Christmas, or any other religious holiday for that matter, does not have the same meaning for me as it does for others; I am an Atheist. I do not believe gods exist, and neither does my carer. We have had fights about our religious beliefs – or rather the lack thereof – regarding religious labels.
Atheist – one who believes that there is no deity (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
Agnostic – a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the NONEXISTENCE of God or a god (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
Protestant – a member of any of several church denominations denying the universal authority of the Pope and affirming the Reformation principles of justification by faith alone, the priesthood of all believers, and the primacy of the Bible as the only source of revealed truth; broadly: a Christian not of a Catholic or Eastern church (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
I’m sorry, but one person can’t be both Atheist and Agnostic at the same time. My carer claims to be Atheist first (by stating a complete lack of faith, and not by use of the actual word Atheist), but to use the term Agnostic when explaining his religious belief to others so as to not incite a debate with religious company. He is afraid of what the religious person will think, and does not want to go there. And believe me; I’m right there with him. Religious people tend to push their views on all of society; they are repulsed by the notion that someone denies their god, and their mission is to save the world from damnation. But my carer will fight with me fiercely about the two very different terms. I asked him “Do you believe in God”? He clearly said “No”. I commented “So, you’re an Atheist”, and you would have thought I’d called him a mother f*cker. “I am NOT an Atheist” he barks at me. He denies Atheism, yet claims he doesn’t believe in God at all. He tells me it’s just easier to say he’s Agnostic; then he doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone. By doing this he is seen as simply not knowing if God exists, lessening the chance of a passionate religious debate. It’s his way of not committing to a belief, which shows up in much of his life; this not being able to commit, one way or the other.
I was raised in a Protestant Christian home with a strong focus on missionary work within our church, where religion was forced on me by an abusive father. I’m sure that my upbringing and my resentment toward not having a choice regarding religion as a child have had a tremendous influence on my views of both religion and Christmas today. I won’t deny that. I am a product of my parents, whether I like it or not. My carer, on the other hand, insists that his parents had no influence whatsoever on whom he is today. I don’t see how that’s even possible. But to stay on point, my views of Christmas are merely to spoil our children and bring families together. America has turned Christmas into a social gathering where children expect to be rewarded. How many children actually focus on the birth of Christ? As evidence, the most popular focus is on Santa Clause; a 19th century real live man (Saint Nicholas) who was very charitable during the religious season. That fact alone (Santa’s popularity) is extremely hard for anyone to deny. Let me be very clear; “I am NOT anti-Christmas, nor am I anti-religion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the beliefs of others, no matter what belief system they advocate; be it Christianity, Islam, the Native American Church, Wicca, or any other doctrine that you can think of. I am also open to religious knowledge, so that I can be fully informed and confident in my decision to be Atheist.
Right out the gate, Christmas leads me to think about religion, and religion leads me to think about my father. My carer and I come from two different worlds. I’m disgusted by the memory of my father beating me, verbally destroying me, and then sitting in a pew in church with his arm around my bruised shoulders like a model loving Christian father. I was raised in a very strict religious environment, where prayer was said before every meal and every aspect of our lives was formed around religion. The hypocrisy of my father’s actions seriously turned me away from religion. Here is a man following God’s rules, which are telling him to beat the sh*t out of me in private, and then lie about it in public by pretending to have a loving relationship with his children. Add to that negative stressor that I get at Christmas time, due to the hypocrisy, that my father has an anxiety disorder. Any holiday sends him into a depression and/or rage. Growing up, every holiday was spent walking on eggshells. Furthermore, it was very obvious at Christmas time that our family was split right down the middle; and still is. I just told my mom today that in spite of the fact that my parents are still married, I live the life a child from a broken home. She agreed 100%. My two half sisters are my father’s whole world, while my brother and I are merely unfortunate disappointments; my mother’s children.
