Empty Shell

Bitter Pill

Confident
I want to change all this. I want to go back to being 5 years old, scream out what was happening. If they won't step up to the plate on their own, force them to protect me. Instead, I shoved it down and hid it like I was taught. Every year through elementary was the same routine. That many years of being trained as to what I came to believe would be expected of me throughout life. I was groomed, given whiskey w lots of sugar in it, candy, praise, and attention. I was not getting anything positive out of my family life, and he knew I was emotionally damaged already, so I was perfect.

I came from a family of 9 siblings and both parents. Home life couldn't have possibly been more dysfunctional. The constant yelling, fighting with no love really. I felt detached early in life - that coupled with sexual abuse forced me into a small world. A world full of fear, doubt, panic, secrets, nightmares. He loved me just a little too much. When I think of those days with him my breath is sucked out of me, at least that's how it feels when I feel like I'm going to explode. Hold the exhale, wait, don't forget to breath. When I think how someone else's desires are more important than another's life. Not a day, but an entire life. Gone. Day after day, week after week, months, years, and now decades.

How many years were spent trying to FIX ME. What? 45 years? How many psychiatrists, psychologists, acupuncturists, oh so many in the medical field from nurses to doctors of all kinds - and all the self-help groups. How many medications have I been on - countless? Decades of medications that really weren't doing me much good if at all. How much money have I wasted trying to FIX ME? I continued to do what I was taught in life. I never got the mandatory memos for living life. I was in fight or flight mode at all times. A life run by fear doesn't allow for planning. If a person is always running, when does she plan for the future? I was convinced my life would be cut short. Run, panic, fear and depression. Numb.

When she is in so much pain she heads for the bottle and doesn't let up until she sees the bottom. Numb out, don't feel, push it away. It allows her enough courage to go out and do what she was taught. "Why does she always go back to drinking?" White knuckle it, fake it til she makes it, but she can't. "It happened so many years ago, let it go" Because she knows she isn't worth anything. Early teachings. She's supposed to be a "good girl" but thinks she owed anyone who did anything nice for her. How obvious was the truth? She lived two lives, both filled with fear.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
I hope writing will help me out. . So I was taking ineffective meds for all that time and years before that. I'm pissed. I've started numerous diaries throughout my life. I get to page six or so, and that's about it. My Mom read my diary when I was fourteen. It was my first one, and actually probably the longest. I have a real hard time putting my feelings on paper now, but this might work. It's only been 11 months since I've started familiarizing myself with this diagnosis. It's overwhelming to the point of not being able to function. PTSD was on my med charts 20+ years ago, but no one addressed it, and I thought ok, whatever, they'd also diagnosed me Bi-polar and that's what they all treated me for all these years. I'm pissed.

I was number 6 of 9 kids. I was the youngest daughter w 2 older sisters. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive. His father was a predator and I certainly wasn't his first. My Mom was as weak as I've become. I put up with abuse just as she did. I stick out shitty relationships to the bitter end. I don't think I've fully accepted the fact that they didn't protect me. I've had several relationships and even more one night stands. I did what I was taught.

I'm just coming to terms with what happened when I was just that little girl at age 5. The abuser knew how screwed up the family was. It was perfect for him. He knew I wouldn't tell anyone - I was scared, mostly that someone would find out, and I don't think I wanted to loose the booze because I already was in love with it. The adults thought it was cute how I got ditzy after drinking out of their beer cans. I don't think there was a lot of booze around, I sought it out. It blows my mind that a child would seek out relief from the fighting, yelling, confusion, and sex with alcohol. Instant alcoholic. It was a shit show. I just knew I was getting attention, liked the booze, candy and money. Bad attention is better than no attention I guess. It seems I was groomed to become a whore? Prostitute? I never felt that way because I was in denial about how many men I slept with, and now I wish I would have made them pay. I thought I was hiding the sex from most people, but truthfully, I really thought I was living life the way every one else did.

Over the years I've thought of one incident in particular that little girl went through. I have shoved it out of memories over and over. It's finally come to roost. My family didn't take vacations, but there were two outings I remember, one more vivid than the other. My dad, along with his father, my Mom and the rest of the clan went to the mountains. I actually got lost where I didn't see or hear anyone. For years I've told those therapists of all kinds that I was actually happy I was lost. It was really more like relief. I may have had a clue as to what the drive home would be like.

The drive home was several hours. It was night and the little girl kept looking for the moon because that's what the little girl did. I always wished I lived on the moon for that matter. But, I was in the middle between my dad who was driving and his father who was in passenger seat. That dirty old man had his hand down my pants the whole way home. I guess what I've questioned over the years why didn't my dad stop him. I've come to a conclusion - I was thrown under the bus. I believe he gave his father a green light on that trip. He had to have seen it. So many times I've driven at night and I can see what's happening to my right. Even though without street lights, I can still see.

