littleprince
New Here
Hi, this is my first time posting, just registered. So, I've been out of my trauma environment for a little over a year and I had a traumatic experience (minor compared to first trauma) about a year ago. I've made a lot of recovery progress in terms of my mental health but recently I relapsed in my PTSD. My depression is at it's lowest where I don't feel anything other than anxiety and emotional pain. Just a lot of dissociation and no joy from anything. I hate myself deeply no matter how hard I try to combat it. I've relapsed in self-harming (cutting) to cope (surface, not deep). I am in therapy and I love my therapist but she's not a trauma therapist and lately I feel like she doesn't get me.
I feel lost and that there's no purpose to me. I have no ambition, either. I try to make goals for something to look forward to but I'm unable to work (I am lucky to be on SSI and live with my parents) and I don't feel capable/don't even really want to try going back to college and finishing my degree. (I'm 23). I can't think of any goal, not an instrument or a type of exercise or any small thing. I write fanfiction and I get really nice feedback on it but for some reason I feel nothing about the nice feedback and I hate hate hate thinking about writing now which is really depressing because it's all I have in the years of my trauma and after it. Just hate myself and think my work sucks. Usually I could write even when I thought it sucked because I'd get nice feedback but now feedback makes me feel nauseous no matter how nice.
There's no new meds to try. Hospitalizations in the past have been awful and I don't feel like I need that right now.
I just don't know how I'm going to crawl out of this hole and it feels unbearable getting through the day. I don't know how to ask for help, it makes me uncomfortable and feel like a burden and would rather suffer than have someone else suffer with me. I have a supportive mom and two supportive sisters. I confided in them that I'm not doing well and that I need help which was really hard to do. And now they are trying and the small things they are doing helping but...they're doing it wrong? And that feels really mean to say and I don't want to tell them...they have their own lives and their own troubles and what am I going to do? Wake them up or take up time they don't have to sit with me while I'm sad? It just sounds pointless. But at the same time I don't know how I can keep doing this...I'm not going to commit suicide, I don't want to hurt my family and also it's just not possible to do the act even if I wanted to. But I think about it a lot and it's less of wanting to die and more of just not wanting to exist. Wish I was never born. Or wish I had died when I attempted 3 years ago.
I'm just in so much pain and I don't know how to ask for help because I don't even know what I need. I just want to scream at them when I go to my room or hang up on calls saying I'm fine that they're being idiots for not seeing that I'm NOT fine. It was already so much to ask them to just check in with me, tell me that they love me, that I can't be greedy and say hey actually I need way more than this, I don't know what I need but I need you guys to stop letting me go off for hours on my own or I don't even know. I'm just tired and there's nothing that makes me feel good so I don't know how to pass my days but I'm just waiting for each day to end but then I'm too scared to sleep so I don't go to bed until late and I'm just so alone it feels unbearable.
I don't know what to do with the weight of these suicidal thoughts and depression and how to go through it alone without even the help of writing or reading. Sorry this was more of a giant rant...I don't know what I'm doing here or asking...I just feel like the trauma I went through broke me and I'll always relapse no matter how good I get and what's the point when I've been so thoroughly destroyed?
I feel lost and that there's no purpose to me. I have no ambition, either. I try to make goals for something to look forward to but I'm unable to work (I am lucky to be on SSI and live with my parents) and I don't feel capable/don't even really want to try going back to college and finishing my degree. (I'm 23). I can't think of any goal, not an instrument or a type of exercise or any small thing. I write fanfiction and I get really nice feedback on it but for some reason I feel nothing about the nice feedback and I hate hate hate thinking about writing now which is really depressing because it's all I have in the years of my trauma and after it. Just hate myself and think my work sucks. Usually I could write even when I thought it sucked because I'd get nice feedback but now feedback makes me feel nauseous no matter how nice.
There's no new meds to try. Hospitalizations in the past have been awful and I don't feel like I need that right now.
I just don't know how I'm going to crawl out of this hole and it feels unbearable getting through the day. I don't know how to ask for help, it makes me uncomfortable and feel like a burden and would rather suffer than have someone else suffer with me. I have a supportive mom and two supportive sisters. I confided in them that I'm not doing well and that I need help which was really hard to do. And now they are trying and the small things they are doing helping but...they're doing it wrong? And that feels really mean to say and I don't want to tell them...they have their own lives and their own troubles and what am I going to do? Wake them up or take up time they don't have to sit with me while I'm sad? It just sounds pointless. But at the same time I don't know how I can keep doing this...I'm not going to commit suicide, I don't want to hurt my family and also it's just not possible to do the act even if I wanted to. But I think about it a lot and it's less of wanting to die and more of just not wanting to exist. Wish I was never born. Or wish I had died when I attempted 3 years ago.
I'm just in so much pain and I don't know how to ask for help because I don't even know what I need. I just want to scream at them when I go to my room or hang up on calls saying I'm fine that they're being idiots for not seeing that I'm NOT fine. It was already so much to ask them to just check in with me, tell me that they love me, that I can't be greedy and say hey actually I need way more than this, I don't know what I need but I need you guys to stop letting me go off for hours on my own or I don't even know. I'm just tired and there's nothing that makes me feel good so I don't know how to pass my days but I'm just waiting for each day to end but then I'm too scared to sleep so I don't go to bed until late and I'm just so alone it feels unbearable.
I don't know what to do with the weight of these suicidal thoughts and depression and how to go through it alone without even the help of writing or reading. Sorry this was more of a giant rant...I don't know what I'm doing here or asking...I just feel like the trauma I went through broke me and I'll always relapse no matter how good I get and what's the point when I've been so thoroughly destroyed?