ED ED overwhelming

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Hey all! I've been having a resurgence of my disordered eating and ED thoughts, I think it's from the stress of moving, plus pandemic plus life. I've binged terribly a few days, restricted others, and my thought patterns entirely depend my happiness on becoming thinner. I also tend to binge when I have the worst of the thoughts bc haha, they can't get me to restrict if I BINGE. I don't know. There's something that I really want to do for myself, that requires some pre-planning, and could alleviate some of my suicidal thoughts, and I've flat out told myself repeatedly I don't deserve it til I'm thin.

It could cause weight gain so I'm very scared that I will gain more weight and be "more unworthy" and "a worse person" and "uglier" even more "not good enough". There's clothes in my size I'd like to buy, and honestly need because I don't have enough of them (like I have 3 pairs of shorts I wear and I'm moving somewhere much warmer), and I've told myself I can't get them til I'm thinner because otherwise it's a waste of money.

I've done more than advised workouts but I've also done none. Yesterday I did 3- walk 30 mins, yoga and kettlebells. I have an injury and have to be safe about what I do. Today fortunately I'm not hurting, but last night because of my ED thoughts around my weight I was so suicidal that I was looking stuff up I won't get into that but I was far gone. I'm going to try to distract myself today, I have a lot of schoolwork to do.

I don't know how to believe I have worth even though I'm fat (my friends keep telling me I'm not even THAT fat, which doesn't make me feel better, bc like what, if I was even fatter I'd be worth less? also I'm using fat here as a reclamation, and how people refer to themselves). I've been following fat people on my social feeds who I find beautiful and I thought that would help but I also have the same thoughts come up in my head-- my chronic pain is my fault because I'm fat, I'm not worth anything unless I'm also femme, I just am ugly. I just like...I don't know what to do.

I've never seen a therapist who specializes in EDs because I felt like my ED wasn't bad enough bc I went from fat to regular skinny and everyone praised me, even tho I was starving myself and if I ate above a certain number of calories I would self harm. I never was at a point I was sick though, I just was praised for finally being healthy, even if you could see my bones. Suddenly everyone gave me attention. I just don't know what to do. I'm drowning in these thoughts and idk how to stop them.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
it's totally consumed my thoughts now. I can't wear anything but baggy big clothes because I hate how my body feels against them because I gained weight when my chronic pain was bad. I started working out again and immediately my pain came back. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even discuss food right now. I feel like a horrible person when I binge. I feel like I'll never find love being this fat. I feel like nothing good will ever happen to me because of my weight.
 

bellbird

Sponsor
I want you to know that I understand what you have written on a personal level - I used to have EDs (anorexia and bulimia), and was at one point involuntarily-hospital-admission-BMI but wasn't admitted for ED at the time because treating my chronic suicidal ideation was the higher priority.
I've never seen a therapist who specializes in EDs because I felt like my ED wasn't bad enough
First piece of advice: do not wait until you think it is "bad enough" to do that.

Do it now.

It is going to be so much easier to fix the issue at this stage than when things are worse.

You recognise this is an issue.
You recognise this isn't healthy.

Why wait till things get worse, in order to seek help and make them better?

You are worth getting that help.
You are worth living your best life.
I don't deserve it til I'm thin.
This is your ED brain talking, and it is telling you lies.
Deserving good things has nothing to do with your BMI.

You've said the thing could help with suicidal ideation?
I know you've documented how much you have been struggling with SI recently.

Give yourself this chance.
The only one telling you you don't deserve it and that your self-worth is tied to your weight is yourself.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
First piece of advice: do not wait until you think it is "bad enough" to do that.

Do it now.
Thank you. I emailed one therapist but I'm going to keep searching for them if she doesn't get back to me sometime today. I was doing "better" in that I was ignoring it but now EVERYTHING it feels like in my life is out of my control and I'm just like, losing it. I want to control something so I can control food.

You've said the thing could help with suicidal ideation?
I know you've documented how much you have been struggling with SI recently.

Give yourself this chance.
The only one telling you you don't deserve it and that your self-worth is tied to your weight is yourself.
Logistically I may not be ready for it because of moving and displacement, on top of family stuff, but I'm working on the idea that I have to be skinnier to start when it can help. It takes 3 weeks to get into someone to start it and I most likely will be moving in like 4-8 weeks it'll just be bad timing (I keep telling myself). At this point tho if I were to start it and gain weight at the point I am in my head with weight I would absolutely hate myself moreso than I do now without it. So therapy first, if I can find it.
 

bellbird

Sponsor
I emailed one therapist but I'm going to keep searching for them if she doesn't get back to me sometime today.
Great stuff!
I want to control something so I can control food.
I understand, I've spoken these words myself many times in the past.

Are you able to recognise that the control we think we have over food is an illusion? When we have an ED, very quickly our drive/obsession/addiction to wanting to be thin actually takes control over us.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
@bellbird im not sure, it feels very real. But honestly I’m never able to control it so it’s probably a lie that I can. I actually did ok with my thoughts today which is good! I think my medication has finally kicked in too. I hope next week a therapist gets back to me!
 

jamesr83

New Here
I started working out again and immediately my pain came back.

