Other Everything filtered through trauma lens, getting past it? Suggestions?

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I'm wondering how to "fix" this. Is it possible?

Trauma and disability seems to define my entire existance and all my perspectives, my likes, dislikes, preferences, opinions, etc, and I'm wondering if anyone here has found a way to transcend this, or just doesn't experience this and am I missing some profound (to me) wisdom that can help me, either come to terms with this, or move past it?

I, maybe, should add, that I don't really have a "before trauma" just a "more trauma" and only very recently, a very brief respite from added vicarious trauma (it's now a thing I deal with via my chidren's trauma that I've been learning about recently).

I realise this is a "sense of self" thing, but, due to my Aspergers/Autism on top of c-PTSD, which adds a layer of neural/nervous system intensity, I feel really stuck and maybe should just surrender to either an insular life or trying to forge some kind of vocation that embraces a life forged through traumatic stress and nervous system oversensitivities.

Any thoughts? I'm really scared, putting myself out here, "kicked dog syndrome" type scenario, so any kindness, understanding or acceptance would really help right now.
Thanks in advance for reading and/responding.🙂
 

Phoenix(not)

Learning
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. During my recovery, my psychiatrist encouraged me to learn Mindfulness techniques. I didn't really believe it was helpful but I was at least informed that mindfulness is a meditation technique. There are many books on this topic. For me, the life-changing event was a 10 day residential Vipassana Meditation course (paid by donating as little or as much as you care to). This was about 15 years ago. I still recall the moment I had finished the tenth day and was walking to my parked car wondering if it would help me. It did not take long for me to realize the technique had siginifant and profound positive effect. All acute symptoms left me - except the exaggerated startle response and the diminished memory-concentration difficulties. My psychiatrist has told me these are likely to be lifelong residual for physical reasons. I can only add that in another PTSD forum I belonged to several years ago, this experience was positively received by my peers and more than several actually went on to learn this technique and reported similar positive outcomes. If you're curious, do a google search to read about Vipassana.
 

Mach123

MyPTSD Pro
Hi yes I know this. I am getting over it a little or ? Idk, getting better? My filter is better meaning I can think, “they are not upset or angry or wanting to get me”. And when I go back wanting to justify why “it’s ok for me to be upset or triggered” I can sometimes think I don’t want to be triggered . It’s like a different, more considerate brain. This probably isn’t much help. It is better though? I feel better anyway lol. Like I’m not mad at you because I want to feel good. Or hurt or slighted or whatever. Substitute your favorite horrible feelings here. it sounds like positive thinking but it’s not it’s recognition of the trauma filter
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I'm sorry to hear of your struggle. During my recovery, my psychiatrist encouraged me to learn Mindfulness techniques. I didn't really believe it was helpful but I was at least informed that mindfulness is a meditation technique. There are many books on this topic. For me, the life-changing event was a 10 day residential Vipassana Meditation course (paid by donating as little or as much as you care to). This was about 15 years ago. I still recall the moment I had finished the tenth day and was walking to my parked car wondering if it would help me. It did not take long for me to realize the technique had siginifant and profound positive effect. All acute symptoms left me - except the exaggerated startle response and the diminished memory-concentration difficulties. My psychiatrist has told me these are likely to be lifelong residual for physical reasons. I can only add that in another PTSD forum I belonged to several years ago, this experience was positively received by my peers and more than several actually went on to learn this technique and reported similar positive outcomes. If you're curious, do a google search to read about Vipassana.
Thank you. Good reminder. I am familar with it. I actually have my first memories of people treating me with kindness and warmth being buddhist folk. My ma and I were staying in a Buddhist community. I think I was 7 but I might have still been 6.

What you are saying is very true.

As I was writing, I remembered my faith and how that helps. It was, actually the Dalai Lama who directed me towards the spiritual/religious path/direction that I am, now on. He said people gain more from the spiritual/religious tradition that they are born into rather than adopting one from another culture, and so he advised folk to cleave to their own culture's traditions rather than adopt one from another culture, but, mindfulness itself is just a practise, not, really, to do with a religion/spiritual tradition.

Being a vocalist for the bulk of my adult life helped me gain a larger degree of mindfulness, but, of course it is a lifetime's worth of practise and reminders which get us to a place of Presence and being mindful and rooted in the present moment.


I think, that you have inspired me to have a vocal jam (solo) in the shower thanks @Phoenix(not) 🙂.
 
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mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Hi yes I know this. I am getting over it a little or ? Idk, getting better? My filter is better meaning I can think, “they are not upset or angry or wanting to get me”. And when I go back wanting to justify why “it’s ok for me to be upset or triggered” I can sometimes think I don’t want to be triggered . It’s like a different, more considerate brain. This probably isn’t much help. It is better though? I feel better anyway lol. Like I’m not mad at you because I want to feel good. Or hurt or slighted or whatever. Substitute your favorite horrible feelings here. it sounds like positive thinking but it’s not it’s recognition of the trauma filter

Yes, this helps. Recognition is already working its magic. I can feel it transforming me and giving me back control 🙂.

It's something that I've, recently, become increasingly aware of and how debilitating it is and how avoidant I've become, and how over reactive I've become as a result. Quietly overreactive, for the most part, as I am an introvert and much more dorsal than fight, and more flight than fight.

I avoid and I hide, very turtle-like. I am making efforts to combat this, but it has become very debilitating, worse in the last few years and worse this year, due to lockdown and media and politics.

Plus, I avoided dealing with trauma for so many years, raising a giant family with no real support and a horrible, abusive, narcy partner, so it's only these last 3-4 years that things have settled down and I've started to do the deep dive into my troubling and traumatising past and some difficult present circumstances.

So symptoms: well, it's less dissociation and more learning and awareness and feeling and a huge sense of vulnerability that comes with feeling feelings and not, chronically, zoning out, so much and in chronic flight/work/busy-ness mode.

Thanks @Mach123🙂 Your input helps.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
I think, for me, being autistic/Aspergers IS fraught with traumatic overwhelm and isolation and exclusion and not being able to " get on the same page" with so many folk and ideas, values and paradigms they (the bulk of people I've ever met) espouse, is part of my "trauma lens".

The experiences of being abused, blamed, sexually expolited, terrified and brainwashed, assaulted, impregnated as a child (in my mind/psyche/cognitive development AND emotional development, although my body was developed) and violated, ignored, gaslit, invalidated and not given the helps I needed or the protection I needed for the majority of my life is part of this "trauma lens".

Ideas are VERY important to me, and ideas that I experience as wrong actually get experienced as painful and frightening to me.

Because I can't rely on being part of a group for comfort, I have to rely on my analytical mind/brain for comfort, and ideas from others that soothe me and are recognised as true and accurate are, maybe like how non-Aspergers/Autistic experience social rapport, they, the paradigms and concepts and beliefs are "my people".

So, I think this is part of my dilemma. I am sooooooo excruciatingly sensitive to ideas and concepts, while groups of people are threatening, overwhelming and perplexing to me unless our ideas and paradigms resonate.

I think I can come at relating to one person, but, I'm wary of any kind of group think. I have such a fragile sense of self, because of the dual c-PTSD and Aspergers/Autism, I am frightened of losing that tentative sense of self by getting overwhelmed by being part of any kind of group-think as I don't feel/experience oxytocin in any kind of non-autistic way, my conceptual self needs to have complete autonomy and individuality or I am utterly lost, as any kind of functional ego.

Thus is the dilemma of this dual diagnosis, in the way I experience it.
 
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