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EMDR machine

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It is a device with two small pads,one for each hand and the T can make them vibrate in an adaptable rythm while you focus on the feeling in your body when visualizing about a specific topic during which keeping your focus on breathing deeply.

Made me go deep into reprocessing modus.
That is how I used to do therapy. Now we butterfly tap. I thought the tappers were more intense as well, but it all seems to process the same. I’m finding the subject manner is what really affects it the most.
We do the paddles. I hate them. Because they work so well. For me they work at bringing up far more than visual or tapping does and that's exactly why I hate them so much. They do exactly what they're supposed to do and exactly what I try so hard to avoid doing. I'm an utter mess of exhaustion and unexpected emotions for the next 24 to 48 hours.
I like that its intense. Makes me feel like I am making progress.

The thing what hurts me the most is that since I have been a plus dad of 2 boys,6 and 8, for a few years now, I see them in real life and I see Little me when I was that age.

I find it easy to take care of them.

And then I remember my childhood. Utterly disgusting and horriffic.

During the session of yesterday I went back to Little me and the feeling I had was cold, icy, hollow, dirty, apathic, hyperalert, unsafe, angst, fear for my life, being abused, unwanted, neglected, epicenter of all blame and guilt, a guinneapig, a patient, a bastard son, ... and so on.

I forgive myself now for my behaviour, re-traumatizing, re-victimizing, selfsabotaging and being violent myself.

And for my parents... they deserve every ounce of pain that is coming to them.

No child, teenager or young adult should be exposed to this level of deranged, psychotic behaviour.

A former T said this to me once:

"You know that you will only have peace and feel safe when both your parents are dead and burried. Then you will finally be able to put this begint you".

My dad died 2 years ago. My mom tried to kill herself 5 years ago, when I finally cut ties with her, sold the house I was living in and moved away. She did not succeed in her attempt to take her own life. Had severe head trauma, went into a coma. When I whispered in her ear that I did not want anything to do with her and her Family.. she jumped out of her coma. She now lives in a home for people with special needs. The only thing she recalls is me , 6 years old, wij has to get to school.

How convenient for her...

If there is a God.. why all this I ask to him?

Today had a session with the EMDR machine. This was a first. More intense than the slapping my hands on my legs. I could sense how my left and right half of my brain were triggered.

Feeling depleted and empty.

Anyone done this type of EMDR before? Feedback?

By "EMDR machine" do you mean the green light that you watch with your eyes only? Not turning your head/neck? Yes, I have had that therapy with 12 full sessions, then a "tune-up" with 5-6 sessions, and one I did to myself to clear a particular issue. Post-Vietnam I was diagnosed with a severe case of PTSD. At the time I was a professional musician, so drugs/alcohol were certainly available to "help" me with my problem. Guess what?....it didn't work! An RN told me about EMDR so I read up on it, and found a therapist who could help me. He had done four tours in Vietnam and if he watched me follow the light, he started to process himself. Power stuff, this EMDR! After my sessions were completed, I went back to the Vet Center. The Team Leader there was totally against EMDR as was his wife. Both were LCSW's (Licensed Clinical Social Workers, who, after seeing the tremendous improvement I had obtained, are now EMDR top level practitioners.

Your feeling are pretty normal, and your situation WILL get better, such as increased happiness, less paranoia, maybe even an increase in trusting others. I became a Forensic and Psychiatric RN and did that career for 15 years before I left the profession due to an unfortunate increase of "triggers" associated with helping other combat vets get (hopefully) to a better place in their lives.

God bless you, and please keep up with therapy. If you are a Vietnam vet, WELCOME HOME!
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