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Drinking, Smoking, Alcohol and Medication

Discussion in 'Medications & Substances' started by dazednconfused, Dec 8, 2006.

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  1. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    I know I have seen posts about some of you all using alcohol to self-medicate. My husband told me this past weekend he got plastered. This is from a man who has not drank a drop that I know of in the past at least 13 years.

    Now he is acting like a womanizer, drinking, smoking and generally does not even resemble my husband and told me the other day that I made his skin crawl....

    He then in another sentence talks about us getting back together at some point after the divorce.... What planet does he live on????

    I love him, but I have had to face facts that he does not want me anymore and then I have to be around him and it is so hard not to want to walk up to him and actually hug him. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just let go?

    It is obvious he does not care at all for me as he tells me that he and this "new girl" can laugh together. Like we never laughed together in the beginning... It is all good in the beginning, but is this woman going to love him when he is unlovable.... I kinda doubt it... When he tries to control her, I believe she will say hit the door Jack....

    Why does the grass always look so much greener? My husband was totally opposite to this up until about 6-7 months ago when they put him on the Lexapro and I know everyone keeps saying it is not the med and although I do not think it is all the med, I think it may have made him brave enough to do what he has done or something.

    Just wondered about your thoughts/feelings. It is getting to where I am just absolutely numb toward this man and he is killing off any feeling that I have for him. It is like that is what he is trying to do, to ease his guilt or something for leaving me and our son... Like he is trying to punish himself or something. He just keeps telling me that he is this bad, evil person and would only drag me down with him if we were together. This is the man that has taken care of me for 17 years and been the love of my life and overnight has turned into this "incredible hulk" type person unable to even stand to be in crowds.

    I am still having trouble buying into all this that he does not love me at all ever stuff.... We have shared so many things together.

    Hope you guys are having a better week than me. All I have been able to do is to sit around and cry and now on top of my husband leaving, my mother being ill, my son now has strep throat... This is just not even funny anymore, but I guess you gotta laugh, or you will cry.

    dazed :crybaby:
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    Excuse me if I am wrong... I only touch and go in the spouse forum.
    From your posts in spouse you cannot even "buy" into the PTSD and why does he have it because you did OK. If you cannot accept that simple fact two people can have all the same things happen and one have PTSD and one not, well you are not going to be able to get the rest and have not read info here or post by others. I don't see how that attitude would not bleed over and make him run further. You have not researched this apparently with all the info here.

    This shit is hard but from what I have seen and read you have more issues than PTSD at work. PTSD aside people split up, which seems to be the case. People with PTSD and a spouse who cannot understand why they can't get over it because you did makes it that much worse. Especially if you do not actively try to understand and work with what you have. He is normal for PTSD, you normal for without.

    Being I have an identical twin that went through the same BS and I have this and she does not... It proves shit just happens to one and not another. How can you support if you cannot even believe this happens? You have already learned what was told to you from the beginning here... It was most likely not simple spankings and how far is too far? No one knows as one does not react as the next. A good reason parents need to parent and not hit because which blow sends a kid over?

    You are not going to get a magic remedy to fix this if he has taken up with another. You most certainly will not if you cannot accept he has this when you don't seem to. You make that clear here. I cannot help but it is made clear to him. Being in these shoes you would certainly run to more sympathatic arms. Sucks, yes. But also normal.

    From what I have gotten from your posts - you did not believe him. He had this and you did not get why not get over it like you did. Later you saw it was abuse but still he should get over it... He has run to another. Hon at one point he protected you and his kid. Now he is protecting his kid and himself because the attitude you put off here he has to protect himself.

    I wold never say this in spouse section but you did not this time... You put it in PTSD. So you have one PTSDers point of view.

    I don't see how if he is not trying to numb this pain if it is new to him and with all the new stress (yours and child he wants to protect). He will fix it when ready but your way of viewing PTSD is driving nails in the coffin.

    You need to move on and watch out for the kid. I hope you don't cut dad out to be a bad person in the process, dad had a problem that needs help. He did not do this to himself.
  4. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    I accept now that he has PTSD, but I do not think all of this is related to the PTSD. He just keeps giving mixed signals. Like he says he cannot stand to look at me and will not go to a basketball game where my child plays and then he comes to the game and sits beside me and talks to me during the game. I try to just respond if he asks a question. I just don't know how to act around him anymore. He says now that he does not have a "girlfriend" and that the things he had been telling everyone (other men) were to boost his "ego" in front of them. I just want to be able to help him and I am trying my best to just leave him alone, but then he is kinda "there". I mean I am glad to see him of course, but try not to act that way, because it seems to hurt him even more if I act like I care.