My carer and I have a child each; mine is 19, and his is 12. Literally within the first week that my carer and I got together, he made the statement “My daughter comes first, and most women don’t understand that”. There is a plethora of underwritten beliefs, opinions, and assumptions in that short statement. It is, hands down, the core of my fears as a family and a belief that my own father holds. Why would anyone feel it necessary to make that statement in the first week of a relationship for no other reason than to throw it out there? I have to say that he was generalizing relationships in his past, and placing blame on women for those relationships failing due to a conflict in the roles of partner versus child; each one’s importance as it pertains to my carer’s loyalty. That should have been a huge red flag for me, but I was blind. That statement also says to me that my carer expected me to compete with his daughter, and would look for evidence of it. But in the first 8 months or so, his daughter and I built a wonderful and loving relationship. I was then chastised for taking her places and spending money on her. It is true that she is a spoiled and entitled child; both of her parents share that opinion; but the few things I was giving her were far from the root of spoiling her. I’ll explain;
Our second Christmas together, because our first occurred only two months after beginning this relationship, was a disaster. I didn’t have the money to spoil anyone, much less my own son. My carer did his Christmas shopping without telling me, and made no mention of buying the kid’s gifts together. I didn’t personally mention shopping together; first, out of displacement because I didn’t feel that I was established in a role appropriate to making family decisions yet; second, out of poverty because I didn’t personally have the money to shop yet, and didn’t want to ask him to pay for my son’s gifts; third, out of fear that somehow I’d be crossing a boundary and he would judge me for that; and lastly, we had been months into what is now our current battle and unhealthy habits, and I was extremely depressed, therefore having no desire to be in public (i.e. the mall). While I was desperately trying to find where I belong in this family, I was thinking “What if he doesn’t even WANT to shop together”? Full blown PTSD when I had no clue what PTSD was. It was completely irrational AND paranoid to think that asking to shop together could become devastating. Come Christmas Eve, my carer asked me to help him wrap the gifts he had bought. I am in no way exaggerating this next statement; together, we wrapped 60 gifts for his daughter alone, they covered the entire bed in a multi level pile. My son opened 3 gifts from me that year and received a 100$ gift card from my carer. I also gave my carer’s daughter 3 gifts, and on top of all that she received 300$ cash from my carer’s extended family.
I was so utterly affected by how drastically the scales had been tipped in his daughter’s favor, that, to this day, Christmas is a monster of a trigger. I felt deep sorrow and embarrassment on my son’s behalf. I know he’s not materialistic; he never has been because he grew up extremely poor; but to see all of the gifts under the tree for my carer’s daughter had to be awkward at the very least for him. It made us both feel like guests in what was supposed to be our own home and family. It made me feel as though his daughter was on a pedestal far above my son and me. I personally felt like I had let my son down somehow. I took the blame and placed it on myself for showing more love to my carer’s daughter than for my own son on Christmas day; when I didn’t even buy all those presents for her. Full blown PTSD again. Given my history of abuse and neglect, and the dysfunctional split of my childhood family, there is no question as to why that second Christmas here affected me the way it did. I am in no way saying that I’m justified for feeling that way, or reacting badly. What I AM saying is that it happened, I am aware of it, there were things I could have done to avoid it, and now I carry yet another trigger because I had no way of avoiding it at the time. I didn’t know that what I was thinking and doing were symptoms, but I do now…. too late, the trigger’s here, and it’s fairly fresh still!
This year I made a mistake based on that trigger before I could catch myself. In my opinion it was minor, but it set off a series of events that my carer is concerned with now, and is proceeding to blame me personally for. He was looking at store ads in the paper, and I asked him “Are we going to shop together, and spend the same amount on both kids this year”? He gave me a look, and I felt as though he wanted me to explain. So, I said “We’re not going to buy a bunch of stuff for your daughter, and not for my son, are we”? And there it is; and unintentional slam. I understand; I really do. He had mentioned a 400$ limit for this year, and I was compelled to make sure that meant 200$ for each kid. Damnit, if I didn’t want to instantly retract those two questions. I knew when I heard myself saying them, that I was doing the wrong thing. Good intentions, but absolutely the wrong way to go about it. I tried feverishly to fix what I had done; explaining that I just wanted confirmation and clarity, not that I assumed we’d repeat our second Christmas.
