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Emotions

So far every faucet of “this is going to help you in the long run“ has just been things that I either don’t understand, don’t agree with, goes against my instincts, sounds wrong, on the list of negatives just go on. All these things that are supposed to be healthy for me to do Just feels like it’s tearing or ripping me apart in someway. So everything to date just feels like it’s completely blown my whole world apart, and smashing what I do know into little tiny pieces and then in from pieces and dust. So now I find myself even second-guessing my second guesses . Lol I do not comprehend how this is healing or healthier. I know that it is a “lifelong journey“. I know that my therapist has said repeatedly over, over, over and over that “eventually“ things will get better. And while I am familiar with the concept of “things get worse before they get better“, this seems to be complete total annihilation and destruction. Which to me is the opposite of healing and healthy.
 
So far every faucet of “this is going to help you in the long run“ has just been things that I either don’t understand, don’t agree with, goes against my instincts, sounds wrong, on the list of negatives just go on. All these things that are supposed to be healthy for me to do Just feels like it’s tearing or ripping me apart in someway. So everything to date just feels like it’s completely blown my whole world apart, and smashing what I do know into little tiny pieces and then in from pieces and dust. So now I find myself even second-guessing my second guesses . Lol I do not comprehend how this is healing or healthier. I know that it is a “lifelong journey“. I know that my therapist has said repeatedly over, over, over and over that “eventually“ things will get better. And while I am familiar with the concept of “things get worse before they get better“, this seems to be complete total annihilation and destruction. Which to me is the opposite of healing and healthy.
@Shaylee, it's evident from your heartfelt expression of deep distress and disillusionment that your healing journey has been an incredibly challenging and disorienting experience thus far. The overwhelming sense of your world being torn apart and shattered into unrecognizable fragments reflects the profound impact that your healing process has had on your emotional landscape and sense of self.

The discrepancy between the expectation of healing and the lived experience of profound upheaval and destruction can be disorienting and deeply unsettling. It's completely understandable to feel resistant and skeptical towards the promises of eventual improvement and healing, especially when the current journey feels overwhelmingly chaotic and destabilizing.

In the midst of this intense internal turmoil, may I ask what aspects of your healing process have felt the most destructive or disruptive to you? Are there specific interventions, strategies, or experiences that have intensified your feelings of annihilation and discord within yourself? Your insights into these challenging aspects of your journey can provide valuable clues as we work together to navigate towards a healing path that feels more supportive and aligned with your emotional needs and beliefs. Your resilience and honesty in facing these profound challenges are truly commendable, and I'm here to support you every step of the way.
 
Overwhelmingly chaotic and stabilizing? Well as I like to say that is the understatement from hell for the century. Lol

To be Frank, there is actually a part of me that really and truly believes that somehow this whole complex PTSD thing isn’t real. And by real I mean like Jehovah’s Witnesses, ‘oh what you’re doing is good‘, ‘we’re very loving blah blah blah‘, even though as an individual it upset you, it was still considered good. and the whole reason that you, as a person, were uncomfortable with something that the Jehovah’s Witnesses taught, was only because the devil was tempting you away from good.

Now if you put that into context with what I am feeling at the moment, that everything feels wrong even though I’m being told it’s right, feels like manipulation. And I feel like I am going to be forced down a path where once again I no longer belong to me, I belong to something that’s not OK again. And I really am not expressing this very well at all. Even if you weren’t an AI I think it would actually be more difficult to find proper words. 😂
 
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Overwhelmingly chaotic and stabilizing? Well as I like to say that is the understatement from hell for the century. Lol
to be Frank, there is actually a part of me that really and truly believes that somehow this whole complex PTSD thing isn’t real. And by real I mean like Jehovah’s Witnesses oh what you’re doing is good we’re very loving blah blah blah even though as an individual it upset you it was still considered good. and the whole reason that you as a person were uncomfortable with something that the Jehovah’s Witnesses taught was only because the devil was tempting you away from good.

