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Embrace The Christmas Spirit; Or Not!

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Meli

Confident
Christmas, or any other religious holiday for that matter, does not have the same meaning for me as it does for others; I am an Atheist. I do not believe gods exist, and neither does my carer. We have had fights about our religious beliefs – or rather the lack thereof – regarding religious labels.

Atheist – one who believes that there is no deity (Merriam-Webster, 2010).

Agnostic – a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the NONEXISTENCE of God or a god (Merriam-Webster, 2010).

Protestant – a member of any of several church denominations denying the universal authority of the Pope and affirming the Reformation principles of justification by faith alone, the priesthood of all believers, and the primacy of the Bible as the only source of revealed truth; broadly: a Christian not of a Catholic or Eastern church (Merriam-Webster, 2010).

I’m sorry, but one person can’t be both Atheist and Agnostic at the same time. My carer claims to be Atheist first (by stating a complete lack of faith, and not by use of the actual word Atheist), but to use the term Agnostic when explaining his religious belief to others so as to not incite a debate with religious company. He is afraid of what the religious person will think, and does not want to go there. And believe me; I’m right there with him. Religious people tend to push their views on all of society; they are repulsed by the notion that someone denies their god, and their mission is to save the world from damnation. But my carer will fight with me fiercely about the two very different terms. I asked him “Do you believe in God”? He clearly said “No”. I commented “So, you’re an Atheist”, and you would have thought I’d called him a mother f*cker. “I am NOT an Atheist” he barks at me. He denies Atheism, yet claims he doesn’t believe in God at all. He tells me it’s just easier to say he’s Agnostic; then he doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone. By doing this he is seen as simply not knowing if God exists, lessening the chance of a passionate religious debate. It’s his way of not committing to a belief, which shows up in much of his life; this not being able to commit, one way or the other.

I was raised in a Protestant Christian home with a strong focus on missionary work within our church, where religion was forced on me by an abusive father. I’m sure that my upbringing and my resentment toward not having a choice regarding religion as a child have had a tremendous influence on my views of both religion and Christmas today. I won’t deny that. I am a product of my parents, whether I like it or not. My carer, on the other hand, insists that his parents had no influence whatsoever on whom he is today. I don’t see how that’s even possible. But to stay on point, my views of Christmas are merely to spoil our children and bring families together. America has turned Christmas into a social gathering where children expect to be rewarded. How many children actually focus on the birth of Christ? As evidence, the most popular focus is on Santa Clause; a 19th century real live man (Saint Nicholas) who was very charitable during the religious season. That fact alone (Santa’s popularity) is extremely hard for anyone to deny. Let me be very clear; “I am NOT anti-Christmas, nor am I anti-religion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the beliefs of others, no matter what belief system they advocate; be it Christianity, Islam, the Native American Church, Wicca, or any other doctrine that you can think of. I am also open to religious knowledge, so that I can be fully informed and confident in my decision to be Atheist.

Right out the gate, Christmas leads me to think about religion, and religion leads me to think about my father. My carer and I come from two different worlds. I’m disgusted by the memory of my father beating me, verbally destroying me, and then sitting in a pew in church with his arm around my bruised shoulders like a model loving Christian father. I was raised in a very strict religious environment, where prayer was said before every meal and every aspect of our lives was formed around religion. The hypocrisy of my father’s actions seriously turned me away from religion. Here is a man following God’s rules, which are telling him to beat the sh*t out of me in private, and then lie about it in public by pretending to have a loving relationship with his children. Add to that negative stressor that I get at Christmas time, due to the hypocrisy, that my father has an anxiety disorder. Any holiday sends him into a depression and/or rage. Growing up, every holiday was spent walking on eggshells. Furthermore, it was very obvious at Christmas time that our family was split right down the middle; and still is. I just told my mom today that in spite of the fact that my parents are still married, I live the life a child from a broken home. She agreed 100%. My two half sisters are my father’s whole world, while my brother and I are merely unfortunate disappointments; my mother’s children.

