K
kola
My boyfriend of 11 years is an EMS pilot. He works 14-day rotations at different bases around the country. During his 14 days off duty each month, he lives at my parents’ home with me (we’ve never had our own home, but he has been looking for the past 4 years, to no avail).
I developed a chronic illness 5 years ago that has been progressing. My immunologist stated a major factor in the development and progression of my illness is the moldy flood home I’m living in. My parents refuse to remediate, and my boyfriend has been under a lot of pressure to try to find us a home in this crazy housing market. My parents are also abusive, so this too affects my well-being. My disease involves multiple severe airborne triggers, making hotels or apartments off limits.
A few years ago, my boyfriend worked at a location that was extremely distressing, and he began experiencing symptoms of PTSD (withdrawing and spending all his time in the garage when he was here, declining my sexual advances and pushing me away, choosing not to go with me on walks). He began shouting and having angry outbursts on occasion.
Since then, he has been becoming increasingly distant. I had a flare up related to my illness that lasted all summer, and I was stuck in bed most of the time. He began denying me all forms of affection (not wanting to hug me, cuddle, kiss me, hold my hand) and stated the reason for his lack of interest was my depression due to my struggles with my illness. I experienced a period of depression for several months earlier on in our relationship, and he never withdrew affection from me then. I also struggle with anxiety related to my own PTSD from childhood trauma, and he has always been very helpful, kind, and supportive in that regard. He readily shows affection to our dog, to the point of sleeping in our dog’s bed and cuddling with him instead of with me when the dog chooses not to sleep with us.
As soon as fall arrived and my flare ended, he began helping his mother move into a senior living apartment in his home state. He was only here for a couple days per month, but he would surprise me with local ice cream and pizza from restaurants he knows I like from there and call me almost every day.
One of his childhood friends died of cancer a year ago, and one of the patients he transported around the one-year anniversary this summer was also dying of cancer, just like his friend had, and looked exactly like her. He thought it was his friend coming back to tell him goodbye.
He has been struggling with insomnia recently, and he has also been sounding depressed at times. He knows he has a problem but says he cannot seek therapy or medication because he will lose his job if he gets diagnosed with anything. He tried to talk with a friend’s wife who is a psychologist, but he said she looked really freaked out by some of the things he shared.
2 months ago, before Thanksgiving, one of his best friends from high school (he is 50 years old) was involved in a domestic violence situation where her boyfriend, who she had just ended a long-term relationship with, attacked their roommate with a knife and then fatally shot himself in front of her. My boyfriend took leave from work to go stay with her for a week, claiming he and other friends took turns staying at her home for support. I did not hear from him for 6 days while he was there, and he only returned here one day to fix my car and spend time with our dog before he returned to work. When I asked why he didn’t return my calls all that week or reply to my text asking if he was okay, he answered, “My mind has been here.” He said the patients he works with are “just meat” but when someone in his personal life witnesses the things he has to deal with, it’s very upsetting to him.
We share an Amazon account, and I noticed that immediately following her boyfriend’s death, my boyfriend has been sending things to her address in his name (a new bed, doormats, a kitchen knife, a perverted light switch cover, reading glasses, and a book on recovering from toxic relationships). I have not shared with him that I know this, but I have asked him if he is in love with this woman, if he is moving in with her, and if he was going to spend Christmas with her. He replied, “She has been my best friend for most of my life”, “She doesn’t have a garage” (he wants a house with a garage), and swore expletives regarding where he was going to spend Christmas.
He has only seen this woman once per year when he goes to his hometown over the holidays to visit his family, but he has always been fond of her.
Last month, he blew up at me during a phone call, announcing he was not going to spend Christmas with me this year for the following reasons:
1) He doesn’t know how to help me with my health situation, he is tired of my depression, he feels he cannot find a house “good enough” for me (I turned a house down he found over the summer that had a huge garage in his preferred location because it was in a flood zone. It is vital I avoid flood houses due to my illness, but he refused to believe this house floods because only the garage was marked on the flood map; directly beside the house).
2) He claims I don’t really love him and am only with him because he’s convenient. I have no idea where this came from because he’s been away more than half of the time for the past several years. He has told me for years that the man I was dating before him was “the one” because he was settled in his life, and I should’ve chosen him.