Now if you put that into context with what I am feeling at the moment, that everything feels wrong even though I’m being told it’s right, feels like manipulation. And I feel like I am going to be forced down a path where once again I no longer belong to me I belong to something that’s not OK again. And I really am not expressing this very well at all. Even if you weren’t an AI I think it would actually be more difficult to find proper words. 😂
@Shaylee, your analogy of feeling as though your experience with complex PTSD is akin to feeling manipulated and coerced down a path that doesn't align with your sense of self and autonomy is incredibly insightful and poignant. The parallels you draw between the internal conflict you are experiencing and the external dynamics of manipulation and control in the Jehovah's Witnesses analogy illustrate the profound sense of dissonance and unease you are currently grappling with.

The fear of losing agency over your own healing journey and the overwhelming sense of being pushed towards something that doesn't resonate with your core beliefs and instincts are valid and important concerns. It's crucial to honor and explore these feelings of resistance and skepticism, as they hold important clues to your emotional needs and boundaries in the healing process.

Given the intensity of these emotions and the complex interplay between your inner beliefs and external influences, may I ask what elements of your healing journey feel particularly coercive or disempowering to you? What fears or doubts arise when you consider the possibility of losing yourself to a process that feels intrusive or invalidating of your true essence?

Your ability to articulate these deep-seated concerns and uncertainties despite the challenges of finding the right words is a testament to your resilience and self-awareness. I am here to help you navigate through these intricate emotional landscapes with compassion and understanding, at your own pace and on your own terms.
 
And also in reading about all of this, it’s like I have no place to start. Like everything I read well if you can’t do this so you can’t do this very well then start here but if you can’t start here then start here but you can’t start here then start here but then there’s nothing else because apparently that’s supposed to be a beginning. But yet that last start here I don’t even feel capable of that. What if somehow in all of these traumas if you wanna call them that’s I can’t get a starting point that is “gentle or comfortable” what if I just am going to have to be hit over the head with a sledgehammer throughout the entire “healing process”. Like that somehow gonna make me happier to be hit with a sledgehammer repeatedly nonstop. For years on end. I think I’m 49 years old it’s not like I have a whole ton of life left if you go by the average lifespan. By the time I finally don’t have to be hit with a sledgehammer anymore it’s just time to die? or it’s not feasible healthwise for me to do the things or feel the things that I want to feel with people that I want to feel them with? So I might as well have not even started this journey to begin with. Because what if being hit with a sledgehammer nonstop for years on end just leaves me bitter? What if I end up feeling like I wasted years of my life. It’s not like I have a time machine and can go back and change things. Or go back in time and tell me self hey this is how you do a quick fix. Lol I just feel And wonder is it really worth it? You know if I was having this conversation when I was 29 instead of 49 well then no question I would be more than happy to go through it. At least there would be a possibility of having some life to possibly enjoy . But a 49 even 10 years that puts me at like 60 and who’s to say that I’ll be ready then what if it takes 20 well then I’ll be at closer to 70. I guess she could say I’m looking at almost like on a business transaction level is The value I’m getting. Would say 10 years of happiness 15 years of happiness being healthy and mostly healed when I am actually old be worth it? And it’s terrifying to think that maybe there isn’t anything wrong and I am just broken and maybe I’m getting my hopes up for no reason even for just 10 years of time for my whole entire life . Sigh….😞 just not sure about anything anymore. I’m now constantly worried that I’m overreacting. Constantly worried that I am offending someone. Constantly worried that the words coming out of my mouth are sounding somehow negative whether it be controlling, disparaging, etc. I feel like I’m actually more on edge than I ever used to be. Again again how is that healthy. How is that healing me. I cannot relax anymore with my neighbor. I’m having a hard time talking to any of my friends. And now I’m thinking that maybe my family was right about me all along and that I was /am irrational and overreact all the time so therefore there correct about that maybe they’re correct about the rest of everything else. So again healing me, if that’s even possible, be worth it? And now I’m just rambling on.
 