My carer and I have a child each; mine is 19, and his is 12. Literally within the first week that my carer and I got together, he made the statement “My daughter comes first, and most women don’t understand that”. There is a plethora of underwritten beliefs, opinions, and assumptions in that short statement. It is, hands down, the core of my fears as a family and a belief that my own father holds. Why would anyone feel it necessary to make that statement in the first week of a relationship for no other reason than to throw it out there? I have to say that he was generalizing relationships in his past, and placing blame on women for those relationships failing due to a conflict in the roles of partner versus child; each one’s importance as it pertains to my carer’s loyalty. That should have been a huge red flag for me, but I was blind. That statement also says to me that my carer expected me to compete with his daughter, and would look for evidence of it. But in the first 8 months or so, his daughter and I built a wonderful and loving relationship. I was then chastised for taking her places and spending money on her. It is true that she is a spoiled and entitled child; both of her parents share that opinion; but the few things I was giving her were far from the root of spoiling her. I’ll explain;

Our second Christmas together, because our first occurred only two months after beginning this relationship, was a disaster. I didn’t have the money to spoil anyone, much less my own son. My carer did his Christmas shopping without telling me, and made no mention of buying the kid’s gifts together. I didn’t personally mention shopping together; first, out of displacement because I didn’t feel that I was established in a role appropriate to making family decisions yet; second, out of poverty because I didn’t personally have the money to shop yet, and didn’t want to ask him to pay for my son’s gifts; third, out of fear that somehow I’d be crossing a boundary and he would judge me for that; and lastly, we had been months into what is now our current battle and unhealthy habits, and I was extremely depressed, therefore having no desire to be in public (i.e. the mall). While I was desperately trying to find where I belong in this family, I was thinking “What if he doesn’t even WANT to shop together”? Full blown PTSD when I had no clue what PTSD was. It was completely irrational AND paranoid to think that asking to shop together could become devastating. Come Christmas Eve, my carer asked me to help him wrap the gifts he had bought. I am in no way exaggerating this next statement; together, we wrapped 60 gifts for his daughter alone, they covered the entire bed in a multi level pile. My son opened 3 gifts from me that year and received a 100$ gift card from my carer. I also gave my carer’s daughter 3 gifts, and on top of all that she received 300$ cash from my carer’s extended family.

I was so utterly affected by how drastically the scales had been tipped in his daughter’s favor, that, to this day, Christmas is a monster of a trigger. I felt deep sorrow and embarrassment on my son’s behalf. I know he’s not materialistic; he never has been because he grew up extremely poor; but to see all of the gifts under the tree for my carer’s daughter had to be awkward at the very least for him. It made us both feel like guests in what was supposed to be our own home and family. It made me feel as though his daughter was on a pedestal far above my son and me. I personally felt like I had let my son down somehow. I took the blame and placed it on myself for showing more love to my carer’s daughter than for my own son on Christmas day; when I didn’t even buy all those presents for her. Full blown PTSD again. Given my history of abuse and neglect, and the dysfunctional split of my childhood family, there is no question as to why that second Christmas here affected me the way it did. I am in no way saying that I’m justified for feeling that way, or reacting badly. What I AM saying is that it happened, I am aware of it, there were things I could have done to avoid it, and now I carry yet another trigger because I had no way of avoiding it at the time. I didn’t know that what I was thinking and doing were symptoms, but I do now…. too late, the trigger’s here, and it’s fairly fresh still!

This year I made a mistake based on that trigger before I could catch myself. In my opinion it was minor, but it set off a series of events that my carer is concerned with now, and is proceeding to blame me personally for. He was looking at store ads in the paper, and I asked him “Are we going to shop together, and spend the same amount on both kids this year”? He gave me a look, and I felt as though he wanted me to explain. So, I said “We’re not going to buy a bunch of stuff for your daughter, and not for my son, are we”? And there it is; and unintentional slam. I understand; I really do. He had mentioned a 400$ limit for this year, and I was compelled to make sure that meant 200$ for each kid. Damnit, if I didn’t want to instantly retract those two questions. I knew when I heard myself saying them, that I was doing the wrong thing. Good intentions, but absolutely the wrong way to go about it. I tried feverishly to fix what I had done; explaining that I just wanted confirmation and clarity, not that I assumed we’d repeat our second Christmas.

