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Supporter Does he have PTSD and how can I support him without breaking myself?

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dkb80

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My boyfriend is a Royal Marine, we’ve been together for nearly 5 years and I love him. We are generally a good match and get on well. But the one thing that is putting a strain on our relationship is his short temper and perpetual pessimism. I have, until recently, just put up with it and shrugged it off, but I’m finding it more and more exhausting and I have less and less tolerance for his angry outbursts and his constant judgemental negativity.

He is so level-headed and confident and seems indifferent and quite blazé about the bloody or violent things he witnessed or experienced while in Afghanistan (very few of which he has talked about). The only times I’ve ever realised there must be some trauma was when he burst into tears while watching the Royal British Legion memorial service on TV. I tried to get him to open up about why he was getting upset, but he just said “no one will ever understand what it’s like”. I wonder if he feels responsible for the lads who were killed in action under his command...

He has such a short temper and erupts in an angry outburst at the most trivial things. His reaction is always so over the top, relative to the trigger. For example, having to wait in a queue for more than a minute, heavy traffic, a red light, walking through crowds or just dropping something on the floor. He has absolutely no patience for anything and is only happy and content so long as every single thing goes in his favour (which of course is rarely the case in normal life).

He has a real superiority complex, in that he has absolutely no patience for his fellow humans. He hates having any interaction with people, especially crowds, and has no empathy for people who struggle, e.g. elderly people who take a little longer to park their car or cross a road. I’ve come to really dread going anywhere in the car with him because I know the road rage and fiery temper will start before he’s even left the driveway.

He also has a very sensitive ego - he is very defensive when he might be wrong or has made a mistake and he is quick to patronise me and has unreasonably little patience for me.

I grew up with a very bad-tempered and sexist father and was bullied by my elder brother. I still have a lot of resentment toward my father for how he treated, and still treats, my mother and I know that this resentment causes a sensitivity to my partner’s anger. Every time he erupts in an angry outburst, instead of being projected back to my 12-year-old self and feeling fear, I instead immediately feel anger myself - I feel defensive and protective of the young girl who was subject to the bad moods and short tempers of the men in the household and who witnessed the same in her mother.

I love his soul and his heart and I don’t want to leave him. I’m so proud of him for what he has done to protect our country and feel I can’t blame him for having any mental health problems as a result of his time in Afghanistan. That said, I can’t tolerate his anger if it’s only going to get worse. He would never see a professional, so I’ll never know for sure if he does have PTSD. However, assuming he does helps me understand why he acts the way he does. I just need some help with how to communicate with him - how do I find a balance between helping to diffuse outbursts when they happen without feeling angry myself and assertively setting boundaries without arguing?
 
He may, he may not. None of us are qualified to diagnose over the internet.

He does seem to exhibit some of it, but symptoms overlap in several illnesses/injuries. Is there any way you can convince him to see a professional?

Also, try not to think of it as a superiority complex. If he does indeed have PTSD it’s more of a dysregulation thing. It’s not that he feels better than those people, it’s that he’s stressed to the max and his brain is only allowing room for him to think of escape and absolutely nothing else.
 
assertively setting boundaries without arguing?

One could also say he is a big boy, he can handle his partner arguing, without taking anything out on her.

... Without that though: Decide for yourself, not about his reactions.
How you feel *for you* at this point, already.
Because you can’t do all that much about him, and him modulating his reactions, that is his laundry.

You need to know how you feel now, and I think you answered yourself: You are uncomfortable, already.

Also: Disorders are not an excuse, nor justification, for treating others ill. You ain’t gotta put up with it. He is not exempt from any other rules about being nice.
 
Welcome to the forums @dkb80. :)

I've read your post and picked a few things out to comment on specifically however I do also agree with @Ronin in that regardless of what mental disorder he may or may not have... there are no excuses for being so intolerant.

A few more questions... how old is your bf and did you know him prior to his tour of duty?

We are generally a good match and get on well. But the one thing that is putting a strain on our relationship is his short temper and perpetual pessimism.