The abuse went on for several years. I found out recently that his father got a niece pregnant, sometime before I was born. So I question why my parents would even allow him around their daughters. Maybe because he spent 2 years in prison, he was all better? Never mind that niece or every other girl he destroyed. I get it - we know a lot more about pedophiles and how they work today than back in the day, 1960 when it started, but still I'm so hurt they didn't protect me. Only now can I admit it's the truth.

I'm very angry and sometimes get in a rage, which leads to shame and embarrassment. Also, I have meltdowns every where I go. Grocery stores, bank, doctors, friends, strangers - everyone really - they've all been exposed to my not-so-pretty side. I feel like a bully at times. The strange thing is that I don't remember most of it when it happens. I don't know why I blow up like I do. I don't know how to deal with all this information that comes flooding in, and then the guilt is overwhelming. I need help.
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
I hope writing will help me out. . So I was taking ineffective meds for all that time and years before that. I'm pissed. I've started numerous diaries throughout my life. I get to page six or so, and that's about it. My Mom read my diary when I was fourteen. It was my first one, and actually probably the longest. I have a real hard time putting my feelings on paper now, but this might work. It's only been 11 months since I've started familiarizing myself with this diagnosis. It's overwhelming to the point of not being able to function. PTSD was on my med charts 20+ years ago, but no one addressed it, and I thought ok, whatever, they'd also diagnosed me Bi-polar and that's what they all treated me for all these years. I'm pissed.

I was number 6 of 9 kids. I was the youngest daughter w 2 older sisters. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive. His father was a predator and I certainly wasn't his first. My Mom was as weak as I've become. I put up with abuse just as she did. I stick out shitty relationships to the bitter end. I don't think I've fully accepted the fact that they didn't protect me. I've had several relationships and even more one night stands. I did what I was taught.

I'm just coming to terms with what happened when I was just that little girl at age 5. The abuser knew how screwed up the family was. It was perfect for him. He knew I wouldn't tell anyone - I was scared, mostly that someone would find out, and I don't think I wanted to loose the booze because I already was in love with it. The adults thought it was cute how I got ditzy after drinking out of their beer cans. I don't think there was a lot of booze around, I sought it out. It blows my mind that a child would seek out relief from the fighting, yelling, confusion, and sex with alcohol. Instant alcoholic. It was a shit show. I just knew I was getting attention, liked the booze, candy and money. Bad attention is better than no attention I guess. It seems I was groomed to become a whore? Prostitute? I never felt that way because I was in denial about how many men I slept with, and now I wish I would have made them pay. I thought I was hiding the sex from most people, but truthfully, I really thought I was living life the way every one else did.

Over the years I've thought of one incident in particular that little girl went through. I have shoved it out of memories over and over. It's finally come to roost. My family didn't take vacations, but there were two outings I remember, one more vivid than the other. My dad, along with his father, my Mom and the rest of the clan went to the mountains. I actually got lost where I didn't see or hear anyone. For years I've told those therapists of all kinds that I was actually happy I was lost. It was really more like relief. I may have had a clue as to what the drive home would be like.

The drive home was several hours. It was night and the little girl kept looking for the moon because that's what the little girl did. I always wished I lived on the moon for that matter. But, I was in the middle between my dad who was driving and his father who was in passenger seat. That dirty old man had his hand down my pants the whole way home. I guess what I've questioned over the years why didn't my dad stop him. I've come to a conclusion - I was thrown under the bus. I believe he gave his father a green light on that trip. He had to have seen it. So many times I've driven at night and I can see what's happening to my right. Even though without street lights, I can still see.

The abuse went on for several years. I found out recently that his father got a niece pregnant, sometime before I was born. So I question why my parents would even allow him around their daughters. Maybe because he spent 2 years in prison, he was all better? Never mind that niece or every other girl he destroyed. I get it - we know a lot more about pedophiles and how they work today than back in the day, 1960 when it started, but still I'm so hurt they didn't protect me. Only now can I admit it's the truth.

I'm very angry and sometimes get in a rage, which leads to shame and embarrassment. Also, I have meltdowns every where I go. Grocery stores, bank, doctors, friends, strangers - everyone really - they've all been exposed to my not-so-pretty side. I feel like a bully at times. The strange thing is that I don't remember most of it when it happens. I don't know why I blow up like I do. I don't know how to deal with all this information that comes flooding in, and then the guilt is overwhelming. I need help.
(I AM SORRY IF ANY TRIGGERS HERE. I'M NOT SURE HOW TO WRITE IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT EVERYONE'S IS...? AREN'T MOST THINGS GOING TO AFFECT SOMEONE OUT THERE?)
 

