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Explosive bursts of anger

Thread starter #1
I am having such a hard time. I think I've been managing the stay-at-home orders pretty well. I'm getting a lot done; I mean, I have some days when I don't do anything at all, but I probably have been accomplishing more generally than I have in the last year. I've been doing online therapy, which I really don't like and which, I think, started this week of very difficult-to-manage emotions.

We didn't talk about anything of substance on Monday. I was annoyed (as I have been since all of this started) because he was clock-watching - he very noticeably starts watching about 10 minutes before the 50 minute done time. He also mentioned that he's seen a shift in me (toward the positive) and pointed out that I seemed more reflective.

Actually, there *has* been a shift, but it's been because I just quit talking about the stuff that's in my head. It doesn't help, it just sounds negative, and I often get a response that sounds condescending to me.

So I've had a few things going on this week that I just haven't been managing well. My cat, who has lymphoma and had chemo last Monday, has been sick - vomiting, peeing on the floor, and with extremely bad diarrhea. She's also hungry all the time and eats my other cat's food every chance she gets. I have to monitor her and pull up the food when she's around. My other cat is also sick and I often have to hold her food dish for her to get her to eat.

Normally I just take all that in stride. But this week I haven't been able to manage any of it. In addition to all the stuff with the cats, I have been having issues accessing one of my email accounts and I've been on the phone or chat 6x trying to get it fixed. Everybody tells me something different; I've been dealing with this since Monday and it's still not resolved.

Several other things.

Thursday I just broke. I had to leave because I was afraid I was going to hurt one of the cats. I was sooo angry. I yelled at them, yelled at the person on the phone who, I discovered, after 45 min was "helping" me with the wrong thing. I broke a dish. When I was out I was not as angry/crazy, but very depressed to the point where I sat in a couple of parking lots for over an hour because I just couldn't move. Back home it was same thing again.

Today has been some better but I'm struggling with very small things. Nothing to wear (I haven't done laundry in well over a month because I don't have a washing machine), robocalls, my mother going on and on about nothing in a phone call, the air in here which is really stale and I haven't been able to fix.

I do NOT want to talk my T on Monday - just thinking about that makes me mad. If I didn't have the cats, I'd spend all day in bed with my phone turned off. I just can't do much more of this.
 
#2
Hi Whiteraven

I dont have any experience with T's but I heard you need to try a few until one fits. Why dont you just say to yourself let's give this one another try and see how I feel after that. You can then make a decision.

I'm very much the same when it comes to finding a quiet spot and just sitting there and zoning out after a peak of anger.

Sometimes I'm over taken with rage and fantasize about sweet revenge.

You're not alone
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
#3
Things can be hand washed, even in pieces / day by day if you don't have an energy for the whole thing in one day...

Some therapists are an ill fit, absolutely.
But some may be more about what's up with your life, than them or their responses. Might help to separate it out. How much is their fault, how much your abusers projected onto them, how much a stress of current life, how much own blocks and depression in the way coloring the relationship.

As even watching watches can be interpreted in many ways. Like care. Not wanting to keep up the client. Valuing them. Valuing the time they actually pay for - and not risking having to charge them for a new hour just for running a few minutes over time.

As to that anger...
Anger or rage?
Since different emotions / spectrums.

Just because it's explosive tells me where it goes, or wants to go, but not more about it to advise.
 
Thread starter #4
Thank you @Ronin. Always give me things to think about.

Things can be hand washed, even in pieces / day by day if you don't have an energy for the whole thing in one day...
I do a lot of handwashing. The stuff I can, anyway. I'm out of bath and hand towels though and, while I suppose I could handwash them, they really need the thorough cleaning they'd get in very hot water in a machine. I'm going to go next week to the laundromat after I get a new mask.

But some may be more about what's up with your life, than them or their responses. Might help to separate it out. How much is their fault, how much your abusers projected onto them, how much a stress of current life, how much own blocks and depression in the way coloring the relationship.
I suspect it's a bit of both.

As even watching watches can be interpreted in many ways. Like care. Not wanting to keep up the client. Valuing them. Valuing the time they actually pay for - and not risking having to charge them for a new hour just for running a few minutes over time.
I don't buy that. This T doesn't charge if we go over - never has - and we've talked about the 50min thing - he uses the 10min to use the bathroom. He's also written a book for clinicians that deals with this very thing. It's not about the client and it's not about care or value.

That said, he's been the best therapist (well, almost) that I've had. Just pisses me off sometimes.

As to that anger...
Anger or rage?
Since different emotions / spectrums.

Just because it's explosive tells me where it goes, or wants to go, but not more about it to advise.
Hm...so, I wasn't really aware of the difference, so did some reading. I think rage better describes it. Just really overwhelmed, I think.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#5
Everyone is reaching their 'isolation tolerance' and it's starting to come out in unhealthy ways. Mine is turning into depression.

I relate to 'rage'. The only true and real feeling I had for a long time. So it's not bad and wrong that you felt it. As long as we don't harm ourselves or others with it, it remains just a feeling. Like all the rest.

When I 'raged' I felt less powerless over my life, situations or life in general. I had to learn to let rage teach me what was going on underneath and what the progression of feelings was before I got to that stage.