During our shopping endeavor, I was adding up the prices of the gifts in my head. My mind was truly set on the monetary limit, NOT who was getting what. I swear to that! We have financial troubles right now, and I am concerned about them. My carer mentioned in the car that he was displeased with the quality of a gift he had already purchased for his daughter. He insinuated that he didn’t want to give it to her after all, but he had spent 100$ on it. He also insinuated that he wanted to replace it, and go over the monetary limit. So, I asked if that’s what he meant, and he started to blow. He accused me of being controlling, and jealous of what he does for his daughter. I managed to squash that one pretty quickly by talking about the specifications of the gift matter of factly. I did not play into the emotional aspect of it, and I did not acknowledge his accusations.

While in the mall, my carer was considering an expensive gift for his daughter. I had already picked out 200$ worth of merchandise for my son, so we were done with his gifts. My carer had suggested more gifts for my son, but I declined saying that he was at his limit in price. I was still simply trying to help budget our Christmas per his wishes. When I looked at the price tag hanging from a name brand and embroidered sweatshirt hoody, I said “She would really love this, and it would certainly make up for the gift you’re unhappy with, but it would bring her to her monetary limit”. The man saw red, and proceeded to tear me up right there in the mall. He told me that he would buy his daughter anything he damn well pleased. What did I do wrong here? I still can’t figure it out. We left the store immediately, and he was still going on about how I was somehow attacking his daughter, trying to ruin her Christmas by being jealous, accusing him of something, and just plain being controlling. I’m sorry, but NO I WASN’T!! Do you think he believes that…. no, still doesn’t. I couldn’t let him do this to me right in the middle of the damned mall, so I raised my voice and said “EF, were in the mall, stop it, you’re embarrassing us both”!!!! I couldn’t believe it; that’s not like him. I think he now has a Christmas trigger because of my influence in the matter. That can’t be a good thing for us!!

Maybe part of the need for confirmation and clarity is just me, but a bigger part of it IS the disorder. I can tell you with perfect retrospect that in the moment I asked those questions concerning the monetary limits, and how the money would be distributed, I WAS doubting myself. I was afraid that I had placed trust in the situation when I shouldn’t have; I was afraid I had misinterpreted his intent concerning our unspoken Christmas plans; and I was afraid I had not represented my own desires effectively. Me, me, me… I did not intend to accuse him of anything. I am in no way saying that I should not be held accountable for making that mistake because I SHOULD, but only in the context of “I did it”, not that I had an agenda to cause conflict, or that I was personally being negative or hurtful. My personality did NOT ask him those questions, my disorder did. And when I made the comments about his daughter’s gifts and monetary limit, it was not PTSD at ALL. That one was normal healthy confidence and security. I honestly thought that I could discuss those issues with him safely. Boy, was I wrong! He is accusing me of looking for a fight, accusing HIM of something, denying my responsibility to my actions and playing the PTSD card, and then demanding that he abide by my wishes (controlling him). It IS my disorder, and my responsibility, but why am not getting any credit for managing it? I tried to reverse the mistake that I made, and I was successful in feeling secure in the mall. Those are pretty big milestones for me.

Yesterday I read the articles here for 6 hours. I was looking for resources to explain my symptoms to my carer. I found 3 articles so far that are relevant to this specific situation in some way, although I have not found definitive answers. All 3 are written by Anthony, and are titled;

“Set-backs During Recovery”
“Criteria For Healing Trauma”
“PTSD Timeline To Recovery”

We all know that recovery from ANYTHING will inevitably consist of a multitude of set-backs. I get that, and I do not crucify myself anymore for slipping up. I simply learn from it and try to apply a solution in future experiences. I can guarantee that I WILL slip up again, but I can also guarantee that I will most likely catch it, and take steps to reverse it again. Square one is a place that is centered on my map. From there, I can navigate to any other place in my life safely. I know where I’ve been, and I’m not afraid to be there again because being there doesn’t make me feel lost anymore. I know that I can punch the words “happiness” or “rationality” into my mind’s GPS, and I will get there. I might hit a Starbuck’s on the way (take a time out), lengthening my travel time, but who doesn’t do that, PTSD or not?