3) He cannot “fall down after me into a pit of misery” like my father did after my brother died because nothing was ever good enough for my mother, so he became depressed and let the house fall into a state of disrepair. It is utterly untrue that my father’s issues have anything to do with my mother or that nothing is good enough for her; his issues are his own, but somehow, my boyfriend falsely believes my mother is the cause of them. He also thinks my father is angry at him for not fixing more things at our house (this is not true). My brother died long before I met my boyfriend, so he has no idea regarding that dynamic.
4) His parents are getting older, he needs to continue helping his mom move into her apartment, and his father has a possible health issue he has been hiding. They aren’t going to be here forever.
I asked if he did not want to be with me and is unhappy with me because of my disease, and he replied that he is unhappy with himself, and it is because of him. He said he is one medical away from losing his career and he has never had a place to call home (he has avoided settling down his entire adult life until the past 4 years when he has tried to find us a home; there were other affordable options he refused to consider because they were not in his preferred state and he’d have to pay higher taxes and part with some of his gun collection. He turned down an affordable rental from a friend years ago before I got sick for this same reason.
He also said he has been missing me for a long time, and he needs a partner but doesn’t know how to help me. When I asked I he still loves me, he stopped shouting and calmly replied, “I think I do.”
He sent me an e-mail letting me know he would be showing up several days later to take our dog to the vet. He showed up, took our dog to the vet and on a hike, ate dinner with me, left gifts for my family, and promptly left that night during a snow storm. He said he would most likely be staying at his dad’s house. He texted me photos of our dog on their hike during his drive there, and then e-mailed me a brief Merry Christmas and a few other very short things during the week he was there. I did not initiate contact, but replied to his messages.
I called him on New Year’s Day and he was headed back to work. He said he had spent most of the week moving his mom into her apartment and spent a little time with his dad and friends. I mentioned taking a day trip with our dog to a park the next time he was here and he said, “perhaps” which is his usual reply.
2 weeks passed and I didn’t hear from him. He called my dad at work on his birthday and had a normal conversation with him. I called him the next day to thank him for a toy he had sent to our dog. He sounded happy to hear from me but was very brief and hung up after 4 minutes (he was on shift refueling). I asked how long he would be at work and he said, “for a while”. His company is short a few pilots, and he was non-confirmative as to whether he would see me this month for that reason.
He made a grocery pickup order on our Amazon account for his hometown earlier today, so I know he is there staying at that other woman’s house again. He is ignoring my calls. I sent a text asking if I should assume our relationship is over, but he has not replied.
He has never cut off contact with me until immediately after this woman’s boyfriend died (her mother had just died the month before). As soon as he got to her house, he stopped contacting me and began ignoring my calls. He said she was coping fairly well and despite the trauma of that week, “there was also a lot of good” and it was nice to be in a less stressful environment than with me because he needs hope, and he doesn’t have hope for much of anything.
He had advised her to break up with her boyfriend because he was showing signs of becoming dangerous. I’m not sure if he is planning on starting a relationship with her (or if he already has, instantly following her boyfriend’s violent death, which would seem extremely erratic and creepy) and leaving me, if he feels guilty or responsible in some way for her boyfriend’s death because he suggested she break up with him which led to this situation, and he is trying to take care of her and wants to stay with her while she adjusts to make sure she is okay, if he is using her for a free place to stay near his family so he can avoid the ongoing pressure of buying his own house, if he is in love with her or if this is still a platonic thing…but this situation seems very bizarre and out of character for him. He is always looking to help people, but he has never avoided me before or lived with someone else while we have been together, been vague, deceitful, or cut off contact with me. Until now, I have never questioned his integrity or his character. His behavior is extremely hurtful, disrespectful, confusing, and distressing to me. I never anticipated or experienced anything like this from him before over the past 11 years. My family and best friend are also shocked and confused. Before this, he has always been devoted to me and supportive, though it is obvious he has been struggling with PTSD for a long time.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you make of what is going on here, knowing of his untreated PTSD and other stressors in his life? (including my chronic illness, pressure to find us a house, his mother moving, his dad’s potential undisclosed health issue, his mention of being one medical away from losing his career, being under staffed at work, one of his friends dying a year ago, and this woman’s recent domestic violence event).
