EMDR- had SI for a while after. Stopped. I think I’m ready again? Thoughts???

The_One

Learning
So I’m back guys!
I have been feeling great and my last EMDR session was a couple months back. It took me a while to get over the SI. I was embarrassed to have it and I was so scared when I told my therapist about it and of course we stopped EMDR treatment. But for me I really realized EMDR really helped my therapy sessions and therapy in general and helped me break through “quite literally” like I guess It kind of pushed me to the edge and forced me to be more open with my therapist. Which helped my therapy become that much more powerful.

And also I don’t know if this is what’s supposed to happen when EMDR works, but my target is not something I obsess about before like I did before I started EMDR. I don’t even think about the person involved in that target obsessively like I did before (ex) and that memory that was seared into my brain is not something I obsess over. Idk if this means the EMDR did what it’s supposed to do but I’ll take it. ???

So I’m thinking I should just do one session monthly. I’ve had traumatic experiences with sexual assault and I know I can’t speed healing up but I think this incident is really affecting my sex and dating life. The sexual assault makes me not want to kiss or have sex with any man and I love sex and I want to date have a man and active sex life again. I’ve had other questionable experiences with my ex during sex (being choked but too hard and almost passing out being one of them) during sex

We’ve had a bunch of talk sessions in between, idk what to think. I’m scared, super scared of the SI to come back. I felt SUPER shitty when I did too much EMDR. Idk how to describe the feeling other than really questioning my worth my depression came back full force (I’m on lexapro) but I was still able to function. I never have felt like that and it scared me to the bone. I told my therapist and she works with clients w/ SI. We made a plan even tho I had no intentions and no plan of unaliving myself. I can’t believe I’m writing those words.

But the affects of how my therapy.z after I stopped having SI and how much I felt like it accelerated my healing and how I don’t think about this ex and this traumatic event obsessively like I used to is just amazing .

Thoughts? Comments? I just need advice.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i've never done emdr, so i am clueless on that score, but suicidal ideation has plagued me since my pre-adolescence in the 60's. my general experience with si is that once i untangle the psycho snot knot behind the si, both the cravings to "end it all" and the associated symptoms dissipate rapidly. to my senses, it feels kinda like pulling a clog from a drain. once you give that blockage a tug, the flow recommences instantly, washing away the crud left in the pipe as it flows.
 
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