Dying of lonliness

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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
For the past 3 yrs, I have stayed in bed 20 hours a day except maybe once a week. There are other reasons than loneliness that have caused this, and i have assumed that to be the case.

Next week, I am going to the beach with my husband and dog. I have been in a panic state. Not sure why. My dog is old and its my fear of him dying is why the have made special arrangements to take him with us.

My physical condition has been been getting worse by the week. I had a dr appt last week to get a referral to a neurologist. My husband had me cancel at last minute because he needed a ride. That was the beginning of hopelessness for me.

I am so sick that I isolate. I have many things wrong with me, but symptoms of MS have worsened. I am tired all the time and have numbness. I can't adequately care for my home anymore, and can't care for myself some of the time.

I explained this to my husband tonight, and basically he said he doesn't give a damn. I think he wants me for a tax write off, a bit of a maid, etc. but expects little from me and doesn't expect me to live long. I have been feeling so damn lonely for so damn long that I never even considered what he thought about the situation.

We never had the same life goals or dreams. He is such an ass that he is 62 yr old and waiting to retire...in 2 yrs....for what? He has never had any plans.

His need to be private has robbed him of a life of happiness and connection, and clearly I have allowed that as well. What is the point in going on!
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I am really sorry that you are going through all this. I have Lyme Disease, so I can relate to some of it concerning your MS, which seems to cause similar symptoms.

I was married for 23 years, then my husband died. I have slowly put together a life that is good now, but different from our lives back then. I could not do much around the house back then (and still can't now either, I get help). We loved dogs too.

Anyway, back to you! Do you have any hobbies? (We share images of art and write poetry on these Forums too, so please join in, if you do! There are threads in the SOCIAL for these things). My hobbies have really helped me a lot to overcome some of the loneliness that I have experienced since hubby's death.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you SpiritSong. I don't have much talents, or if I do, I haven't found them.

I realized after I posted this that I forgot the main part...or at least kind of.

I tried to talk to him tonight about some things...including our vacation next week. He asked 'why do you bring this shit up when you know I have to get up for work" indicating its too late tonight.

I tried to talk to him a few nights ago, but he insisted on watching a movie on "our new" subscription to netflix.
Seems he shows me daily how unlovable that I am!

SpiritSong_ I am so glad you got to put back your life, and so sorry for your loss. I know that had to be so hard!
 
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brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Ya wer did that, the therapist validated him for knocking me down the steps and I quit then. He works at the hospital that provides services.
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Seems he shows me daily how unlovable that I am!
Not sure that this is the way I would read this @brat17 . Sounds more like he is incapable of loving. Anybody in the position you are in would be seriously doubting themselves and it sounds like you are taking a real hit physically as well.

Are there any women's outreach programs in your area? Do you like to swim? I recognize that you mentioned MS, for which I am very sorry that you are suffering with, so please forgive me if I am mentioning things that you feel are beyond you physically. Maybe if you could mention what your thoughts are on what you can handle if you were to get out.

The biggest question is though, do you want to get out? Do you feel like you are frozen because of your situation at home or do you feel like it is the MS?
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Ya wer did that, the therapist validated him for knocking me down the steps and I quit then. He works at...
Man! That is not what a therapist is supposed to do!!! It makes no sense. SO sorry this is the way it went. You will find the kind of support you are looking for here and in women's groups too. You mentioned a hospital, sometimes they have women's support groups. There might even be one for folks with MS. Check it out.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Its so complicated. I am too tired to think about getting out of my situation. I realized a couple yrs ago that I just need to keep peace with him and let him be, as we are in separate parts of the house most of the time. We do some things together and can get along, as long as I don't feel any stress and go along with whatever he wants to do pretty much. He doesn't knock me around...he just can't handle it if I cry or am emotional, so I show little negative emotion about anything most of the time.