During our shopping endeavor, I was adding up the prices of the gifts in my head. My mind was truly set on the monetary limit, NOT who was getting what. I swear to that! We have financial troubles right now, and I am concerned about them. My carer mentioned in the car that he was displeased with the quality of a gift he had already purchased for his daughter. He insinuated that he didn’t want to give it to her after all, but he had spent 100$ on it. He also insinuated that he wanted to replace it, and go over the monetary limit. So, I asked if that’s what he meant, and he started to blow. He accused me of being controlling, and jealous of what he does for his daughter. I managed to squash that one pretty quickly by talking about the specifications of the gift matter of factly. I did not play into the emotional aspect of it, and I did not acknowledge his accusations.
While in the mall, my carer was considering an expensive gift for his daughter. I had already picked out 200$ worth of merchandise for my son, so we were done with his gifts. My carer had suggested more gifts for my son, but I declined saying that he was at his limit in price. I was still simply trying to help budget our Christmas per his wishes. When I looked at the price tag hanging from a name brand and embroidered sweatshirt hoody, I said “She would really love this, and it would certainly make up for the gift you’re unhappy with, but it would bring her to her monetary limit”. The man saw red, and proceeded to tear me up right there in the mall. He told me that he would buy his daughter anything he damn well pleased. What did I do wrong here? I still can’t figure it out. We left the store immediately, and he was still going on about how I was somehow attacking his daughter, trying to ruin her Christmas by being jealous, accusing him of something, and just plain being controlling. I’m sorry, but NO I WASN’T!! Do you think he believes that…. no, still doesn’t. I couldn’t let him do this to me right in the middle of the damned mall, so I raised my voice and said “EF, were in the mall, stop it, you’re embarrassing us both”!!!! I couldn’t believe it; that’s not like him. I think he now has a Christmas trigger because of my influence in the matter. That can’t be a good thing for us!!
Maybe part of the need for confirmation and clarity is just me, but a bigger part of it IS the disorder. I can tell you with perfect retrospect that in the moment I asked those questions concerning the monetary limits, and how the money would be distributed, I WAS doubting myself. I was afraid that I had placed trust in the situation when I shouldn’t have; I was afraid I had misinterpreted his intent concerning our unspoken Christmas plans; and I was afraid I had not represented my own desires effectively. Me, me, me… I did not intend to accuse him of anything. I am in no way saying that I should not be held accountable for making that mistake because I SHOULD, but only in the context of “I did it”, not that I had an agenda to cause conflict, or that I was personally being negative or hurtful. My personality did NOT ask him those questions, my disorder did. And when I made the comments about his daughter’s gifts and monetary limit, it was not PTSD at ALL. That one was normal healthy confidence and security. I honestly thought that I could discuss those issues with him safely. Boy, was I wrong! He is accusing me of looking for a fight, accusing HIM of something, denying my responsibility to my actions and playing the PTSD card, and then demanding that he abide by my wishes (controlling him). It IS my disorder, and my responsibility, but why am not getting any credit for managing it? I tried to reverse the mistake that I made, and I was successful in feeling secure in the mall. Those are pretty big milestones for me.
Yesterday I read the articles here for 6 hours. I was looking for resources to explain my symptoms to my carer. I found 3 articles so far that are relevant to this specific situation in some way, although I have not found definitive answers. All 3 are written by Anthony, and are titled;
“Set-backs During Recovery”
“Criteria For Healing Trauma”
“PTSD Timeline To Recovery”
We all know that recovery from ANYTHING will inevitably consist of a multitude of set-backs. I get that, and I do not crucify myself anymore for slipping up. I simply learn from it and try to apply a solution in future experiences. I can guarantee that I WILL slip up again, but I can also guarantee that I will most likely catch it, and take steps to reverse it again. Square one is a place that is centered on my map. From there, I can navigate to any other place in my life safely. I know where I’ve been, and I’m not afraid to be there again because being there doesn’t make me feel lost anymore. I know that I can punch the words “happiness” or “rationality” into my mind’s GPS, and I will get there. I might hit a Starbuck’s on the way (take a time out), lengthening my travel time, but who doesn’t do that, PTSD or not?
I sound angry, don’t I? I don’t mean to come off that way. We’ll call it passion.
