f*cking arsehole bloke - rant

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Warning up front peeps. This is a rant about my abusive ex and I will be swearing a lot. If you are offended by fruity language please don't read any further. Lol.

Well the bastard managed to get round me again playing on my weakness for alcohol money and my pity for him. I spent the last two weekends over his place so he could see the dog so I could have a drink and so I could have a few quid in my pocket. It's been bloody awful. I only have myself to blame.

I went to bed in floods of tears last night woke up in tears this morning and spent the next two hours crying my eyes out. I was so bloody depressed I was actually considering suicide again. Every time I have anything to do with that c*nt I come away feeling more and more drained and despondent. He tried it on with me sexually Saturday night and got angry when I said no. I wanted to return home that night after that but he got angry about that as well. Today he as me to pay back the 20 quid I owe him for booze he has bought me as well as lending him another 20 quid and 3 packs of tobacco until he gets paid end of next week. I realised that if I did that it would leave me short and relying on him to repay me. In other words dependent on him once more and him controlling me through money again. What a f*cking wanker. He just can't help but try to get the upper hand over me again because it's bleeding obvious to the worst sort of f*cking cretin that's the only way he can feel comfortable and not anxious regarding me. He refuses to accept our sexual relationship is over for good and he won't accept that he can't exploit me financially anymore. He also won't accept that he can't bully me into capitulation to his unreasonable demands of me.

I'm f*cking sick to the back f*cking teeth of it. And I'm f*cking sick to the back f*cking teeth of HIM. Not that I actually have any back teeth of which to speak nowadays because he knocked half of them out through punching me in the mouth more times than I care to remember and the rest just fell out due to neglect on my part because I was so bloody depressed being with him.

That f*cking arsehole just wants things to go back to how they were before I jogged him on 5 months ago. With him firmly in the bloody driving seat and me kowtowing to his every f*cking whim. When I was going over to his place I was even taking food for us both prepping cooking and serving it up and he wouldn't even help me with the f*cking washing up afterwards. He just wanted a f*cking skivvy the c*nt. He's not happy just being friends. He always wants more. And finds ways to punish me for me not giving him more. He's never bloody happy with anything I do for him. He's always say it's not (good) enough for him. He's a f*cking ungrateful bastard.

So yesterday I couldn't wait to get home and when I did I sat here and remembered a lot of the last 23 years that I've known him and how much I've lost because of my association with him. There have been many many times when I could have and should have let him go but I always ended up going back to him. Not once when he left me did he ever pursue me it was always the other way round. He was so sure of his poisonous grip on me he never had to come after me because he knew that when I got desperate enough I'd go to him. I can't believe what a f*cking stupid mug I've been over him. That I fell for his fake kindness and generosity yet again and allowed him to tug on my heart strings yet again. All because I felt sorry for him. And he misses my dog and she misses him.

So today after crying the last of my bitter tears over him I decided it was time to make a clean break for once and for all. I refused to lend him money and tobacco and told him point blank I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore because he's simply no good for me. I told him that before we reconnected again 3 months ago my drinking was under control (MINE) and that all my rent bills and debts were up to date. But now I'm drinking every day and I'm behind on my rent my cable water and TV licence bills and one of my debts. I told him he can have visitation with the dog at weekends but that I will drop her off then go home because I don't want to be around him myself. I will collect the dog the following day. And again I won't hang around chatting with him. I've made it clear that he hurts or tries to steal my dog from me I will report him to the relevant authorities and if she comes back to me upset in any way at all I will stop visitation. I've also told him to keep her on a lead near roads at all times as he has a habit when drunk of not leashing her and I'm worried she will wander into the road and get run over. I've also told the c*nt he gets one chance only and if he f*cks it up I will stop visitation. I know in my heart of hearts he will eventually f*ck up so that's why I've set all these conditions too high deliberately and on purpose because eventually I will stop the dog seeing him and I want a decent excuse when the time comes as to why. An excuse this bastard won't be able to argue with. Am I being manipulative myself? You bet your f*cking arse I am. I plan to play him at his own game and win hands down. Because really the dog is the only real leverage I have with him. And I want him out of both our lives as soon as possible.