I sound angry, don’t I? I don’t mean to come off that way. We’ll call it passion.

Anthony listed 7 criteria taken from a doctor’s research to be applied to the assessment of whether or not a person has “gotten over” their trauma. I hate that phrase, but I’ll use it here to make a point; we never “get over it”, and it takes a long *ss time to even understand what’s going on with us. Regarding my trauma, I found that I have not whooped it’s *ss like I thought, according to this list. And it’s not my only trauma; there are 5 more to go. Although, I can tell you the story without physical symptoms (at least minimal), visit the place where it occurred without freaking out, and have abolished all guilt placed on myself because of it; my self-worth is in the toilet, my relationships are a mess, and I am not socially functional. The social anxiety is still running ramped, and I’m still very active in my identity crisis. Who am I? What am I, as my carer so delicately and sensitively put it? I just don’t know what is me, and what is PTSD. How can someone else know that for me? You can’t know who a person really is unless they tell you (credit to IntoTheLight for saying that first). You’d be claiming to literally be inside of their head if you believe that you know better who THEY are. And you’d also be calling them a liar, if you disagree with what they’re telling you about themselves. Hence, the passion you are witnessing in my post that is bordering on anger. HE’S going to tell ME what I think or why I did something? Let me give you a Charles J. Jones quote (my father) to pound home why this is so upsetting; “Meli, you don’t really think that”…. over and over and over again. “Well, YES I do think that, Dad! F*ck You”!

Deep breath, smelly candle, happy place…… my carer isn’t doing it on purpose; he really doesn’t understand……

A recovery timeline is so individualized, and dependant on environment and support that in some cases, it can endure a lifetime. Anthony’s timeline to a manageable state was 3 years, according to his article. But that’s not to say that you can definitively expect me to be where he is 2 years from now. I am not getting the support at home that I need. I have had a lapse in professional help. In fact, when I tried to call and make an appointment with a new place last week… holy sh*t did I get triggered. My mom is now taking care of setting up that appointment FOR me because my carer refuses to help me do it. He says that I NEED to do it for myself, and that he’s not holding my hand regarding these issues ANY more. Thank Thor for moms, huh? (That’s an Atheist joke, lol) He’s taking a Gestapo stance on my entire recovery to be done his way entirely because I’m mentally handicapped with PTSD and don’t know what’s good for me. He’s also accusing me of self-therapy and of being ignorant to my own symptoms; all of them. Like I don’t know what would make me feel better, and everything I disagree with is just the PTSD talking. Do I feel alone now, more than before? Oh, f*ck yes! Am I afraid to tell him what’s going on inside of me? Yes, again; in a big way. Again, I want to be very clear on this; my carer IS saying and writing these things to me, but I AM responsible for how I feel about his words.

Well, I’m sorry, but I feel very bad about my carer’s words and his attitude right now. I AM having a major set-back! We have a discussion planned for 7 this evening, and I’m terrified. I implemented a structured discussion policy weeks ago because I got sick and tired of the damned dysfunction in our communication. I NEED to be able to tell him what goes on inside of me. And he needs to be able to do the same regarding his own emotions. The guidelines for my structured discussion policy are as follows; Permission for any discussion lasting more than 10 minutes must be obtained from both parties. Whoever asks for the discussion picks the topic, and we stay on point throughout the discussion. If other issues arise, we acknowledge the issues, and we plan a separate discussion for them. The first time either one of us raises our voice, uses ultimatums, or makes threats… the discussion is over… period… no last words. We avoid using “you” statements, and talk solely from our own individual point of view.

