Eventful session, before and after

GreySouled

Learning
Hi, everyone.

So, I headed to therapy with the intention of sharing some triggery/flashbacky-type little things that happened during the week (like my daughter pushing my inner thigh slightly with her foot, resulting in immediate shooting V pain, etc). At the time, these always feel important enough to share with T, proof that the CSA/R happened. But then when it gets time to get into the car and drive up there on Thursdays, I get so nauseous and queasy, and sometimes don't share anything.

This past Thursday, as I got closer (I had taken the scenic route), intense nausea, heavy chest pressure, like something was pushing me back; then I got lightheaded. Whenever I intend on bringing some new information to T, I always feel like she's going to be made at me or hate me, tell me (or think to herself) that I shouldn't be telling her this. Anyway, just before the left turn onto the main road, an old model Crown Victoria (commonly used as a police vehicle here) with the long antenna on its trunk got in front of me and then made the last left turn before the light turned red. For some reason, being behind this vehicle reminded me of the 80's/90's police cars and being that young, which suddenly filled me with fear and more nausea. (I don't have any issues with the police). Then I think I actually started dissociating (or something?) behind the wheel! I started drifting into the intersection some because I couldn't feel my foot on the brake, had to reapply to stop. My vision was all wonky, had to keep opening my eyes bigger to focus. Light turned green, made the left turn and scalp started tingling. Made it safely to the parking lot in front of her office and took a minute to journal and try to ... not be so wobbly. (It wasn't my blood sugar as I had just eaten before I came).

When she took me back into her office, I was surprised to still be in the same state. I told her what happened, described how I was feeling and she began writing it down. My speech was slowed, felt weird like I had swirling air (?) all over my skin, mouth was dry even though I was chewing gum. Anyway, as we began talking I calmed down, felt back to normal. T expressed to me that it's always "extremely, extremely important" that I come in and share those things that come up, because those smaller parts have been carrying the emotion and physical pain for all these years and they need help. So, that made me feel better re: that aspect.

So then after the session (which I was grounded upon leaving), I headed to go get some gas several exits down on the way home. During session we had worked with parts (IFS) and T asked me if this particular part (a combination of my abused part and attachment/orphan part) could say what she wanted to tell her person, what would it be? I immediately knew: all the ways and times that that filthy R*ist came into contact with that little girl and invaded her body. BUT I couldn't say it out loud and told her as much. Anyway, during the ride home I began to try and mentally say what all that was and again I began slipping away BEHIND THE WHEEL! I could visualize this man (whom I strongly suspect is my aunt's then husband) up close to me and instantly feel all the things in my body everywhere and had to clench up so that he couldn't get in. And again, a very solid something or someone pushing me back, like a heavy stone feeling on my chest/abdomen. While simultaneously trying not to instinctively push the images and sensations away and at the same time not crash my car, my vision kept zooming (like you see in a movie where the camera pans so that the road seems to stretch) and getting dim so that I had to keep opening my eyes. For the first time I actually had to grab something, a beautiful rose quartz a nice lady gave me in group therapy, and handle it to keep focused. As soon as I felt okay and put it down, it would start again (which in itself was validating, but good grief, not while I'm driving!)

I haven't really had a chance to process what this even was because that night, as I already couldn't sleep, a frigging BAT, like the actual mammal, woke me up flopping around on the floor in my bedroom of all places at 3am! I HATE bats, can't even look at a picture of a bat, the animal I'm afraid of most and it was in my actual bedroom making its horrible noises. Fortunately my dad came and removed it, but now I have no peace in my body or my home which feels like it's been violated and ruined. Actually bought a tent and air mattress, and my daughter and I slept in it downstairs in my office with every light in the house on. But I mean, every corner or hanging towel or curtain or squeak or bump in the night ... I am so paranoid and scared, and all I get are people thinking its funny. I swear, this is so ironic and resemblant of all my issues: I'm deathly, paralizingly afraid of something, not knowing where it's going to show it hideous face next, and the people I try to tell about it think it's funny or trivial. My dad even keeps laughing and said: "I thought you were stronger than that."

I just feel wretched. My body is tight, has been since the drive up to T on Thursday, and now my only sanctuary is defiled and ruined.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i'm a great admirer --from a safe social distance-- of bats, but having one flop around my bedroom floor at 3 a.m. would be a bit much for me. please increase your social distance, my furry friend. i hope you can forgive me a nervous giggle as i imagined the scenario.

but i found zero humor in the rest of it. my memories of that phase in my therapy remain entirely too vivid to see humor there. the good news is that i've come a long way in managing the effect when a new round emerges. the tools i learned in therapy work when i work them. the more skill i develop in using those tools, the shorter and more manageable the episodes seem to have become.

a tool one of my early therapists used to help me build my awareness of the symptoms i'd been minimizing for so long that i seldom remembered in our sessions was a log of when those symptoms arose between sessions, detail encouraged but not required. the goal was finding my strictly personal patterns. as the patterns emerged, we were much better able to find the tools which would work best for me.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case.
 
