Doomed To Be Alone

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First I like to say
Why is it that every time I type in google from a
I suffer ptsd and I have accepted I will live with it for most of my life and this is how I try it live fully but with ptsd in the way
why then does it always come back with ways for friends loved ones can cope with people like me or how to love people like me or how to handle someone with ptsd like me or how to fix someone like me with ptsd
why can't Google and people get out of this "we are aliens and need to be understood fixed or babied" and why is there so many self help and information for other chronic illnesses but none for ptsd much at all
we live with it everyday it's not all the back and white they come up with not their articles
Why can't they get over the war shell shocked labels and sterotypes about us we arent zombies
The way they talk about us seems like they think of us that way

Anyway enough moaning
back on about relationships
This is my first real post
and I feel so alone with this amongst many things that differs from the norm experiences struggling sufferings pains feelings etc
So this is my first time opening up about something so private and personal
I always find I fall in love so and so
but not very often
last time I fell for anyone was when I was 13 and this young man was very much like me and I also fall for the most kindest gentlemen alive and I know they are few in between
so I guess that is why I don't fall very easily
but this isn't just about relationships in the opposite sex sense I guess
I struggle with trust and closeness pains etc too with about anyone
I don't trust myself most of all
I've been bullied tormented all my life by my family my peers parents school kids so I still have deep beliefs about myself that I've been working so hard on for year's
I feed abuse at 21 and abuse followed me by those I put trust in my emotional worker being the first police second then close friends I let get close ended up damaging me further emotionally and verbally
I got close to God not by choice and a lot of scary things painful things happened that made my ptsd flare up at its worst anytime I tried to get close again it was tormenting to the point flashbacks dreams day nightmares honestly I can't explain it torture does not come close so I go on alone slightly beating myself up for being at fault for not trusting and turning away
I have recently got close to my baby sister and we worked things out and I felt safe with her when she is herself around me but not all herself as she is very outgoing likes doing risky things so I like the control of the situation where I choose what we do and she has this uplifting youthful spirit that makes me feel young at heart again and full of life safety and I swear I found myself coping better but we live actually 4 hours drive apart and I can't see her all the time n usually on my own I end up not leaving my home and rarely leaving my bed

so lonely and disabling I am most days
anyway I fell in love in my 20s perhaps 24 to 26 I can't remember now I just know why I have and how much I would love my dream just to come true this once
the last guy committed suicide and it turned out he was sexually abused too as a child and was tormented by it his whole life too and couldn't keep up at his dream career
I lost him at 15 n never gave up my heart until I had to accept he was gone
this other man I fell in love with by accident again I suppose who means to fall for anyone
anyway like I said there are reasons why I'm fond of him but they don't matter so much to mention here
I will say that when I admired the man who stood up for abused animals when I was 6 and later discovered he abused animals and little girls too I had to find out if the man I now watched (which I'll get into in a moment ) is another bad guy then I learnt he was the guy I thought never existed he isn't a gentleman per see but he puts his kids before even himself and I found that very much something I was seeking I thought at last a man who act's like a man and puts his kids first even after separation and then over learning more about him I fell fond of him before falling in love
yes there is this thing I read about ptsd where you easily fall for well known folk because you can be safe at a distance n learn about them in your own safety bubble and fall more easily for them if they are your type than if you were face to face and all you can learn about them is what they tell you which in a face to face state you don't really take in or remember and it may be lies to impress anyway
anyway well this man
I can contact him right now
but I won't because one I'm not a fan of him or his works
and he has many crazy fans I really won't be one and do that I'm not like that
and two because it's the most unnatural things ever
I means if we were working together that would be entirely different
on tops before I get to the big one
I can't afford to mess any of it up find out he's not the right guy or find out he is but I'm too not right for him or even lose someone to believe in he gives me a hope for love for a future things I don't feel normally I cant afford to loose that vision but all in all ptsd is the biggest one that and years of trauma lack of experience abuse lack of communication or life experience 20 years behind his years etc etc etc but mainly ptsd ptsd will ruin everything n is ruining my mind now it's eating me up inside
I wish for once I can have the man I choose what I know is best for me I feel safe with can happen I can be in control of my life and who is in it
don't want a man but yes I would travel around the world to spend time with him and see how it goes if he gives me the chance to and
yes he's single yes he's never married
yes he's the one
but now a lady younger than me has come into his life and it all turns out to be as friends
but something has changed in him
he's more outgoing and funny on his name description than usual he's normal serious but he's added a few funny comments about his life and he's liked everything of hers he's travelled around he world to meet her twice now that I know if it seems
I don't want to say that's it because he doesn't even know I exist so nothing is it but I don't want to lose him to a lady who just divorced her man after meeting him
and what is it about this lady that has got him so happy and so close
yes she's successful at Olympics swimming now he seems to watch it all the time
yes she's had a loving happy upbringing
yes she got married and had children of her own n young
yes she's rich got a house and living fully
yes she's younger than me
what the heck do I have to offer
nothing
all I have is I escaped abuse fought hard to stay alive and well and heal for 29 years
fought to keep my sister safe but failed many times
because of me she seems more disturbed having been through many foster homes and losing her best friend to an accident operation going wrong
she's turned to drugs smoking and drinking tatoos and piercing's and other wreckless behaviour's
and I can't even be with her or see her as often either
I have no family no parents the only ones I have never loved me
I have friend's but if they try get close to me
I push them all away then complain to myself for being so alone
but I don't also want to burden them even tho I don't trust myself or them too
I don't have a life
a career
I'm not successful
I'm no body
I try help people tho when I can
I can hardly say that is anything at my expense
that is very selfish as it's at their expense
after all those who helped me I owe it to give it back at least
I've been blamed and told I am the trouble not my family many times now
by police support worker by the family those that don't believe my story or side
or don't support or back me up
People run from me too I say you'll see me as a monster one day and you'll run and they promise they won't but they always do in the end
without even looking back
or they come to take any good in me and damage it further like so many friends I tried to give chances to did
in paranoid n my life in me is dying out
everyday is all about survival but because I'm not with a great positive fire anymore or have phycially symptoms it's not the good part of my in others eyes
I don't want a relationship I want someone to share with my journey but even then I never planned on falling for someone n I just want this one time to have him I can't imagine a better break through to finally get him
but I know that is wishful dreams not reality I've accepted that by staying well away
who am I compared to this woman who is close to him now
I don't know if there's more going on
but it's haunting me that because I never took a chance I may have lost that chance and everything that made me believe in a future hope love dream's happiness
I can't imagine giving up any of that to any man
men have been the ones that made me the way I am today except for my dad but for him I can but I'm afraid it's not true either
:-( I don't know anymore
I also have a new found hope with my disability n living income because my sister and I took our very first holiday together which is my first time on holiday being so far from home flying and being abroad all in all so I've achieved so so much and we grew much closer because of it too so all win win so I took initiative to manage my budget so it can live more freely from then on and keep my living cash simple so it can survive without my whole focus on managing my home eating regaurly I was going to pay for aid and help and simple ways to take care of myself better and spend most of the money on freedom to take more living risks like the holiday to aid in my healing I feel I need that most of all too but then I come back to assessments which has been changed to a later date my esa and dla is at threat right now and I don't know if I'll have the budget after this year to do so :-( I've been living so strict and tight and scraping by for so long and only now feel the courage to do what I need to do for me and my wellbeing and as soon as I do this happens and knocks me back down again I hope it all goes well though and when it's over it should be the last worry about money for a long time to come n then hopefully I can continue my plan on freedom and living n meeting my needs I was going to join groups so I won't be alone get help with cleaning my home getting regular deliveries and orders on healthy meals and have every financial household worry on direct debit n then focus my other cash on savings and living more freely
some of those include
getting my make up done by professional so I can learn how to do it better and look my age for once it's so worse when everyone assumes you are a youth when you are 29
they believe my baby sister is older than me so that would help a lot esp with ptsd triggers because of it
also bra measurement I've been too anxious about it but it's long overdue and it will help my confidence in myself

