As I have been writing diaries here lately and with my mind constantly racing unless I deaden the feelings with help, I often wonder what my life would have looked like
- What I did - I would have listened in school and been a great student building a foundation of knowledge for the future. Instead I had no ability too listen and by 13 had started getting high to deaden the pain
- What I did - By the time I got to High School (I went to 3 different High Schools) I was more focused on escaping reality than moving forward
- What I did - When I think back to my youth I have no idea how my parents survived me, I was wild did not listen and with my parents divorced I had limited oversight and basically ran wild
- What I did - Although abused by a professional Pedophile between ages 10-12 I never told anyone so I am sure everyone just thought I was crazy
- What I did - I never went to college which placed unbelievably complicated road blocks in front of me for the rest of my life
- What I did - I pretended that the horror of my abuse did not matter when in fact it controlled every life decision I have made and so many have been wrong
I could go on, but at 61 I now sit here realizing that my weakness of character and inability to speak up at that critical time has tainted all that followed in both how I feel and act.
Bottom line is I am an amazingly abnormal person who has kidded myself for 50 years that I was actually making decisions when in fact it has been the warped 10 yo little boy who has been in control all along
- What I did - I would have listened in school and been a great student building a foundation of knowledge for the future. Instead I had no ability too listen and by 13 had started getting high to deaden the pain
- What I did - By the time I got to High School (I went to 3 different High Schools) I was more focused on escaping reality than moving forward
- What I did - When I think back to my youth I have no idea how my parents survived me, I was wild did not listen and with my parents divorced I had limited oversight and basically ran wild
- What I did - Although abused by a professional Pedophile between ages 10-12 I never told anyone so I am sure everyone just thought I was crazy
- What I did - I never went to college which placed unbelievably complicated road blocks in front of me for the rest of my life
- What I did - I pretended that the horror of my abuse did not matter when in fact it controlled every life decision I have made and so many have been wrong
I could go on, but at 61 I now sit here realizing that my weakness of character and inability to speak up at that critical time has tainted all that followed in both how I feel and act.
Bottom line is I am an amazingly abnormal person who has kidded myself for 50 years that I was actually making decisions when in fact it has been the warped 10 yo little boy who has been in control all along