• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood Don't trust my mind

Status
Not open for further replies.

oakleaves

MyPTSD Pro
I hope it's ok to post this here.

I am so so scared. I have only recently started to face (half talk about) childhood stuff (my mum's partner) and I have never doubted what happened I always knew I just could never and can't talk about it.

I've done a stupid thing and looked for his foster daughter (now adult) on Facebook and I found her and her picture was of him and his wife and he's playing the devoted husband and looking all kind and now I'm like, f*ck did I make it all up, did I misinterpret it all (I can't have), what if I've confused it in my head and it was my dad not him. Uuurgh.

And at the same time I cannot focus and I have been curled up in a ball shaking and I can feel my skin crawling. I sort of convinced myself she must have been affected too but she doesn't seem to have. I had really hoped he was dead, really really hoped he was.

I am having horrible intrusive thoughts and thinking if I talk about this as I'm starting to something really bad will happen to punish me. I feel like I'm going completely mad.
 
You aren't going mad, but you are feeling things you have shut down for a long time... and the way People look on the outside, is rarely how we are on the inside... it's true the things you remember... the question is always, why would you make up something that hurts so bad and feels so real... you wouldn't....

You are not going to be punished for talking about things that will help you to heal... I hope you find or already have a therapist . Have you been diagnosed with anything ??? Those are your first steps.... find out what is going on... the talking part takes a lot of time... building trust with a therapist, which sometimes can take a very long time.... and/or meds for depression and anxiety.... it's a process....

You having intrusive thoughts is normal... it's like the lid has been taken off of a secret... and it will flow and overflow.... very important for you to seek help now and not try to do this yourself... you are very welcome here... and hope you come back and let us know how you are doing...
 
You aren't going mad, but you are feeling things you have shut down for a long time... and the way People...

Thank you so very much for saying that. I really appreciate it. I just didn't feel I could talk to anyone in my life about the thoughts I posted about being punished for talking or that maybe my mind is making it up (I have never had those thoughts before, I have memories as clear as any of my childhood/adolescent memories I do trust - clearer because they are really vivid).

I have had anxiety for a long time and an eating disorder but more recently as my ED has improved (I've been having treatment) I have started to have more intrusive and horrible memories of my past. I knew they were PTSD symptoms but that has been confirmed recently.

He just looked so nice in the photo, so innocent. My memories of him are not innocent.

Also I worry that things happened with my dad because I have a horrible memory of my mum pulling him off me when he was drunk, but he could just have been drunk because that happened a lot. But this other person, I have no doubt apart from when I remember how nice he was the rest of the time and he forced me. It sounds really wrong but I almost wish he had been violent because then I would have felt able to say something but he never was. But he seems so nice and his own family seem to like him and I always assumed it must have happened to other people too but maybe it is just me and if it is, maybe that confirms that I am bad.

Sorry I am rambling.
 
Bad things happen TO us, but that does not make US bad or deserving, in any way, of the bad stuff.... Unfortunately, we do have to do the work to heal... but those are huge victories over our abusers... they are still sick, abusive, and a long list of other things.... they don't change their rotten core.... but we win... and win big, because we do not let them , over time, have the power to hurt us, ever again.... it's work, it's hard work sometimes... but as @Kassie, reassured you, you are not alone.... and you can do this.... so many of us here..... and we are walking with each other and setting with each other (figuratively) .. You are in the right place.... you CAN and WILL win !!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top