You see I could be a real proper bitch about this and I suppose I'm testing him in a way to see if my ex can step up to the plate man up and finally take his responsibilities as a supposed grown up seriously. And in a way I'm setting the c*nt up to fail. Lord knows he did the same thing to me himself enough times down the years especially when it came to my kids. I've thought a lot about them especially yesterday when I got home from seeing my ex over the weekend. Whether or not he abused them directly he certainly indirectly abused them by battering me in front of them all the time. Poor little sods must have been bloody terrified that one day he'd go too far and actually kill me. And he very nearly did kill me on 3 separate occasions that I can recall. The last time he did a prison stretch for it and to this day he still blames me for what he chose to do to me and blames the female judge for banging him up and blames his female lawyer for not representing him properly or helping him appeal his sentence. And he only got 6 months for it and only served 3 months of that sentence whereas I almost died from my injuries and the severe concussion he gave me with his fists feet and head. This beating happened just 2 months after he had been refused unsupervised contact with my youngest kid the one I had with my ex almost 21 years ago now. When my youngest made the allegations of sexual abuse against him they said he threatened to kill me if they ever told me what he had done to them. Looking back I now wonder if that beating wasn't my ex making good on his threat to our kid. And our kid is now grown up and still says my ex their dad molested and raped them when they were little. For years I gave my ex the benefit of the doubt but I now think I was wrong to do so. And it's hard enough wrapping my head around what my bastard ex did to me let alone what he may or may not have done to my kids one of whom was his own flesh and blood. But it ain't looking good for my bastard ex though is it?

And perhaps I shouldn't let him have visitation unsupervised with my dog after all. What if he killed her? Just to get back at me in some way for jogging him on? I don't think I could forgive myself if that happened. I already can't forgive myself for my kids. Which isn't helped by the fact they don't forgive me either. And now I'm looking at it with a straight head I can't really blame them.

Oh what a f*cking rotten pickle. And what a rotten f*cking c*nt that so-called 'bloke' really is.

Rant over. Thanks for the vent space I needed that today. Sorry if I bored anyone or if anyone is frustrated with me because I just can't seem to be able to make my mind up regarding this f*cking arsehole or to be able to make a decision about him and to stick to it. Sigh.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47
 
The beating I mentioned was 12 years ago in case you were wondering. That really should have been the end of it between us but you guessed it f*cking muggins here went back to him after. The last beating was 9 months ago and before that 18 months ago. So I'm probably due another beating soon. Well if I'm not around him he can't do it can he? Sod him seeing the dog. I'm not letting that happen I'm not going to put her at risk because in the course of writing the above post I've realised he most probably would hurt her just to get at me. And we've both been through quite enough because of him. I'm responsible for my dog's safety and welfare being her owner at the end of the day and if she gets hurt or injured by that bastard that's on me. And I couldn't use her as leverage could I? That wouldn't be fair to my dog and anyway it's clear my ex is never going to change for the better. That's it. My mind is made up at last. Now I really have made a decision and for my dog's sake if not my own I must stick to it like bloody glue. Otherwise it could be f*cking disastrous for us both.

There was no physical evidence no DNA medical exam proved inconclusive my ex had never been accused of this sort of thing before no other witnesses for the prosecution no witness statements and it really was a case of her word against his. Plus the fact that he swore blind from the off he never touched our kid and I never saw him do anything untoward to her in front of me and until the bastard left the family home and a week later our kid made these allegations I never had reason to suspect my ex was a child molester. When it got to Crown Court our kid recanted the allegations and told the judge she had lied and made it all up because former friends of mine had made her do it and she didn't know why. These former friends of mine gave statements to the police which they later retracted and one of them was going to be a witness for the prosecution but pulled out of giving evidence two weeks before the trial citing mental health issues as to why she could not do it. Also none of our other friends believed my ex was guilty of such horrendous crimes and along with the fact that our kid spent the next years telling me repeatedly that her dad didn't hurt her in any way at all and that she was desperate to see him but that the social worker kept telling her he did actually hurt her and no she couldn't see him (our kid went into foster care after making these allegations and was kept there for the next 11 years) plus the fact her dad my ex was never overtly sexually violent towards me I hope you can understand now why I had my doubts Eve. Add in the fact that my mind was addled by excessive alcohol and pot smoking and the depths of depression as part of C-PTSD I hope you can also see that for decades I really didn't know my arse from my f*cking elbow and if my ex did indeed deceive me over our kid you can now understand how he managed that. Please be reassured that I am now looking at things very clearly and I don't like what I see anymore than you or anyone else does.

