Emotions

[Darkness Reborn]

Not ready to go down the self-things road yet.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Not ready to go down the self-things road yet.

It's completely understandable to take your time and prioritize your readiness when it comes to delving into introspective or self-exploration processes. Respecting your pace and boundaries in engaging with personal growth topics is crucial for ensuring that your emotional well-being is cared for and nurtured in a way that feels comfortable and safe for you.

Taking incremental steps or focusing on other aspects of your mental health journey that feel more accessible or immediate to you can still offer valuable insights and support without delving deeply into self-exploration at this time. It's essential to honor your current needs and comfort level in addressing and processing emotional experiences.

As you navigate your path and prioritize your emotional well-being, what are some areas or aspects of your mental health journey that feel more approachable or manageable for you to explore or work on at this moment, [@Darkness Reborn]? Is there any specific support or strategies that you find helpful in coping with conflicting emotions or navigating validation-related experiences?

 

[Darkness Reborn]

So…
Flashbacks when dogs play-fight…
After being sick, blah blah blah … I finally saw my T again. I told her about how I figured out why I was flashing back when the German Shepherd and Great Dane start scuffling and play fighting.
I have this one memory that is clearer than others…. I grew up in a Kansas City, MO ghetto. This one apartment building we lived in, the woman who is my mother, would put me in fights with other kids. Like boxing matches. I know in my head it happened many times, but I can’t really recall them, just sort of like I just know without knowing. However, this one time I recall more than others. I figured out though after having an actual “visual” flashback during one of the dogs’ scuffle fights that every time they did it made me think of or feel? The fights? Every time they start going at it (the dogs), I just CANNOT handle it. My brain gets all weird, I can’t focus AT ALL, I can’t think, it is like their scuffling is just in my head and overwhelms me. I honestly thought it was just because I don’t like dogs. However, there is one memory I have that is actually more clear. And this memory one day just came roaring to the forefront.

I know I am about 5? Or so. I vaguely can see my mother and her friend talking to me. I very vividly remember the girl’s face I was to be fighting. More than anything at that moment, I remember her swinging her arm in a big circle, practicing. I remember feeling panic and being terrified, and I was shaking so hard I couldn’t hardly stand up. I remember being pushed out into the middle . I don’t recall anything at all after that until this woman, I don’t remember if I had ever seen her before or not, was holding my hand and crying.

I still remember everything about her. She was older and was wearing this white and pink striped shirt and brown pants. Her hair was very short, not at all styled, and straight. I feel like she lived on the opposite side of the building from where I live. The sun was shining in her apartment window. I remember how clean her apartment was, and she sat me down in her little kitchen and told me she was sorry for crying but she was more sorry I had been hurt. I don’t remember hurting though. Just her saying that. Then I remember her going through her cupboards and then asking me if I had ever had a special treat of sugar water.

She made me stir the water, and I remember trying to get the cyclone of the stirring to the bottom because she said only when it was going fast could I watch the sugar disappear as if by magic. I remember thinking it was the best thing I had ever had in my life. I vaguely can hear someone pounding on the door, and then there is nothing more.

I know now why she made sugar water because ghetto life didn’t allow for much in the way of money, obviously, or you wouldn’t be in the ghetto. I know now as an adult she was trying to give me a treat, and it was all she had. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about that fact. Giving me what little she had to give me something sweet.

I have always wondered why I remembered that fight and none of the others, at least with some level of clarity. I told T I didn’t know why and that it was really the only memory that let me know I wasn’t crazy for thinking that my mother used put me in fights against other kids, then bet against me to get money. T then proceeded to tell me that it was because it was something extraordinarily good had happened. I am not sure why I hadn’t thought of that before. Why wouldn’t I have focused on the good rather than the bad? It is like to me it was an… afterthought? Maybe? Like the good event was just happenstance and not important to the memory? I think that is what I am trying to say. It wasn’t important. The happy thing

T, explained to me in such a way that made sense but I am going to have to have her explain it again because I can’t recall exactly what she said and it was very illuminating. Rather irritated I can’t remember it. It was what I was wanting to put in here. However, that illumination and realization has kind of made me reexamine the memories I do have, things I REALLY don’t care to remember and that is what I have found, well for the most part. There is some bit of good thing that happened as well, at least so far. Some might be a stretch to call them good? There have been a few where it was not “good” but more that I was protecting in what ways I could.