It was work, but all of this is work. So I learned what all those 'other' feelings were that led up to me going off the deep end. Maybe something you and your T can work on.

I feel, because of your state of mind, that his clock watching was just one more frustration for you at the time. I feel you will work this out with him. As you do acknowledge he is good and helping you. We don't have to like everything our T's do or say. That would just be weird IMO.

Hope you are feeling better and that your next meeting with your T will bring about some good direction for you to go with feeling overwhelmed.
 
Thread starter #6
Mine is turning into depression.
Oh, I get that. Mine is severe now. Much worse than it was.

I relate to 'rage'. The only true and real feeling I had for a long time. So it's not bad and wrong that you felt it. As long as we don't harm ourselves or others with it, it remains just a feeling. Like all the rest.
I think this is what freaked me out. I had to leave my house so I didn't break something and hurt myself or the cats.

When I 'raged' I felt less powerless over my life, situations or life in general. I had to learn to let rage teach me what was going on underneath and what the progression of feelings was before I got to that stage.
Yeah. I remember feeling this before. It used to be horrible. I was completely out-of-control. I am really sad and scared that it's back.

feel, because of your state of mind, that his clock watching was just one more frustration for you at the time. I feel you will work this out with him. As you do acknowledge he is good and helping you. We don't have to like everything our T's do or say. That would just be weird IMO.
I hate being overwhelmed. You're right; everything that is going on is just building up and intensifying all of my feelings.
 
#7
So you have the intensity piece, the control piece, the fears of loss of control one, the overwhelm...

Can you lessen the overwhelm some way first?
Reframe control issues after - I get it's damn hard after a life in which some emotion's not allowed...

But rage doesn't make people lose it.
It's still something you can learn to shuffle in and sit out ;)

So... what is the hardest thing when you are deep in the rage thing?
As working with that hard piece can lessen the whole bit.

Like... take away the factors making rage build up...
And then the tip of it off before it changes into action on anyone - self or others.

/

Examples...
One of the things that flip me into that rage are long term accumulation of interpersonal frustrations. Not resolved, not vented out, or worse, punished for trying either. The direction that rage takes me ain't exactly at people themselves, either... It's not a wreck them, it's a do anything to make them see the shit they do differently.

But acting on rage don't do that.
Education does.
Hence learning how to restate everything and reach agreements loong before we get there, or avoid till I can deal with it / them helps me keep it cool.

Other type rage? Yeah. Is about people. And wrecking everything and everyone ever dear to them, for helping them with what they'd done.
And preventing further damages.
And plain out tactical, no feelings nonsense involved.

Not for petty shit... if I feel that one for petty shit I'm symptomatic as f*ck or making some odd crossovers ;)

Reeval on that helps too, though. Asking myself constantly if it's worth to me. If who I want to benefit from it, will.

Most often I find they not only won't benefit... but me acting would harm them. So I'm a fury and salty bitch for a few months or years after... but let it go.

It's less feelings, more decisions.
Just hard to know when new to it, or deep in it.
 
Thread starter #8
Can you lessen the overwhelm some way first?
This would really help. I am thinking that the nature of overwhelm is not to notice until it's moved into rage or worse. I thought that I had lessened the overwhelm when I quit work and then got stuck at home. Not sure how to lessen what is overwhelming before.

Hm...maybe look back and try to identify what caused it?

I know what did and it's not anything I could have changed so...yeah. Not sure. And not sure how, when I've got so much going on and I feel overwhelmed, how I can react differently.

So... what is the hardest thing when you are deep in the rage thing?
I feel..."uncontained." And like breaking something. Or hurting myself. I was so mad at my cats this time. They didn't do anything. It wasn't their fault. They are both really sick. And I was afraid I'd hurt one of them. That alone makes me not worth any of this.

Like... take away the factors making rage build up...
I don't know how to do that. I think the cats and the other stuff are just the overwhelm from whatever is causing the rage. Not sure what that is. Maybe being treated like I don't matter. Being alone with no support. Not being able to really connect with my T right now (so no support). No contact from the last job and no insurance. Job I was supposed to have fell through, so no prospects.

I'm trying to reconnect with my T. The issues with the cats I just have to manage. The job - I'm sending them a letter and work...I just don't want to, can't. Not right now.

Not for petty shit... if I feel that one for petty shit I'm symptomatic as f*ck
Yeah, maybe I'm there...
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#9
Hopefully, you can reconnect with your T and he can help you realize how many feelings occur between the beginning of being upset, sometimes over something minor, until the meltdown.

It will take work on your part to pay attention over time, possibly writing things down, to see that you could have stopped the runaway train at a different place and not have to go all the way to rage.

I remember being amazed at the different feelings that happened between 'upset' to 'rage'. But it does take time and paying attention to our feelings. And our thoughts.

Do you do any kind of breathing exercises when you first start getting upset? At first, that did not help me, but I did learn to incorporate it along the way.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#11
I completely understand 'when I remember'!! My rage was my 'go to' problem solver. It took time and awareness to remember. Just know that you are heard. And that many of us understand the rage stage. It will change over time. Sharing about it is halfway there!!!
 
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