Our kid kept telling me her dad my ex didn't molest her for 9 of the 11 years she was in care just to clarify. Also all our friends around at the time asked all their kids if my ex had behaved inappropriately towards them in front of me and all the kids said he hadn't. I hope this clears up any confusion around this delicate matter. It wasn't easy sharing that with you and if I thought I was going to get attacked for it I wouldn't have even mentioned it. But I think it's absolutely relevant now. Whereas I wasn't sure before. Cheers.
 
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Hi @crazydiamond47... I guess I can only say this which may sound so harsh and brutal you will hate me.... Stop going to see him. Stop all contact. Your choosing to see him and nothing has changed... Maybe it's because you are lonely or maybe it's because you want to be treated like shite because you are used to it?..
I

I don't know the answer but if you want to get better as a person then stop all contact. Your hurting yourself over and over...
 
Thanks Moderator for editing my reply to Eve. Finally I must add that it was ME who got the police involved after my youngest kid made these allegations against my ex her dad. We were visiting my former friends home when one of my former friends said to me that she thought my kid was being interfered with. I asked her why she thought that and she said she didn't know it was just a feeling she had and that I should ask my kid about it. Her eldest teenage son and his girlfriend went to collect my kid and his youngest brother from school for us. When they all got home I took my kid upstairs to my former friends bedroom and gently asked her if anything was happening to her that she didn't like that she should tell me about. My kid then dropped a hundred megaton atomic bomb on all our lives when she told me that her Dad had been hurting her. I asked how he was hurting her and she then replied that her Dad had stuck his willy up her bum and that it really hurt and then she told me that he also put his willy in her mouth and that she couldn't breathe and that it tasted funny. I was so shocked and horrified I ran to the toilet and threw up. All the while my kid was telling me these dreadful things she was smiling. I didn't notice it at the time because of my astonishment at what she was saying and looking back it does seem strange that she was doing that and not crying instead. Maybe it was fear. I sent her back downstairs after telling her that her Dad was a very bad man to do that to her and that none of it was her fault but that we had to tell the police so they could catch him and put him in jail to punish him for his crimes and to stop him doing this to any other kid. After she went downstairs to play with my former friends youngest kid I broke down I was devastated. My former friend did nothing to comfort me or support me. While I was upstairs in her bedroom she used my mobile phone to ring my other former friend and told her a lie about me. I only knew about it an hour later when my other former friend turned up at this woman's house to confront me about what this woman had lied to her about me. I can't even remember what the lie was but I do remember exposing it in front of this woman and my other friend and the woman going mad with anger and trying to get to me to batter me. This woman's eldest teenage son prevented his mum from getting to me and bundled me my kid and my other friend and her kid out of their house. In such a hurry that we left behind my kid's school shoes and book bag.