Anthony listed 7 criteria taken from a doctor’s research to be applied to the assessment of whether or not a person has “gotten over” their trauma. I hate that phrase, but I’ll use it here to make a point; we never “get over it”, and it takes a long *ss time to even understand what’s going on with us. Regarding my trauma, I found that I have not whooped it’s *ss like I thought, according to this list. And it’s not my only trauma; there are 5 more to go. Although, I can tell you the story without physical symptoms (at least minimal), visit the place where it occurred without freaking out, and have abolished all guilt placed on myself because of it; my self-worth is in the toilet, my relationships are a mess, and I am not socially functional. The social anxiety is still running ramped, and I’m still very active in my identity crisis. Who am I? What am I, as my carer so delicately and sensitively put it? I just don’t know what is me, and what is PTSD. How can someone else know that for me? You can’t know who a person really is unless they tell you (credit to IntoTheLight for saying that first). You’d be claiming to literally be inside of their head if you believe that you know better who THEY are. And you’d also be calling them a liar, if you disagree with what they’re telling you about themselves. Hence, the passion you are witnessing in my post that is bordering on anger. HE’S going to tell ME what I think or why I did something? Let me give you a Charles J. Jones quote (my father) to pound home why this is so upsetting; “Meli, you don’t really think that”…. over and over and over again. “Well, YES I do think that, Dad! F*ck You”!
Deep breath, smelly candle, happy place…… my carer isn’t doing it on purpose; he really doesn’t understand……
A recovery timeline is so individualized, and dependant on environment and support that in some cases, it can endure a lifetime. Anthony’s timeline to a manageable state was 3 years, according to his article. But that’s not to say that you can definitively expect me to be where he is 2 years from now. I am not getting the support at home that I need. I have had a lapse in professional help. In fact, when I tried to call and make an appointment with a new place last week… holy sh*t did I get triggered. My mom is now taking care of setting up that appointment FOR me because my carer refuses to help me do it. He says that I NEED to do it for myself, and that he’s not holding my hand regarding these issues ANY more. Thank Thor for moms, huh? (That’s an Atheist joke, lol) He’s taking a Gestapo stance on my entire recovery to be done his way entirely because I’m mentally handicapped with PTSD and don’t know what’s good for me. He’s also accusing me of self-therapy and of being ignorant to my own symptoms; all of them. Like I don’t know what would make me feel better, and everything I disagree with is just the PTSD talking. Do I feel alone now, more than before? Oh, f*ck yes! Am I afraid to tell him what’s going on inside of me? Yes, again; in a big way. Again, I want to be very clear on this; my carer IS saying and writing these things to me, but I AM responsible for how I feel about his words.
Well, I’m sorry, but I feel very bad about my carer’s words and his attitude right now. I AM having a major set-back! We have a discussion planned for 7 this evening, and I’m terrified. I implemented a structured discussion policy weeks ago because I got sick and tired of the damned dysfunction in our communication. I NEED to be able to tell him what goes on inside of me. And he needs to be able to do the same regarding his own emotions. The guidelines for my structured discussion policy are as follows; Permission for any discussion lasting more than 10 minutes must be obtained from both parties. Whoever asks for the discussion picks the topic, and we stay on point throughout the discussion. If other issues arise, we acknowledge the issues, and we plan a separate discussion for them. The first time either one of us raises our voice, uses ultimatums, or makes threats… the discussion is over… period… no last words. We avoid using “you” statements, and talk solely from our own individual point of view.
It sounds like I’m yelling those guidelines, and maybe I am, but I feel it is necessary to draw the line and enforce it. We are both destroying this relationship, when we could be building a lifetime. I love my carer, and he loves me…. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
~Meli
I apologize for the tone and length of my post. It’s an awful long entry just to say “Merry Christmas to all; and I won’t be joining you in your celebrations”. That doesn’t mean you all can’t be happy about it.
Did I mention that there is a trauma trigger associated with Christmas as well? I spent Christmas, 1988, in the clutches of a sex offender. The same goes for my birthday and Thanksgiving. However slight it may be, that trigger just adds to the problem here. My bucket is full!