I developed a chronic illness 5 years ago that has been progressing. My immunologist stated a major factor in the development and progression of my illness is the moldy flood home I’m living in. My parents refuse to remediate, and my boyfriend has been under a lot of pressure to try to find us a home in this crazy housing market. My parents are also abusive, so this too affects my well-being. My disease involves multiple severe airborne triggers, making hotels or apartments off limits.
A few years ago, my boyfriend worked at a location that was extremely distressing, and he began experiencing symptoms of PTSD (withdrawing and spending all his time in the garage when he was here, declining my sexual advances and pushing me away, choosing not to go with me on walks). He began shouting and having angry outbursts on occasion.
Since then, he has been becoming increasingly distant. I had a flare up related to my illness that lasted all summer, and I was stuck in bed most of the time. He began denying me all forms of affection (not wanting to hug me, cuddle, kiss me, hold my hand) and stated the reason for his lack of interest was my depression due to my struggles with my illness. I experienced a period of depression for several months earlier on in our relationship, and he never withdrew affection from me then. I also struggle with anxiety related to my own PTSD from childhood trauma, and he has always been very helpful, kind, and supportive in that regard. He readily shows affection to our dog, to the point of sleeping in our dog’s bed and cuddling with him instead of with me when the dog chooses not to sleep with us.
As soon as fall arrived and my flare ended, he began helping his mother move into a senior living apartment in his home state. He was only here for a couple days per month, but he would surprise me with local ice cream and pizza from restaurants he knows I like from there and call me almost every day.
One of his childhood friends died of cancer a year ago, and one of the patients he transported around the one-year anniversary this summer was also dying of cancer, just like his friend had, and looked exactly like her. He thought it was his friend coming back to tell him goodbye.
He has been struggling with insomnia recently, and he has also been sounding depressed at times. He knows he has a problem but says he cannot seek therapy or medication because he will lose his job if he gets diagnosed with anything. He tried to talk with a friend’s wife who is a psychologist, but he said she looked really freaked out by some of the things he shared.
2 months ago, before Thanksgiving, one of his best friends from high school (he is 50 years old) was involved in a domestic violence situation where her boyfriend, who she had just ended a long-term relationship with, attacked their roommate with a knife and then fatally shot himself in front of her. My boyfriend took leave from work to go stay with her for a week, claiming he and other friends took turns staying at her home for support. I did not hear from him for 6 days while he was there, and he only returned here one day to fix my car and spend time with our dog before he returned to work. When I asked why he didn’t return my calls all that week or reply to my text asking if he was okay, he answered, “My mind has been here.” He said the patients he works with are “just meat” but when someone in his personal life witnesses the things he has to deal with, it’s very upsetting to him.
We share an Amazon account, and I noticed that immediately following her boyfriend’s death, my boyfriend has been sending things to her address in his name (a new bed, doormats, a kitchen knife, a perverted light switch cover, reading glasses, and a book on recovering from toxic relationships). I have not shared with him that I know this, but I have asked him if he is in love with this woman, if he is moving in with her, and if he was going to spend Christmas with her. He replied, “She has been my best friend for most of my life”, “She doesn’t have a garage” (he wants a house with a garage), and swore expletives regarding where he was going to spend Christmas.
He has only seen this woman once per year when he goes to his hometown over the holidays to visit his family, but he has always been fond of her.
Last month, he blew up at me during a phone call, announcing he was not going to spend Christmas with me this year for the following reasons:
1) He doesn’t know how to help me with my health situation, he is tired of my depression, he feels he cannot find a house “good enough” for me (I turned a house down he found over the summer that had a huge garage in his preferred location because it was in a flood zone. It is vital I avoid flood houses due to my illness, but he refused to believe this house floods because only the garage was marked on the flood map; directly beside the house).
2) He claims I don’t really love him and am only with him because he’s convenient. I have no idea where this came from because he’s been away more than half of the time for the past several years. He has told me for years that the man I was dating before him was “the one” because he was settled in his life, and I should’ve chosen him.