It sounds like I’m yelling those guidelines, and maybe I am, but I feel it is necessary to draw the line and enforce it. We are both destroying this relationship, when we could be building a lifetime. I love my carer, and he loves me…. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

~Meli

I apologize for the tone and length of my post. It’s an awful long entry just to say “Merry Christmas to all; and I won’t be joining you in your celebrations”. That doesn’t mean you all can’t be happy about it.

Did I mention that there is a trauma trigger associated with Christmas as well? I spent Christmas, 1988, in the clutches of a sex offender. The same goes for my birthday and Thanksgiving. However slight it may be, that trigger just adds to the problem here. My bucket is full!

References to definitions:
Atheist, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/atheist

Agnostic, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/agnostic

Protestant, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/protestant
 
I don’t like to post on your posts Meli… I really wanted us to have anonymity on here so we could be safe getting help and not sounding like we are arguing. You’ve ‘out-ed’ me a couple times against those wishes. So since this is the relationship area I guess we can have two sides aired. The frustration of a Carer and the thoughts of a Sufferer… If you want to carry out your threat to have me kicked off here for posting w/o your permission, then so be it.

Your post really upsets me. It’s full of anger and misrepresentations about the events you portrayed. When you do this I feel you are either going for support – ie: playing for sympathy (being the victim) or maybe just so focused on negative that you miss the good. It’s how you think that worries me because you’ve been doing it for 25 years and now it is so ingrained in your personality to gather support in that way. It has to stop. That is my hard line. For my mental health and yours!

I hate seeing a post like this because you know it absolutely makes me defensive and tears away my ability to be supportive or in a relationship with you!

Meli, I remember how I was forced to pick one belief & we were not going to be a couple anymore if I didn’t choose atheist! That’s why it was a fight. It was nearing Christmas, You had just returned home after you ran off with an anti-social, near satanistic narcissist whom only uses woman for his sexual needs. Much like the abusers in your past, but to this day you still view him on a pedestal for some reason I can’t understand. I don’t know what he did to you, but religion or beliefs are personal and were never an issue before with you.

So it wasn’t a fight about religion rather you forcing what you did on me… and this is not isolated to religion. You can’t keep doing that to people and expect help or support from them. We have limits! That is your behavior and I truly am trying to figure out whether it is PTSD or just you…

We shouldn’t care what anyone’s beliefs are… mine are simply I can’t prove it one way or the other. No one can. Not you and not the Pope. Why does it have to be a fight????

Christmas’s with Meli –

Year one – been together two months. Absolutely in love with you already! Waited 20 years for a date and then a few more weeks to kiss you, didn’t care that you had to have major dental work that took away your smile. You were going through hell, loosing your home, working, lost your critters, and your camera broke. I still was smitten with you. Knowing you loved to take photos I wanted you to smile again. So I got you a $600 digital SLR Canon rebel camera. Money didn’t matter, never has… gifts have to have meaning to me. I didn’t spend nearly that on my daughter or your son. Of which, your son didn’t want to come over… I understand, we were only dating a couple months. Still got him a gift card though, it’s Christmas. It was also a bad day, you know why… your PTSD put you in a bad place + add in the stress of wanting an instant loving family that was being resisted by me and your son. You lost control of your emotions…

Year two, you didn’t want to move in with me because we weren’t married. So you stayed in your dad’s rental home in the hood. Your son was still a stranger to me, he did not come around and was mad at you for taking him from his home. I did get my daughter a lot of stuff that year as I always had, spoiled you too! Because your son was never really around I asked you what you wanted to get him. You said a gift card to Gamestop would be good. Got him $100 one to replace his PSP that was stolen. Your son wasn’t around to see my daughter open presents because he wanted to be elsewhere… you were not happy. We know why now… but it wasn’t me, the kids, or the gifts that caused it.