I was planning on a pet too
anyway all in all I've got plans for my healing and life
so I haven't given up completely in hope but now it all lies in the mercy of my assessments :-( if I get to keep my money as it is :-(
I heard it's getting stricter
but if all goes well that's my focus from then on living and not just surviving
but with someone like my sister I'm a different person not fully out my shell and protective bubble but I need more time with her I just believe though because she said she feels not herself around me though and likes to be mostly with her friends or in her own space anyway all in all

When it comes to relationships
This is what matters to me right now
When it comes to this man I feel I lost all hope and on top all hope in myself ever being well enough to be as good as this woman to gain a man of my dreams I'm certainly not full of life anymore like my sister and I still don't know her or what she is like that has my man so hooked on her it may just be friendship I hope it is but it's haunting me as I said :-( last time the newspapers implied they were an item which they both denied I went to that bridge to commit suicide I felt he kept me feeling safe normal and hope in my soul I can lead a healthy normal future I felt I lost everything when I read that n lost all will or strength to live
fortunately as I went to the bridge this cat came out of nowhere and wouldn't let me go anywhere blocked my path everytime I tried to get around it until I followed it it led me in a massive walk trail off somewhere and back n made me forget about my troubles tho I was still numb whenever I felt suicidal I went up the road and found the cat waiting for me for another walk
another time I locked myself out my apartment and was blamed by my support carer's and they punished me made me stand out there in the cold all night waiting on a housing repair man so I tried to stay occupied but my phone died I took a massive panic attack and freaked out bad thoughts flooded my mind flashbacks and triggers
suddenly a switch flipped off in my brain
and I was on automatic
I was crying uncontrollable and heading for that bridge again
I was in a dissociation state
I just remember believing I can not keep myself safe I caused myself harm again and I was crying and heading to commit suicide
nearly to the bridge
I had a thought clear in my head
aren't you suppose you meet your support worker tomorrow you made a date with her
I said I need to call her and say she doesn't have to meet me now I don't want her wasting her time on me esp if I'm not going to be alive tomorrow
so I called the support carers again n told them to let my support worker know she doesn't need to see me tomorrow coz I won't be there before my phone died on me again as I neared the bridge
I heard a gentle but firm voice ask me

"Lorraine do you know where you are ?"
I said no
the response was clear and said "I have brought help to you
Go back
Go back home, Lorraine
I sent them to you "
it dawned that I must be near the bridge that's why the voice asked do you know where you are
I ran to the bridge crying you just want to change my mind and stop me
then as I touched the marble bright frame I knew I wasn't all alone
it was a plan I made in my head for years if ever I decides rationally that there's is no point fighting another day this is where I'd turn
then He spoke to me and said

"Do you see that star. That is your star. I have big plans for you."
I was angry because I didn't believe I was and start or special or like Jesus or Joseph so I spat back "It's not even a star it's a planet anyway" I meant I'm not a star just as it's not a star
I apologised I've not heard Him since
I went for a walk n went to a friends house n then went home with her son who was the same age I was and we spoke a long time and then help came and opened my door police came and checked on me and I am glad that is over now
way before my holiday it was but anyway

when I got home I learnt the man I loved was just friends with this lady but now I'm now I'm not so sure I may have a chance still to be something special in his life too but that's never going to happen
I don't know anymore
who am I anyway
I fail and loose everyone
 
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