Relationship Ex told me yesterday she has CPTSD and I’m abusing her.

M

Migdid777

Hey. I’m 24 M and she’s 26 F.

We dated for about 6 months and had been on and off/ in contact for another 2 months.

Yesterday she calls me saying I’ve been abusing her by contacting her people. She says I’ve been triangulating her.

The thing is, yes I have broken her boundaries by continuously reaching out to her - and I take full accountability for it, but when I reached out to her people I was doing it out of concern. Up until yesterday I did not know she had CPTSD. She recently started going to therapy.

In our relationship she told me her previous ex had sexually and physically abused her and she had trauma because of it.

I could never truly understood how deep her pain went and I tried my best to be patient and understanding of her, but she quickly started abusing me. She used to think I was cheating on her or would demand my attention a lot, and I’d give her all of it because I liked her and also because I wanted to be comforting, but when we fought she would just berate me for hours.

Again, I didn’t know she had PTSD and though I assumed she had serious trauma, we never got to talk clearly about her triggers and her issues.

We fought a lot, generally we made up after I reassured her how much I loved her.

I made mistakes too. She saw my porn, she saw old notes I wrote to a previous ex, she saw that I liked other girls pictures on Instagram. And when I was confronted I was taken back by how intense she felt & how she insulted me, that I wasn’t able to be patient and listen to her, and I got defensive and also could become mean.

I don’t think either of us realized how her trauma was affecting these situations. I told her I felt like her punching bag to release her emotions, and i told her what she was doing to me was what her ex did to me.

A few weeks ago while we were broken up we saw each other. I told her that some girl texted me and we kind of flirted. She lost it. She started hitting me, threw my phone, and like for 20 minutes was screaming at me and trying to hurt me. I just held her and tried to calm her down.

That was about a month ago and I’ve been blocked for a while.

I got so confused and felt so triggered I would email her because that was the only form of communication I had with her. She would unblock me every now and then, to say something mean. In the moment I wouldn’t feel bad, and I’d try to talk to her. But the days after that, I got triggered and would send her emails incessantly even though she told me to leave her alone. I begged for her to talk to me, I apologized so much.

Lately I reached out to her friends and brother. I asked for serious advice on how to get her back, and that I was concerned for her because of the things she told me. I had always been telling her she should get therapy because she was still dealing w her past. We didn’t know she had CPTSD.

Yesterday she calls me saying me continuously trying to reach out to her has been abusive towards her. I don’t disagree, but I felt at times I couldn’t help it. I just wanted to talk to her, I felt so confused.

I’ve always wanted the best for her and even in her worst, I felt a lot of love and protectiveness towards her. I still love her.


She called yesterday and asked me to leave her alone. I will.

I just don’t know what to do further. She has asked me to leave her alone for months but she would end up calling me. In the beginning when she asked me to leave her alone, I would respect it - but she would reach out to me anyways and if I didn’t respond right away she thought I was ignoring her.

I developed a deep anxiety of our communication. When we talked I could tell she had so much anger boiling up and since I was always blocked, if she got angry and ended the phone call, I would think this is the last time i’d ever speak to her again.

I will not reach out to her again.

Her story has changed she said there were times we could have gotten back together, which leads me to believe she still sees a potential future. Just not now. That’s fine.

I’m 24. I just got my first job and apartment and I’m finishing my masters, I’m super young and I had no experience on how to handle & be a compassionate and understanding partner with someone with such a traumatic experience.

She’s getting therapy now and it seems like she’s getting better but during our relationship she didn’t and never truly talked about what she was going through, only talked about her anger at me.

I love her deeply and I know I could commit to a lifetime of healing with her and I know I can treat her how she needs to be.

But that’s only if she wants me too. And right now she’s asked me to not contact her.

Any advice you guys can share? I have feelings and yeah I went overboard by continuously trying to reach out to her and talking to her people trying to get advice on how I could be better for her. I know I broke boundaries. But I was doing them trying to learn her. I still realize that was wrong of me.

Should I be patient and wait a few months to see if she replies to me? I don’t think I want to date anyone else right now, but that thought of moving on is on my mind because of the fear of being hung up on her is scary because there’s a big chance she views me as an abuser and she will never speak to me again.

Either way I’m glad she is getting help and if I needed to be her villain so she could finally get herself out of her hole, I love her and want the best for her no matter what.
 

StillWurdy

New Here
I get what’s happening to you as far as the relationship goes but as far as the reaching out goes… well I can relate to talking to a family member but I was invited multiple times and lived with them and still had stuff in the house, even that went really bad. Therapy for you is a good things. You’re still young, there’s parts of this that are a real learning experience for boundaries, there’s other parts of this that are CPTSD and trust us we know how hard it is to sort out the difference. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing that she had PTSD, that’s not your responsibility, it’s hers.

Take your ball and go home, work on you and in the future who knows what happens, but you’ll be in a better place.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I’m 24. I just got my first job and apartment and I’m finishing my masters, I’m super young and I had no experience on how to handle & be a compassionate and understanding partner with someone with such a traumatic experience.

even without the staggering learning curve attached to a cPTSD relationship, mastering your independence (pun intended) is quite allot to handle, all by itself.

Should I be patient and wait a few months to see if she replies to me? I don’t think I want to date anyone else right now, but that thought of moving on is on my mind because of the fear of being hung up on her is scary because there’s a big chance she views me as an abuser and she will never speak to me again.

the patient wait gets my vote. if you keep the focus on the gigantic task of mastering your own independence, you might find yourself with a whole new view, as well. dating, in general, is a massive distraction from mastery. just opining. . . just voting. . .

gentle support whichever way you take it, migdid. life do get confusing, don't it?
 