3) He cannot “fall down after me into a pit of misery” like my father did after my brother died because nothing was ever good enough for my mother, so he became depressed and let the house fall into a state of disrepair. It is utterly untrue that my father’s issues have anything to do with my mother or that nothing is good enough for her; his issues are his own, but somehow, my boyfriend falsely believes my mother is the cause of them. He also thinks my father is angry at him for not fixing more things at our house (this is not true). My brother died long before I met my boyfriend, so he has no idea regarding that dynamic.
4) His parents are getting older, he needs to continue helping his mom move into her apartment, and his father has a possible health issue he has been hiding. They aren’t going to be here forever.
I asked if he did not want to be with me and is unhappy with me because of my disease, and he replied that he is unhappy with himself, and it is because of him. He said he is one medical away from losing his career and he has never had a place to call home (he has avoided settling down his entire adult life until the past 4 years when he has tried to find us a home; there were other affordable options he refused to consider because they were not in his preferred state and he’d have to pay higher taxes and part with some of his gun collection. He turned down an affordable rental from a friend years ago before I got sick for this same reason.
He also said he has been missing me for a long time, and he needs a partner but doesn’t know how to help me. When I asked I he still loves me, he stopped shouting and calmly replied, “I think I do.”
He sent me an e-mail letting me know he would be showing up several days later to take our dog to the vet. He showed up, took our dog to the vet and on a hike, ate dinner with me, left gifts for my family, and promptly left that night during a snow storm. He said he would most likely be staying at his dad’s house. He texted me photos of our dog on their hike during his drive there, and then e-mailed me a brief Merry Christmas and a few other very short things during the week he was there. I did not initiate contact, but replied to his messages.
I called him on New Year’s Day and he was headed back to work. He said he had spent most of the week moving his mom into her apartment and spent a little time with his dad and friends. I mentioned taking a day trip with our dog to a park the next time he was here and he said, “perhaps” which is his usual reply.
2 weeks passed and I didn’t hear from him. He called my dad at work on his birthday and had a normal conversation with him. I called him the next day to thank him for a toy he had sent to our dog. He sounded happy to hear from me but was very brief and hung up after 4 minutes (he was on shift refueling). I asked how long he would be at work and he said, “for a while”. His company is short a few pilots, and he was non-confirmative as to whether he would see me this month for that reason.
He made a grocery pickup order on our Amazon account for his hometown earlier today, so I know he is there staying at that other woman’s house again. He is ignoring my calls. I sent a text asking if I should assume our relationship is over, but he has not replied.
He has never cut off contact with me until immediately after this woman’s boyfriend died (her mother had just died the month before). As soon as he got to her house, he stopped contacting me and began ignoring my calls. He said she was coping fairly well and despite the trauma of that week, “there was also a lot of good” and it was nice to be in a less stressful environment than with me because he needs hope, and he doesn’t have hope for much of anything.
He had advised her to break up with her boyfriend because he was showing signs of becoming dangerous. I’m not sure if he is planning on starting a relationship with her (or if he already has, instantly following her boyfriend’s violent death, which would seem extremely erratic and creepy) and leaving me, if he feels guilty or responsible in some way for her boyfriend’s death because he suggested she break up with him which led to this situation, and he is trying to take care of her and wants to stay with her while she adjusts to make sure she is okay, if he is using her for a free place to stay near his family so he can avoid the ongoing pressure of buying his own house, if he is in love with her or if this is still a platonic thing…but this situation seems very bizarre and out of character for him. He is always looking to help people, but he has never avoided me before or lived with someone else while we have been together, been vague, deceitful, or cut off contact with me. Until now, I have never questioned his integrity or his character. His behavior is extremely hurtful, disrespectful, confusing, and distressing to me. I never anticipated or experienced anything like this from him before over the past 11 years. My family and best friend are also shocked and confused. Before this, he has always been devoted to me and supportive, though it is obvious he has been struggling with PTSD for a long time.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? What do you make of what is going on here, knowing of his untreated PTSD and other stressors in his life? (including my chronic illness, pressure to find us a house, his mother moving, his dad’s potential undisclosed health issue, his mention of being one medical away from losing his career, being under staffed at work, one of his friends dying a year ago, and this woman’s recent domestic violence event).