• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer "don't make a scene here" - having a hard time coping.

Not open for further replies.


New Here
Thank you for stopping by...

My assault happened nearly two years ago...and aside from interviews with OSHA, the DA, police and my detective, this is the first time I'm writing it down for a group of "strangers" to read.

Two very long years of a rollercoaster of emotion and heartbreak, but I am on my road to recovery. I just want to know I'm not alone in this. Because, at times I feel very lonely even though I hide it well.

Before I get into the traumatic event that changed my life, I will give a brief background.

I grew up normal, in a nice neighborhood. I had lots of friends. I played both field hockey and basketball. My father is retired military/police and my mother a nurse.

Upon graduating HS I went to nursing school myself. I graduated and had a career in nursing. I built my own house with my ex, with whom I have 3 children with. That relationship ended mutually and we coparent our children since the end of 2014.

When I left him, it was kind of like a new life. New house, new routine, new me. I had 2 part time jobs. One as a charge nurse in a rehabilitation unit, and a second job as a travel nurse for pediatrics. I decided to resign from my job in geriatrics and go full time with pediatrics since I love children...

This will have proven to be the worst decision I ever made...

At first, everything was fine. It was around Christmas time of 2014, I started a case just outside the city. I had a patient who was the sweetest boy I've ever met. Due to HIPAA, I have to be careful with how much detail I share in regard to him. I can say though, he was non verbal. To learn some sign language to communicate with him was exciting.

The family dynamic, was a bit strange, I will admit. The child was in the care of his father and step-mother. Mom was very vocal, personable, bossy, in-your-face kind of attitude. Dad was kind of eerily quiet, She was from Puerto Rico, raised in NY and Dad from Ghana. I remember after being there a few weeks I had said to Mom, "Does he not care for me?" I was used to walking in the home and Mom being like Hey! And talkative and whatnot that it was offsetting when I would come over it and walk in and he would be there and I would say, "Hi." and him not even acknowledge my existence. She explained that, that was just his personality. It takes a while for him to "trust" someone in his home and that he would come around.

Over the next few months, I took my very best care of their child. I worked approx 40-60 hours on any given week, Primarily dayshift. Dad worked midnight shift and the child attended school during the day. So of my 8 hour day I maybe spent 1 hour in the home unless it was a weekend or summer break.

It was around Spring of 2015 when I began to feel uncomfortable. I remember thinking,,,ehhh I've only been here about 4 months, maybe this is just his personality and I'm overreacting. It started with my bending over, hooking up medical equipment, I'd feel a hand touch my buttocks in passing, or I'd be getting a pen out of my work bag and feel his knee in between my legs from behind and then he'd pretend to "scare" me. I really began to feel very uncomfortable being alone with him I avoided it at all costs.

Around this time, my scheduler at the office began to reach out telling us she was going to start preparing to do his schedule for Summer and that I had to be comfortable wearing a bathing suit per Dad because the child wants to swim everyday in Summer. I remember at the time thinking it was kind of odd, but I do know this childs life expectancy isnt well into adulthood so I figured if that's what brings him joy, of course I'll swim with him. So myself, and every other nurse he had, agreed to this.

And so it began...

Summer is now here and I swim with him. I never worse anything outrageous. Just a nice, solid black, one piece swimsuit. Dad who normally slept all day during school year would now get off work at 6 am and sleep for just a few hours. I got there around 7am and normally hed be awake by 11am, Just so he could go down to pool with us, He never swam. He didn't know how. But he would come down, flirt with the underage lifeguard and make comments about how "sexy" I looked. I often had to tell him to stop. It was inappropriate and quite annoying.

This went on several times a week. I confided in a new boyfriend that I felt scared to go over there. His suggestion was for me to sit down the wife and explain things to her. Now looking back, not only should I have not done that I should have quit my job immediately. Mom could be very explosive at times and treat us not very nice. Being that there was only about 5 of nurses on his case, I was the ONLY one who was 25, not married, etc. I knew she'd go crazy and probably on me, I just needed a little more time to figure out what to do.

Mom was a stay-at-home Mom so, I guess, as uncomfortable as I felt. I never figured I was in serious danger, Boy was I wrong.

In September, the family moved from a one level, 3 bedroom apartment, to a 3 story 4 bedroom townhouse.

October came, and, Mom had to make a trip to FL around Halloween. She left on I believe a Thursday and was to be gone through the weekend. It was my Friday, Sat, Sun off. Office called me and said since Mom wouldn't be home Friday and nobody else could work they needed a nurse to get him ready, and attend school and needed help over weekend. I knew I was not going on weekend with Mom not home, but I figured since I would be at school with child friday during day and out of the home I was ok. So I agreed. That morning everything was ok, until we had about ten minutes before the bus was due to arrive dad began trying to put his hands down my pants I literally had to push him off of me, get the child and wait outside. I remember finally being really scared and not knowing what to do.

Later that week while on another case, I confided in a friend what had been going on and that I was scared. She begged me to go to the office and tell them and that this was not ok. I agreed with her. I said yes, I'm going to have to say something because this is becoming very stressful.

I never made it in time.

On December 25th, 2015, it was my childrens father's holiday with our kids since I had them on Thanksgiving, It was also my holiday to work. I went to work. Christmas day was fine. I worked a double from 7am-11pm. The nightshift nurse never showed. Legally, I cannot work more than 16 hours. So, I left, As long as parents were home, child was ok to not have a nurse for a shift. I was due to return the morning of Dec. 26th and work another double.

When I arrived the morning of the 26th, all I can really say, is your gut knows when something is wrong. I remember walking up to the front door of the home and the door was cracked open. This was strange because their recent move was into the city. They always had their door locked and each of us nurses had a key into the home.

