Episodes of Sobbing, Anger, SI, and Dark Thoughts

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whiteraven

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So, I have these episodes--which are better than they used to be, but they are still bad--that I am completely unable to manage. I end up sobbing, intensely angry, suicidal or at least wanting to cut, and having very dark thoughts.

It feels like I have no control over my reaction to certain things. The most recent episode was yesterday--my doctor ordered a CPAP for me in August and I only got one call about it, a voicemail that said they were calling my insurance company. I checked, and they didn't call (at least until much later), and I tried to reach the company repeatedly to get a status on the order, but nobody would return my call. I finally reached them, they quoted me a price that I would need to pay on pick up but gave me no other info.

I was super upset because I still didn't have it by end of year (my deductible had been paid up), and they still weren't returning my call, so I reached them through the contact us form on their website. Oh, and guess what? It was ready. Yeah...BS. Anyway, I went to pick it up yesterday, and it was a lot more than they quoted, AND I was required to do autopay for that amount and the monthly rental.

I was livid. But moreso, I think this was just the last straw. It made no difference to anyone whether or not I could pay for it, whether I had something I could use for autopay, that they had been completely dismissive for the five months it took to get the stupid thing. And I lost it.

I have an extreme distrust for the medical field--the people, the "sureties," the treatments. And this most often happens with medical stuff because the system is completely broken and has no interest in actually taking care of patients.

I avoid medical stuff at nearly all cost--I only go if I absolutely have to. It's the only way I can manage and stay safe. I need to figure out, though, how to manage these awful episodes when they *do* happen--I've never felt as bad as I do during these times.

Discussion/suggestions welcome.
 
I think this was just the last straw.
Stress cup, right? It’s handy to know about the stress cup, and how we need to empty it out because with ptsd on board it’s always precariously full and…but, every single time it overflows can feel like the very first time.

I don’t have much I can often right now (my own personal stress cup overfloweth!), except to say I hear you.
 
I totally understand your frustration with the medical field. I also understand that stress cup overflowing too. And your reaction.

I have reacted similarly to medical mishaps, one particularly with a $500 medication refill. (insurance didnt share how it works unless you ask the right question). Anyway, reading your post, I remember so well though its been awhile.

For me, I have to drill reality into myself. That monkey on my shoulder is my enemy, and I have to change the statements. While I have issue with medical stuff for example, its my earlier beliefs that really put me over the edge. (I dont matter, my safety and health is not important, nobody cares) Those things may even be true, but I matter, my health and safety is important and I care. If this is not applicable to you, please disregard.

I do hope you figure out how to get your cpap and feel better.
 
Stress cup, right? It’s handy to know about the stress cup, and how we need to empty it out because with ptsd on board it’s always precariously full and…but, every single time it overflows can feel like the very first time.

I don’t have much I can often right now (my own personal stress cup overfloweth!), except to say I hear you.
Definitely stress cup, but mine seems to fill all at once. I mean, things may have been building in this situation, but sometimes I feel like things are going along ok and then BAM!!! Holy crap.
 
emotional channeling is my front line tool for managing such episodes. if i'm depressed, i might channel the sadness into singing sad songs. for anger, i might go demolish that sofa i don't want any more and break it into pieces small enough to fit into trash bags. when i am anxious and/or confused is a good time to turn the compost pile. the next step typically becomes evident to me once i've vented (emptied my cup) far enough to think straight once more.

steadying support while you find what works for you.
 
While I have issue with medical stuff for example, its my earlier beliefs that really put me over the edge. (I dont matter, my safety and health is not important, nobody cares)
Very much relate to this and the overwhelm that @whiteraven also feels with medical and insurance industrial complex. What you said @brat17 about it being linked to your earlier beliefs is particularly insightful. I wonder if the medical money stuff cuts to the old core beliefs because of how sickness is one of our earliest vulnerabilities in life and is related to our relationships with our family of origin caregivers?

Either way it’s a terrible feeling. I think @Sideways gives good advice about being extra sensitive to stress cup and self nurturing, as much as possible.
 
While I have issue with medical stuff for example, its my earlier beliefs that really put me over the edge.
I think mine is cumulative. I never had big issues with medical stuff when I was really young, but beginning when I was about 20, I started with medical problems and the godawful care that is medicine. While I had a couple of good doctors, most of my experiences I've had since then have been terrible. And besides the specific instances, I've become acutely aware of the lack in our health care system (and not just that, but I don't want to write a book here). I've come to distrust anything that folks claim is "proven" (because give it a year, and something else will come along to disprove it). It feels that so many people are being taken because they don't understand that nothing is written in stone. It scares me, it makes me angry. And I can't escape it because it's the same with so very many things.

I started a book of essays a few years ago on all of this and on ways people can change how we view and manage the healthcare system. I'm thinking that maybe putting some energy back into that might help. Writing often helps dispel the anger. Thanks for the reminder!
 
Buy a pool noodle or something like that. Non destructive and you can beat the hell out of things without wrecking stuff.

I find too many times its rumination that turns that anger on and finding things you can throw yourself into is one of the best ways of dealing with it because you break the rumination cycle.
 
OliveJewel and whiteraven, for me the early childhood stuff wasn't directly related to medical stuff as far as I can tell, but related to lousy caregivers. I am thinking that as adults, we reach out to medical staff because we need help that only they can provide. We are at their mercy. As a child, we need the adults to meet our needs very early in life. If the youngest age you can remember, you were neglected, you were likely neglected before then as well. (assumption but likely accurate). So I remember being hungry and my mother not waking up to feed me and trying to do it myself. I remember waking up late at night, and my mother left and went to a bar and left me in the house alone, about age 3-4. So its not a far stretch to figure that getting a diaper changed or being fed when needed didn't happen. Kind of instills I can't trust anyone to take care of my needs that are things I cant do for myself. And to a small child, not unreasonable to think, I dont matter, not good enough, nobody cares, not lovable, etc. So maybe related to medical at a young age, could just as well interpret all the messages into a "theme" that is self critical. Thats just my take on it, and something that I learned thru therapy about myself long ago. I had many better years when this stuff didnt bother me. Then a change that created new traumas and my feelings are back.
 
Good point, @brat17 — as infants we were completely dependent on our caregivers for our own bodily needs, which were completely wrapped up in emotional needs. As adults we are generally only dependent on others for our bodily needs with medical stuff, which can trigger those old helpless feelings.
 
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