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even consensual sex gives me flashbacks?

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jackques

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Hello, just looking for some opinions here, or any empathy if people can relate. I had sex with my partner a while back, and it was completely enjoyable and consensual, negotiated, etc. But now, every time I so much as think about it, I get flashbacks that feel just as distressing as the flashbacks I get from remembering my sexual abuse!

This is upsetting because obviously I don't want to conflate my experiences with my partner with my sexual abuse, or feel as much destress as I do over something I enjoyed. Should I take a break from anything sexual in the meantime, while I'm figuring things out? I won't be able to see my therapist for a few more weeks, so the issue is managing it until then.

Many thanks
 
You could see it as conflating experiences, or as making new memories and teaching your body that no, the same touch, from someone else, in a different situation, is something totally else.

Whether to take a break or not is your call, and only your call, none way about it is a bad one.
 
I think there is a lot of empathy here for that! One thing to consider is that when we are mildly exposed to something that is triggering and we go through it and discover that nothing bad happens (including our memories of it), that can be good exposure therapy. But if on exposure the flashbacks are so bad that we go back to the past and can't see that nothing bad happened, then we are out of our window of tolerance, and the experience can be frightening and damaging.

Do you know where that line is for you? Not just for the sexual time itself, but the memories afterward, too?

Remember, too, that sexuality is anything from holding hands to hours-long sex. There may be some activities that give you comfortable memories, some that are bit uncomfortable but manageable, and some things that just don't work right now. Knowing which is which can help give you some stability before you see your therapist.
 
I think there is a lot of empathy here for that! One thing to consider is that when we are mildly exposed to something that is triggering and we go through it and discover that nothing bad happens (including our memories of it), that can be good exposure therapy. But if on exposure the flashbacks are so bad that we go back to the past and can't see that nothing bad happened, then we are out of our window of tolerance, and the experience can be frightening and damaging.

Do you know where that line is for you? Not just for the sexual time itself, but the memories afterward, too?

Remember, too, that sexuality is anything from holding hands to hours-long sex. There may be some activities that give you comfortable memories, some that are bit uncomfortable but manageable, and some things that just don't work right now. Knowing which is which can help give you some stability before you see your therapist.


this was a really helpful comment, thank you. The more I think about it, the more sense it's beginning to make as to why I'm experiencing these flashbacks afterwards. I think I have a tendency to rush ahead because having a "normal" relationship is so desirable, but maybe I should slow down for now and not do things just because I think i should.

Thank you, you gave me a lot to think about ?
 
slow down for now and not do things just because I think i should.
Yes, often abuse makes us conform to expectations. It’s too difficult to navigate our needs if we are taking away from someone else. Sometimes how the training goes.
it’s easier to give in than ask for what we need, especially if there were negative consequences attached.
I don’t have advice, but I get it.
It take so much work to deal with. If your partner is patient, it helps so much to ease things. But communication goes a long way to build that patience....it’s difficult.
 
I think I have a tendency to rush ahead because having a "normal" relationship is so desirable

But communication goes a long way to build that patience....it’s difficult.

Sex was absolutely terrifying to me when I was in my teens/early twenties. I'm now going back and re-imagining what it would be like if I spoke up for what I wanted and what I was ready for. Going slow is one of the things I really want, even just imagining how things can be different.

It's an interesting exercise to think about what's truly desirable, for you and your partner individually, without any pre-conceived notions of what sexuality "should" look like.
 
Yes, sex with my wife, even when it is healing and wonderful, triggers me. So this isn't something only you struggle with,
obviously I don't want to conflate my experiences with my partner with my sexual abuse
Your traumabrain, unfortunately, can't tell a difference.

I don't have any advice for you. If it turns into a terrible experience, it might be worth not doing until you can get to the therapist.
 
Yes, sex with my wife, even when it is healing and wonderful, triggers me. So this isn't something only you struggle with,

The OP was saying, I believe, that she has flashbacks of good sex, not flashbacks during good sex. That is, when she thinks of good sex she had in the past, she has flashbacks. This is a bit different than having flashbacks during sex.
 
That is, when she thinks of good sex she had in the past, she has flashbacks.

Nah.

Because

I get flashbacks that feel just as distressing as the flashbacks I get from remembering my sexual abuse!

... Means flashbacks of two kinds.

Ones that were sexual abuse.

Ones that are to something else.
Both brought forward by the same sex act, or, just thinking of it.

In every case, in a thread how to overcome flashbacks, brought on by X sexual issue... flashbacks of any sort related to sexuality, may still be topical.

Random is not misreading, where I am standing.
 
Yes, sex with my wife, even when it is healing and wonderful, triggers me. So this isn't something only you struggle with,

thank you for your reply. i appreciate knowing that other men struggle with similar things... it can be extremely disheartening when even healthy consensual experiences are triggering. and being a guy doesn't make it any easier when you're "supposed" to be sex-crazed according to society. it's all really difficult to navigate, but ty for the empathy
 
it can be extremely disheartening when even healthy consensual experiences are triggering. and being a guy doesn't make it any easier when you're "supposed" to be sex-crazed according to society
Agreed with all of the above. I still have a lot of trouble with all of it.
 
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