    I believe that he does have problems and everything, but if I can't help him with them and I am supposed to go on with my life, then why can't he and I both be able to totally let go of each other. I just want the pain to end, but I am sure there is a lot more pain coming.....

  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    If you buy this line of bull not much anyone can say or do to help you.

    Never had a break up go smoothly, it takes time to let go, it is a normal thing.

    You can bet your bottom dollar on that too. At least you recognize it so prepare for it.

    Splitting up sucks PTSD or not. It hurts. It hurts kids. There is no way to avoid that in a break up. But you learn to move on. That is all you can really do for yourself, your kid, and him.
  6. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Dazed, I know its PTSD, because I went through the exact same thing actually. I came home from a war zone, flipped out, acted all nice and tried to suppress all the BS going on in my head, but within two months I could no longer hold it. I just walked in, out of the blue, told her I was leaving, went and found another girl the same night, slept with her a week later.

    After I did this, it then started to dawn on me what I had done. Saying this, I did not know I had PTSD at this time, nor was I medicated, apart from alcohol that is. Over the following six months I wanted to get back with my wife, but I also didn't, as I wanted to go drink and sleep with other girls. I missed my child was really the end result. Being with her meant being with my son, but I then got a serious girlfriend and things changed.

    I even slept with my ex-wife after she took me home one night out on the town... I just kicked another girl I had been seeing for a week or two out of my life, went out, got drunk, ended up in bed with her. In the morning it hurt us both more than anything, because she asked, "what now?" That didn't even figure to me, as it was only about the sex, nothing more.

    That hurt her, that hurt me, but it was the truth from my perspective. I was in and out of relationships for a good near two years. I basically just couldn't tolerate a partner longer than a few months, maximum, before I was sleeping with someone else.

    Why? It was mainly because of the changes my brain was going through with PTSD, denial, anxiety, depression... fighting everything that PTSD was trying to do too me at that time, unknowingly to myself. No medication involved.

    When I straightened myself out, I got better for a couple of years, then fell over and found out I had PTSD. Got medicated... and that did not give me those thoughts as I had lived taking Lexapro. What I did in the past was more as I see it, from actually getting the PTSD into full-swing within me, and not having one clue what was going on within me, or how to control it.

    PTSD feels like your being pulled apart inside... If you relate it to breaking up from a loved one, times it by about 5 - 10, and thats what PTSD feels like inside.

    Honestly, he doesn't know what he wants, and he won't for some time... being a good year or more. He must want to help himself before I would even chance trying to fix your marriage. He will just do it again otherwise, and hurt you more.
  7. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member


    I know I have to move on with my life and I am trying to, but it is just so hard to do this. My husband was my best friend and we did everything together and now not to have that it is just so hard.

    I guess I really have not had him for the last 3 years though as he told me some things he had been doing over the last 3 years and about all the lies he had told me over the years. It is like I lived with this man for 17 years and never even knew who he was really.

    Thanks for all the insight. I know you guys probably think I am nuts or something. I just have to be able to let go and go on with my life. I just know that a year or two down the road, after my husband has been divorced and through these "relationships" that he brags about now that he can and will have that he will wake up one morning and think about how happy we were together before all of this and wish he had a wife that cared for him as deeply and unconditionally as I do. One that put him before herself and basically whatever he wanted from her, she did so he would be happy.

    I have never made myself happy really through the whole marriage and I guess that is why it is so hard now, I don't know how to be happy without him. We were married when I was only 20 and so I was young and he was this "older guy" (6 years between us) that was settled and loved me and would be with me forever and ever according to him and to have all that just go away overnight and now I feel like I am being "erased" or something like that.

    Just keep me in your prayers and maybe one day I can post that I am over all this and that I am actually happy on my own. I know I do not have to have a man to be happy, but I enjoyed the settled married life and I thought he did too.

