Even for not being a Trekkie, feeling much like the Borg right about now...

Just mulling things, feeling the need to write then...

Recently I'd caught up with someone I vaguely knew - someone else thought oriented to reading, to study, to something akin to independent scholarship or self-styled intellectual pursuits. Given my isolation, perhaps I hoped for too much in relation to the sharing of insights and reflections rooted in material read, things related to what became of whom and when across a gap of perhaps ten years. An effort was made to reach out to me with reference to some event on a calendar, and hence I thought perhaps it was o.k. to discreetly inquire about this and that, share thoughts rooted in some materials recently read, etc., without threatening overwhelm.

It could be said that perhaps I prefer writing or the sharing of notes and letters versus face-to-face conversation, treasuring if you will the opportunity to carefully put my thoughts all in a row, while it does seem I evidence greater confidence and conviction for writing versus informally speaking or chatting. Anyhow, to take time to write much of anything takes some effort as I'm not always 'on', not always capable of affording sustained focus consistent with putting my thoughts into some reasoned order, etc. Perhaps I too should be more charitable towards others, although it's distressing to visit this social media platform and that only to notice that not so much is clearly written, that emphasis is placed on the what might be termed a clipped and punchy style not exactly meant to last for the ages, etc. Indeed - it can be construed as downright rude and certainly stuffy to write more than a sentence in response to most anything posted.

I don't know - I just feel crushed when in a manner of speaking, those I contact or write decline to 'play' - or find some other means to refuse engagement. I read my material (however construed, however framed) and feel 'ready' to engage others conversationally, but then I what comes back suggests I'm just so much unwanted work or a workload undesired. Connections that might have been made earlier or cultivated over time to mature into something more substantive didn't gel, didn't materialize - and now I have precious little. My '40-45 minute' therapy sessions - or rather my 'rent a friend' doesn't exactly do much for me, whereas to just exist in what seems a vacuum of culture without strict ties to anyone who will tolerate my company frankly sucks. Why must I always 'throttle down'? Why can't I find an environment where I might almost unconsciously 'throttle up' without provoking stares?

Both returning to and summing up with my post title reference, some scholars of old would keep a human skull atop a bookcase - a reminder of one's mortality; i.e. stark evidence that one is afforded only so much time to make their mark however that might be construed. As for me, I recently visited an overstocked hobby store with shelves packed with Star Trek memorabilia of fairly recent vintage. One item seemed particularly appropriate - and perhaps better for me than the usual life philosophy detritus of an actual human skull on the mantle top or wherever. I was looking at a scale Next Generation Borg Cube...

Maybe this is the orientation; i.e. to join the Borg? I'd have to sharply reduce my expectations of others consistent with not expecting much in the way of reciprocal curiosity, fellowship, friendship, the stuff of a possible alliance, or God help us all - a relationship of any kind. Instead the idea would be to pump the other party consistent with yielding from them their inspirations, their favorite writers, book titles, theorists, films, and key influences however manifest. Nothing else can be expected - hence flatter them royally and assimilate their knowledge forthwith! Hope and the associated messy aspects of actually holding out faith for a better way to negotiate 'social space' is just so human, so passe you see. Better then to squeeze others of their value and move on. Resistance is futile!

M. K.
 
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