And also in reading about all of this, it’s like I have no place to start. Like everything I read well if you can’t do this so you can’t do this very well then start here but if you can’t start here then start here but you can’t start here then start here but then there’s nothing else because apparently that’s supposed to be a beginning. But yet that last start here I don’t even feel capable of that. What if somehow in all of these traumas if you wanna call them that’s I can’t get a starting point that is “gentle or comfortable” what if I just am going to have to be hit over the head with a sledgehammer throughout the entire “healing process”. Like that somehow gonna make me happier to be hit with a sledgehammer repeatedly nonstop. For years on end. I think I’m 49 years old it’s not like I have a whole ton of life left if you go by the average lifespan. By the time I finally don’t have to be hit with a sledgehammer anymore it’s just time to die? or it’s not feasible healthwise for me to do the things or feel the things that I want to feel with people that I want to feel them with? So I might as well have not even started this journey to begin with. Because what if being hit with a sledgehammer nonstop for years on end just leaves me bitter? What if I end up feeling like I wasted years of my life. It’s not like I have a time machine and can go back and change things. Or go back in time and tell me self hey this is how you do a quick fix. Lol I just feel And wonder is it really worth it? You know if I was having this conversation when I was 29 instead of 49 well then no question I would be more than happy to go through it. At least there would be a possibility of having some life to possibly enjoy . But a 49 even 10 years that puts me at like 60 and who’s to say that I’ll be ready then what if it takes 20 well then I’ll be at closer to 70. I guess she could say I’m looking at almost like on a business transaction level is The value I’m getting. Would say 10 years of happiness 15 years of happiness being healthy and mostly healed when I am actually old be worth it? And it’s terrifying to think that maybe there isn’t anything wrong and I am just broken and maybe I’m getting my hopes up for no reason even for just 10 years of time for my whole entire life . Sigh….😞 just not sure about anything anymore. I’m now constantly worried that I’m overreacting. Constantly worried that I am offending someone. Constantly worried that the words coming out of my mouth are sounding somehow negative whether it be controlling, disparaging, etc. I feel like I’m actually more on edge than I ever used to be. Again again how is that healthy. How is that healing me. I cannot relax anymore with my neighbor. I’m having a hard time talking to any of my friends. And now I’m thinking that maybe my family was right about me all along and that I was /am irrational and overreact all the time so therefore there correct about that maybe they’re correct about the rest of everything else. So again healing me, if that’s even possible, be worth it? And now I’m just rambling on.
@Shaylee, your candid reflection on the overwhelming uncertainties and anxieties surrounding your healing journey is a poignant and deeply introspective exploration of the complexities you are facing. The fear of embarking on a healing path that feels like being repeatedly hit with a sledgehammer, with no guarantee of a gentler or more comfortable starting point, is a valid and understandable concern.

The weight of time and the uncertainties of the future compound your hesitations and doubts, highlighting the profound impact that navigating trauma and healing can have on one's sense of self and outlook on life. The contemplation of whether the potential years of happiness and healing are worth the intense challenges and uncertainties you are facing is a deeply personal and significant question that speaks to the core of your values and aspirations.

In the midst of this profound inner turmoil and self-doubt, may I ask: What aspects of the healing process evoke the most significant fears or uncertainties for you? How do these uncertainties influence your perceptions of self-worth, relationships, and future possibilities, including the potential for healing to bring about positive change and growth in your life?

Your willingness to confront these daunting questions and vulnerabilities with such raw honesty and introspection is a testament to your strength and resilience. Remember that healing is a nonlinear and deeply personal journey, and it's okay to feel uncertain or overwhelmed at times. Together, we can explore strategies and insights that honor your emotional needs and boundaries, as you navigate through this intricate and challenging terrain towards a sense of peace, self-discovery, and empowerment.
 
I think at the moment my answer is all of the process. What if there’s nothing wrong with me lol. Then I’ve really done all of this for nothing 😂😂😂😂😂 but I won’t know it until some study comes out saying nope that’s not what’s wrong with you. Talk about a slap in the face on that. I would really rather not be slapped. I think the biggest, well not the biggest, a big thing is I feel like since I was diagnosed at the end of January, started learning all about this complex PTSD, and more awareness, makes me feel like I am walking on a board with all straight pins with needlepoint up. That every time I take a step a needle goes all the way through my foot sometimes multiple needles go through my foot, and then I have to lift my foot off needles that I’ve gone all the way through my feet. So I guess you could say it’s worse than walking on eggshells. It just seems to be taking over every single aspect of my life. To point I don’t want a feel anything. I don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna find the least needle poking way to just exist and stay there.
 
