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I want to change all this. I want to go back to being 5 years old, scream out what was happening. If they won't step up to the plate on their own, force them to protect me. Instead, I shoved it down and hid it like I was taught. Every year through elementary was the same routine. That many years of being trained as to what I came to believe would be expected of me throughout life. I was groomed, given whiskey w lots of sugar in it, candy, praise, and attention. I was not getting anything positive out of my family life, and he knew I was emotionally damaged already, so I was perfect.

I came from a family of 9 siblings and both parents. Home life couldn't have possibly been more dysfunctional. The constant yelling, fighting with no love really. I felt detached early in life - that coupled with sexual abuse forced me into a small world. A world full of fear, doubt, panic, secrets, nightmares. He loved me just a little too much. When I think of those days with him my breath is sucked out of me, at least that's how it feels when I feel like I'm going to explode. Hold the exhale, wait, don't forget to breath. When I think how someone else's desires are more important than another's life. Not a day, but an entire life. Gone. Day after day, week after week, months, years, and now decades.

How many years were spent trying to FIX ME. What? 45 years? How many psychiatrists, psychologists, acupuncturists, oh so many in the medical field from nurses to doctors of all kinds - and all the self-help groups. How many medications have I been on - countless? Decades of medications that really weren't doing me much good if at all. How much money have I wasted trying to FIX ME? I continued to do what I was taught in life. I never got the mandatory memos for living life. I was in fight or flight mode at all times. A life run by fear doesn't allow for planning. If a person is always running, when does she plan for the future? I was convinced my life would be cut short. Run, panic, fear and depression. Numb.

When she is in so much pain she heads for the bottle and doesn't let up until she sees the bottom. Numb out, don't feel, push it away. It allows her enough courage to go out and do what she was taught. "Why does she always go back to drinking?" White knuckle it, fake it til she makes it, but she can't. "It happened so many years ago, let it go" Because she knows she isn't worth anything. Early teachings. She's supposed to be a "good girl" but thinks she owed anyone who did anything nice for her. How obvious was the truth? She lived two lives, both filled with fear.
 
I was in fight or flight mode at all times. A life run by fear doesn't allow for planning. If a person is always running, when does she plan for the future? I was convinced my life would be cut short. Run, panic, fear and depression. Numb.

Yes, this is true.

I am sorry for what you have been through, but glad you are here. Being here 'is' doing something positive for yourself.

Welcome to you.
 
Welcome! Much of your story is mine also. If I could just 'fix me'. If only. I wish I didn't understand, for both of us. If I could just get good enough, things would change. I would change.

Very powerful post. Many here are going to relate and understand, And I would like to say, that tho you may not have gotten the desired result from all the meds, Dr's, ect, You never gave up on yourself. Hoping to find the right combination of this and that to change things. But you never gave up.

Glad you are here, if not glad for the reasons. I hope you find this community of like minded and like experienced people, a new beginning. You may feel empty, but your words are full of passion. I understand.
 
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