References to definitions:
Atheist, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/atheist
Agnostic, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/agnostic
Protestant, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/protestant
Atheist – one who believes that there is no deity (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
Agnostic – a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable; broadly: one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the NONEXISTENCE of God or a god (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
Protestant – a member of any of several church denominations denying the universal authority of the Pope and affirming the Reformation principles of justification by faith alone, the priesthood of all believers, and the primacy of the Bible as the only source of revealed truth; broadly: a Christian not of a Catholic or Eastern church (Merriam-Webster, 2010).
I’m sorry, but one person can’t be both Atheist and Agnostic at the same time. My carer claims to be Atheist first (by stating a complete lack of faith, and not by use of the actual word Atheist), but to use the term Agnostic when explaining his religious belief to others so as to not incite a debate with religious company. He is afraid of what the religious person will think, and does not want to go there. And believe me; I’m right there with him. Religious people tend to push their views on all of society; they are repulsed by the notion that someone denies their god, and their mission is to save the world from damnation. But my carer will fight with me fiercely about the two very different terms. I asked him “Do you believe in God”? He clearly said “No”. I commented “So, you’re an Atheist”, and you would have thought I’d called him a mother f*cker. “I am NOT an Atheist” he barks at me. He denies Atheism, yet claims he doesn’t believe in God at all. He tells me it’s just easier to say he’s Agnostic; then he doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone. By doing this he is seen as simply not knowing if God exists, lessening the chance of a passionate religious debate. It’s his way of not committing to a belief, which shows up in much of his life; this not being able to commit, one way or the other.
I was raised in a Protestant Christian home with a strong focus on missionary work within our church, where religion was forced on me by an abusive father. I’m sure that my upbringing and my resentment toward not having a choice regarding religion as a child have had a tremendous influence on my views of both religion and Christmas today. I won’t deny that. I am a product of my parents, whether I like it or not. My carer, on the other hand, insists that his parents had no influence whatsoever on whom he is today. I don’t see how that’s even possible. But to stay on point, my views of Christmas are merely to spoil our children and bring families together. America has turned Christmas into a social gathering where children expect to be rewarded. How many children actually focus on the birth of Christ? As evidence, the most popular focus is on Santa Clause; a 19th century real live man (Saint Nicholas) who was very charitable during the religious season. That fact alone (Santa’s popularity) is extremely hard for anyone to deny. Let me be very clear; “I am NOT anti-Christmas, nor am I anti-religion. I have a tremendous amount of respect for the beliefs of others, no matter what belief system they advocate; be it Christianity, Islam, the Native American Church, Wicca, or any other doctrine that you can think of. I am also open to religious knowledge, so that I can be fully informed and confident in my decision to be Atheist.
Right out the gate, Christmas leads me to think about religion, and religion leads me to think about my father. My carer and I come from two different worlds. I’m disgusted by the memory of my father beating me, verbally destroying me, and then sitting in a pew in church with his arm around my bruised shoulders like a model loving Christian father. I was raised in a very strict religious environment, where prayer was said before every meal and every aspect of our lives was formed around religion. The hypocrisy of my father’s actions seriously turned me away from religion. Here is a man following God’s rules, which are telling him to beat the sh*t out of me in private, and then lie about it in public by pretending to have a loving relationship with his children. Add to that negative stressor that I get at Christmas time, due to the hypocrisy, that my father has an anxiety disorder. Any holiday sends him into a depression and/or rage. Growing up, every holiday was spent walking on eggshells. Furthermore, it was very obvious at Christmas time that our family was split right down the middle; and still is. I just told my mom today that in spite of the fact that my parents are still married, I live the life a child from a broken home. She agreed 100%. My two half sisters are my father’s whole world, while my brother and I are merely unfortunate disappointments; my mother’s children.
