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Drained, tired and flat

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AnxiousAmber

New Here
Afternoon all,

This is just me writing about yesterday. Last year I suffered a horrific nervous breakdown which lasted for nine months. I was refused treatment for being either 'too ill', 'too distressed' or because I am prosecuting CSA (incest). I went utterly BANANAs. I was hallucinating, suffering insane levels of fear, paranoia, panic and anxiety attacks and puking my guts up on the daily. To say I was erratic is an understatement.

I'm still fighting to get treatment or therapy. The problem is that I also relapsed HEAVILY with Alcohol last year. This is another barrier to treatment despite the fact that the main reason I couldn't get off the damn stuff was the lack of support. I was actively suicidal and felt like hurting myself so badly that I threw EVERY sharp object out of our house, over the wall or in the bin on an almost daily basis.

I got sober about five weeks ago. I'm currently trying to piece my life back together but I'm an emotional, psychological and physical wreck. I've managed to resolve things with my partner, he is incredibly supportive. I want to go back to work as soon as possible as I hate not having my independence but he wants me to focus on getting better. I'm kind of in limbo about that one.

I've been fortunate to be offered six weeks of 'grounding' counselling for free by a local Rape and Abuse charity. They are helping but I'm brutally aware that they end in two weeks. I've been to alcohol services who were due to refer me to the Psychiatric team again, but they tell me they can't do that. I went to the Dr last week and she has written a 're' referral letter for me. The waiting list is likely to be 18 months to a year.

I'm essentially in limbo, trying to get my shit together but I'm emotionally flat, disinterested in life and numb to everything. I'm currently doing my second post grad degree, I'm at the thesis stage of an MSC in Psychology and Neuroscience in Mental Health. Paying for it without working is stressing me out. Trying to focus on difficult material is almost impossible. Not working is making me feel lazy and feckless. It's all I can do on a daily basis to crawl out of bed, tidy the house, wash myself, struggle to study and then look after my dogs.

I just don't know what to do. I'm attempting to eat well but my stomach is a mess, I'm going to the gym or training 6 days a week. This might seem excessive but I'm a fully qualified Advanced Fitness Professional and training is what keeps me on an even keel. I don't take medication as it doesn't agree with me and I'm not sure that I have the mental/psychological resilience to deal with 'adapting' to anything.

I've got CPTSD and Severe Anxiety, a psychiatrist last year attempted to suggest personality or emotional disorder and I'm not sorry to say that I threw some academia his way to tell him to shove that notion. Being a MH academic puts the back up of every 'specialist' I see, that or I'm discredited as 'nothing other than a drunk'.

Alcohol services told me that since I have gotten myself sober there isn't anythign they can really do to help me. The Psychiatrist team have told me that I have to 'engage' with Alcohol Services to gain treatment, what I'd like to know is how exactly do I do that if they have no treatment plan for me...

Ah well this is just me pouring out the MEH and shittiness that was yesterday/today. It's time to go back to the books.

A xx
 
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@AnxiousAmber - if you believe that you are doing all of that ^ the only thing I see missing is you giving yourself some time to adjust, to rest & to stay sober.

In your post you've listed some amazing achievements and milestones such as getting sober.

I can understand why you may feel drained, tired and flat. However at the same time the potential for you to recover is still there and likely to happen if you allow yourself some recovery time. That doesn't mean doing nothing btw., but you know this.
 
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