ED Eating disorder and seeking advice

K

kandy

My CPTSD and Secondary PTSD are extremely interwoven with my anorexia. Its crazy how disorders have tentacles that find their way into every nook and cranny of your life. I'll have nightmares, then restrict as long as i can, all the while drinking espresso to avoid sleep, then sip from a bottle of burbon on an empty stomach to make myself sleep (I'm 24, but have been drinking on and off since 16). I'll wake up feeling like crap, drink a cup of tea, nibble on the same piece of toast for 3 hours, eventually throwing it away with less than a quarter of it eaten, and then stare off into space for god knows how long. Then I fall asleep and the cycle restarts. I'm about 20lbs underweight, and at the second lowest weight I've ever been at. The worst part is, my family founded a nonprofit to help victims of ptsd and suicidal ideations, and here i am killing myself in silence. I feel so lost, and don't know if I can snap out of it this time....
 

Friday

Moderator
It’s a cyclic sonnuvabitch.

Starvation keeps your body in survival mode, which makes PTSD a zillion times worse; whilst at the same time crippling its energy levels so outward symptoms reduce, life becomes more manageable by slowly dying.

Fight to live? And experience a tsunami of those survival mode symptoms crashing in. So seek relief by starving them of the energy they need to manifest; a brain that can think, a heart that can feel, muscles with strength, blood that sings.

It’s a terrible choice to make.

I couldn’t have done it the first time, without every OTHER “bad” coping mechanism at my beck and call. Drugs, sex, thrill seeking, death wishy suicidal adventures.

What I learned that time, though?

All the horrible is temporary. IF AND ONLY IF I’m willing/able to experience pure pain/terror/rage/despair/regret/remorse? And I’m not talking the “sit with it” nonsense, but screaming until I have no voice, crying for days until my eyes are so swollen they can’t open and every breath is bloody, sleeping for weeks on end only waking long enough to pee and drink something wasting away in an entirely different way than my ED as there’s no control, pain/terror/rage/despair…. Get THROUGH that? And *poof*. Somehow, like magic, it all just lifts.

But, for me, anyway, it takes months. Of being utterly nonfunctional.

Or? <<<BIG FAT FAWKING OR>>> Using other coping mechanisms that are less lethal (than my nuclear coping mechanisms) to bridge the gap.

I have become a HUGE fan of moderation, for just that reason. As I’ve gone to both extremes, and they can kiss my ass.

As someone with anorexia? You will probably learn to LOVE the moderation route… as it’s ALL about control. 😎 Seeeeeerious control. Very living on the edge, just also not falling over it. It’s hard as hell, difficult as f*ck, and challenging as you can imagine. You will probably lapse into your ED a few dozen times before you master it, and even then? EDs exist separately from PTSD, so both will flare up from time to time. BUT? I’ve never in my life met another anorexic who is not a card carrying member of the Control Freaks Club 😉 So mastering the art of moderation & self control? Get ready for bliss down to your fingertips.

Speaking as someone with PTSD, trauma related food & eating issues, trauma related body issues, AND anorexia all playing instruments in this stupid symphony… You’re gonna loooooove the self control involved in strengthening your body whilst easing your pain. It’s just also gonna be an SOB to learn how to get to be where you need to be. But it’s fun to get to where you want to be.
 
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