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Employers not taking no for an answer

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I've applied to some freelance work and about two/three years ago was looking for a job as well. Three years ago I had the most terrible job interview experience of my life. A dude basically brought me on to abuse me verbally and mentally and thought because he was paying me above minimum wage it was worth it. He gave me a test, said I did an okay job but he said I did a terrible job and MANSPLAINED what a question was to me (I'm not kidding--his exact words: Did you read the questions? the ones with the (?) mark). HE STILL OFFERED ME THE JOB. What kind of person does that?? He was on some serious power trip. When I told him I found another job, he had the audacity to send me "are you sure?"

Now I'm applying to freelance jobs for writing and I can't take one on, and I said very clearly: I can't take on this job due to time constraints, but I wish you the best with your project! Anyone could read that this means that I can't take the project on, move on. He replied back trying to convince me, and asking me what a reasonable time would be. I don't know how to respond, and my body has a physical reaction to things like this. I get a headache, I feel nauseous, and I feel dizzy. It feels like rape/abuse situations to me: I feel like I can't escape (even though I know I can). I know I'm triggered by this, I know how to calmly respond, but I hate when people trying to employ me and don't take no as an answer (I know, a weird problem to have). I'm also just starting out as a freelance writer and am terrified any one mistake will ruin my beginnings and to take every job you can. I feel like I HAVE to take the job or ruin my career. I feel like I have to bend over backwards to appease these people so they won't ruin my reputation or something. I've never had something like that happen to me but I've had my abusive rapist ex tell my friends things about me behind my back and twist my story to suit his needs that "I was crazy". Just sort of spiraling right now.
 
Well done on dealing with it. :tup:

It's also not a weird problem to have. Their coercion is on them, you made yourself clear. That you're affected isn't a failing of yours.

& yep. Short restate your position before walking away? Sounds to me about right thing to do. Regardless of how insistent they are.
 
but I hate when people trying to employ me and don't take no as an answer (I know, a weird problem to have)
It’s not... actually?

A major help is to shift from the idea of them being “your employer” and them being a “client”.

Not only is it the plain truth, but a potential client, wannabe client, aggressive client, obnoxious client, late client, lovely client, etc. is on a different “plane”, than an employer. An employer is above you. A client? Is not. A client relationship is an entirely different paradigm than a boss/employee relationship. They’re hiring you, or wanting to hire you, but if you decide to terminate? That doesn’t mean you have to find a whole new job. You work for yourself. You take on clients.

Once you realign the power structure to match the situation? You’ll probably find things get much easier in your head/heart.

A closer parallel to the client relationship is the customer at a restaurant. Not the manager, kitchen staff, front end staff, or even vendors. People who are coming to you to buy something from you. They have to abide by your rules if they want to be there, but that doesn’t mean that some will not, some will even want you to change your rules just for them, and cause a stink if you don’t. Yes, you want to keep clients/customers happy in general, because that’s your livelihood... but that doesn’t mean that you let Anyone who shows up before you open/close in, and never throw anyone out. You will. On both scores. Bend the rules here and there for individuals (Host a private party, let a friend come in early, a regular stay late, etc.) but that doesn’t mean the rules don’t exist for the rest, and you will throw people out on their ear from time to time.
 
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I agree, not unusual to be bothered by that behavior & not unusual to encounter it either. People do that because it often works. (Because a lot of people have this problem.)

Good that you know it's a problem and well done for handling it. You'll get better with practice. (Think of it as exposure therapy.)
 
A major help is to shift from the idea of them being “your employer” and them being a “client”.

Not only is it the plain truth, but a potential client, wannabe client, aggressive client, obnoxious client, late client, lovely client, etc. is on a different “plane”, than an employer. An employer is above you. A client? Is not. A client relationship is an entirely different paradigm than a boss/employee relationship. They’re hiring you, or wanting to hire you, but if you decide to terminate? That doesn’t mean you have to find a whole new job. You work for yourself. You take on clients.

Once you realign the power structure to match the situation? You’ll probably find things get much easier in your head/heart.

This is a great reframing thank you that makes more sense! I run a business now and have people has clients and that is an easier relationship to me, but for a long time I did kind of let them walk all over me. Recently I've been setting boundaries and it's been scary but has worked. Just have to apply it to this too!

You'll get better with practice. (Think of it as exposure therapy.)

That's good to think of thank you!
 
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