My carer and I have a child each; mine is 19, and his is 12. Literally within the first week that my carer and I got together, he made the statement “My daughter comes first, and most women don’t understand that”. There is a plethora of underwritten beliefs, opinions, and assumptions in that short statement. It is, hands down, the core of my fears as a family and a belief that my own father holds. Why would anyone feel it necessary to make that statement in the first week of a relationship for no other reason than to throw it out there? I have to say that he was generalizing relationships in his past, and placing blame on women for those relationships failing due to a conflict in the roles of partner versus child; each one’s importance as it pertains to my carer’s loyalty. That should have been a huge red flag for me, but I was blind. That statement also says to me that my carer expected me to compete with his daughter, and would look for evidence of it. But in the first 8 months or so, his daughter and I built a wonderful and loving relationship. I was then chastised for taking her places and spending money on her. It is true that she is a spoiled and entitled child; both of her parents share that opinion; but the few things I was giving her were far from the root of spoiling her. I’ll explain;
Our second Christmas together, because our first occurred only two months after beginning this relationship, was a disaster. I didn’t have the money to spoil anyone, much less my own son. My carer did his Christmas shopping without telling me, and made no mention of buying the kid’s gifts together. I didn’t personally mention shopping together; first, out of displacement because I didn’t feel that I was established in a role appropriate to making family decisions yet; second, out of poverty because I didn’t personally have the money to shop yet, and didn’t want to ask him to pay for my son’s gifts; third, out of fear that somehow I’d be crossing a boundary and he would judge me for that; and lastly, we had been months into what is now our current battle and unhealthy habits, and I was extremely depressed, therefore having no desire to be in public (i.e. the mall). While I was desperately trying to find where I belong in this family, I was thinking “What if he doesn’t even WANT to shop together”? Full blown PTSD when I had no clue what PTSD was. It was completely irrational AND paranoid to think that asking to shop together could become devastating. Come Christmas Eve, my carer asked me to help him wrap the gifts he had bought. I am in no way exaggerating this next statement; together, we wrapped 60 gifts for his daughter alone, they covered the entire bed in a multi level pile. My son opened 3 gifts from me that year and received a 100$ gift card from my carer. I also gave my carer’s daughter 3 gifts, and on top of all that she received 300$ cash from my carer’s extended family.
I was so utterly affected by how drastically the scales had been tipped in his daughter’s favor, that, to this day, Christmas is a monster of a trigger. I felt deep sorrow and embarrassment on my son’s behalf. I know he’s not materialistic; he never has been because he grew up extremely poor; but to see all of the gifts under the tree for my carer’s daughter had to be awkward at the very least for him. It made us both feel like guests in what was supposed to be our own home and family. It made me feel as though his daughter was on a pedestal far above my son and me. I personally felt like I had let my son down somehow. I took the blame and placed it on myself for showing more love to my carer’s daughter than for my own son on Christmas day; when I didn’t even buy all those presents for her. Full blown PTSD again. Given my history of abuse and neglect, and the dysfunctional split of my childhood family, there is no question as to why that second Christmas here affected me the way it did. I am in no way saying that I’m justified for feeling that way, or reacting badly. What I AM saying is that it happened, I am aware of it, there were things I could have done to avoid it, and now I carry yet another trigger because I had no way of avoiding it at the time. I didn’t know that what I was thinking and doing were symptoms, but I do now…. too late, the trigger’s here, and it’s fairly fresh still!
This year I made a mistake based on that trigger before I could catch myself. In my opinion it was minor, but it set off a series of events that my carer is concerned with now, and is proceeding to blame me personally for. He was looking at store ads in the paper, and I asked him “Are we going to shop together, and spend the same amount on both kids this year”? He gave me a look, and I felt as though he wanted me to explain. So, I said “We’re not going to buy a bunch of stuff for your daughter, and not for my son, are we”? And there it is; and unintentional slam. I understand; I really do. He had mentioned a 400$ limit for this year, and I was compelled to make sure that meant 200$ for each kid. Damnit, if I didn’t want to instantly retract those two questions. I knew when I heard myself saying them, that I was doing the wrong thing. Good intentions, but absolutely the wrong way to go about it. I tried feverishly to fix what I had done; explaining that I just wanted confirmation and clarity, not that I assumed we’d repeat our second Christmas.
