Don’t you dare Drown

Rani G

MyPTSD Pro
Not sure if this is a question or just a need to communicate in order to feel connected to others because this is something I at times deeply deny or suppress. I do understand if this is not making sense, because I don’t either and my ability to think and process coherently is vanished (Hope it returns soon).
My mother is dealing with her cancer Diagnosis (Ovarian cancer early stage), she tried one cycle of Chemotherapy and is refusing to continue due to various reasons: Emotional overload, paranoia and less because of sideaffects.
My stepfather also comes into the scene with whom I’ve lived until 2002, he has Bi-polar and used to be a very domineering person when he was struggling with manic depression. I’ve learned to preserve my boundaries with him but this whole situation comes with a huge wave of memories and Grief which is hard to digest right now.

It’s hard and painful, I don’t like saying this, because I usually have this idealized version of „strong and toughness“..
But sometimes the heart is just heavy.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
That's a lot to deal with. It's understandable that you would be struggling. Sometimes strength comes in the surviving, even if you are overwhelmed with feelings and thoughts.

What can you do to take care of yourself?
 

Rani G

MyPTSD Pro
What can you do to take care of yourself?

Thanks Muttly, it has been an exceptionally rough Day.. it was more about, crying, eating, crying and speaking to my mother on the phone . I can just cry now.. and maybe draw a bit. Thanks for writing.
How has your Day been? Take care :-)
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
It's gonna hurt Rani. And you may feel overwhelmed with the memories and feelings. But you aren't going to drown. It will only feel like it. And for all the tears you couldn't cry in the past, the time has come to let those out. Yes it sucks. Yes it hurts, but you are finding out what real strength is. To feel the feelings and survive. To not be that little girl at the mercy of his damned mood swings and behaviors.

Your power is in the fact that even tho this may be making you feel like that powerless little girl, you are an adult. And you keep those boundaries strong. But there were reasons to put the boundaries up in the first place. Now you get to heal. And it takes tears and sadness and old fears to come out.

I'm sorry this is happening along with your concerns for your moms change in her own healing. It has to be hard knowing what you know medically to stand by. Again, some very real powerless feelings going on.

Both of those people represent a very painful and frightening time in your life. So the way we 'win' is to feel it to heal it. I'm sorry I don't have magic words for you Rani. But you are NOT going to drown. You are giving yourself permission to heal old hurts.

Much love Rani and lots of gentle hugs.
 

Rani G

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @ladee

Feeling extremely raw and I am shedding deeply carved grief, and yes it feels as if i am entering a whole new level of sadness and it requires me to sit here and cry my way through.. mother, father, step father, people leaving and people who are out of reach.

It comes with such a force that I must remember how far I have come, remind myself about people being present and helping me through, even if it’s just two people and this Forum. Sometimes it’s just about surviving this Day and this moment, a Day when it’s just me and 95% dark choclate (Unfortunately I’ve thrown all sweets and chips) and the healthier version of Coke like lime juice. I might even watch „the breakfast club“ and wish to be the female version of John Bender. Maybe this distraction will help me to get through..


Thank you Ladee for sticking with me.. I appreciate that.
 
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