Dreaming of what my life could have been if I had not been a victim of sexual abuse at 10

David1959

Confident
As I have been writing diaries here lately and with my mind constantly racing unless I deaden the feelings with help, I often wonder what my life would have looked like

- What I did - I would have listened in school and been a great student building a foundation of knowledge for the future. Instead I had no ability too listen and by 13 had started getting high to deaden the pain

- What I did - By the time I got to High School (I went to 3 different High Schools) I was more focused on escaping reality than moving forward

- What I did - When I think back to my youth I have no idea how my parents survived me, I was wild did not listen and with my parents divorced I had limited oversight and basically ran wild

- What I did - Although abused by a professional Pedophile between ages 10-12 I never told anyone so I am sure everyone just thought I was crazy

- What I did - I never went to college which placed unbelievably complicated road blocks in front of me for the rest of my life

- What I did - I pretended that the horror of my abuse did not matter when in fact it controlled every life decision I have made and so many have been wrong

I could go on, but at 61 I now sit here realizing that my weakness of character and inability to speak up at that critical time has tainted all that followed in both how I feel and act.

Bottom line is I am an amazingly abnormal person who has kidded myself for 50 years that I was actually making decisions when in fact it has been the warped 10 yo little boy who has been in control all along
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Kindness.
Reading your post makes me think of you holding the anger of what someone did to you within you. Blaming you. Holding you responsible.
It wasn't you
It was never you.
You were a child with no choices.

I get it.
I also think: who would I have been? Who am I now? What would I have done? I think my whole career choice is because of the CSA. I could have been something else!
I also held it in. I also went wild (drinking aged 12, drugs by age 15 etc etc).
But.....
All that is communicating what we experienced. Just no one around saw or took control.

How about looking at it the opposite way.
All the achievements you have done despite the obstacles put in your way.

I don't know your whole story.but for me they are:.
Stopping taking drugs
I prevented myself from going into sex work.
I got out of abusive relationship s and discovered healthy ones
I found positive and trusting friendships
I held down jobs
I bought my own home all on my own
I created stability for me.

All that despite what happened.

Working on kindness and compassion for yourself will help you to see it and make peace with yourself.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Yes I understand this but eventually I stopped thinking about it. The therapist helped me so much to realise it was ok and that means the whole thing. But it took years and was an entire shift in focus and how I regard myself and I’m hardly cured or fixed but I’m not depressed and I’m certainty not suicidal anymore.

So what’s all that mean or what did I do and I’d summarize by saying the therapist kept saying you’re ok and I’d be furious and be like how can you say that. We did that for years.

I guess slowly I started seeing how much I hated myself and could I give that up and how I blamed myself and how I behaved so people would re enforce how bad I felt and so on.

Rinse and repeat. It’s a hard process. Thanks for your posts.
 

David1959

Confident
Kindness.
Reading your post makes me think of you holding the anger of what someone did to you within you. Blaming you. Holding you responsible.
It wasn't you
It was never you.
You were a child with no choices.

I get it.
I also think: who would I have been? Who am I now? What would I have done? I think my whole career choice is because of the CSA. I could have been something else!
I also held it in. I also went wild (drinking aged 12, drugs by age 15 etc etc).
But.....
All that is communicating what we experienced. Just no one around saw or took control.

How about looking at it the opposite way.
All the achievements you have done despite the obstacles put in your way.

I don't know your whole story.but for me they are:.
Stopping taking drugs
I prevented myself from going into sex work.
I got out of abusive relationship s and discovered healthy ones
I found positive and trusting friendships
I held down jobs
I bought my own home all on my own
I created stability for me.

All that despite what happened.

Working on kindness and compassion for yourself will help you to see it and make peace with yourself.
Thx Moving - I have had some amazing successes in my life but that does not seem to help overcome the fatal flaw at 10

Yes I understand this but eventually I stopped thinking about it. The therapist helped me so much to realise it was ok and that means the whole thing. But it took years and was an entire shift in focus and how I regard myself and I’m hardly cured or fixed but I’m not depressed and I’m certainty not suicidal anymore.

So what’s all that mean or what did I do and I’d summarize by saying the therapist kept saying you’re ok and I’d be furious and be like how can you say that. We did that for years.

I guess slowly I started seeing how much I hated myself and could I give that up and how I blamed myself and how I behaved so people would re enforce how bad I felt and so on.

Rinse and repeat. It’s a hard process. Thanks for your posts.
Hi Mach - The odd thing is I don't hate myself I hate what happened to me and the long term damage
 

Friday

Moderator
‘What IF’ isn’t a real place... so I try not to go there.

Being an imaginary place? It’s made of nothing but dreams or nightmares, depending on which way the winds are blowing

That’s not to say it can’t be useful. Sometimes old dreams just need shaking out and looked at with new experience and old eyes, to be made real here. But otherwise? I try and keep dreams and nightmares confined to when I’m asleep ;)
 

David1959

Confident
‘What IF’ isn’t a real place... so I try not to go there.

Being an imaginary place? It’s made of nothing but dreams or nightmares, depending on which way the winds are blowing

That’s not to say it can’t be useful. Sometimes old dreams just need shaking out and looked at with new experience and old eyes, to be made real here. But otherwise? I try and keep dreams and nightmares confined to when I’m asleep ;)
I am totally not the type of person that thinks what if.......... The problem I am facing is as I learn and come to grips with my abuse and learn about consequences I realize that my what if's are not dreams but truth. My life would have been so different had I not been abused by a pedophile for 2 years. This is not a dream about something unrealistic but rather the realization that my entire life was destroyed by these events I could have stopped. I know I was only 10 but I should have realized
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
realizing that my weakness of character and inability to speak up at that critical time has tainted all that followed in both how I feel and act.

