Emotional Dependency on therapist/emotional pain

Dreamer146

New Here
Hi guys, I need your advice/help.
So I've been seeing my new therapist for 10 weeks now& she respectively said she doesn't want patients to become too dependent on her.. Well I got super angry at her & felt rejected and left alone and she said this rule would be for patients protection so they would be able to make decisions on their own, etc without having to consult with her .
Last week before she went on holiday for 2 weeks she said I am indeed allowed to text or call if something happens which would otherwise lead me to hurt myself ,even if she's on holiday , so isn't this quite contrary?
I really miss her, feel emotional pain knowing I won't see her for the next 2 weeks but I don't know how I should tell her when she returns..
Seemed like she didn't take too much interest when I told her about my strong feelings towards her and my jealousy of other patients and her daughter ..

What would you advise me to do? And advice?
 

Waterbear

Learning
Hey, I'm so sorry you are going through a bit of a dilemma. The relationship between the counsellor and the client is a strange but magical one, in my experience.

My T was the same as yours to begin with, didn't really seem too open about me developing a strong attachment to her. But over time this did happen, and she was ok with it. She stepped up to the mark, as you might say.

She still never really liked the term "good enough mother" but that's what she was too me. Is to me?

I'm going through a rough patch because after five years she had now said she is winding down her private practice, so no more sessions from December, if indeed I choose to continue at all with her now.

Anyway, my only advice is to keep goingz for now. If I had run when she balked at the idea to begin with I wouldn't have had the amazing opportunity for growth and healing like I have had.

But... If you feel like you know what you need, and your therapist isn't meeting that, then my advice would be to walk away and find someone who can meet those needs, so far as is reasonably practicle in the therapeutic, professional relationship.

And most of all, good luck!
 

Dreamer146

New Here
Hey, I'm so sorry you are going through a bit of a dilemma. The relationship between the counsellor and the client is a strange but magical one, in my experience.

My T was the same as yours to begin with, didn't really seem too open about me developing a strong attachment to her. But over time this did happen, and she was ok with it. She stepped up to the mark, as you might say.

She still never really liked the term "good enough mother" but that's what she was too me. Is to me?

I'm going through a rough patch because after five years she had now said she is winding down her private practice, so no more sessions from December, if indeed I choose to continue at all with her now.

Anyway, my only advice is to keep goingz for now. If I had run when she balked at the idea to begin with I wouldn't have had the amazing opportunity for growth and healing like I have had.

But... If you feel like you know what you need, and your therapist isn't meeting that, then my advice would be to walk away and find someone who can meet those needs, so far as is reasonably practicle in the therapeutic, professional relationship.

And most of all, good luck!
Thank you for your reply.
Well I think it's definitely best to talk about those feelings again after her holiday (as stuffing those missing her tremendously feelings down will only make it worse) and see how she'll react.
 

Waterbear

Learning
Thank you for your reply.
Well I think it's definitely best to talk about those feelings again after her holiday (as stuffing those missing her tremendously feelings down will only make it worse) and see how she'll react.
That sounds like a great idea. Talking about the relationship is, in my experience, a big part of the work and healing from past hurts.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I think telling her is the best thing. Because you have these feelings (totally ok btw) and she must know that therapy breeds these feelings.

My T practices in relational theory, which essentially is really encouraging this attachment and dependence onto her to help heal and then move forward. We talk about my feelings about her quite a lot (sometimes it is very painful to do so). However, one time she said to me "it's ok to need her as long as I don't give her power over me". I took massive offence to that and we had a rupture to work through. I misunderstood what she was meaning.

So maybe there is a miscommunication about this word 'dependent'. I.e. she wants to help you but also wants you to have autonomy? Or she isn't great at this part of therapy?

Either way, best to find out sooner rather than later, so tell her about this question you have put on here and tell her about your feelings.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Dreamer146, this can be quite common and it's normal to develop feelings for your therapist. It's up to your therapist to be professional enough to talk through that with you. I believe it's called transferance. I think that when she meant you could contact her in an emergency when she was on holiday it was just that... "If you were at risk of self harm". That's ok.

What did you mean when you said "you were jealous of her other clients and her daughter" ?
 

Dreamer146

New Here
Hi @Dreamer146, this can be quite common and it's normal to develop feelings for your therapist. It's up to your therapist to be professional enough to talk through that with you. I believe it's called transferance. I think that when she meant you could contact her in an emergency when she was on holiday it was just that... "If you were at risk of self harm". That's ok.

What did you mean when you said "you were jealous of her other clients and her daughter" ?
By that I meant that I'm jealous because those other patients get the same attention, care , attunement as I get and I want her to like me most.. regarding her daughter I noticed that I felt quite rejected when she rescheduled a session 2 weeks ago because her daughter got sick and it felt like there's someone more important than me (have been feeling like that all my life) but of course her daughter is generally most important to her ...
 

Friday

Moderator
Last week before she went on holiday for 2 weeks she said I am indeed allowed to text or call if something happens which would otherwise lead me to hurt myself ,even if she's on holiday , so isn't this quite contrary?
Not one bit.

As soon as the difference is as clear to you as the difference between a snowy winter and hot summer? Throw yourself a little party -for real; whatever you find celebratory, exhilarating, fun for no purpose except fun itself- to revel in one more victory achieved.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
By that I meant that I'm jealous because those other patients get the same attention, care , attunement as I get and I want her to like me most.. regarding her daughter I noticed that I felt quite rejected when she rescheduled a session 2 weeks ago because her daughter got sick and it felt like there's someone more important than me (have been feeling like that all my life) but of course her daughter is generally most important to her ...
I understand that.
I got jealous thinking about my T's other clients as *I have to be the most special one*.
But, this is all relational trauma playing out. And transference.
Because when we're able to take a step back we can see that these feelings come from a young place. A place where we maybe didn't have this attuned attention. And rationally we know that a T is going to reschedule if their child is sick: we would want them too wouldn't we? But also, it's excruciatingly painful to be reminded we aren't their child/they aren't reschduling for us. There is a limitation to this relationship as they are our T's and not our parents.

All highly painful emotional stuff, but I'm told repeatedly the healing apparently is within this stuff.
 
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