After my last child was born 28 yrs ago I was very sick and saw a neurologist that thought I had MS based on MRI's. I had other things going on physically as well. Then I got somewhat better, then focused on health and got very well. I had a fall 10 yrs ago with some serious injury. Never could recover, but the past couple yrs has gotten much worse. Past few months have leg numbness, and been having little accidents. So I was going to see regular dr for referral back to neurologist. Our insurance is so bad (and he works at hospital) that I don't even know if I can get in to a neurologist. 3 yrs ago I asked for psychiatrist for medication issues and was denied, and that was after hospitalization.

I know he is incapable of loving, but sometimes it really feels lonely. Im not even sure my physical condition is MS, or if it is just lack of physical condition since Ive been in bed so long. They had me on adderoll for sleepiness and fatigue for 10 yrs but that is hard on the body too.

Swimming might be an option. Ive been trying to take little walks around the block recently.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I am glad you are walking, that is one of the best exercises you can do. Swimming would be great too, of course, if you can manage it. Swimming exercises more parts of the body than walking does even, so do try it.

If you are at peace in different parts of the house, that also is good. I am so sorry that love seems to have fallen out of the picture, but that does seem to happen in a lot of relationships. I have no clue why! It is puzzling, because it goes the other way around too sometimes instead, and the love between partners just increases.

Do you have any friends? I know that once my husband passed away, and I was lonely, a friend saved my life for me, literally and figuratively too. We would go places together in her car, even if it was just to the park for a walk and to watch the little wildlife creatures. One day I was starting a new medication, and I was at her house, just by coincidence. I had a deathly reaction to the medicine and she called the ambulance. If I had been at home, alone, I would have died! So, you never know what a good friend can do for you!

Do you have a dog? Or a cat?? They can also help with loneliness. I have a guinea pig these days. He is fun to have around!

My last piece of advice is that "Laughter is the best medicine." So if you can, watch or read things that make you laugh! It really does help.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you SpringSong. I don't know why love goes so wrong either. In mine, I found that opposites attract but likes endure. Although I think opposites can compliment each other. I know in ours, he can't accept change. On some level we are friends, but I lack trust in some areas, such as his financial decisions.

Im so glad that you had your good friend and that she saved you from a bad reaction. You're right-that could have killed you. Good friends are so important. I have a couple of good friends and I attend a group that I do get support from....both are a blessing. I also had 2 dogs, the 9 yr old passed away 3 months ago when she got seizures or a blood clot after surgery. I still have my 12 yr old lab but he was just diagnosed with a tumor on his face and the vet said removing it would likely shorten his life so we are leaving it alone. I think that is a lot of what is hitting me now. I feel like my time with him is limited. The vet said I should not board him at this time and husband wants to drive 8 hours to the ocean next week. Since I won't leave him, we found a place that takes dogs but Im worried this is too much for him, and its definitely too much for me right now. The thought of traveling is making me so anxious. I guess husbands lack of empathy is also making me feel lonelier than ever.

So he wants me to go to high school pre reunion friday night, the reunion saturday night, to the 8 hr beach trip monday. Then when we get back, take his 89 yr old mother for cataract surgery 2 weeks in a row. By then, summer is over and I still haven't got to my gp, missed my respiratory and eye appointments in past month. Just discouraged with low energy.

Laughter is the best medicine....I try to remind myself of that and actually laugh a lot, even about the simplest things.
Thank you for your kind words and support. I am going to try to swim.
 

Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
Your Dr.'s appointments are not negotiable. Don't let anyone (including him) make you miss them. Be firm on that. Stay home from the trip if you have to, but get to your appointments! They are just as important (if not more so) than his mother's appointment(s). On this I would be very stubborn. That is just me. That is what I would DEMAND. That is my OPINION, but it is a strong one. I wish you the best with all this!
 
Hi - I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. I think @SpiritSong is correct. Don't let your own health care drop because he can take his mother to the surgery if necessary? Or another relative?

That schedule sounds really full on @brat17 - I would not be happy to board my dog if he needed specialised care. Is there someone who can stay in the house with your dog whilst you are away?
 
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