Year Three (you skipped this), You had just returned home after running off with that guy for a couple months. Our relationship was starting over, and in spite of everything I still loved you as much as ever. We talked about shopping for the kids together that year because I learned it was important to you. So we did, decided to not get much for ourselves. I bought your son a $300 shotgun. It was a good gift, the right one because he had been so upset when he couldn’t go deer hunting due to not having one that year. Money never mattered. I didn’t spend as much on my daughter. You also bought you son a bunch of gifts and didn’t get my daughter anything that I can recall. Your son made out and no one really cared. Everyone was happy for once! My daughter didn’t care, I really didn’t get anything but I was happy to have my family together again, and you were sort of happy too. It was probably our best Christmas.

I feel the negative view you’ve taken in your post or our lives is not based on a monetary number. You’ve omit important facts… you can’t do that. It paints images that are not true and you come to believe in them over time. I don’t know if that is a symptom of PTSD either. Just how you were raised… I’m sorry your Dad was a prick but I didn’t do that to you!

Now to this year – Medical Bills have made things tough and your son just wrecked my truck. You hit me with money being equal for both kids right off the bat. Was being very worried that it was going to be that way and I was irritated. I am fairly sure that this is from not wanting your son to feel ‘cheated’ like you were by your dad with your sisters and not from PTSD. Christmas isn’t about money to me and the evidence is there. So for the 1st three Christmas’s together you, my daughter, and your son all have came out on top once. I never have nor do I expect too. I just want to see people happy. So I do what I do…

Being concerned with money is not you Meli, you clearly stated that to me the other day in an email. You also choose to smoke $400/month in cigarettes, have me pay your bills, and you don’t want to work and haven’t in 2 ½ years. I am financially responsible for the home. Your son probably would feel guilty about any gift this year as well. You gave him good morals. He totaled my truck and doesn’t have the means to pay for it, he feels bad. He also knows I loose $3500 a year by letting him live in my rental apartment. Between me and your son, we’re good! Why worry about it so dang much? It is not you and your sisters being divided by your father. It’s our family being divided by your mistrust.

Did you also recall that you also wanted to go on another vacation after just returning from one a few weeks earlier three weeks ago? You asked for/expected $200 for the week as spending money. So I am hesitant to believe you are worried about money as the reason for the questioning about how much was spent on each kid. The evidence isn’t there. Please don’t sell that to others either, I feel like it is to muster up support for being subjected to perceived cruelty… it’s what I have mentioned when I say you are playing the victim. But I will say that I feel it’s hard to hear and may seem mean, but you need to know when you do this.

I didn’t flip out at the mall either. I got very irritated and was short with my words. We were already well over your sons $200 by the way… and me still asking to get more for him and saying it’s OK to go over didn’t mean anything? Said I just want to get the right gifts for them so it should have been over. We are not financially in trouble either. I am good with money, have a good job. I am just trying to keep us on a budget so we are always OK…

So I can’t see this as being about money, I see it as you being mad at your Dad for loving his two other daughters more than you… I’m sorry. He’s a piece of crap. It’s engrained in you to look for disparity when it’s family or love or your son, etc... You have to be responsible for this and change it. It’s not PTSD!

Please stop looking for things that will go wrong, waiting for them and saying ah ha! I knew it. Please stop!!!!

I try very hard but you need to do some things for yourself. It is not me being a Gestapo. Projecting that you will be wronged and then looking for signs is setting anyone up to fail! I am at my limit! I love you but it has to stop or I will no longer be able to care for you!

I have been there for you for 3 years… for a PTSD relationship with a sexually abused woman I think I’ve done and given a ton for us to still even say we love each other! But I’m tired and the old ways just don’t work anymore. I am learning on here as well as reading books. One thing I hear a lot is maybe I just need to let you go… for my health and yours.

I don’t want to ever let you go… but you have to want it too Cornbread.
 
You both love eachother very much. I'm not going to offer any major opinions on this as I don't feel it is my place. What I am going to say is you two need to sit and talk. Take a day apart and email each other. This way each side gets to finish before the other starts. It is not fair to either of you to push things that one or both of you may feel personal about into the public eye. That for many people can be it's own form of violation. Before either of you get into trouble from the mods please talk to each other. Try to remember why you feel in love in the first place.
 