Sorry to hear you've been having a really hard time with this :(

I think it's quite common to get injuries or pain sometimes when returning to a workout or exercise. Walking is great, so good you're doing that

I just wanted to suggest maybe looking into trigger points + foam roller + little ball to massage the sore parts. I feel like 80%+ of the time, this can help or eliminate pain a lot of us get from the gym and those sort of workouts. It might be that you just need to do it daily for a while, until the body gets used to the routine then you'll be ok with occasional rolling out

That's been my experience anyway, just thought I'd share in case it's helpful. There's always a solution I believe, especially if it's muscular pain
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
thank you @jamesr83 !! I have multiple pelvic injuries that are hard to deal with when exercising. I LOVE foam rollers and using a tennis ball to release my hips. I've been pushing past it for the most part.

I did start doing Hatha yoga at my friend's suggestion, just for 10-20 minutes in the morning and night and it hasn't caused soreness but I do feel stronger!

I feel less inclined to binge eat at least this weekend since my meds kicked in. I also felt less terrible about my body etc too, until today. Now I just feel gross again bc I didn't eat good this morning and I had something bad happen this morning. I'm trying to keep my head above it and distract myself I just hate this. The thoughts keep coming that the reason no one loves me is bc I'm fat etc. It's not true and I know it it's just hard to keep it at bay.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I will echo what @bellbird said. Find an ED therapist now. I've also been there and the grip an ED can have on you. How are your coping skills outside of the ED? You are going to the ED for a reason and it's going to be very hard to change the behaviors until you have healthy behaviors to take it's place.

It's important to remember that the ED lies. Things like I can't by clothes, I am not worthy, etc are lies. Try to think of what you would tell someone else and treat yourself that way.
 

Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
Find an ED therapist now.
I'm trying, I've emailed five people and only one got back to me and said she was booked, but gave me a name of someone else. I'll call soon maybe tomorrow it just got deprioritized when I was moving.
I've also been there and the grip an ED can have on you. How are your coping skills outside of the ED?
They're okay but they were kind of terrible for a bit there. I just feel like I'm floundering in general. I exercise and have a routine and all.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
Hey all! I've been having a resurgence of my disordered eating and ED thoughts, I think it's from the stress of moving, plus pandemic plus life. I've binged terribly a few days, restricted others, and my thought patterns entirely depend my happiness on becoming thinner. I also tend to binge when I have the worst of the thoughts bc haha, they can't get me to restrict if I BINGE. I don't know. There's something that I really want to do for myself, that requires some pre-planning, and could alleviate some of my suicidal thoughts, and I've flat out told myself repeatedly I don't deserve it til I'm thin.

It could cause weight gain so I'm very scared that I will gain more weight and be "more unworthy" and "a worse person" and "uglier" even more "not good enough". There's clothes in my size I'd like to buy, and honestly need because I don't have enough of them (like I have 3 pairs of shorts I wear and I'm moving somewhere much warmer), and I've told myself I can't get them til I'm thinner because otherwise it's a waste of money.

I've done more than advised workouts but I've also done none. Yesterday I did 3- walk 30 mins, yoga and kettlebells. I have an injury and have to be safe about what I do. Today fortunately I'm not hurting, but last night because of my ED thoughts around my weight I was so suicidal that I was looking stuff up I won't get into that but I was far gone. I'm going to try to distract myself today, I have a lot of schoolwork to do.

I don't know how to believe I have worth even though I'm fat (my friends keep telling me I'm not even THAT fat, which doesn't make me feel better, bc like what, if I was even fatter I'd be worth less? also I'm using fat here as a reclamation, and how people refer to themselves). I've been following fat people on my social feeds who I find beautiful and I thought that would help but I also have the same thoughts come up in my head-- my chronic pain is my fault because I'm fat, I'm not worth anything unless I'm also femme, I just am ugly. I just like...I don't know what to do.

I've never seen a therapist who specializes in EDs because I felt like my ED wasn't bad enough bc I went from fat to regular skinny and everyone praised me, even tho I was starving myself and if I ate above a certain number of calories I would self harm. I never was at a point I was sick though, I just was praised for finally being healthy, even if you could see my bones. Suddenly everyone gave me attention. I just don't know what to do. I'm drowning in these thoughts and idk how to stop them.
I hate that phrase "Not that fat" coming from someone wearing their tight jeans stuffing down a donut...But if you consider them a friend....it's probably the best response they can work up.....can't be easy supporting someone else's issues about weight....because most think...well, you fool....just stop eating and you'll lose weight. They haven't a clue about the dynamics of food/emotions.....

I once went to a doc who put me on a head med....and I gained 100lbs but I was feeling fine otherwise except now I had a case of fat created depression..........when I mentioned it to him....the meds caused me to be hungry all the time.....he said candidly...."well, you won't gain anymore weight if you just push away from the table".....I thought, "asshole." So I get the struggle.....sorry to hear you are feeling it right now.....make little goals (lose 2 lbs-not 5), then make a new "little goal" ???
 
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