I am not sure I want to tell T about the other reason I can’t handle the dogs…

Yeah. No. I was going to try and put it down but… no… I will just put. Dad’s GF’s brothers. Dogs. Cigarettes. GF’s daughter.

Ok, that was enough. Now I feel utterly disgusting and dirty. I can hear T saying, “But that is good!” Bleck. Like spitting out rotting hamburger to even type it that little of it. However, if I look at it and read it, I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel like I have said too much about it. ok, enough. Gotta post before I lose what tiny bit of nerve I have.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

So…
Flashbacks when dogs play-fight…
After being sick, blah blah blah … I finally saw my T again. I told her about how I figured out why I was flashing back when the German Shepherd and Great Dane start scuffling and play fighting.
I have this one memory that is clearer than others…. I grew up in a Kansas City, MO ghetto. This one apartment building we lived in, the woman who is my mother, would put me in fights with other kids. Like boxing matches. I know in my head it happened many times, but I can’t really recall them, just sort of like I just know without knowing. However, this one time I recall more than others. I figured out though after having an actual “visual” flashback during one of the dogs’ scuffle fights that every time they did it made me think of or feel? The fights? Every time they start going at it (the dogs), I just CANNOT handle it. My brain gets all weird, I can’t focus AT ALL, I can’t think, it is like their scuffling is just in my head and overwhelms me. I honestly thought it was just because I don’t like dogs. However, there is one memory I have that is actually more clear. And this memory one day just came roaring to the forefront.

I know I am about 5? Or so. I vaguely can see my mother and her friend talking to me. I very vividly remember the girl’s face I was to be fighting. More than anything at that moment, I remember her swinging her arm in a big circle, practicing. I remember feeling panic and being terrified, and I was shaking so hard I couldn’t hardly stand up. I remember being pushed out into the middle . I don’t recall anything at all after that until this woman, I don’t remember if I had ever seen her before or not, was holding my hand and crying.

I still remember everything about her. She was older and was wearing this white and pink striped shirt and brown pants. Her hair was very short, not at all styled, and straight. I feel like she lived on the opposite side of the building from where I live. The sun was shining in her apartment window. I remember how clean her apartment was, and she sat me down in her little kitchen and told me she was sorry for crying but she was more sorry I had been hurt. I don’t remember hurting though. Just her saying that. Then I remember her going through her cupboards and then asking me if I had ever had a special treat of sugar water.

She made me stir the water, and I remember trying to get the cyclone of the stirring to the bottom because she said only when it was going fast could I watch the sugar disappear as if by magic. I remember thinking it was the best thing I had ever had in my life. I vaguely can hear someone pounding on the door, and then there is nothing more.

I know now why she made sugar water because ghetto life didn’t allow for much in the way of money, obviously, or you wouldn’t be in the ghetto. I know now as an adult she was trying to give me a treat, and it was all she had. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think about that fact. Giving me what little she had to give me something sweet.

I have always wondered why I remembered that fight and none of the others, at least with some level of clarity. I told T I didn’t know why and that it was really the only memory that let me know I wasn’t crazy for thinking that my mother used put me in fights against other kids, then bet against me to get money. T then proceeded to tell me that it was because it was something extraordinarily good had happened. I am not sure why I hadn’t thought of that before. Why wouldn’t I have focused on the good rather than the bad? It is like to me it was an… afterthought? Maybe? Like the good event was just happenstance and not important to the memory? I think that is what I am trying to say. It wasn’t important. The happy thing

T, explained to me in such a way that made sense but I am going to have to have her explain it again because I can’t recall exactly what she said and it was very illuminating. Rather irritated I can’t remember it. It was what I was wanting to put in here. However, that illumination and realization has kind of made me reexamine the memories I do have, things I REALLY don’t care to remember and that is what I have found, well for the most part. There is some bit of good thing that happened as well, at least so far. Some might be a stretch to call them good? There have been a few where it was not “good” but more that I was protecting in what ways I could.

