Dysphoria, numbness and anger volatility

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Guess it’s quite a great classical here, but I’m really struggling a lot between being dysphoric, numb or anxious. It sort of rolls and responds mostly to inner triggers but the irritation has recently been quite over the roof, like stress. It’s very annoying because my brain snaps at something, mostly social triggers, decides to find it stupid or unbearable. I know what is acceptable or not from people, up to the point it starts to be visible that I’m pissed with them even if I know it isn’t their fault. Then they start to be uneasy around me, which stresses me even further.

I’m quite scared of exploding as I have a history of having lashed out. But this I think I have in hand and I just leave before it happens. It’s just the entire thing is very exhausting.

Also, that being irritated/angry is a coping mechanism against anxiety and I don’t know what to use instead. Either I become that fury that eats all the paperwork at once, either I mop back to dysphoria and avoidant anxiety, and it’s been flip-flopping like this since years.

Having gone through important DV recently + the corona crisis hasn’t helped the slightest in this. DV has worsened it a lot because of tension/release dynamic to which I became used to (cycles of 3 to 2 days towards the end) while my baseline is more of 3-6 months. I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense here. I’ve lost a lot of my irritated baseline during the DV relationship because it would have made things so much more explosive I basically deleted anger only to let it manifest in rage explosions that did respond to his lashing out and so and on…

But now it’s coming back, especially with work stressors. I just don’t want to end up scaring people around or yell at them for stupid reasons, yet I don’t want to keep grating myself to blood with all the small irritations and the slight paranoia. I hear someone laughing in the distance and it pisses me off (I used to think long long time ago it was against me, I’m realistic enough to know it has nothing to do with me, and feel pissed about that too).

Apart from isolating myself the most I can which I do, I don’t see what to do. I know only too well that oscillating between anger, tension building and methods of brutal release (not necessarily violence uh, can be getting whacked or anything) is actually addictive and will accelerate until a catastrophe. So I tend to sit through it and feel almost okay, then dysphoric, then the violent feeling of having to retreat back to my bed.

My medication combination has been quite good at managing the thing so far, plus a good deal of boundary setting (I’d call that more of a social fencing), but I’d be interested in methods of coping with this. It keeps coming back since I’m a child basically.
 

Friday

Moderator
I’d be interested in methods of coping with this.
How do you blow off steam / burn off energy before it builds up to explosive levels?

Whatever my baseline is, that’s tapping & managing my normal levels of stress? When life or symptoms are up ticking? I usually find I need to both increase my normal & add a few ‘as needed’ options to have on tap... as well as Tetris’ing things around to make better use / be responding better to what’s going on.

like instead of morning swim, work, home 3 hrs, gym, bed? Tetris my swim to right after work to blow off the stress & come home refreshed & happy... instead of exhausted/ cranky/ hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Meanwhile, the next morning I’ll probably up my game to bleed off more stress than I usually do. Either by doubling the time spent, or more often, switching things up a bit. Like rowing, or boxing, or whatever.
 
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Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Going to the gym used to be the only way I could regulate that tension. It kept me sane to be honest. It's okay not to want to be around other people and just do your own thing. People can be really draining and I understand that feeling of anxiety creeping into paranoia. Maybe you can do some sort of exercise when you feel like that.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
My first therapist told me that when I see the red flags, I should get out my self care list and work on that. I don't know if that will help you a bit, but it did work for me a lot of times. It's great that you recognize when it's about to happen, that's half the battle. I think only physical exercise will help this like those who already answered, but maybe meditation when you are feeling well?
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I’ll try some form of exercise. So far I’m heavily avoidant of it, I don’t know why. Meditating sends me through weird dream like visions, which is quite tiring. Try to bring myself in some kind of movement.
 

Friday

Moderator
Try to bring myself in some kind of movement.
Don’t forget... non-sporty movement? Is STILL exercise.

Artistic
Singing, dancing, fire arts (glass blowing, ceramics), fine arts (painting, etc.), Fiber arts (sewing, weaving, knitting), stage fighting, carving

Practical
Chopping wood, cutting a lawn, taking the stairs, parking in the farthest spot, walking/bike riding, barn work, house work, mechanical pursuits, carpentry, sign language, etc.

Silly/Fun
Bouncing on the bed, tree climbing, jumping off the swings, handstands, cartwheels, geocaching, etc.

Martial Arts
Hand to hand, sword, knife throwing, axe throwing, Tai chi, etc.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Don’t forget... non-sporty movement? Is STILL exercise.

Artistic
Singing, dancing, fire arts (glass blowing, ceramics), fine arts (painting, etc.), Fiber arts (sewing, weaving, knitting), stage fighting, carving

Practical
Chopping wood, cutting a lawn, taking the stairs, parking in the farthest spot, walking/bike riding, barn work, house work, mechanical pursuits, carpentry, sign language, etc.

Silly/Fun
Bouncing on the bed, tree climbing, jumping off the swings, handstands, cartwheels, geocaching, etc.

Martial Arts
Hand to hand, sword, knife throwing, axe throwing, Tai chi, etc.
Yeah, not to forget! But I’m in such a frozen state even light things sort of irk me out too… I guess this is something to work on. Right now I’m feeling like a hawk playing dead and picking if poked lol. Thanks for the reminder. Axe throwing quite speaks to my heart.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
It sounds like you should work on these things when you are feeling better. Make them a habit and then use them when you have your red flags. Hope you get some relief.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
How do you blow off steam / burn off energy before it builds up to explosive levels?

Whatever my baseline is, that’s tapping & managing my normal levels of stress? When life or symptoms are up ticking? I usually find I need to both increase my normal & add a few ‘as needed’ options to have on tap... as well as Tetris’ing things around to make better use / be responding better to what’s going on.

like instead of morning swim, work, home 3 hrs, gym, bed? Tetris my swim to right after work to blow off the stress & come home refreshed & happy... instead of exhausted/ cranky/ hanging on by the skin of my teeth. Meanwhile, the next morning I’ll probably up my game to bleed off more stress than I usually do. Either by doubling the time spent, or more often, switching things up a bit. Like rowing, or boxing, or whatever.
Kayaking against the current in tidal waters, to the beat of the Beachboys, sing loudly to it, not caring what bystanders would think until I'm tired, then turning around and slowing down, returning with the current. I'm tired, in a much better state of mind.....and then enjoy watching nature, more slowly ......this is huge for me.
 

grit

MyPTSD Pro
I have few thoughts to your post so I will ask few questions rather than providing my own take on things.

What exactly is happening? what is it you are targeting with your coping mechanisms at?
Is it possible to check your own self entitlement to believe that you must be perfect at all you are doing and make everybody satisfied with you or your work or tasks?
Is it possible to acknowledge the needs of your inner world whatever that is that only you have access to yourself rather than forcing suppression or ignoring which may be creating the fear/paranoia - as it appears to me from the distance?
Is it possible to ask yourself, what you do need REALLY need now that may soothe you and hold listen to the body/thought?
Is it possible to cultivate the adult parts in relation to the child parts and promise child parts - you will take care of them when you are not around people and have privacy?

Just wondering if there is a way to shorten the gulf between both of your hemispheres so you are attentive to all of you - rather than privileging one side over the other...

Ps. I will add when I am at this level of dsyregulating especially at work (cause at home I could not careless), I truly make my adult side that can soothe most children to go to work ...and hold me until I am off work...I am quite honest with myself in such I am victim as a child but as a survivor as an adult coming to my rescue often!
 
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