P

Paula

Hi, everyone.

So, I headed to therapy with the intention of sharing some triggery/flashbacky-type little things that happened during the week (like my daughter pushing my inner thigh slightly with her foot, resulting in immediate shooting V pain, etc). At the time, these always feel important enough to share with T, proof that the CSA/R happened. But then when it gets time to get into the car and drive up there on Thursdays, I get so nauseous and queasy, and sometimes don't share anything.

This past Thursday, as I got closer (I had taken the scenic route), intense nausea, heavy chest pressure, like something was pushing me back; then I got lightheaded. Whenever I intend on bringing some new information to T, I always feel like she's going to be made at me or hate me, tell me (or think to herself) that I shouldn't be telling her this. Anyway, just before the left turn onto the main road, an old model Crown Victoria (commonly used as a police vehicle here) with the long antenna on its trunk got in front of me and then made the last left turn before the light turned red. For some reason, being behind this vehicle reminded me of the 80's/90's police cars and being that young, which suddenly filled me with fear and more nausea. (I don't have any issues with the police). Then I think I actually started dissociating (or something?) behind the wheel! I started drifting into the intersection some because I couldn't feel my foot on the brake, had to reapply to stop. My vision was all wonky, had to keep opening my eyes bigger to focus. Light turned green, made the left turn and scalp started tingling. Made it safely to the parking lot in front of her office and took a minute to journal and try to ... not be so wobbly. (It wasn't my blood sugar as I had just eaten before I came).

When she took me back into her office, I was surprised to still be in the same state. I told her what happened, described how I was feeling and she began writing it down. My speech was slowed, felt weird like I had swirling air (?) all over my skin, mouth was dry even though I was chewing gum. Anyway, as we began talking I calmed down, felt back to normal. T expressed to me that it's always "extremely, extremely important" that I come in and share those things that come up, because those smaller parts have been carrying the emotion and physical pain for all these years and they need help. So, that made me feel better re: that aspect.

So then after the session (which I was grounded upon leaving), I headed to go get some gas several exits down on the way home. During session we had worked with parts (IFS) and T asked me if this particular part (a combination of my abused part and attachment/orphan part) could say what she wanted to tell her person, what would it be? I immediately knew: all the ways and times that that filthy R*ist came into contact with that little girl and invaded her body. BUT I couldn't say it out loud and told her as much. Anyway, during the ride home I began to try and mentally say what all that was and again I began slipping away BEHIND THE WHEEL! I could visualize this man (whom I strongly suspect is my aunt's then husband) up close to me and instantly feel all the things in my body everywhere and had to clench up so that he couldn't get in. And again, a very solid something or someone pushing me back, like a heavy stone feeling on my chest/abdomen. While simultaneously trying not to instinctively push the images and sensations away and at the same time not crash my car, my vision kept zooming (like you see in a movie where the camera pans so that the road seems to stretch) and getting dim so that I had to keep opening my eyes. For the first time I actually had to grab something, a beautiful rose quartz a nice lady gave me in group therapy, and handle it to keep focused. As soon as I felt okay and put it down, it would start again (which in itself was validating, but good grief, not while I'm driving!)

I haven't really had a chance to process what this even was because that night, as I already couldn't sleep, a frigging BAT, like the actual mammal, woke me up flopping around on the floor in my bedroom of all places at 3am! I HATE bats, can't even look at a picture of a bat, the animal I'm afraid of most and it was in my actual bedroom making its horrible noises. Fortunately my dad came and removed it, but now I have no peace in my body or my home which feels like it's been violated and ruined. Actually bought a tent and air mattress, and my daughter and I slept in it downstairs in my office with every light in the house on. But I mean, every corner or hanging towel or curtain or squeak or bump in the night ... I am so paranoid and scared, and all I get are people thinking its funny. I swear, this is so ironic and resemblant of all my issues: I'm deathly, paralizingly afraid of something, not knowing where it's going to show it hideous face next, and the people I try to tell about it think it's funny or trivial. My dad even keeps laughing and said: "I thought you were stronger than that."

I just feel wretched. My body is tight, has been since the drive up to T on Thursday, and now my only sanctuary is defiled and ruined.
Tell you therapist exactly what you expressed here. Things come up for a reason. Be kind to yourself.
 
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