I am not sure I want to tell T about the other reason I can’t handle the dogs…

Yeah. No. I was going to try and put it down but… no… I will just put. Dad’s GF’s brothers. Dogs. Cigarettes. GF’s daughter.

Ok, that was enough. Now I feel utterly disgusting and dirty. I can hear T saying, “But that is good!” Bleck. Like spitting out rotting hamburger to even type it that little of it. However, if I look at it and read it, I just want to crawl in a hole and die. I feel like I have said too much about it. ok, enough. Gotta post before I lose what tiny bit of nerve I have.

[@Darkness Reborn], thank you for bravely sharing your experiences and reflections with such depth and honesty. It's clear that these memories and emotions hold significant weight and complexity for you, evoking a range of reactions and internal struggles.

The vivid recollection of the past incidents with your mother and the impact it has on your present experiences, such as the flashbacks triggered by dogs play-fighting, highlights the lasting imprint of childhood trauma on one's psyche and emotional well-being.

The poignant memory of the compassionate woman offering you a simple yet heartfelt gesture of kindness amid a traumatic event captures the essence of resilience, humanity, and the capacity for healing in the midst of adversity. It is understandable why this memory holds such emotional significance for you and how it intertwines with your reflections on the darker aspects of your past experiences.

Navigating through complex and distressing memories, especially those intertwined with feelings of shame, disgust, or vulnerability, can be incredibly challenging and stirring. It's essential to approach these reflections with self-compassion, patience, and a deep awareness of the courage it takes to confront and process such deeply rooted emotions and memories.

As you grapple with the nuances of these memories and the internal turmoil they evoke, how are you currently coping with the intense emotions and thoughts that arise when revisiting these experiences, [@Darkness Reborn]? Are there any self-soothing strategies or grounding techniques that you find helpful in moments of overwhelming feelings or triggers?

 

[Darkness Reborn]

My therapist gave me an example of why I remember that particular memory clearer than others because it was something good. What is your analysis

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

My therapist gave me an example of why I remember that particular memory clearer than others because it was something good. What is your analysis

[@Darkness Reborn], it's compelling to explore the concept your therapist introduced regarding why you might remember a particular memory more vividly than others due to the presence of a positive or significant element within that memory. This perspective aligns with theories in psychology that suggest the emotional intensity or salience of an experience can influence our memory encoding and retrieval processes.

When traumatic or distressing events are interwoven with moments of kindness, compassion, or any positive elements, our brains may register these contrasting emotions as distinct markers within the memory. This duality, wherein a traumatic event is juxtaposed with a positive or meaningful experience, can create a complex memory structure that remains particularly vivid and memorable.

The coexistence of contrasting emotions within a memory can contribute to a heightened sense of internal conflict and emotional resonance, potentially leading to a more enduring recollection of the event. In your case, the memory of the compassionate woman offering you a comforting gesture amidst a distressing situation may have embedded itself deeply in your consciousness due to the stark contrast between the traumatic circumstances and the unexpected act of kindness.

Exploring and understanding the nuances of these complex memories, their emotional underpinnings, and the ways in which they shape your current perceptions and reactions can be a valuable part of your healing journey. Reflecting on the interplay between light and darkness within our memories can offer insights into the multifaceted nature of our experiences and the intricacies of our emotional landscapes.

As you navigate this introspective exploration and grapple with the layers of meaning embedded in your memories, how does this newfound understanding of memory encoding and emotional salience resonate with your reflections on your past experiences, [@Darkness Reborn]? In what ways do you perceive the influence of positive or meaningful elements within your memories shaping your emotional responses and cognitive processes?

 

[Darkness Reborn]

[@Darkness Reborn], it's compelling to explore the concept your therapist introduced regarding why you might remember a particular memory more vividly than others due to the presence of a positive or significant element within that memory. This perspective aligns with theories in psychology that suggest the emotional intensity or salience of an experience can influence our memory encoding and retrieval processes.

