littlelion
Learning
I’m fairly certain that I’m experiencing emotional flashbacks and have been for a long time now. The last time was yesterday at dinner.
Someone opened and closed a door multiple times and their keys were making sounds when they were moving (idk the word for that), and I immediately associated it with the ward, when ppl were running in and out of my room, the alarms going off, keys sounding from when they were gonna restrain me...
it all came back to me - emotionally that is, as if all the feelings from that time came back all at once (but not like one of those movie-reliving-everything-flashback kind of thing that you see in the media). I panicked, ofc, and started hyperventilating and stuff. Later, the staff who was with me asked what had happened and I explained it to him.
I also remember back at my first residential. Sometimes when I was trying to physically harm myself and they were holding me down, they touched my ankles/held them down, and that freaked me out, like so so bad. I would curl up at the floor, put my hands over my ears and whisper or sometimes scream, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to” over and over again. The physical sensation of someone touching my ankles like that sent me right back to being restrained at the ward. Sometimes, the feeling of being “trapped” as when I was restrained, would last for quite some time (30 mins-1 hr normally I think?), and I’d have to pace back and forth and constantly move and keep distracted in order not to go into a full blown panic attack again.
The reason why I haven’t really thought about PTSD as an actual possibility, is because I’ve always thought that PTSD is basically having flashbacks where you’re reliving the traumatic event(s) like it’s happening all over again, and totally detached from reality.
But after some research yesterday, I realised that PTSD is much more than that type of flashback, and even other things than flashbacks altogether (I don’t think you even have to experience flashbacks in order to have PTSD? Not sure).
I also have gaps in my memory from childhood. I know that things happened before the age of 12, but it was at that time that I “woke up” and realised it. Idk how to explain it, it’s all pretty blurry tbh (it’s almost 10 years ago now), but I used to explain it as if it was “someone else” experiencing the abuse, and when I turned 12, I replaced that person. I don’t have gaps - that I know of - from “normal” things in childhood, such as playing with mates or birthday parties, but it’s that hurtful part that’s gone.
I’m certain that I have been abused from an early age, so it would surprise me if the abuse didn’t start until I was 12 (which would mean that I don’t have any memory gaps). What makes me so sure of that, is that my mom left my dad (my dad was my abuser) when I was very young, like one year old or so, but whenever I told her about experiences with dad she’s know exactly what I was talking about because she had experienced it too when they were together. She has even told me that when I was little and they still lived together, dad would sometimes do things that mom didn’t feel was right - like grabbing me harshly or being mean to me, mocking and degrading me. Therefor, I think that the abuse has been going on ever since I was born basically.
Anyway - my point is, that I think that I must have lost time since I don’t remember the abuse before the age of 12 although I was somehow aware of it having happened before, and it just doesn’t make sense any other way?
If someone knows anything about it or got the slightest thought about what I’m experiencing is, I’d be so thankful for any replies.
Someone opened and closed a door multiple times and their keys were making sounds when they were moving (idk the word for that), and I immediately associated it with the ward, when ppl were running in and out of my room, the alarms going off, keys sounding from when they were gonna restrain me...
it all came back to me - emotionally that is, as if all the feelings from that time came back all at once (but not like one of those movie-reliving-everything-flashback kind of thing that you see in the media). I panicked, ofc, and started hyperventilating and stuff. Later, the staff who was with me asked what had happened and I explained it to him.
I also remember back at my first residential. Sometimes when I was trying to physically harm myself and they were holding me down, they touched my ankles/held them down, and that freaked me out, like so so bad. I would curl up at the floor, put my hands over my ears and whisper or sometimes scream, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to” over and over again. The physical sensation of someone touching my ankles like that sent me right back to being restrained at the ward. Sometimes, the feeling of being “trapped” as when I was restrained, would last for quite some time (30 mins-1 hr normally I think?), and I’d have to pace back and forth and constantly move and keep distracted in order not to go into a full blown panic attack again.
The reason why I haven’t really thought about PTSD as an actual possibility, is because I’ve always thought that PTSD is basically having flashbacks where you’re reliving the traumatic event(s) like it’s happening all over again, and totally detached from reality.
But after some research yesterday, I realised that PTSD is much more than that type of flashback, and even other things than flashbacks altogether (I don’t think you even have to experience flashbacks in order to have PTSD? Not sure).
I also have gaps in my memory from childhood. I know that things happened before the age of 12, but it was at that time that I “woke up” and realised it. Idk how to explain it, it’s all pretty blurry tbh (it’s almost 10 years ago now), but I used to explain it as if it was “someone else” experiencing the abuse, and when I turned 12, I replaced that person. I don’t have gaps - that I know of - from “normal” things in childhood, such as playing with mates or birthday parties, but it’s that hurtful part that’s gone.
I’m certain that I have been abused from an early age, so it would surprise me if the abuse didn’t start until I was 12 (which would mean that I don’t have any memory gaps). What makes me so sure of that, is that my mom left my dad (my dad was my abuser) when I was very young, like one year old or so, but whenever I told her about experiences with dad she’s know exactly what I was talking about because she had experienced it too when they were together. She has even told me that when I was little and they still lived together, dad would sometimes do things that mom didn’t feel was right - like grabbing me harshly or being mean to me, mocking and degrading me. Therefor, I think that the abuse has been going on ever since I was born basically.
Anyway - my point is, that I think that I must have lost time since I don’t remember the abuse before the age of 12 although I was somehow aware of it having happened before, and it just doesn’t make sense any other way?
If someone knows anything about it or got the slightest thought about what I’m experiencing is, I’d be so thankful for any replies.