    He just now says that the guilt is eating him up and he can't be around us much. I really don't know what he is guilty of other than the few "dark secrets" as he calls them that he revealed to me, but I would hope that I could forgive just about anything and we could work it out. You just don't give up, but he says he is a "coward" and he has always been a coward and that I guess he is choosing to run instead of face things and fight for us. He said he had just clung to us for so long that he could not cling anymore and finally has let loose to do whatever I guess "feels good" to him at the time, like Anthony spoke of. I am so sad for him, because his life is not going to be easy for him and even though he thinks he is happy with the drinking and things, I know from past experience myself, this is good for awhile, but then you have to "wake up" sometime and when you do, your problems are still there. The only peace is with Jesus Christ and until he figures that out and has that peace in his heart, he is not going to be truly happy.

    I am hurting right now as far as this break up and the things that are going on, but as far as peace in my heart with Jesus and that I can lay down at night and not worry about that, I am happy, so I guess I should not dwell on the physical things that are happening right now and just know that God is taking care of me and my child and even though through the divorce I may have to sell everything (that is what he is saying), I will be okay. God will help me find another place to live and life will go on with or without my husband.

    I have lots of good friends and family that are helping me through this and you guys are my friends too and I like it that you are "brutally" honest with me and do not sugar-coat things like some of my friends do.

    I really think my husband may be on drugs and that scares me. A friend of mine that saw him yesterday, was honest with me and she has been around people on drugs and she knew my husband before all of this mess and she told me she did not want to scare me/hurt my feelings, but that she believes he is doing something besides the Lexapro that I told her he is on.

    He says he will take a drug test, but I think he may be saying that to throw me off so I will not request one when we go to court, but I fully intend on doing this, before custody issues are handled, because I do not want my child exposed to a life of drugs/alcohol if I can help it, plus you just don't know what people will do while on the drugs/alcohol.

    Most of the time now, he sees our child when I am present or his mom and dad are present, but when he can take him alone, I have to make sure our child is protected and I know it and I guess he does too, because he does not ask to see him very much right now and I like it that way for the moment. I do want them to have a relationship though, because he is his daddy and that will never, never change. I have seen so many mamas shut the daddy out of things and the child suffer and I don't think that is the answer unless they are hurting the child or something.

    Thanks for your prayers and for letting me ask questions and vent.

    dazed :smile:
  8. hannah

    hannah Active Member

    Dazed - I can totally identify with what you are saying - girl you are not alone I could have written more or less your post. Our kids are older but they can see it from an adult perspective and that hurts them more and in turn me also. We are trying to "get on with things" but each day I wish and hope but that does no good I am just dissapointed. Some minutes are better than others and I also pray to God that it will turn out right for the family. I am humbled by the way our kids take this for what it is - he is not here so get on with it they have their lives to lead. My life is him..... that doesnt mean I dont enjoy my pastimes but thats just what they have been passing time until my greatest joy ....my family supporting laughing and enjoying each other we are one missing he is happy with an hour a week meeting them seperatley - me he will take my calls! but I am getting very reluctant to call him now as I dont know what the hell he is thinking and is oh so deatatched...... God give us and all who are experiencing this trauma strength to do the right thing.... Take care
  9. dazednconfused

    dazednconfused Active Member

    I know what you mean....

    I just got off the phone with my hubby... I said things I shouldn't have because he just ticks me off so bad. I asked him why he is so hateful to me and he said something like "I can get even more hateful if you want me too" and then I said something like "screw you" and hung up the phone. I dont' even talk like that and don't know where it came from. I don't say ugly words and I asked God to forgive me. I feel like I am going nuts or something. He on the other hand is having the "time of his life" as he tells me. Tonight I told him that I had about had it. He has no responsibility and I am with our child 24/7 and he does nothing to help and that I was about tired of it and he does not respect me and treats me like crap and so far I have taken it, but no more. I am fed up with his crap and he had better treat me with respect and consideration for my feelings too. Do I not matter at all to the heartless creep? I normally would not call him that either, but right now, I feel lower than low and just wish this would not hurt so bad. He seems so happy and like nothing bothers him. How is this? I thought if you had PTSD you felt bad or something, but he feels just wonderful, especially when he is hurting me. It is like it gives him some kind of satisfaction or something....

    He keeps putting off sending the "divorce papers" and I don't understand that either, I guess that is just another means of control or something to hurt me too. I just wait for him to drop that bomb on me and wonder what he will put in those papers.

    He is killing every ounce of love that I have for him and I don't know where to find it in my heart anymore as I am just so numb and mad and angry all at the same time.....

    Just pray for me you guys. I feel like crawling in the bed, pulling the covers over my head and never getting out of bed again......

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