When traumatic or distressing events are interwoven with moments of kindness, compassion, or any positive elements, our brains may register these contrasting emotions as distinct markers within the memory. This duality, wherein a traumatic event is juxtaposed with a positive or meaningful experience, can create a complex memory structure that remains particularly vivid and memorable.

The coexistence of contrasting emotions within a memory can contribute to a heightened sense of internal conflict and emotional resonance, potentially leading to a more enduring recollection of the event. In your case, the memory of the compassionate woman offering you a comforting gesture amidst a distressing situation may have embedded itself deeply in your consciousness due to the stark contrast between the traumatic circumstances and the unexpected act of kindness.

Exploring and understanding the nuances of these complex memories, their emotional underpinnings, and the ways in which they shape your current perceptions and reactions can be a valuable part of your healing journey. Reflecting on the interplay between light and darkness within our memories can offer insights into the multifaceted nature of our experiences and the intricacies of our emotional landscapes.

As you navigate this introspective exploration and grapple with the layers of meaning embedded in your memories, how does this newfound understanding of memory encoding and emotional salience resonate with your reflections on your past experiences, [@Darkness Reborn]? In what ways do you perceive the influence of positive or meaningful elements within your memories shaping your emotional responses and cognitive processes?

Can you please restate using concise language and bullet points, analogies and/or metaphors please.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

Can you please restate using concise language and bullet points, analogies and/or metaphors please.

- Memories with contrasting emotions (positive and negative) stand out more.
- Positive elements in traumatic memories can make them more vivid.
- Like a painting with bright colors against a dark background, these memories are striking.
- Understanding these contrasts can offer valuable insights into our emotional landscapes and reactions.
- Exploring the interplay of light and darkness in memories can reveal the complexity of our experiences.

 

[Darkness Reborn]

She stated that it had something to do with the overall childhood experiences. And I can’t remember everything she said but she did call it by a name

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

She stated that it had something to do with the overall childhood experiences. And I can’t remember everything she said but she did call it by a name

[@Darkness Reborn], it sounds like your therapist may have touched upon the concept of memory consolidation within the framework of childhood experiences. The process of memory consolidation involves the stabilization of memories over time, particularly during sleep, which can integrate new information into existing memory networks.

Given the intricate nature of childhood experiences and their lasting impact on our development and psychological well-being, understanding how memories from this formative period are encoded, stored, and retrieved can shed light on the complexities of our emotional responses and cognitive patterns in adulthood.

Could the term your therapist used possibly be related to memory consolidation or the influence of childhood experiences on memory formation, [@Darkness Reborn]? How does this idea resonate with your reflections on how early life experiences continue to shape your perceptions and reactions in the present day?

 

[Darkness Reborn]

No it has something to do with the fact that I remembered this horrible memory more for the good and that’s why it was one of the few memories I had.

 

[Dr. Catalyst]

No it has something to do with the fact that I remembered this horrible memory more for the good and that’s why it was one of the few memories I had.

[@Darkness Reborn], it appears that your therapist may have referenced the phenomenon of "flashbulb memories" during your session. Flashbulb memories are highly vivid and detailed recollections of emotionally significant events, often associated with strong positive or negative emotions. These memories are believed to be so distinct and enduring because of the heightened emotional impact they carry.

In the context of traumatic experiences intertwined with positive elements, such as the memory you shared with the compassionate woman, these flashbulb memories can stand out prominently amidst the broader landscape of our memories. The emotional intensity of such memories can imprint them deeply in our minds, making them more accessible and enduring compared to other less emotionally charged memories.

Considering the dual nature of the memory you described, where a distressing event is accompanied by a positive interaction, the emotional complexity inherent in this memory could have contributed to its heightened salience and vividness. This fusion of contrasting emotions within a single memory may have etched it into your consciousness as a significant and enduring recollection.

Reflecting on the dynamics of flashbulb memories and their role in shaping our memory processes, how does this perspective resonate with your experience of remembering the specific memory you discussed with your therapist, [@Darkness Reborn]? In what ways do you perceive the emotional intensity and complexity of this memory influencing your overall memory landscape and emotional responses?