Bitter Pill

Confident
(11.15.18)

I hyper-focus (obsess) and I don't seem to be able to turn off this feature in my brain. It's usually when I've been ripped off or blamed or not having done the 'right' thing. I got the worst haircut I've ever had a few days ago and paid 80 bucks for someone to butcher me. (Is that considered assault with a deadly weapon?) I've spent 3 years growing some length so I could get a decent cut after a not-so-good one 3 years ago. It's something that makes me batshit crazy. It's so messed up.

I can't believe it's back to square one. My neighbor saw my hair and didn't say it looked shorter or looked good, instead she said to me "That's going to take a while to grow that out." What a mess. It feels like pure trauma. I used to do hair and I have never seen anything like it and I've never had a worse haircut. This takes the cake. She didn't give me a style! I knew what I wanted, and that is one that works with my hair, but she drifted off into her own little world, ignoring anything I was saying...."blah, blah, blah is what I think she heard. I'm furious and don't know how to handle the anger! wow. (don't forget to breathe)

Now I have to take them to small claims court because they refuse to refund what I paid, and are now lying and saying they gave me money back. I can prove I was at appointment at the time they claim the refund was issued. I don't think they thought of that scenario - me busy when I was supposedly pickin' up the big bucks. They're lying. What a hassle. As if all those courtrooms fighting w abusive father of my son wasn't enough for a lifetime? *sigh* At times I seriously want to give up. to I try to stay alive for my son. I think it would be considered emotional abuse, nothing but cruelty leaving him without a Mom - one he didn't see to much after he set me up and he made good on his threat, "I'm gonna get ownership of my boy!" I would say it was instant fight or flight I felt at that moment, because it never seems to go away.
 
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Bitter Pill

Confident
This has not been a very good day. I'm still really on edge and irritated. My husband of three years is probably NOT the best person for me to be with. He reminds me so much of my dad. It is what it is. I don't have many choices, the furthest I got was almost finishing nursing school. Instead of a diploma I earned a big student loan - thousands of dollars. I never held any of the many jobs I worked for long. My paranoia I guess, and always suspicious someone is against me, talking about me, putting me down. I was always thinking I might be fired so I leave - always causing a bad scene, much like all those relationships. I go insane when I've been rejected.

I'm new here, but have been diagnosed for 25 years but the doctors never addressed it. Since I rarely ask the right questions if any, when I saw it on my record I let it go. No one said anything about it, they apparently felt more competent treating me for bi-polar disorder instead. Maybe too much 'work' to treat another symptom? All those years, all those pills, all that money. And here I sit right now, in lots of panic. I need help. Literally every symptom that anyone mentioned here is something I go through. Why couldn't just ONE of those medical professionals put two and two together? Seems as though I've been talking about all these symptom forever.

I suffer from extreme social inhibition and it's all gotten so much worse over the last couple of decades. I'm not fun to be around by any means. I've been 'dark' since I can ever remember, as a child, everything was so scary and I learned to survive with all the fear that was instilled in me. There was no one to talk to, and my eight brothers and sisters were never supportive, totally messed up scene at home. A family with no closeness, no encouragement, no support. Why couldn't we be a loving family. It could have been so much better, and I could have done more than just survive all my life. I would have been success at a lot of things. Instead I was always running, disappearing, in fight or flight mode and panic. As I'm writing this I'm trying to push the panic down. I need help. It's so much to handle. I'm tired of crying and having meltdowns literally everywhere I go. I hate this. No relief. Damn him. I'm so angry.

I'm losing my mind. I need help.
 
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Bitter Pill

Confident
I don't know what I'm doing here really - I only mean, I don't know how to chat, or postings, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to reply or start a new thing here.
Do you have a therapist or anything you see regularly? Anyone you can reach out to? I'm sorry you've gone through so much awful stuff. :(

Thank you. I need more help than I am finding. I'm totally broken and I'm burning a lot of bridges around town. I keep flipping out on people, then I realize it sometime later, like what did I do that for? I've been looking for 3 years since I got married, and moved out here. I thought this was a pretty cool place, until I moved here. I am so discouraged with the medical quacks who I put so much trust in. I have taken a billion pills in my life. I know my life is shortened because there is no way this steady stream of medications, along with all the stress, anxiety, and panic has taken a toll. Our bodies are not designed to take so much stress. My thoughts are allover the place, my mind is racing with panicky thoughts, and I'm obsessed about a couple things right now. I'm losing it. I'd pray but it doesn't seem to help and if there is a god....I'd ask a lot of "why" questions.
 
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