Don't know how to ask for help

littleprince

New Here
Hi, this is my first time posting, just registered. So, I've been out of my trauma environment for a little over a year and I had a traumatic experience (minor compared to first trauma) about a year ago. I've made a lot of recovery progress in terms of my mental health but recently I relapsed in my PTSD. My depression is at it's lowest where I don't feel anything other than anxiety and emotional pain. Just a lot of dissociation and no joy from anything. I hate myself deeply no matter how hard I try to combat it. I've relapsed in self-harming (cutting) to cope (surface, not deep). I am in therapy and I love my therapist but she's not a trauma therapist and lately I feel like she doesn't get me.

I feel lost and that there's no purpose to me. I have no ambition, either. I try to make goals for something to look forward to but I'm unable to work (I am lucky to be on SSI and live with my parents) and I don't feel capable/don't even really want to try going back to college and finishing my degree. (I'm 23). I can't think of any goal, not an instrument or a type of exercise or any small thing. I write fanfiction and I get really nice feedback on it but for some reason I feel nothing about the nice feedback and I hate hate hate thinking about writing now which is really depressing because it's all I have in the years of my trauma and after it. Just hate myself and think my work sucks. Usually I could write even when I thought it sucked because I'd get nice feedback but now feedback makes me feel nauseous no matter how nice.

There's no new meds to try. Hospitalizations in the past have been awful and I don't feel like I need that right now.

I just don't know how I'm going to crawl out of this hole and it feels unbearable getting through the day. I don't know how to ask for help, it makes me uncomfortable and feel like a burden and would rather suffer than have someone else suffer with me. I have a supportive mom and two supportive sisters. I confided in them that I'm not doing well and that I need help which was really hard to do. And now they are trying and the small things they are doing helping but...they're doing it wrong? And that feels really mean to say and I don't want to tell them...they have their own lives and their own troubles and what am I going to do? Wake them up or take up time they don't have to sit with me while I'm sad? It just sounds pointless. But at the same time I don't know how I can keep doing this...I'm not going to commit suicide, I don't want to hurt my family and also it's just not possible to do the act even if I wanted to. But I think about it a lot and it's less of wanting to die and more of just not wanting to exist. Wish I was never born. Or wish I had died when I attempted 3 years ago.

I'm just in so much pain and I don't know how to ask for help because I don't even know what I need. I just want to scream at them when I go to my room or hang up on calls saying I'm fine that they're being idiots for not seeing that I'm NOT fine. It was already so much to ask them to just check in with me, tell me that they love me, that I can't be greedy and say hey actually I need way more than this, I don't know what I need but I need you guys to stop letting me go off for hours on my own or I don't even know. I'm just tired and there's nothing that makes me feel good so I don't know how to pass my days but I'm just waiting for each day to end but then I'm too scared to sleep so I don't go to bed until late and I'm just so alone it feels unbearable.

I don't know what to do with the weight of these suicidal thoughts and depression and how to go through it alone without even the help of writing or reading. Sorry this was more of a giant rant...I don't know what I'm doing here or asking...I just feel like the trauma I went through broke me and I'll always relapse no matter how good I get and what's the point when I've been so thoroughly destroyed?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @littleprince , it sounds like your in a major depressive episode. I'm sorry that your suffering so much. I can really relate to what your saying. Sometimes it just feels like there is no way out doesn't it. Keep posting on here. I also get terrible depression. At least it sounds like your family care about you, you should be thankful for that. Even though sometimes it seems like people's help is the wrong kind of help it shows that they are trying and care. What do you think would make you feel better at the moment?
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome @littleprince, glad you let us know you are here. You can spend those times when no one is around, here, getting to know people, reading the thousands of posts and topics. You are going to find you are not alone in not knowing how to ask for help, being severly depressed, and wondering what the future holds.

We all have felt that way, or are feeling that way ourselves right now. You aren't alone and you aren't a burden. Many of us feel like a burden to people around us who don't really understand, even if they love us and want to help. And they are doing it wrong is how we feel too.

Glad you found us. Sorry for the reasons, but you will find this to be a very supportive and understanding place to lay it all down for a while.

Hope we can support you even if you aren't sure what you need.
 

littleprince

New Here
Hi @littleprince , it sounds like your in a major depressive episode. I'm sorry that your suffering so much. I can really relate to what your saying. Sometimes it just feels like there is no way out doesn't it. Keep posting on here. I also get terrible depression. At least it sounds like your family care about you, you should be thankful for that. Even though sometimes it seems like people's help is the wrong kind of help it shows that they are trying and care. What do you think would make you feel better at the moment?
Thank you. Took my sleep meds and they’re about to knock me out so I’m going to try and listen to some nature ASMR to calm down before sleep. I am very lucky and thank my two sisters and mom every day, wouldn’t be here without them.

Welcome @littleprince, glad you let us know you are here. You can spend those times when no one is around, here, getting to know people, reading the thousands of posts and topics. You are going to find you are not alone in not knowing how to ask for help, being severly depressed, and wondering what the future holds.

We all have felt that way, or are feeling that way ourselves right now. You aren't alone and you aren't a burden. Many of us feel like a burden to people around us who don't really understand, even if they love us and want to help. And they are doing it wrong is how we feel too.

Glad you found us. Sorry for the reasons, but you will find this to be a very supportive and understanding place to lay it all down for a while.

Hope we can support you even if you aren't sure what you need.
Thank you, I honestly didn’t expect any responses and it seems like this is a nice place. I’m going to look around more tomorrow when I wake up.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
Good to hear. There isn't a topic that isn't covered here. And don't forget to check out the Social threads. We do have fun here too.