I carried my kid home and she didn't even seem fazed by all the drama. My kid I might add was almost 7 years old at the time. I gave her a bath and some supper when we got home and told her I hoped she was being honest with me about her Dad because the next morning I would be ringing the police. My kid promised me she was telling me the truth. I read her a bedtime story and then she went to sleep. I went downstairs and called her Dad on the phone and told him what our kid had told me about him abusing her. He laughed at me and said she was lying and I was crazy for taking it seriously. I told him to expect a visit from the police and hung up on him. The next morning when my kid woke up I gave her her breakfast and asked her again if she was telling me the truth because what she told me about her Dad the night before was very serious and it could have grave consequences for her her Dad and myself if she was lying. My kid insisted her allegations were true and gave me more details. Such as he had started hurting her the summer before when she was 5 and it happened when I was at work and when I wasn't looking. She said he was always drunk when he did it and that he told her she was a bitch a whore and a slag just like me her mum when he was doing it. She said he told her that was why he was doing it too. She said that when he put his willy up her bum there was blood and poo all over the bed sheet and that they put it in a black rubbish bag out in the dust bin so I wouldn't see it and not know what had happened. I knew my kid had 3 sheets for her bed 1 on the bed so there should have been two spare in the linen cupboard. I checked the linen cupboard and there was only 1 sheet in there. I asked my kid why didn't she tell me what he was doing to her when it was happening? She then replied that he told her I knew (I absolutely bloody didn't) and that I didn't care and anyway if she did say anything to me about it he would kill me because he hated me so much because I was a slag etc and it was my fault he was hurting her because if I gave him what he needed he wouldn't have to get it from her. Again my kid said all this to me with a smile on her face. At this point I had heard enough and called the police.

The police came round that afternoon and I told the detective sergeant exactly what my kid had told me word for word. He then told me that my kid would be interviewed by specialist coppers trained in this sort of thing the next day in a specially designed interview suite in a police house so it wouldn't scare my kid anymore than she'd already been scared by her Dad. I agreed to this because it was important to get to the truth of it all for my kid's sake and any other kids this bastard had access to. The next day two coppers collected me my kid and my other friend who was totally unconnected with any of my other mates at the time from our home and took us to the police house. They took my kid upstairs to the special interview suite and interviewed her for an hour and a half then came back downstairs. My kid was kept away from me as the two coppers who collected us from home earlier told me that because of what my kid had told them they couldn't let her come home with me because I couldn't keep her or myself safe from my ex. They said I would have to let my kid go into temporary foster care until all this was sorted out and the police and social services were satisfied that I could keep us safe from him or that he wasn't a danger to us both. They said I could do it the nice or nasty way ie voluntarily place my kid in care myself or the police would get an emergency protection order from the court and forcibly take my kid from me if I didn't comply. I broke down again and screamed at God for what had befallen us all for taking both my kids from me. The duty social worker turned up and took me my kid and my friend back home so I could pack my kids things up and say goodbye to her. Something inside me died that night as this social worker drove away from my home with my kid in the back of her car. I waved my kid goodbye sobbing my heart out. I was hysterical so my mate called my doctor and he came out to give me a shot to calm me down.

My former friend whose house we were round when my kid told me her dad had abused her hadn't even returned my kid's school shoes and book bag before my kid was removed from my care and I had asked her to send someone round with them as well as the ten quid I'd lent her. Her eldest teenage son sent his girlfriend round with my kid's things but not the money the day after my kid was taken away from me. I wasn't very happy about not getting my money back so I texted my former friend just once and two hours later another copper turned up on my doorstep to tell me not to harass my former friend or I would be arrested. Worst still was not seeing my kid for 3 weeks after she first went into care because she had also implicated ME in abusing her (I was dumbfounded by this being completely innocent of anything like that) and social services and the police insisted that I was interviewed myself under caution with a lawyer present before I was allowed supervised contact with my kid. So I complied because I had nothing to hide and the interview went on for 3 and a half hours before the coppers were satisfied I was innocent of what had been levelled at me. I was then allowed to see my kid weekly with supervision until the Crown Court trial.