So there are many of us on this forum and in life who were also abused by a pedophile when young and did not speak up. Would you say we are also weak of character? And if not, why do you judge us differently?

And let's play your what if game for a moment.

What if you told, but the person you told not only didn't believe you, the shamed you for speaking and you had that trauma added to what already happened.

What if, you weren't abused at 10, so at 15 you were taking a car ride that never happened and there was a horrible crash and everyone died but you? What if you were the one driving that car?

What if you went to college and were abused there and your life crashed at that point and you dropped out and because you were older and had more resources available to you and found it harder to forgive yourself, you committed suicide?

What if you graduated from college and were successful at your job and were mugged and shot at the bank machine and had life long injuries and couldn't work again and got addicted to the opiates the doctor prescribed?

That's the problem with the what if game. You don't actually know what would have happened. Yes, your life was damaged. Yes, it changed your path. And that's worth grieving, but imagining what could have happened sends you in impossible circles.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I am totally not the type of person that thinks what if.......... The problem I am facing is as I learn and come to grips with my abuse and learn about consequences I realize that my what if's are not dreams but truth. My life would have been so different had I not been abused by a pedophile for 2 years. This is not a dream about something unrealistic but rather the realization that my entire life was destroyed by these events I could have stopped. I know I was only 10 but I should have realized
I deal with this same sort of grief. It's a case of greiving the loss of potential.
I'm a bright lady, thoughtful, caring, but I had similar responses to my childhood violence, neglect, emotional and sexual abuse trauma.

Messed up in school, dropped out, got into getting out of it and endangered myself with bad choices from that very devastated place.
So alcohol abuse, drugs, self harming, risky behaviours, lots more sexual abuse, teen pregnancies, years of homelessness, a long term abuse relationship with an ephobophile, while I am a high IQ individual. Now I'm still poor, have a slew of offspring with said ephobophile, still can't drive a car, no job, neuro issues.

So, I relate.

It's not all bad. I've done some good things. I'm a decent human, I now have a great relationship with a similarly trauma-history and brain injured, but, amazing guy. Very in love. I'm artistically talented and had a performance career for many years. I have 7 beautiful children. And am expecting my first grandchild. So, not all bad, but, sometimes, I really feel the grief over loss of what could have been without the childhood abuse. So, I understand.
Hugs @David1959. You are not alone in this.
 

David1959

Confident
I deal with this same sort of grief. It's a case of greiving the loss of potential.
I'm a bright lady, thoughtful, caring, but I had similar responses to my childhood violence, neglect, emotional and sexual abuse trauma.

Messed up in school, dropped out, got into getting out of it and endangered myself with bad choices from that very devastated place.
So alcohol abuse, drugs, self harming, risky behaviours, lots more sexual abuse, teen pregnancies, years of homelessness, a long term abuse relationship with an ephobophile, while I am a high IQ individual. Now I'm still poor, have a slew of offspring with said ephobophile, still can't drive a car, no job, neuro issues.

So, I relate.

It's not all bad. I've done some good things. I'm a decent human, I now have a great relationship with a similarly trauma-history and brain injured, but, amazing guy. Very in love. I'm artistically talented and had a performance career for many years. I have 7 beautiful children. And am expecting my first grandchild. So, not all bad, but, sometimes, I really feel the grief over loss of what could have been without the childhood abuse. So, I understand.
Hugs @David1959. You are not alone in this.
Thank you Mums, you are a very strong woman and have survived so much, yet you have such a great outlook and successes.
 

Missycat

MyPTSD Pro
I totally relate to everything everyone has said. I spent a lot of time in the ‘what if’ stage , and all it did was increase my anger and potentially damage all the great things i had achieved.
fortunately i agreed to therapy ( my partner was worried and i knew i needed help) . I met an amazing therapist ( who i still work with) . She helped me see how much i had achieved and could still achieve, how amazing i was in that i had gone through so much damaging stuff , i was still struggling but i was functioning - good job, own house , car etc , strong relationship, many friends, travelled the world etc . I had lost sight of this just because i was stuck in ‘what if’ . No one knows what is around the corner, no one knows what may or may not have happened - you cant change what happened hon but you can change how you feel now and how you move forward. Yes its bloody hard and yes it might be 5 steps forward and 10 back .. but you will get there. Take care and stay strong.
 

David1959

Confident
I totally relate to everything everyone has said. I spent a lot of time in the ‘what if’ stage , and all it did was increase my anger and potentially damage all the great things i had achieved.
fortunately i agreed to therapy ( my partner was worried and i knew i needed help) . I met an amazing therapist ( who i still work with) . She helped me see how much i had achieved and could still achieve, how amazing i was in that i had gone through so much damaging stuff , i was still struggling but i was functioning - good job, own house , car etc , strong relationship, many friends, travelled the world etc . I had lost sight of this just because i was stuck in ‘what if’ . No one knows what is around the corner, no one knows what may or may not have happened - you cant change what happened hon but you can change how you feel now and how you move forward. Yes its bloody hard and yes it might be 5 steps forward and 10 back .. but you will get there. Take care and stay strong.
Thanks Missycat, everything rings true I think I just need to hopefully get to a place where I stop blaming myself, looks like a long way off because there is so much to blame. Like you I have much to be thankful for, a loving wife, two wonderful children and now two grandchildren. In some ways I have lived a life many would lorne for but honestly I have to learn how to enjoy it.

Example, for a number of years my wife and I ran a tour operating company and when I think back to the 30+ trips overseas serving thousands of customers, many of whom called our trips the best experience in their lives. Yet when I think back to those trips all I can remember are the things that went wrong.
 
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