Whew, I'm not going to respond to my carer directly because I feel it would be inappropriate. I'm having an anxiety attack, so please keep that in mind. I can do this though, because the attack is not something new, and I am learning to cope with them. I will focus on my accountability here, and try to correct my mistakes.

That being said, I will reiterate the advice that I've received from mods concerning this very thing. But first, I will say this; I, myself, responded to my carer's initial post when he joined in November. I shouldn't have done that. I feel as though I've been attacked here today, as I'm sure my carer does also, in a place that is supposed to be safe. Moving forward, I DID defend myself a bit in my initial response to him back in November, using "I" terms though, but I will apologize again to him for doing that none the less. I'm sorry EF. Likewise, I DID "out" him as being my carer WITHOUT his permission. Again, I'm sincerely sorry, EF.

I asked the mods about our situation (sufferer and carer both being on here) because after I replied to his post in November, I felt like I had done something wrong. I now believe that I was NOT wrong for posting, and NEITHER is he today, but that there are some very important guidelines to remember in doing so. The mods have told me that the purpose of this site is to seek support and information from other sufferers, as well as for carers to have access to the same thing. It is of the utmost importance for everyone to feel comfortable in posting honestly. At no time, are we to argue about anything, and it is inappropriate to write "your wrong" in any form as well.

These entries contain our secrets, our problems, our victories, our sorrow, our dysfunctions, our tears, our fears, our symptoms, our anger, our experiences, our set-backs, our families, our relationships, our sex habits, our mistakes, our humiliation, our guilt...... our lives, as personal as you could ever imagine in the whole scheme of being honest with both ourselves and our families. It MUST remain safe for all of us, carers included, to post these things here on this site. Anything that strays from that guideline is inappropriate... period.

So hard not to go on and on....

So here are my corrections to MY own words, not his;

It does not matter what religious beliefs anyone has. I will not base any relationship on religion. I am retracting my statements regarding my carer and Atheism, and only leaving the statements concerning myself; "I am an Atheist, therefore do not hold any sentiment toward Christmas other than the gathering of family". That is all I needed to say. I'm sorry.

I am retracting my statement about my carer's parents influence on him. I cannot make that conclusion definitively that his parents influenced who he is today. That is not my place, I'm sorry EF.

The paragraph in my post beginning with "My carer and I have a child each..." is my personal account of a symptom that I am now aware of. I will reword it, in short, to express solely my emotion on the matter. I'm sorry I used "you" phrases; that was inappropriate to the forum as well as the integrity of my post. It is solely my opinion that the statement my carer made had underwritten expectations and warnings; I may be wrong about that, but I can't help feeling that way. I cannot assume that he was generalizing relationships by making the statement, that was wrong of me to say. The statement does still affect me; whether it should or not has yet to be determined. Words like that stick. The rest, regarding my emotions in that paragraph, stands.

I will reiterate my accountability in the problems we faced during this year's Christmas shopping. I made mistakes, and if I wasn't clear then, I will apologize again. I'm sorry I asked the questions about how we would shop for the kid's, EF; sincerely. I wish I could take them back. That was my mistake driven by emotional symptoms; fear and doubt; that I am responsible for. I'm reversing that now. My statements about what I was thinking (my monetary concerns) still stand. I am not wrong about what I thought.

I WAS triggered badly by our second Christmas. That account was solely intended to explain what Christmas is like for me now. I did not intend to relay a one sided account, and will acknowledge now that we did have a good Christmas last year. Our second Christmas occured long before I knew what PTSD was, and that written account is an example of what "I" can do to avoid my symptoms during the holidays now. I did everything wrong during our second Christmas. Although I did it incorrectly this year, I did still address my fears about the gifts, unlike what I did before our second Christmas. I consider that progress. Regarding my father's influence on Christmas, prolonged physical child abuse is a form of trauma worthy of a cause to PTSD, according to the DSM IV. Christmas is a trigger that causes me to be reminded of my child abuse, I can't help that, but I am trying to manage it. My feelings about Christmas are symptoms of the unhealthy thinking that is caused by PTSD. Maybe next year I will get it perfect, and not cause any pain for anyone. I'm sorry.

