I understand this concept of accepting and then a feeling
My acceptance of CSA meant that, I had to accept my painful feelings of emotional rejection as well, as the shame inflicted upon me by my father. His behavior of CSA will never be acceptable to me — note the different.
Unfortunately, my father hadn’t the emotional maturity necessary to establish healthy boundaries. None of his relationships were healthy. Underneath it all, he was a very lonely sad man where no amount of child sexual abuse would change that. My mother was actually more neglectful in not helping me.
I also feared my father as being dangerous when I was a child, as I was dependent on him for my safety and survival. Yet, during this time I had to bury this fear along with all of my other emotions. This had been my way of coping with it. My problem inow, is that, I'm still doing it.
As for using psychedelic drugs, I know nothing about that. I’d only taken Valium and antidepressants (which never helped) under my doctor’s care during my 20s and amphetamine (doctor prescribed, bad idea) from age 17 to 19. I never drank at all until age 53 and even then very rarely, during holiday gatherings. The most pleasant feelings I’ve ever experiences were self-induced without drugs — wish that came in a bottle, as it only happens rarely.
@OliveJewel you mentioned tapping into your anger and letting go, yes, painful as that is it’s healing! Anger, fear and sadness they’re all emotions and when one is felt the others will likely follow.
I can’t eat when I’m in a freeze state because my entire focus will be fixated on the immediate threat. I won’t have much body awareness during my freeze. I do however have more awareness and mobility during my dissociation. Yet when frozen I won’t even think to move. It’s not as though, I were paralyzed rather, it’s the actual thought of moving my body that doesn’t occur.