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Down on self

Discussion in 'Core Beliefs / Cognitive Distortions' started by berlinda, May 11, 2018.

  1. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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    I have a ticket to go to a Pop Up Restaurant tonight. I saw about it on the news and it looks great, I don't know anything much about Syrian food and I love trying new things.

    But I'm feeling ever so intimidated. I think it's gonna be shared tables and I'm going alone. And the main thing is that I just haven't been able to shake the feeling that I'm too defective.

    I'm imagining people asking what I do for a living and when I'm not doing so well (like now) that can set me off feeling shame and increase social anxiety.

    I want to go.

    Does anyone relate to such difficulties? And what do you do or say to yourself to help you feel less down on yourself?

    Thanks
     
    Chiqui, Wilmot, somerandomguy and 4 others like this.
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  3. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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    Is there something wrong about my post to not get replies? Thanks :)
     
  4. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    Maybe you could think about the fact that lots of people love talking about themselves so if you don't want to divulge much, just turn.it around and ask them about themselves. That way the focus will be off you and you can avoid going into stuff you don't want to go into. The other thing is, if you are stuffing your face, you can't talk, innit?
    So the actual eating could be another way to fob off unwanted attention. I think it might be good to stretch yourself and go. Be brave, you will be proud of yourself if you face this fear and do it anyway. You can always eat quickly and leave if it's too much.
     
  5. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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    I went :) bawled my eyes out after. Not even sure why.

    Food was delicious and I am glad I went.

    The people I was sat with were kind and tried to include me.

    Thanks for replying to me @mumstheword xx
     
  6. joeylittle

    joeylittle ˁ˚ᴥ˚ˀ All howl, no bite Administrator Generous $250+

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    I do, very much. I’m afraid I don’t have great ideas for managing it, except the usual CBT/DBT stuff.

    Good on you for going! The crying might have just been a release of stress.

    Really, well done :)
     
    Chiqui, Wilmot, mumstheword and 6 others like this.
  7. Living in the 70s

    Living in the 70s Was Disco Dancing Queen Premium Member Donated

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    I totally relate to how you are feeling.

    That is great progress! I often do that!

    Great stuff!

    That is awesome! So you were scared and it all worked out anyway!
     
    Wilmot, mumstheword and Bearlinda like this.
  8. AngelkeeperJ

    AngelkeeperJ ❣️ Blessed❣️ Premium Member Generous $250+

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    (((@Bearlinda )))
    Congrats on going out to try something new, alone. That is SO brave of you to do, I can't see me doing something like that. You can be proud of yourself for doing it! Crying is a healthy thing to do, especially when you have been able to do something that was really difficult and challenging. Good for you!

    I haven't figured out a way to talk myself "up" when I am really low. Maybe someday?

    Keep up the good work!
     
  9. barefoot

    barefoot I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    Sorry, I’ve only just seen this otherwise I’d have replied sooner.

    Firstly, well done for pushing through the fear and anxiety and actually going. That’s a bloody big deal!

    Secondly - it’s great that you enjoy trying new things. For me, that fact alone makes me think that you are bold, courageous, open-minded, adventurous...traits that, to me, are very positive traits (I am quite envious, truth be told)

    As others have said,I suspect that crying afterwards was probably a way of discharging the anxiety that havebuilt up. A practical, physiological release.

    To be honest, I don’t think I really relate to the idea of feeling anxious about social things because I feel defective. But I have plenty of anxiety about social things (a meal with a cuisine I’ve never tried before sitting in a long table full of strangers?! Fuuuuck!) and I then often go to being hard on myself for feeling such fear and that then often takes me to a place of shame because I feel that my anxiety means I am a pathetic wimp. So...it’s a bit different to what you’re talking about but I think I sort of get it in a slightly different way...?

    What do I do or say to myself to stop being down on myself (ie when I’m disgusted with myself for being so pathetic or feeling ashamed by how scared I feel about something that I think shouldn’t be a big deal)? I tend to ask myself what’s true about that statement and what’s the lie in it. And I make lists trying to find what eveidence there is that something is true or false. Proper evidence about things I have done or said etc rather than just “it’s true because that’s how it feels right now.” Sometimes it helps me to get a clearer perspective. Othertimes I just remain convinced that I’m pathetic.

    Seriously though - really well done for going and I’m glad you ended up sitting with some decent people and have discovered some new delicious culinary delights!
     
  10. Living in the 70s

    Living in the 70s Was Disco Dancing Queen Premium Member Donated

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    I am doing a 30 day Self Compassion Challenge and it is really hard going, and Self Compassion crosses over in to DBT and CBT. I am very hard on myself, and I attack myself a lot so doing the Self Compassion is useful for me,but when I started I would have fairly full on suicidal ideation when I even through about doing some kind things for myself.

    I have read Kristin Neff's book and I am reading Chris Germer's book. I am listening to Step by Step Self Compassion by Kristin Neff. Kristin Neff and Chris Germer's websites have lots of exercises and audio and guided meditations, which might interest you or not as the case may be.

    DBT Self Help has some interesting resources as well as an instant mindfulness section.

    I am really proud of you for feeling the fear and doing it anyway, it is not easy. Way to go!
     
    mumstheword and Bearlinda like this.
  11. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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    Thanks for the kind words everyone :)

    Trying to reply. Feel all tangled up. Makes it difficult to get thoughts down on paper. It's like there's too damned much story trying to come out all at the same time. Too many strands or something

    Got myself another T cause I realised I need to get some of this stuff off my chest. Hopefully it will help me not be so tied up in knots

    Anyway,

    Friday evening when I realised I felt quite intimidated n scared about the evening I posted here and I confess I was sad each time I checked back and had no reply. I totally get that that's how it goes sometimes

    My reaction is absolutely all about other things going on in my life and my past. but my reaching out here and to Mr and getting no reply from anyone. I felt a bit frightened. Cognitive distortions going on for sure.

    But I realise I was wanting a bit of pep talk maybe. Is that an ok thing to ask for here? I realise when I get upset I can forget any useful tips n tricks and often want to reach out to someone though I am getting much better at it.

    I guess I feel a bit unsure - I think through being here I am in the process of changing some beliefs to healthier ones.. it's a process tho hey. I think I'm slowly chipping away at a belief that comes up when I feel upset and feel powerless and I think I got stuck there cause it genuinely wouldn't occur to me that I can do something about things. I would think only others had the power to help me. Embarrassd to only be learning this in my 40's but there we are.

    So I suppose I'm thinking this must have affected the way I go about reaching out for help? I don't know. I find it so hard to reach out for help. But I wanna learn how to be better at it.

    Anyway on friday I looked online and I found these quotes helpful. Particularly this one. Cause tho I'm pleased I went I wouldn't say it went well. But this one helped me be ok with that.


    Good to be reminded of this an all.


    Thanks everyone for you posts, I'd like to reply a bit more again soon. :)
     
  12. barefoot

    barefoot I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    Glad that you’ve got yourself a new T - good to have someone that you can untangle stuff with 1:1!

    I would say yes, for sure!

    I think weekends can be slow around here - I’m sure I have posted before on weekend evenings and didn’t get any response because there’s just not much traffic around here then. Or perhaps people are just popping on to catch up on threads they are already watching as opposed to scouring the site for new stuff.

    I’m sorry you didn’t get any posts at the time - can understand that that probably didn’t feel great especially as you were looking for some support and encouragement to power you through that evening. But please know it’s not because there was anything “wrong” with your post or what you were looking for here.

    And, again - awesome that you went ahead and did it without getting the pep talk you were seeking!

    Take care.
     
    Wilmot and berlinda like this.
  13. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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