I opened the door. The first floor was dark no light except the lit Christmas tree. I saw the child playing with his ipad on the ground he looked up at me and smiled and clapped. I signed "good morning" to him. I looked to my left and saw Dad sitting on couch, All of this was very unusual. 1. I put this child to bed the night before late. Because it was Christmas. 2. This child sleeps with a CPAP and will normally stay asleep until at least 8am and can't detach himself completely from CPAP. 3. Dad is NEVER up with him. Dad said, oh he woke up. We made small talk and I said does he need breakfast and he told me yes. Looking back now, I know it was no accident he and the child were downstairs. I believe he purposely woke him up, brought him downstairs, knowing I was coming.

I went to the kitchen and fixed the child breakfast. When I returned to the living room to begin my nurses note, I was attacked, clothes ripped off, and brutally raped in the living room of the home while the non verbal child watched and had no clue what was happening. And, even if he did, had no way of helping me. I was able to escape the home, call the police, I was then at the hospital and had to have a most embarrassing rape kit done.

The next few days after that are a blur, I remember having to go into work and give a statement, I had to meet with police, a detective, the DA, a victim witness advocate so I could get a SPFA(sexual protection from abuse order). And I remember, as co workers found out, someone saying I can't believe they sent you there after what happened to *Hannah. I'm like, "Who is Hannah?" I come to find out, he had assaulted not ONE but TWO other nurses prior to me ever even being hired with the company. One of which made a police report(thank God) but never pursued charges when police wanted to, She was scared our job would retaliate against her. I understand. When I was assaulted they "suspended" me to investigate!!!!

Then when his name was run, it turns out he also sexually assaulted a child in 1999 in Philly. I had never felt more beytrayed or heartbroken. That my job knew he was a sexually violent predator and sent me there and I had no idea.

I continued working, taking on different cases. I kept pepper spray and a 6 inch knife on me at all times. I became very depressed and it was getting harder and harder to function. My case was taken on by OSHA, it made it to D.C. they werre cited for willful negligence. They fought the fine until a week before trial and the paid it.

3 weeks ago, he plead guilty in his criminal trial. It's beyond me, that I was informed even though he was married in 2007, he still is here on a Visa. How many sexual assaults does an immigrant have to have before people realize he doesn't deserve the freedoms our country has to offer and send him back to the third world country he came from? He will serve 3 years in prison, 7 years on parole, and register as a violent sex offender,

I slipped into a very deep depression, and had 2 suicide attempts. Very serious ones actually. The first wasn't so much an attempt but just severe depression where a friend asked police to do a welfare check because I hadnt left home in 3 weeks, I went inpatient to kind of just get out of that funk.

However 6 weeks later, I was still very depressed. I left a note for my family and my boyfriend. I then loaded a gun and drove to a secluded area. Having no clue, my boyfriend took off work early that day we missed each other by minutes and he read the note and had police not far off my tail by the time I got where I was going. Next thing I know I'm surrounded by police and they're begging me to put the gun down and I just remember crying and telling them I couldn't suffer anymore and held the gun to my head. Next thing I know I get shot twice once in the leg and once in the stomach by bean bag rounds shot from a shotgun. They literally saved my life.

I was taken to inpatient and there I stayed for over a week. I got on medicine, and I completed 6 electroshock therapy treatments. It was the best choice I made and helped greatly with the depression. In a lot of ways a lot has worked out for the best.

But, in other ways not so much. I still suffer from nightmares. I take effexor and thats the only medicine I take. Im not a medicine person. I have anxiety and panic attacks when I have to leave home for too long. I just feel safe inside if that makes sense. I surrendered my nursing license, and today have an interview using my skills outside of technically being a "nurse" and I am terrified. Like sick over this. What if I'm not ready, what if they ask why I surrendered my license, what if I run into someone who knows me or knows what happened and they tell someone and then everyone knows.

I just feel though I was shy a little before. I was friendly, and outgoing, and things like interviews or being around people didn't bother me much, or being outside early, or late when its dark was no worry.

Now I'm afraid "someone" is waiting for me, I'll get hurt, what if I can't dial 911 as fast, what if this time the person rapes and kills me, who will raise my kids?

Maybe I'm just freaking out. I love the holidays, but its now always a little somber. I replay his face over and over again in my head. I remember when he jumped on top of me and started ripping my clothes off asking him please not to do it and I'll scream if he didn't get off me and he covered my mouth and said, "Don't make a scene here." And I didn't. When he let go. I didn't scream. And I don't know why I was so dumb. Why didn't I scream. I tell my children if anyone ever tries to take you, you run, you scream, you beg for help no matter how they threaten you. I couldn't even follow my own advice.

I miss myself. I really do. I miss who I was.


Last edited by a moderator:
Welcome! So happy you found us but so very sorry for why you are here.
You will be met with compassion and understanding. Support from those of us who have had the same life changing experiences.
Hope we can make your healing journey a little less painful by knowing you are not alone. Gentle hugs if you accept.
Thank you so much @Jacalyn for sharing what happened to you. You’re not alone. I went through a similar experience.

You were smart to get medical help and report it right away. With him now having to register as a violent sex offender, you have saved and will continue saving others. I wish I could have done that. You are brave.

You were NOT dumb for not being able to scream!!!! Anyone who’s been in that situation understands. Science backs up what happens to the brain during a freeze response to danger.

I empathize with what you’re going through. I can relate to just wanting to be me again and not feeling like I’ll ever be the same. It’s been a number of years since I was raped by my supervisor and I’m not sure if the impact ever goes away. It does seem to lessen at times, but it makes living a normal life feel about impossible.
Not open for further replies.