My boyfriend is a Royal Marine, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and I love him. We are generally a good match and get on well. But the one thing that is putting a strain on our relationship is his short temper and perpetual pessimism. I have, until recently, just put up with it and shrugged it off, but I’m finding it more and more exhausting and I have less and less tolerance for his angry outbursts and his constant judgemental negativity.
He is so level-headed and confident and seems indifferent and quite blazé about the bloody or violent things he witnessed or experienced while in Afghanistan (very few of which he has talked about). The only times I’ve ever realised there must be some trauma was when he burst into tears while watching the Royal British Legion memorial service on TV. I tried to get him to open up about why he was getting upset, but he just said “no one will ever understand what it’s like”. I wonder if he feels responsible for the lads who were killed in action under his command...
He has such a short temper and erupts in an angry outburst at the most trivial things. His reaction is always so over the top, relative to the trigger. For example, having to wait in a queue for more than a minute, heavy traffic, a red light, walking through crowds or just dropping something on the floor. He has absolutely no patience for anything and is only happy and content so long as every single thing goes in his favour (which of course is rarely the case in normal life).
He has a real superiority complex, in that he has absolutely no patience for his fellow humans. He hates having any interaction with people, especially crowds, and has no empathy for people who struggle, e.g. elderly people who take a little longer to park their car or cross a road. I’ve come to really dread going anywhere in the car with him because I know the road rage and fiery temper will start before he’s even left the driveway.
He also has a very sensitive ego - he is very defensive when he might be wrong or has made a mistake and he is quick to patronise me and has unreasonably little patience for me.
I grew up with a very bad-tempered and sexist father and was bullied by my elder brother. I still have a lot of resentment toward my father for how he treated, and still treats, my mother and I know that this resentment causes a sensitivity to my partner’s anger. Every time he erupts in an angry outburst, instead of being projected back to my 12-year-old self and feeling fear, I instead immediately feel anger myself - I feel defensive and protective of the young girl who was subject to the bad moods and short tempers of the men in the household and who witnessed the same in her mother.
I love his soul and his heart and I don’t want to leave him. I’m so proud of him for what he has done to protect our country and feel I can’t blame him for having any mental health problems as a result of his time in Afghanistan. That said, I can’t tolerate his anger if it’s only going to get worse. He would never see a professional, so I’ll never know for sure if he does have PTSD. However, assuming he does helps me understand why he acts the way he does. I just need some help with how to communicate with him - how do I find a balance between helping to diffuse outbursts when they happen without feeling angry myself and assertively setting boundaries without arguing?
He is so level-headed and confident and seems indifferent and quite blazé about the bloody or violent things he witnessed or experienced while in Afghanistan (very few of which he has talked about). The only times I’ve ever realised there must be some trauma was when he burst into tears while watching the Royal British Legion memorial service on TV. I tried to get him to open up about why he was getting upset, but he just said “no one will ever understand what it’s like”. I wonder if he feels responsible for the lads who were killed in action under his command...
He has such a short temper and erupts in an angry outburst at the most trivial things. His reaction is always so over the top, relative to the trigger. For example, having to wait in a queue for more than a minute, heavy traffic, a red light, walking through crowds or just dropping something on the floor. He has absolutely no patience for anything and is only happy and content so long as every single thing goes in his favour (which of course is rarely the case in normal life).
He has a real superiority complex, in that he has absolutely no patience for his fellow humans. He hates having any interaction with people, especially crowds, and has no empathy for people who struggle, e.g. elderly people who take a little longer to park their car or cross a road. I’ve come to really dread going anywhere in the car with him because I know the road rage and fiery temper will start before he’s even left the driveway.
He also has a very sensitive ego - he is very defensive when he might be wrong or has made a mistake and he is quick to patronise me and has unreasonably little patience for me.
I grew up with a very bad-tempered and sexist father and was bullied by my elder brother. I still have a lot of resentment toward my father for how he treated, and still treats, my mother and I know that this resentment causes a sensitivity to my partner’s anger. Every time he erupts in an angry outburst, instead of being projected back to my 12-year-old self and feeling fear, I instead immediately feel anger myself - I feel defensive and protective of the young girl who was subject to the bad moods and short tempers of the men in the household and who witnessed the same in her mother.
I love his soul and his heart and I don’t want to leave him. I’m so proud of him for what he has done to protect our country and feel I can’t blame him for having any mental health problems as a result of his time in Afghanistan. That said, I can’t tolerate his anger if it’s only going to get worse. He would never see a professional, so I’ll never know for sure if he does have PTSD. However, assuming he does helps me understand why he acts the way he does. I just need some help with how to communicate with him - how do I find a balance between helping to diffuse outbursts when they happen without feeling angry myself and assertively setting boundaries without arguing?