M

Migdid777

Are you in therapy? You need to be. You need to work on your issues. That should come before you get back in a relationship with her or anyone. Learn how to have healthy boundaries. Learn how to manage your emotions better. Don't focus on her trauma. Focus on what's going on with you.



Good. This is very important
Are you in therapy? You need to be. You need to work on your issues. That should come before you get back in a relationship with her or anyone. Learn how to have healthy boundaries. Learn how to manage your emotions better. Don't focus on her trauma. Focus on what's going on with you.



Good. This is very important
Hello. Yes I am in therapy - I have been going for a few years, especially when something traumatic occurs.

I do have issues with boundaries, I didn’t really learn how to set my own, and I found it hard to take her request of leaving her alone seriously when she would still contact me after saying she would never speak to me again. It seemed like everytime I thought our relationship was over, she would come out and say something and I would also get drawn back in.


I am an emotional person and I felt like I had a good grasp on my emotions but the last few months I was like at a cliff it was a really rough time, I felt addicted to our fights bc toward the end, they were really the only point of conversations we shared.

Yeah, I guess I let her cross my own boundaries a lot and didn’t have the self respect to stand strong in my space.

Thank you I appreciate you giving advice for my sake and not the relationship because I do want to put myself first for once.
 
M

Migdid777

I get what’s happening to you as far as the relationship goes but as far as the reaching out goes… well I can relate to talking to a family member but I was invited multiple times and lived with them and still had stuff in the house, even that went really bad. Therapy for you is a good things. You’re still young, there’s parts of this that are a real learning experience for boundaries, there’s other parts of this that are CPTSD and trust us we know how hard it is to sort out the difference. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing that she had PTSD, that’s not your responsibility, it’s hers.

Take your ball and go home, work on you and in the future who knows what happens, but you’ll be in a better place.
She reached out to my family too and yesterday she talked to my mom. My mom won’t even what she said, she just told me I need to have some more self respect and that she doesn’t feel like it’s my fault anymore.

Either way yeah man I have had issues with boundaries, and I get anxiously attached to the wrong people who when the honeymoon phase ends, act different.

I need to be more secure in myself, I get lost in relationships and put other people before myself which makes me even more insecure and then it drives me to act out in ways that really doesn’t have the capacity to care for someone’s boundaries of not talking to them when they destroyed my own.

I have never broken up with someone even if I wanted to because in my culture we are kind of led to believe you have to get thru shit, and even though that’s for marriage I anxiously apply that to my other relationships.

I need to stand by my own boundaries so I do not hold resentment for others and eventually act out in ways I am not proud of.

Thank you for your perspective and letting me vent!
 
M

Migdid777

even without the staggering learning curve attached to a cPTSD relationship, mastering your independence (pun intended) is quite allot to handle, all by itself.



the patient wait gets my vote. if you keep the focus on the gigantic task of mastering your own independence, you might find yourself with a whole new view, as well. dating, in general, is a massive distraction from mastery. just opining. . . just voting. . .

gentle support whichever way you take it, migdid. life do get confusing, don't it?
Yes life can really get confusing arfie! I feel like I struggled with managing my own life and how much I spent on her. I almost lost my job because of the amount of time I spent with her trying to settle fights that were really over nothing but she just wanted to be mad at me, and I am a softie and I just thought it was the most important thing in the world to keep her happy.

I gave her way too much of my energy and I gave her a pass bc I knew she was struggling but at the same time she didn’t understand my place. She doesn’t work, she lives off her parents $, smokes all day, and even stopped attending her school. Oh and she never drove so i’d make the 2 hour drive just to see her. So she had all the time in the world to fight when I had to carve out so much just to meet her where she is at.

Love or whatever it is makes you do some stupid things. But I realize me trying to help her was just a distraction from my own life and issues, and even though I love her so f’ing much, there is a lot I need to accept for myself that wasn’t cool, and just focus on myself.

I want to wait a few months but I’d like to start dating, even if casually because I am kind of an extrovert and I enjoy dating & usually I’ve jumped into relationships out of guilt of being casual, but I’m going to be myself more now.
 
M

Migdid777

Why are you okay with this?
Bro, trust me idek. I’m a pretty chill dude I don’t take things too personally I realize everyone has their demons tbh. I usually let things go because I realize shit comes out in pain and sadness. Not that it’s acceptable but like eh it’s not the biggest deal to me. That’s on her. It just sucks where I put in so much effort to understand her and give her benefit of the doubt, I didn’t really receive the same. And I didn’t even do anything remotely close to that, and I’d still get accused of shit. Idk I’m a softie for others but I gotta start having more self respect I guess!

Good question lol

I really think it's best to leave her alone so that she can get on with her life and you should move on.
Any advice for if she contacts me? It is a Friday night I’m going to be out drinking with some friends, what if I get a call from her, I’m kind of scared tbh.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
Love or whatever it is makes you do some stupid things. But I realize me trying to help her was just a distraction from my own life and issues, and even though I love her so f’ing much, there is a lot I need to accept for myself that wasn’t cool, and just focus on myself.

I want to wait a few months but I’d like to start dating, even if casually because I am kind of an extrovert and I enjoy dating & usually I’ve jumped into relationships out of guilt of being casual, but I’m going to be myself more now.

sound advice, migdid. may i offer it as advice tailor-made, just for you?

can i also offer a theory that "whatever it is" could have been a not-so-healthy distraction from the unexpected challenges of independence. it looks so easy in a kid's eye view that we often find ourselves staggering emotionally when we encounter the harsh realities of it. not-so-healthy distractions are not uncommon. just theorating. . .

continued support while you find your way through.
 
Top