During our shopping endeavor, I was adding up the prices of the gifts in my head. My mind was truly set on the monetary limit, NOT who was getting what. I swear to that! We have financial troubles right now, and I am concerned about them. My carer mentioned in the car that he was displeased with the quality of a gift he had already purchased for his daughter. He insinuated that he didn’t want to give it to her after all, but he had spent 100$ on it. He also insinuated that he wanted to replace it, and go over the monetary limit. So, I asked if that’s what he meant, and he started to blow. He accused me of being controlling, and jealous of what he does for his daughter. I managed to squash that one pretty quickly by talking about the specifications of the gift matter of factly. I did not play into the emotional aspect of it, and I did not acknowledge his accusations.
While in the mall, my carer was considering an expensive gift for his daughter. I had already picked out 200$ worth of merchandise for my son, so we were done with his gifts. My carer had suggested more gifts for my son, but I declined saying that he was at his limit in price. I was still simply trying to help budget our Christmas per his wishes. When I looked at the price tag hanging from a name brand and embroidered sweatshirt hoody, I said “She would really love this, and it would certainly make up for the gift you’re unhappy with, but it would bring her to her monetary limit”. The man saw red, and proceeded to tear me up right there in the mall. He told me that he would buy his daughter anything he damn well pleased. What did I do wrong here? I still can’t figure it out. We left the store immediately, and he was still going on about how I was somehow attacking his daughter, trying to ruin her Christmas by being jealous, accusing him of something, and just plain being controlling. I’m sorry, but NO I WASN’T!! Do you think he believes that…. no, still doesn’t. I couldn’t let him do this to me right in the middle of the damned mall, so I raised my voice and said “EF, were in the mall, stop it, you’re embarrassing us both”!!!! I couldn’t believe it; that’s not like him. I think he now has a Christmas trigger because of my influence in the matter. That can’t be a good thing for us!!
Maybe part of the need for confirmation and clarity is just me, but a bigger part of it IS the disorder. I can tell you with perfect retrospect that in the moment I asked those questions concerning the monetary limits, and how the money would be distributed, I WAS doubting myself. I was afraid that I had placed trust in the situation when I shouldn’t have; I was afraid I had misinterpreted his intent concerning our unspoken Christmas plans; and I was afraid I had not represented my own desires effectively. Me, me, me… I did not intend to accuse him of anything. I am in no way saying that I should not be held accountable for making that mistake because I SHOULD, but only in the context of “I did it”, not that I had an agenda to cause conflict, or that I was personally being negative or hurtful. My personality did NOT ask him those questions, my disorder did. And when I made the comments about his daughter’s gifts and monetary limit, it was not PTSD at ALL. That one was normal healthy confidence and security. I honestly thought that I could discuss those issues with him safely. Boy, was I wrong! He is accusing me of looking for a fight, accusing HIM of something, denying my responsibility to my actions and playing the PTSD card, and then demanding that he abide by my wishes (controlling him). It IS my disorder, and my responsibility, but why am not getting any credit for managing it? I tried to reverse the mistake that I made, and I was successful in feeling secure in the mall. Those are pretty big milestones for me.
Yesterday I read the articles here for 6 hours. I was looking for resources to explain my symptoms to my carer. I found 3 articles so far that are relevant to this specific situation in some way, although I have not found definitive answers. All 3 are written by Anthony, and are titled;
“Set-backs During Recovery”
“Criteria For Healing Trauma”
“PTSD Timeline To Recovery”
We all know that recovery from ANYTHING will inevitably consist of a multitude of set-backs. I get that, and I do not crucify myself anymore for slipping up. I simply learn from it and try to apply a solution in future experiences. I can guarantee that I WILL slip up again, but I can also guarantee that I will most likely catch it, and take steps to reverse it again. Square one is a place that is centered on my map. From there, I can navigate to any other place in my life safely. I know where I’ve been, and I’m not afraid to be there again because being there doesn’t make me feel lost anymore. I know that I can punch the words “happiness” or “rationality” into my mind’s GPS, and I will get there. I might hit a Starbuck’s on the way (take a time out), lengthening my travel time, but who doesn’t do that, PTSD or not?
I sound angry, don’t I? I don’t mean to come off that way. We’ll call it passion.
