Relationship Don`t be to hard on yourself! (Supporter)

IBeliveInYou

New Here
We'll start where this post is supposed to end: Don't be to hard on yourself!

As much as it is reassuring to see that you are not alone, I am also sorry to see how many supporters share a similar story.

It often hits us completely unprepared and by surprise, one day to the next our partner is like changed. Withdraws, asks for distance or tells us that suddenly all feelings are gone. If you are lucky, you already know at this point that the person has PTSD, but often not. Even if you know, the issue probably wasn't always a big one because up until that point it wasn't a problem, right? Accordingly, you don't know what to do now.

Overwhelmed and with a confused heart, you try to contact the person, tell them how much you mean to them, only to see that the person seems to be moving further and further away. You search the internet for solutions and come across the usual sites that give you a first understanding, but good advice remains a commodity. Often you read something like "They need you, don't give up on them", "Offer them help" , "Help them find support" and similar. And that's what you do, until you come across this forum here and realize, crap I probably didn't act right.

Let me stop here for a second, you did absolutely everything right because you followed your heart and your instincts. Wanting to help someone is a great part of your personality and not giving up on someone right away shows that you take a relationship seriously and are willing to work through tougher times. Furthermore you just read this post in a PTSD forum looking for answers and solutions, you have come a long way to understand your partner.

At this point I would like to tell you that you are a wonderful person.

Yes now you may have sent too many messages at an inopportune time, yes you got emotional but that is you. You have learned over time and today you know better, today you can adjust your behavior accordingly if it does not go against your own limits. Forgive yourself that in the first days and weeks you did not know how to behave properly, how could you?

There are always two people in a partnership, your sufferer is a grown up too and responsible for her/his actions. It needs two people to walk this road and if one of them runs of in the other direction you can`t change it. The will to stop running needs to come from within themselfs.

Please don`t feel like you „don`t mean enough to stop running“. You will read this very often that when PTSD kicks with full force the survival instict and old coping mechanisms take over. Numbness, avoidance, isolation .. you simply just can`t understand whats going on. Especially if its new to you and you two were very close its likely that you get tangled up in this mess and it makes you feel like you are part oft the problem by triggering her/him.

You aren`t. Your presence might remind them of something that acts like a trigger in themselfs or you beeing emotional just is to much to handle right now. There are many possibilities why your relationship is too much to handle right now but beeing the loving person that you are, you are not the problem!

Every situation is different but if you are like many supporters, had what felt like a good and healthy relationship, read this forum and tried to understand your partner/friend/family member, you did so much already and can be proud of that. Now its time for you sufferer to want to help and learn something about themselfs.

If they continue to push you away, to avoid contact, please:

Don`t be too hard on yourself.

Your sufferer seems to need more time to find the power and will to face the deamons inside and neither you or him/her is to blame for that.

At some point isn't time to say „I did everything I could“.

Not meaning that you have to give up on them but for the time beeing it might bee time to look at your own life and let God and life play it out.

That beeing said, in any case you should make sure your life and your own health are fine.

You are not alone and I wish you all the best 😊
 

djam

New Here
We'll start where this post is supposed to end: Don't be to hard on yourself!

As much as it is reassuring to see that you are not alone, I am also sorry to see how many supporters share a similar story.

It often hits us completely unprepared and by surprise, one day to the next our partner is like changed. Withdraws, asks for distance or tells us that suddenly all feelings are gone. If you are lucky, you already know at this point that the person has PTSD, but often not. Even if you know, the issue probably wasn't always a big one because up until that point it wasn't a problem, right? Accordingly, you don't know what to do now.

Overwhelmed and with a confused heart, you try to contact the person, tell them how much you mean to them, only to see that the person seems to be moving further and further away. You search the internet for solutions and come across the usual sites that give you a first understanding, but good advice remains a commodity. Often you read something like "They need you, don't give up on them", "Offer them help" , "Help them find support" and similar. And that's what you do, until you come across this forum here and realize, crap I probably didn't act right.

Let me stop here for a second, you did absolutely everything right because you followed your heart and your instincts. Wanting to help someone is a great part of your personality and not giving up on someone right away shows that you take a relationship seriously and are willing to work through tougher times. Furthermore you just read this post in a PTSD forum looking for answers and solutions, you have come a long way to understand your partner.

At this point I would like to tell you that you are a wonderful person.

Yes now you may have sent too many messages at an inopportune time, yes you got emotional but that is you. You have learned over time and today you know better, today you can adjust your behavior accordingly if it does not go against your own limits. Forgive yourself that in the first days and weeks you did not know how to behave properly, how could you?

There are always two people in a partnership, your sufferer is a grown up too and responsible for her/his actions. It needs two people to walk this road and if one of them runs of in the other direction you can`t change it. The will to stop running needs to come from within themselfs.

Please don`t feel like you „don`t mean enough to stop running“. You will read this very often that when PTSD kicks with full force the survival instict and old coping mechanisms take over. Numbness, avoidance, isolation .. you simply just can`t understand whats going on. Especially if its new to you and you two were very close its likely that you get tangled up in this mess and it makes you feel like you are part oft the problem by triggering her/him.

You aren`t. Your presence might remind them of something that acts like a trigger in themselfs or you beeing emotional just is to much to handle right now. There are many possibilities why your relationship is too much to handle right now but beeing the loving person that you are, you are not the problem!

Every situation is different but if you are like many supporters, had what felt like a good and healthy relationship, read this forum and tried to understand your partner/friend/family member, you did so much already and can be proud of that. Now its time for you sufferer to want to help and learn something about themselfs.

If they continue to push you away, to avoid contact, please:

Don`t be too hard on yourself.

Your sufferer seems to need more time to find the power and will to face the deamons inside and neither you or him/her is to blame for that.

At some point isn't time to say „I did everything I could“.

Not meaning that you have to give up on them but for the time beeing it might bee time to look at your own life and let God and life play it out.

That beeing said, in any case you should make sure your life and your own health are fine.

You are not alone and I wish you all the best 😊
Oh thank you thank you thank you for this post. Its been 5 months since my partner shut down and pushed me out of his life. 5 months of silence and ghosting from him. 5 months of hell..wondering every day what happened. As did you, I sought this site for some sort of answer. I pray daily, many times a day that the Lord will break the silence and the twall that my man put between us. As you said, I am letting God play it out. I want to move on but am so stuck because up until August, we had 2 yrs of a wonderful, honest, and communicative relationship. Not only did I lose him, the man I waited my entire life to meet, I lost his family with whom I was so connected. Please pray for me as I deeply love this man and am finding it so terribly hard to let him go.
Thank you
 

IBeliveInYou

New Here
Oh thank you thank you thank you for this post. Its been 5 months since my partner shut down and pushed me out of his life. 5 months of silence and ghosting from him. 5 months of hell..wondering every day what happened. As did you, I sought this site for some sort of answer. I pray daily, many times a day that the Lord will break the silence and the twall that my man put between us. As you said, I am letting God play it out. I want to move on but am so stuck because up until August, we had 2 yrs of a wonderful, honest, and communicative relationship. Not only did I lose him, the man I waited my entire life to meet, I lost his family with whom I was so connected. Please pray for me as I deeply love this man and am finding it so terribly hard to let him go.
Thank you
I am very sorry to hear that, having no answers is always hard. I hope this forum helps you to find some form of understanding.
Every wound needs its time to heal, try to focus your thoughts on your life and the present. Take it day by day.
You are not alone :)
 
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