Hope you rest well.
 

bellbird

Sponsor
I don't know how to ask for help because I don't even know what I need.
What I'm reading is that you need to not be in pain anymore.

It is so tiring, I really do understand. I spent the majority of five years with severe depression. Most of those days I also spent wishing I was dead. And one of those days I acted on those feelings.

For a very long time I regretted that my attempt had failed, but I have since reached a point in recovery from depression that I never thought I would, and I can honestly say that I now feel relieved to still be alive.

The reason I shared part of my story, is because I want you to know that you're not alone, and I also want you to know that no matter how hopeless you are feeling now, you can get better from this.

I think it's wonderful that you've had such a good connection with your therapist.
I wonder though if finding a trauma therapist is the next best step for you?

I know that change can be unsettling; when my PTSD flared up a couple of years ago I had to leave my non-trauma therapist of 4 years to start seeing a trauma therapist and it was difficult at first. But it has been so worth it.

They're the ones who can best help us heal from this. They're the ones who can best help us to not be in pain anymore.

Our brains are no different from any other part of our body; to heal most effectively from an injury or illness, we need to see a specialist trained in that area. My GP is lovely, but when I needed corrective spine surgery I went to see an orthopaedic surgeon. Same same.

I hope you'll stick around if it helps you. This is an awesome place that has helped me and so many others a great deal. And for what it's worth, I'm glad you're here too.
 

littleprince

New Here
What I'm reading is that you need to not be in pain anymore.

It is so tiring, I really do understand. I spent the majority of five years with severe depression. Most of those days I also spent wishing I was dead. And one of those days I acted on those feelings.

For a very long time I regretted that my attempt had failed, but I have since reached a point in recovery from depression that I never thought I would, and I can honestly say that I now feel relieved to still be alive.

The reason I shared part of my story, is because I want you to know that you're not alone, and I also want you to know that no matter how hopeless you are feeling now, you can get better from this.

I think it's wonderful that you've had such a good connection with your therapist.
I wonder though if finding a trauma therapist is the next best step for you?

I know that change can be unsettling; when my PTSD flared up a couple of years ago I had to leave my non-trauma therapist of 4 years to start seeing a trauma therapist and it was difficult at first. But it has been so worth it.

They're the ones who can best help us heal from this. They're the ones who can best help us to not be in pain anymore.

Our brains are no different from any other part of our body; to heal most effectively from an injury or illness, we need to see a specialist trained in that area. My GP is lovely, but when I needed corrective spine surgery I went to see an orthopaedic surgeon. Same same.

I hope you'll stick around if it helps you. This is an awesome place that has helped me and so many others a great deal. And for what it's worth, I'm glad you're here too.
Thank you very much for writing a response. This was nice to wake up to and your comparison to a GP doctor vs a surgeon. Change can really set me off and I keep pushing off a trauma therapist for a long time because my therapist got me out of my trauma environment so it’s tough to accept I need someone with expertise. It’s reassuring to read that the difficulty is worth it.

Thank you for sharing some of your story with me.
 

Friday

Moderator
Change can really set me off and I keep pushing off a trauma therapist for a long time because my therapist got me out of my trauma environment so it’s tough to accept I need someone with expertise.
It’s not only not a betrayal to seek someone with expertise, it also doesn’t mean the end of the therapeutic alliance / relationship with your existing therapist.

First off, they can help you find a trauma therapist, even if they don’t have a short list of referrals -although they may- they can walk you through the process.
Secondly, they can help you transition / both preparing for change and rising to it.
Thirdly, they’ll still be there, as a resource for you

Just because you’re seeing a surgeon? Doesn’t mean your GP falls of the planet! :) Nor that you don’t still see your GP for other things. You could -very easily- see the specialist weekly, but still have an appointment once a month or once every 3 months with your long term therapist, just to touch base on your life & keep the alliance open in your own head/heart. That way you aren’t trying to see 2 therapists for the same thing.

It’s one of those “I’d still really like to see you once a month or once every couple months to touch base, but I think I’ve finally come around to the idea of needing a trauma therapist. Can you help me find one, & help me with that transition?” convos to have with your T, rather than something hidden, secret, or wrong.
 
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littleprince

New Here
thank you everyone responding

It’s not only not a betrayal to seek someone with expertise, it also doesn’t mean the end of the therapeutic alliance / relationship with your existing therapist.

First off, they can help you find a trauma therapist, even if they don’t have a short list of referrals -although they may- they can walk you through the process.
Secondly, they can help you transition / both preparing for change and rising to it.
Thirdly, they’ll still be there, as a resource for you

Just because you’re seeing a surgeon? Doesn’t mean your GP falls of the planet! :) Nor that you don’t still see your GP for other things. You could -very easily- see the specialist weekly, but still have an appointment once a month or once every 3 months with your long term therapist, just to touch base on your life & keep the alliance open in your own head/heart. That way you aren’t trying to see 2 therapists for the same thing.

It’s one of those “I’d still really like to see you once a month or once every couple months to touch base, but I think I’ve finally come around to the idea of needing a trauma therapist. Can you help me find one, & help me with that transition?” convos to have with your T, rather than something hidden, secret, or wrong.
thank you, I really put this off as something I “can’t” do (like I’m not capable of doing it because I’m too nervous about betrayal and change) and now I’m feeling hopeful. Somehow it felt really big and scary in my head which made me do the classic AVOID AVOID AVOID!!! but reading this makes me feel like I can do it. I see now that it’s less of confrontation and more of a discussion and she would definitely help me find someone new which I hadn’t considered.

Still scary but I can do this. Thank you for explaining this further.
 
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