and forget. I feel I lost something early on in my life (am not sure what) and somehow letting it go almost invalidates that?
 
A little over five months ago, I was on a bus that crashed into a bus stop, killing four people. I wasn't injured myself but I tried to help two people on the bus, one of whom I watched bleed out in a very violent way and another who was panicking while I stayed with her for several minutes. I've seen been diagnosed with acute PTSD. My trauma counselor and me recently arrived at the conclusion that I might actually be attached to my trauma--that I'm resistant to getting over it and that losing the feeling of urgency and intensity would feel like losing a part of myself.

Does anybody else feel a similar sense of attachment to their trauma, especially if it was acute/a specific event? Like if they lost "access" to that event by going to therapy they might actually lose a part of themselves? I totally feel that way and I know how unhealthy it is and I'm looking for company/validation/tips for how to get over that attachment or cope with it.
I think I understand what you are saying. I call these “ideas” that occurred during the (original) trauma - “tapes”. They seem to be a “thought” I had when the original trauma took place and it sticks out as a very “loud voice” inside of the original traumatic event. Most times it is the first thing to surface from a trauma. Some of these “tapes” are “action tapes” as in I do something “involuntarily” like overeat, quit, Oversleeping, etc.

Other tapes seem to be “feelings trapped inside” The event - sort of like the “tip of an iceberg” Or a clue on a scavenger hunt. I think that what your explaining is a thought that was trapped inside of yourself to protect yourself from the pain. Also a fear that if you “feel” what happens it might be so painful that you die of sorrow. It seems like an odd thing, right? It’s not. Human beings can experience a trauma as a helpless child and tuck it away in their mind for 40 years - when they can handle the pain. Sort of like a mental time traveler! And I think there is a valid reason as to why your “mind” decided you’d die if you “felt” the pain becaue I’ve seen it happen! People who were so defeated (for whatever reason) they died! Also, don’t push yourself wait until YOU are ready!
 
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