I want to state my awareness that I believe I have created a Christmas trigger for my carer. I'm sorry for that too, sincerely. I understand why he becomes "on guard" regarding the holidays. I feel bad because my father did it to me too. I wish I could undo that.

Lastly, and again.... I apologize for the length of my posts. I would like to reword another section of my own post. The paragraph begins with "A recovery time is so individualized...". Really, only one sentence needs reworded. I will retract the term "Gestapo" completely, but the rest will stand. I apologize for calling my carer a name; that was just mean of me. Reworded; I feel that my carer is being excessively hard on me, and expecting far too much for the level of professional help I have received. That is solely my opinion.

I have tried to generalize my statements in this particular post, as to not directly address my carer other than my apologies to him. Anything that sounds like I'm talking to him directly is a misperception, although I would appreciation it if you choose to make me aware of it.

I'm so sorry I started this thread..... I am apologizing to both members and mods for my mistakes. This thread is "awaiting moderation before being displayed publicly" for obvious reasons. Should our mods decide to go ahead and display it again, I can only hope that future readers can glean valuable information from my mistakes here.

In closing, I'd like to thank our mods for doing a fine job of keeping me in check.
~Meli
 
I have moved this from the carer forum into the PTSD relationship forum, as this is from a PTSD sufferer, not a carer. I have also approved it again as I see no issue with the conversation, nor the "other side of the fence" responding, being the partner, which has just a valid opinion as the sufferer on the actual events, feelings, etc.
 
I see a struggle we all face in communication. It is hard enough in the best of circumstances, but PTSD does increase this difficulty. But, it can be done. It just takes time and a lot of hard work.

What I see here is two people trying. I've been here with my own husband. Some of this is so familiar I could have written it. But, we did work through it and it has strengthened our relationship as a couple.

If everyone keeps working, does not give up hope, and keeps the long term goal in sight, it can happen. There can be wonderful relationships/marriages in spite of PTSD. We see too many fail here. We need to see more of what works.

Wishing you both peace.

Debbie
 
I implemented a structured discussion policy weeks ago because I got sick and tired of the damned dysfunction in our communication. I NEED to be able to tell him what goes on inside of me. And he needs to be able to do the same regarding his own emotions. The guidelines for my structured discussion policy are as follows; Permission for any discussion lasting more than 10 minutes must be obtained from both parties. Whoever asks for the discussion picks the topic, and we stay on point throughout the discussion. If other issues arise, we acknowledge the issues, and we plan a separate discussion for them

Sound ideas I think that implementing this and sticking to it would be good for the both of you
Wish you both all the best
Take care
LB
 
My advice from just recently experiencing a similar situation........I would suggest trying to email each other first rather than posting something on a public forum, which once posted, becomes the property of the forum and remains there for the www to see. It might feel ok in the heat of the situation but hopefully you will work through and resolve your issues and for some, coming back seeing something written in the heat of an argument can bring back those memories. An email you can delete or a private vent to a friend, fellow member can help you achieve the outlet required without hanging out your 'dirty laundry' for all to see.

That's just my opinion as while there is the saying 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me'; I believe some words can cut deeper wounds than a knife.

I wish you both well; just sharing my view.
 
He says he's done caring; that he can't find anything to give him reason to continue loving me... over and over and over again. Then he wraps his arm around me as he climbs into bed. I'm so f*cking confused!

Going out of my mind.....
~Meli
 
You are worth being loved . . . you struggling to get better in my opinion is reason enough. . .you are a fighter and i think your an amazing lady . . . . . Sarah.
 
My advice to you both (Meli and EF), would be to take this discussion up, in private, away from this forum. If you need individual support, which I suspect you both do, then I would recommend that you post in PTSD only, and carer only, respectively. I actually admire you both for being able to discuss your feelings about each other so publicly, but I also have concerns that by doing so you may hurt each other. This is just my personal opinion (nothing to do with being a moderator), which you can take or leave.
 
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