DV survivor + C PTSD Dating/ Breakups

Divine

New Here
Hey guys,

Just had *another* break up today. I feel them harder as they feel like they're letting my abusive ex win, like I'll never be loved, looked after, valued. I feel the need to date, I focus on it even if there are good things in other parts of my life I will be distracted by being single or focused on someone I'm dating. I very much want a relationship and try very hard, I've had years of therapy, I'm careful how I explain things with the PTSD etc and my CBD oil is managing most of my daily anxiety these days but still I keep attracting men who aren't in the right headspace for relationships, who even if they at first appear to be showing green flags disappear on me. Which then triggers me cause it reminds me of being dropped by my abusive ex in that way. I'm exhausted and I just wish I could find stability and love. I work very hard for them and I'm very open and communicative but I'm just so exhausted by this cycle. I'm in therapy and have more scheduled at the end of the year but I'm still suck in this cycle men behaving like this and its so depressing.
 

Friday

Moderator
I had to take several years off dating before my good judgement started reasserting itself.

That’s not my natural state... I’m simply a much BETTER PERSON when I’m in a relationship, even a bad one. Before divorcing my exHusband it was rare for me to be single for even a week, much less years at a stretch. 😯 Shudder. Years. Yep. Still sends waves of revulsion down my spine. Because, yeah. Even spending years single (5 of them, on purpose, as that’s the statistical average for “most” people leaving abusive relationships to not simply rinse/lather/repeat. 2 years was the minimum for roughly half, but I wanted better odds than simply flipping a coin on my life) ....5 years single? Didn’t make me good AT being single. I’m still a faaaaaaar better person, far more myself, far more pura Vida, alive, living life to the hilt... inside of a relationship. Even a bad one. But? Being dingle DID change who I was willing to date. Which changed the pattern of abuse/assholes. Which was shocking to the Nth degree. Even though that’s what I was going for.
 
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