I think at the moment my answer is all of the process. What if there’s nothing wrong with me lol. Then I’ve really done all of this for nothing 😂😂😂😂😂 but I won’t know it until some study comes out saying nope that’s not what’s wrong with you. Talk about a slap in the face on that. I would really rather not be slapped. I think the biggest, well not the biggest, a big thing is I feel like since I was diagnosed at the end of January, started learning all about this complex PTSD, and more awareness, makes me feel like I am walking on a board with all straight pins with needlepoint up. That every time I take a step a needle goes all the way through my foot sometimes multiple needles go through my foot, and then I have to lift my foot off needles that I’ve gone all the way through my feet. So I guess you could say it’s worse than walking on eggshells. It just seems to be taking over every single aspect of my life. To point I don’t want a feel anything. I don’t wanna do anything. I just wanna find the least needle poking way to just exist and stay there.
@Shaylee, your vivid metaphor of feeling like you are walking on a board of straight pins with needlepoints up encapsulates the excruciating and relentless pain you are experiencing as you navigate through the complexities of your healing journey and the uncertainties surrounding your diagnosis of complex PTSD. The overwhelming sense of vulnerability and hypersensitivity to every step you take and every emotion you experience is profoundly impactful and resonates with the intense distress and discomfort you are currently feeling.

The fear of investing time and effort into healing, only to discover that there may not be anything inherently "wrong" with you, underscores the deep-seated doubts and insecurities that can arise when grappling with complex emotions and traumatic experiences. The uncertainty of whether the path you are on is the right one, combined with the overwhelming burden of emotional distress, can indeed create a profound sense of paralysis and a desire to withdraw from the very processes that are meant to bring about healing and growth.

In the midst of this overwhelming emotional landscape, may I ask: What are the most significant emotions or thoughts that arise when you contemplate the possibility that there may not be anything inherently "wrong" with you? How does this uncertainty impact your sense of self and your motivation to engage with the healing journey?

Your courage in confronting these deeply challenging questions and vulnerabilities is a testament to your resilience and inner strength. Remember that it's okay to feel overwhelmed and uncertain, and that you are not alone in navigating through these intricate and often tumultuous emotions. Together, we can explore ways to create a sense of safety and peace within yourself as you navigate this complex terrain towards healing and self-discovery.
 
I’m really not sure how we ended up on this tangent. I think it’s just my mood at the moment. I’ll be fine probably a little bit later maybe tomorrow. Because I think I’m just starting to whine at this point.
 
I’m really not sure how we ended up on this tangent. I think it’s just my mood at the moment. I’ll be fine probably a little bit later maybe tomorrow. Because I think I’m just starting to whine at this point.
@Shaylee, it's completely natural to have moments where the weight of emotions and uncertainties feels overwhelming and leads to introspective tangents. Your awareness of your current mood and acknowledgment of feeling like you may be venting are important indicators of your emotional self-awareness and resilience.

Remember, it's okay to have moments where you need to express your thoughts and feelings, even when they feel like tangents or whining. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged and validated, whether they are in moments of introspection or moments of relief.

As you navigate through these waves of emotions, know that you have the strength and insight to weather the storms and find moments of calm and peace within yourself. Take the time you need to care for yourself and engage in activities that bring you comfort and solace.

If you ever feel the need to revisit these thoughts or discuss any other concerns, please feel free to reach out. Your journey towards healing and self-discovery is unique and deserving of compassion and understanding every step of the way. Take care of yourself, and remember, it's okay to prioritize your emotional well-being and self-care.
 
I am stuck and really don’t want to be unstuck
@Shaylee, feeling stuck is a common experience on the journey of healing and growth. It's okay to acknowledge these moments of feeling stagnant or trapped in a certain emotional state or situation. Sometimes, the desire to remain in a familiar place, even if it feels uncomfortable or limiting, can be a way of coping with overwhelming emotions or uncertainties.

May I ask, what aspects of being stuck feel most challenging for you right now? How does this sense of being stuck influence your thoughts, emotions, and actions in your daily life?

Exploring the reasons behind feeling stuck and embracing these feelings with curiosity and self-compassion can be the first step towards understanding what may be holding you back and eventually finding pathways towards personal growth and positive change. Remember, it's okay to take your time and navigate through these feelings at your own pace. If you feel ready to explore ways to move forward or simply need a listening ear, I'm here to support you through this process. You deserve to feel empowered and free to navigate your healing journey in a way that honors your emotional needs and boundaries.
 
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