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I'm not sure why I actually start this, I was sometimes close to do so, but didn't make it. I just write, it's maybe going to be a mess but maybe can help me when I reread it.
In my introduction I missed some details. During the relationship I started to abuse painkillers to get along with me and my life. I really need to stop this, I hoped they could give me joy/feel happier /able to enjoy things but they couldn't. I felt like I could maybe trying to have some affair/ get a gf/bf or whatever and tried to find some nice pictures of me but I look so damn unhealthy, also I noticed that when the relationship started to go downhill I took almost no pictures anymore. The ones I like are most recent when I still had hope for us, which are pretty old by now:/
I missed so much in the relationship and when I tried to work on it I got the full narcissistic program, from silent treatment to gaslighting everything.
I feel so weak, I mailed him several times during the last week knowing I should get no contact (I mailed him barely before and every time I felt bad about like I lost again versus him, maybe a few mails until this week) , yet I didn't manage to block him for more then a few hours. I think it's the cognitive dissonance that betrays my sense, today I read his last mails toward me and wondered how he could be so heartless towards me. It feels for me that I have been in love with a con artist, I most likely the person he reflected towards me and was never/rarely able to be with his real persona. Which he most likely always hide because of his childhood. Is it a strong trauma bond? I was so naive and thought if I just love him enough I can heal him. He unblocked me, but I don't know when, he was reading my messages but never leaves a response. I was cheated twice and found out randomly about, so I'm not sure how often he actually did or if anything he said about was the truth. The last months been the nightmare, I found out about when I Googled after the things he is doing to me and they appeared to be all narcissists traits. He told me different, that he is diagnosed ptsd and antisocial. I have no clue, but since the trust was broken, I started to doubt him and he probably felt my behavior towards him changing also. I got some warm words from him during our last days and he told me some stuff that really has me concerned about him and after 2 days of no contact I contacted the place where he lives and asked if he is well. I guess that's the reason why I don't get hoovered. I found out about more lies, the guy said he don't know about me and I told him I'm his gf and that his sister was told about me. His reaction was so scary and it was so spontaneous, even if he barely answered me I will never forget this : he was "which sister are you talking about?" he created relatives that don't exist apparently:/ if I write this, I don't know why I have to think so often of him and wanting him to come back and get everything good. The happy end. Until close to the end he would daily say he loves me, but I questioned that. His words and actions didn't matched.
Today I think that he maybe someone else, a new source? I'm not sure because he could talk about his nerd stuff and other shit and could go on and on and on but barely talk about feelings. I think this is why I suffer so much, because I don't know if this relationship was just one sided or if he ever had any feelings for me.
He changed some of his behavior during the last months to show me he was working on himself and for us, but for reasons this felt after some time as I would be his mother, like going to sleep together etc having our good night ceremony and his way of communication. I fear that I might have done him wrong but I think the chance is very low that I do so, facts just point me on. What I also don't know if he is kinda responsible for his acting or if it's his npd? I don't like it, because I can't give him this diagnosis, but his tortured soul.
We had very few talks that felt really real, the moments when I had the impression he is himself and honest to me. He said that he feels emotionally numb and that's why he would get so much time from me as he needs to "heal" but since after the lovebombing I was withhold intimacy etc I started to suffer :/
Two situations came up in my mind during the past days, which kinda shocked me, one of them I had quite a hard time to remember.
I think it Dame up intrusive. The day we had sex or what I would think what would lead to sex, but he might played just a game? He decides for us? We were tender and he asked me to get a bj. I don't really like that and he knows that as well but he also knows that I do it for him to pleasure him. But it was awkward, normally he would never ever let me do it until I dislike to give. I was waiting that he takes the initiative and we get to other stuff, but he didn't. I asked him several times if he had enough, trying to give him a signal that I would prefer.. But he didn't. He said I shall continue and that it's quite fine how I'm doing. He finished off and was done for the night, god it was so frustrating and if Ivthink now about it I feel a shame that I wasn't able to say no. If he played games on me then it's clear for me that the relationship was never real. I hoped that I would get closure or a change but he isn't giving it to me. I suffer, because we had also so much beautiful moments but when stuff like this comes up I'm totally confused about it. There are so many more moments, I really have no idea what's behind.
I should get over it but I can't.
It's hard for me to get to the point, it doesn't feel for me that anything got better, even we had no contact since September 2019.

A thing that gave me a little hope was when I was researching, how could I get in a relationship like this?
I think that due my inner child (have set to learn about that) I have very big problems to build relationships with people, only had one serious relationship before I made several attempts but for reasons I couldn't really emotionally attach to them and more. I need to work on this if I really want to get happy in this life, I really feel socially awkward often times. Sometimes I just wanna escape and run away and when I can't I start it goes all downhill and I feel tortured.
I feel worthless and lost every self confident, which was barely in my possession before and has always been a problem in my life. I'm never self confident and feel insecure when I'm around other people. He took that away from me and I felt loved (sometimes, because after the love bomb it went hot cold and so on, maybe he even waited for me to cause those discussions to get narcissistic fuel, idk:/)
Sometimes I just wanna end all of this and stop suffering. I cant commit suicide its no option, but I pleased God so often to take"me home " and end my suffering.

In some days I wanna chsnve it, I'm trying to get in new contacts wanna Form a relationship and date, I'm riding a emotional Rollercoaster, unfortunately it's most of the time feeling like it's going downhill all the time.
I didn't mention this in my introduction because I also have big troubles being a M2f transsexual which still had no gender reassignment surgery, but I think the time until that can happen is endless, and I also got good news that my doc changed the clinic and I don't hsve to pay it out of my own pocket, but his old staff didn't mange me to tell about and so I lost half a year being on their waiting list for the wrong doctors. Can't change it hsve to get along I guess. Can't wait for the day I'm post op.

Also the stuff related to csa seems to be real, something triggered me a few days and I had a flashback again, first time I more then shades, saw his disgusting body in front of me. I want them to be gone and take tilidine to bear with that stuff that comes up from childhood. I also started to take sertralin eve quite a while back after I stopped it on my own sometime last autumn. I'm not sure if it helps, led toward me drying quite often, which I barely was capable to do before.
Idk, god I wrote such a mess but maybe it helps. I just wanna get as lucky as I can and I wanna fight, I won't give up.
Best of wishes Raphaela


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Seems I have been slow at posting, omg how much wrote >.<

Further edit:
I almost forgot something that means much to me. I was last week with my mum together cand saw my family the first time after the lock down in Germany. I couldn't talk much but open a bit and she was there, sometimes she got close to me and I just shut my eyes and she started to caress me. It felt so good, I cant just give up yet, she told me from her own experience and tried to encourage me to start counseling again. I will, after I move I guess :/ yet I'm scared to be with a therapist that I don't feel comfortable with like the last time


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I guess it's much to read and hard to understand, I'm confused right now, I feel really relieved, can't remember when I did this the last time before.