BPD Embarrassed and not feeling good enough in therapy

goosegoose

Learning
It's been a while since I last posted on here, I hope everyone's been well!

Basically as the title says. And for context, this post is about my BPD. I have a pretty okay handle on my day to day, where I can at least recognize that I'm about to split and then take the necessary steps to try to redirect as best as I can. This would look like me taking space alone to use "S.T.O.P." or sit under my weighted blanket. Sometimes it's easy enough for me to just have a quick convo with myself like "okay is this person really doing XYZ on purpose?" or other similar questions.

But when I'm in session it's like my brain wants to act brand new. Redirecting techniques go basically nonexistent. It feels like the pressure of being in front of my therapist is so intense that I act in ways that I normally don't. It's really embarrassing and I understand it's a reflection of what's really going on for me, but it's getting to the point where I'm scared she's truly getting overwhelmed with me.

During my last session, she started asking me questions again about if I think our therapuetic relationship suffers because of my defensive anger (yes). And that she isn't there to play games or anything shady. I don't necessarily think she is, but I can't get past this angry block. I know this is more than likely me projecting this onto her but she has that "unflinching disappointed parent" look when things aren't going well and that's literally never been an insecurity of mine until meeting her.

She suggested using code words to try to help me slow down more in the moment, and I'm considering asking her to use a "Green, Yellow, Red" type of system since it's not complicated at all.

I'm just really embarrassed and need encouragement to show my dumb face next week. I keep having this memory of my last session of myself saying "you're not listening to me!" like a beligerant teenager and my therapist just stared at me and raised her eyebrows a little like "oh really?" and it keeps making me cringe at myself

Thanks for reading my mess and apologies as always if this has been discussed anywhere already

Goose 🦆
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
gentle empathy, goose. this has, indeed, been discussed many wheres already, but i still need review. how 'bout you? sometimes repeating myself and/or reading someone else's take in different words helps me get it through my dumb psychosis that i have choices, even while in episode.

but the review doesn't help me as much as making amends. my psychosis would have me run like a frightened toddler from anybody who has seen me in episode, but i heal a bit and grow a bit more confident each and every time i do what needs to be done to mend the relationship (make amends). often the person i end up mending is myself, especially within my therapy support network.

it's all part of the healing process. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

kudos on the green/yellow/red code words. simple, deeply ingrained and direct.
 

goosegoose

Learning
Ah, this is hard…sorry this is the way it panned out. How are you doing?
Thank you for asking. Pretty bad honestly. I just feel empty/numb/hopeless, I feel like a leech. I don't have a very strong support system and I'm trying not to feel like I'm hopeless or a waste of time. I didn't make hardly any progress in almost a year but I thought I was starting to get a hold of things
 

barefoot

Sponsor
I’d find this very tough too. You’re most definitely allowed to feel all sorts of feelings about this situation. But those feelings really don’t mean that you’re a waste of time. They really, really don’t.

I hope you’ll be able to take care and be gentle with yourself over the coming days. And I hope this horrible experience will ultimately lead to another support (therapist/whoever) who may be able to work better for you.
 

goosegoose

Learning
I’d find this very tough too. You’re most definitely allowed to feel all sorts of feelings about this situation. But those feelings really don’t mean that you’re a waste of time. They really, really don’t.

I hope you’ll be able to take care and be gentle with yourself over the coming days. And I hope this horrible experience will ultimately lead to another support (therapist/whoever) who may be able to work better for you.
I agree that I'm not a waste of time because of how I'm feeling but moreso because of my actions.

I'm really anxious because I'm meeting with someone on May 10th who I'm supposed to start doing EMDR and Brain spotting with. But it was gonna be me doing active work with both therapists at the same time and everyone was on the same page. I hope that makes sense, my brain feels like squished banana right now

I'm really scared that it'll be a bad first impression for this new EMDR therapist
 

barefoot

Sponsor
I’m sure the new EMDR therapist won’t judge you because things haven’t worked out with your other therapist. They shouldn’t anyway. Perhaps useful to discuss with new one whether now is the right time for you to start EMDR / to discuss and agree a plan going forwards now you don’t have the other therapy in the mix to run alongside the EMDR.

I hope you’re hanging in there and taking care of yourself this weekend.
 
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