^^It seems this one thing is starting to dominate the relationship. You use the word 'pessimism' - do you think he may be depressed?

Have you discussed all of this with him? I mean not in the heat of an argument but rather when he is calm and not distracted by crowds, driving etc., ie when you are both safely at home and had a good day and are well rested etc?

I have, until recently, just put up with it and shrugged it off, but I’m finding it more and more exhausting and I have less and less tolerance for his angry outbursts and his constant judgemental negativity.

^^Has the behaviour escalated or always been so? Why did you put up with it at all? What are you now doing and saying in response to his outbursts? How does he react to your resistance?

Do you feel safe with him?

seems indifferent and quite blazé about the bloody or violent things he witnessed or experie

^^How does this manifest itself? Does he laugh, dismiss or simply not discuss it? If he became upset at an Anniversary I'd imagine it may all mean something to him but I would be wary of assuming you know what. You may never find out exactly what it all means to him and that is still okay.

He has such a short temper and erupts in an angry outburst at the most trivial things.

^^How much stress is he already under? Is he working in a stressful job, are there financial and family worries too? Have a look at the stress cup explanation on this site. He may not have ptsd but may really still be stressed out and reacting to minor things because he simply cannot control the big stuff... idk - you would have an idea though.

I’ve come to really dread going anywhere in the car with him because I know the road rage and fiery temper will start before he’s even left the driveway.

^^Have you discussed this with him when you are not out in the vehicle with him? I don't mean picking an argument but calmly pointed out that aggressive driving is frightening you? Does he understand that you are worried about his attitude when driving?

Don't ever get into cars with aggressive and distracted drivers. You have to put your safety first.

he is quick to patronise me and has unreasonably little patience for me.

^^Has he always been like this towards you? How do you respond?... Appeasing doesn't seem to work any longer or at least it is making you resentful.

I grew up with a very bad-tempered and sexist father and was bullied by my elder brother.

^^It sounds like you are quite sensitive to bad behaviour and that is fine... none of us like to be treated badly. Does your bf know exactly how you were treated and thus your aversion for that kind of behaviour?

He would never see a professional, so I’ll never know for sure if he does have PTSD.

^^Why do you say he would never see a professional? Has he been asked to do so or has he made disparaging remarks about people who have needed mental health support and treatment?

Would you see a professional to get some real life support? Do you have other family or close friends who are there to support you?

However, assuming he does helps me understand why he acts the way he does.

^^ptsd isn't a reason to behave badly, drive aggressively, patronise partners etc., Not coping well with crowds and withdrawing from interactions with ppl., might be mimicking some ptsd symptoms but it also accounts for lots of other personality and mental disorders. So who knows?? It doesn't really help you either way.

You cannot continue to give him discounts for unacceptable behaviour bc you think he may have ptsd or anything else really especially if you know he will refuse to seek treatment.

how do I find a balance between helping to diffuse outbursts when they happen without feeling angry myself and assertively setting boundaries without arguing?

^^I think you need some support to work out how to do this safely. You sound like a intelligent and capable person but sometimes we need someone to lean on whilst we work through puzzles such as this.

You have mentioned you don't want to leave him and are proud of what he has done... but that's not going to help last the distance bc you are wearing the brunt of staying in this relationship. You are wearing down now and you know, I think, that something has to be adjusted.

Setting boundaries is about working out what you want and then letting him know what they are and following through with consequences if or when those boundaries are breached. It's about keeping you sane and safe and hopefully learning to navigate through the relationship and find some peace for yourself. And of course have a happy and healthy relationship! Both of you need boundaries - they are healthy!

If he's got a mental or personality disorder and will not budge about getting some treatment - you have to decide what you are willing to continue to live with. That's what you can do for yourself.

But before you get too frustrated with his behaviour discuss it all with him and let him know this is worrying you.
 
You can try to diffuse the arguments all you want but nothing will change until he admits there's a problem. And gets adequate treatment. In the meantime take care of yourself. Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. Best of luck to the both of you. XO
 
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