Anthony listed 7 criteria taken from a doctor’s research to be applied to the assessment of whether or not a person has “gotten over” their trauma. I hate that phrase, but I’ll use it here to make a point; we never “get over it”, and it takes a long *ss time to even understand what’s going on with us. Regarding my trauma, I found that I have not whooped it’s *ss like I thought, according to this list. And it’s not my only trauma; there are 5 more to go. Although, I can tell you the story without physical symptoms (at least minimal), visit the place where it occurred without freaking out, and have abolished all guilt placed on myself because of it; my self-worth is in the toilet, my relationships are a mess, and I am not socially functional. The social anxiety is still running ramped, and I’m still very active in my identity crisis. Who am I? What am I, as my carer so delicately and sensitively put it? I just don’t know what is me, and what is PTSD. How can someone else know that for me? You can’t know who a person really is unless they tell you (credit to IntoTheLight for saying that first). You’d be claiming to literally be inside of their head if you believe that you know better who THEY are. And you’d also be calling them a liar, if you disagree with what they’re telling you about themselves. Hence, the passion you are witnessing in my post that is bordering on anger. HE’S going to tell ME what I think or why I did something? Let me give you a Charles J. Jones quote (my father) to pound home why this is so upsetting; “Meli, you don’t really think that”…. over and over and over again. “Well, YES I do think that, Dad! F*ck You”!
Deep breath, smelly candle, happy place…… my carer isn’t doing it on purpose; he really doesn’t understand……
A recovery timeline is so individualized, and dependant on environment and support that in some cases, it can endure a lifetime. Anthony’s timeline to a manageable state was 3 years, according to his article. But that’s not to say that you can definitively expect me to be where he is 2 years from now. I am not getting the support at home that I need. I have had a lapse in professional help. In fact, when I tried to call and make an appointment with a new place last week… holy sh*t did I get triggered. My mom is now taking care of setting up that appointment FOR me because my carer refuses to help me do it. He says that I NEED to do it for myself, and that he’s not holding my hand regarding these issues ANY more. Thank Thor for moms, huh? (That’s an Atheist joke, lol) He’s taking a Gestapo stance on my entire recovery to be done his way entirely because I’m mentally handicapped with PTSD and don’t know what’s good for me. He’s also accusing me of self-therapy and of being ignorant to my own symptoms; all of them. Like I don’t know what would make me feel better, and everything I disagree with is just the PTSD talking. Do I feel alone now, more than before? Oh, f*ck yes! Am I afraid to tell him what’s going on inside of me? Yes, again; in a big way. Again, I want to be very clear on this; my carer IS saying and writing these things to me, but I AM responsible for how I feel about his words.
Well, I’m sorry, but I feel very bad about my carer’s words and his attitude right now. I AM having a major set-back! We have a discussion planned for 7 this evening, and I’m terrified. I implemented a structured discussion policy weeks ago because I got sick and tired of the damned dysfunction in our communication. I NEED to be able to tell him what goes on inside of me. And he needs to be able to do the same regarding his own emotions. The guidelines for my structured discussion policy are as follows; Permission for any discussion lasting more than 10 minutes must be obtained from both parties. Whoever asks for the discussion picks the topic, and we stay on point throughout the discussion. If other issues arise, we acknowledge the issues, and we plan a separate discussion for them. The first time either one of us raises our voice, uses ultimatums, or makes threats… the discussion is over… period… no last words. We avoid using “you” statements, and talk solely from our own individual point of view.
It sounds like I’m yelling those guidelines, and maybe I am, but I feel it is necessary to draw the line and enforce it. We are both destroying this relationship, when we could be building a lifetime. I love my carer, and he loves me…. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
~Meli
I apologize for the tone and length of my post. It’s an awful long entry just to say “Merry Christmas to all; and I won’t be joining you in your celebrations”. That doesn’t mean you all can’t be happy about it.
Did I mention that there is a trauma trigger associated with Christmas as well? I spent Christmas, 1988, in the clutches of a sex offender. The same goes for my birthday and Thanksgiving. However slight it may be, that trigger just adds to the problem here. My bucket is full!
References to definitions:
Atheist, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/atheist
Agnostic, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/agnostic
Protestant, Merriam-Webster Incorporated, (2010), retrieved December 20, 2010 from the Merriam-webster.com web site at http//:www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/protestant