Does anyone else struggle with this

oakleaves

Confident
Feeling that if you allow yourself anything nice or a luxury item or allow yourself to relax you will make something bad happen or something bad will happen to punish you? I get really caught up in it and it can become really hard to let myself have or do anything. I don't know if it is a ptsd thing but maybe cptsd and maybe also if you are someone who feels responsible for things. I don't know. It makes decisions take a lot longer than they should and it makes me sad.
 

osiris

MyPTSD Pro
Sorry you’re feeling this way @oakleaves
I deal with these feelings a lot too.

Last night I relaxed, I was wild and free. Today something bad has happened and my overriding thoughts are I caused the bad thing to happen because of yesterday.

The rational part of me can see how they might not be connected, but my emotions are all off kilter and I have spent the last few hours torturing myself about what I made happen.

I can’t offer advice, but at least you will know you aren’t the only one.
 

Skywatcher

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t mind buying myself a reward if it is small like a Starbucks drink, but the big stuff is very hard for me to approve. (I think that may be more of a budget thing—like do I really NEED it.) It is very difficult for me to allow myself to have extra therapy sessions in times of crisis. Also, I tend to take responsibility for all kinds of things that aren’t my fault. Like my teenager forgot to show up for babysitting once and I felt fully responsible. My family members couldn’t understand how that was possibly my fault—because it wasn’t.
 

oakleaves

Confident
Ah I am so sorry you struggle with this too. It's so difficult. I can see for you as someone from the outside that they are definitely not connected and you deserve to have good things and to be able to let yourself relax. Funny how it feels so real internally and like if might be true but then for others you can see.

I don’t mind buying myself a reward if it is small like a Starbucks drink, but the big stuff is very hard for me to approve. (I think that may be more of a budget thing—like do I really NEED it.) It is very difficult for me to allow myself to have extra therapy sessions in times of crisis. Also, I tend to take responsibility for all kinds of things that aren’t my fault. Like my teenager forgot to show up for babysitting once and I felt fully responsible. My family members couldn’t understand how that was possibly my fault—because it wasn’t.

I can really relate to this. Like that over developed sense of responsibility. It's so hard. I wonder whether it's just a sort of learned process that has generalised. Maybe thinking of it like that and stepping back from it can help...
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I used to have it, really bad. Agonized over having anything, worked super hard all the time, if I could even stand up and sometimes I couldn't, was anorexic so hardly ate, and I agonized over buying a $3 skirt from the op shop (you might know them as goodwill shops). I got over it, eventually though, but not f o r years and years.
Now i am buying myself a couple of not small middle eastern handmade carpets, that's how far I've come! They are not cheap!
I had to do a LOT of stuff for other people, though, to feel worthy enough. Really a lot.
And I did live like a "developing country" person for a long time. Super povo.
I must have needed to do it super tough, for some reason. Dunno, it's kinda wrecked me, being so deprived, so I don't recommend it, but, then again, you gotta do what you gotta do.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Feeling that if you allow yourself anything nice or a luxury item or allow yourself to relax you will make something bad happen or something bad will happen to punish you? I get really caught up in it and it can become really hard to let myself have or do anything. I don't know if it is a ptsd thing but maybe cptsd and maybe also if you are someone who feels responsible for things. I don't know. It makes decisions take a lot longer than they should and it makes me sad.


Major cognitive distortion Here: I used to think that if people became my friend, they would die get horribly sick and die. Happened twice.....I quit making friends for a long while. I have since in more recent years, decided I'm not that powerful.
 
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