ED ED overwhelming


Hey all! I've been having a resurgence of my disordered eating and ED thoughts, I think it's from the stress of moving, plus pandemic plus life. I've binged terribly a few days, restricted others, and my thought patterns entirely depend my happiness on becoming thinner. I also tend to binge when I have the worst of the thoughts bc haha, they can't get me to restrict if I BINGE. I don't know. There's something that I really want to do for myself, that requires some pre-planning, and could alleviate some of my suicidal thoughts, and I've flat out told myself repeatedly I don't deserve it til I'm thin.

It could cause weight gain so I'm very scared that I will gain more weight and be "more unworthy" and "a worse person" and "uglier" even more "not good enough". There's clothes in my size I'd like to buy, and honestly need because I don't have enough of them (like I have 3 pairs of shorts I wear and I'm moving somewhere much warmer), and I've told myself I can't get them til I'm thinner because otherwise it's a waste of money.

I've done more than advised workouts but I've also done none. Yesterday I did 3- walk 30 mins, yoga and kettlebells. I have an injury and have to be safe about what I do. Today fortunately I'm not hurting, but last night because of my ED thoughts around my weight I was so suicidal that I was looking stuff up I won't get into that but I was far gone. I'm going to try to distract myself today, I have a lot of schoolwork to do.

I don't know how to believe I have worth even though I'm fat (my friends keep telling me I'm not even THAT fat, which doesn't make me feel better, bc like what, if I was even fatter I'd be worth less? also I'm using fat here as a reclamation, and how people refer to themselves). I've been following fat people on my social feeds who I find beautiful and I thought that would help but I also have the same thoughts come up in my head-- my chronic pain is my fault because I'm fat, I'm not worth anything unless I'm also femme, I just am ugly. I just like...I don't know what to do.

I've never seen a therapist who specializes in EDs because I felt like my ED wasn't bad enough bc I went from fat to regular skinny and everyone praised me, even tho I was starving myself and if I ate above a certain number of calories I would self harm. I never was at a point I was sick though, I just was praised for finally being healthy, even if you could see my bones. Suddenly everyone gave me attention. I just don't know what to do. I'm drowning in these thoughts and idk how to stop them.