coraxxx
Policy Enforcement
Guess it’s quite a great classical here, but I’m really struggling a lot between being dysphoric, numb or anxious. It sort of rolls and responds mostly to inner triggers but the irritation has recently been quite over the roof, like stress. It’s very annoying because my brain snaps at something, mostly social triggers, decides to find it stupid or unbearable. I know what is acceptable or not from people, up to the point it starts to be visible that I’m pissed with them even if I know it isn’t their fault. Then they start to be uneasy around me, which stresses me even further.
I’m quite scared of exploding as I have a history of having lashed out. But this I think I have in hand and I just leave before it happens. It’s just the entire thing is very exhausting.
Also, that being irritated/angry is a coping mechanism against anxiety and I don’t know what to use instead. Either I become that fury that eats all the paperwork at once, either I mop back to dysphoria and avoidant anxiety, and it’s been flip-flopping like this since years.
Having gone through important DV recently + the corona crisis hasn’t helped the slightest in this. DV has worsened it a lot because of tension/release dynamic to which I became used to (cycles of 3 to 2 days towards the end) while my baseline is more of 3-6 months. I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense here. I’ve lost a lot of my irritated baseline during the DV relationship because it would have made things so much more explosive I basically deleted anger only to let it manifest in rage explosions that did respond to his lashing out and so and on…
But now it’s coming back, especially with work stressors. I just don’t want to end up scaring people around or yell at them for stupid reasons, yet I don’t want to keep grating myself to blood with all the small irritations and the slight paranoia. I hear someone laughing in the distance and it pisses me off (I used to think long long time ago it was against me, I’m realistic enough to know it has nothing to do with me, and feel pissed about that too).
Apart from isolating myself the most I can which I do, I don’t see what to do. I know only too well that oscillating between anger, tension building and methods of brutal release (not necessarily violence uh, can be getting whacked or anything) is actually addictive and will accelerate until a catastrophe. So I tend to sit through it and feel almost okay, then dysphoric, then the violent feeling of having to retreat back to my bed.
My medication combination has been quite good at managing the thing so far, plus a good deal of boundary setting (I’d call that more of a social fencing), but I’d be interested in methods of coping with this. It keeps coming back since I’m a child basically.
I’m quite scared of exploding as I have a history of having lashed out. But this I think I have in hand and I just leave before it happens. It’s just the entire thing is very exhausting.
Also, that being irritated/angry is a coping mechanism against anxiety and I don’t know what to use instead. Either I become that fury that eats all the paperwork at once, either I mop back to dysphoria and avoidant anxiety, and it’s been flip-flopping like this since years.
Having gone through important DV recently + the corona crisis hasn’t helped the slightest in this. DV has worsened it a lot because of tension/release dynamic to which I became used to (cycles of 3 to 2 days towards the end) while my baseline is more of 3-6 months. I don’t know if I’m making a lot of sense here. I’ve lost a lot of my irritated baseline during the DV relationship because it would have made things so much more explosive I basically deleted anger only to let it manifest in rage explosions that did respond to his lashing out and so and on…
But now it’s coming back, especially with work stressors. I just don’t want to end up scaring people around or yell at them for stupid reasons, yet I don’t want to keep grating myself to blood with all the small irritations and the slight paranoia. I hear someone laughing in the distance and it pisses me off (I used to think long long time ago it was against me, I’m realistic enough to know it has nothing to do with me, and feel pissed about that too).
Apart from isolating myself the most I can which I do, I don’t see what to do. I know only too well that oscillating between anger, tension building and methods of brutal release (not necessarily violence uh, can be getting whacked or anything) is actually addictive and will accelerate until a catastrophe. So I tend to sit through it and feel almost okay, then dysphoric, then the violent feeling of having to retreat back to my bed.
My medication combination has been quite good at managing the thing so far, plus a good deal of boundary setting (I’d call that more of a social fencing), but I’d be interested in methods of coping with this. It keeps coming back since I’m a child basically.