My ex had been arrested at work over these allegations and insisted he was innocent himself from the get go. However the police insisted he sign in at the local police station every night at 6pm so they could be sure he wouldn't abscond until the trial. Meanwhile I was in bloody bits at being parted from my kid and my former friends (not the woman whose we were in when my kid told me my ex her dad had hurt her) were constantly telling me my ex didn't do it and that my kid was lying. Nobody in a professional capacity was supporting me in coming to terms with what had happened except my GP and he was about as much use as a bloody chocolate teapot. 3 months after my kid had been taken away it was my kid's birthday. I gathered a load of photos of her and my eldest kid and went looking for my ex in the pubs in town. I found him with one of my former friends and I was livid with her because she had promised to come round and have a drink with me to keep me company on such a sad day (the first birthday my kid had without us being together) but she had stood me up in favour of my ex. He was sitting there in this pub grinning like a f*cking Cheshire cat. I threw the photos on the table in front of him and demanded he tell me the truth. 'Did you or did you not hurt my babies?' I screamed at him for the whole pub to hear. My ex was as cool as a bloody cucumber and very quietly replied that he did no such thing and that would be proved in court. It completely took the wind out of my sails especially when my former friend whose little girl was with them in the pub as well told me she didn't believe my kid and that's when she asked her kid in front of both me and my ex if my ex had touched her too and the little girl said no. Add in all the other stuff I've already mentioned and you can now see why I then believed my ex over my kid for years until I started looking at it again very recently. Especially when my kid took back everything she had said in court to the actual judge.

But by the time of the trial I had told my kid that I was seeing her Dad again and if she told the truth at court everything would be OK. But just suppose for a second if my ex really had abused her and threatened to kill me if she told then that would make sense of why she recanted the allegations in court. Is it because she knew if she repeated those things in court and because she knew her Dad to be violent she feared he would keep his promise and kill me? Did she lie in court to protect me? It's looking increasingly likely that she did.

My ex was acquitted of all charges against him and walked free. But the police and social services were furious with me because they knew I had told my kid I was seeing her Dad again. They blamed me for f*cking up the trial however inadvertently. Because they believed a guilty man had got away with child rape. And was likely to do it again.

A year later social services started care proceedings regarding the long term care of my youngest kid. We were all assessed by a child and adolescent psychiatrist who was an expert in the field of CSA and who had written acedemic papers and books about the subject. He decided my ex and I were both innocent of abusing our kid and recommended long term foster care because of my mental health problems and no extended family to support me in the care of my kid and also recommended plenty of unsupervised contact between all of us. However he also told the family court judge that he believed I had lead my kid into making false allegations of abuse against her dad my ex because I wanted revenge for him walking out on us both and for his violence towards me. I strongly challenged his assertion because I knew it wasn't true but was dismissed out of hand by the judge and warned not to say another word in court or I would be held in contempt and could find myself in a police cell for the night if I did so. He awarded social services a full Care Order for my kid but a month after care proceedings had ended they held a review meeting at which they told me in no uncertain terms they wouldn't allow unsupervised contact because they and the police still believed my ex really had abused our kid because she was telling kids at school she was in care because her Dad had hurt her. My ex didn't attend that review meeting by the way. Could it be because he knew what they were going to say? And two months after that review meeting my ex battered me to within an inch of my very life.

During that beating I remember screaming at him that if he could do that to me then I bet he really did hurt our kid. His response was to punch me so hard in the eye he split my eyebrow open and I still bear the scar today. And for the last four years our kid has been repeating the allegations she first made almost 14 years ago about her dad my ex. Since she was 16 in fact. It lead to our estrangement because I believed her Dad over her. But now you know why. And now I know on writing all that out that if he hadn't done anything to her then why did she give me all those details at the age of just 7 years old? Why did the police and social services believe he was guilty? After all they both deal with this kind of thing in their line of work every day. I can't believe I've been so f*cking stupid and so f*cking blind all these years. And I fully expect a backlash from some of you over these revelations and I know I probably deserve some of it too. I'm going to leave it there now because I'm exhausted from writing all that out. I'm not going to excuse or defend my ignorance or stupidity or cowardice or selfishness because it would be wrong to do so. All I can really say is that hindsight is a wonderful thing and if I had my time again I would do things so differently.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47
 
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Yes She Cat I did say I only had myself to blame. Thanks for the support. And thanks Ladee I do need to see him for what he is. And more importantly to accept it. Thanks for your support too. Much appreciated xx
 
Holy CRAP!

You don’t believe your own kid when it comes to sexual abuse!

I think you’re blind.

Do you know how many kids recant because they are terrified?!?!

Do you know how many people on this very forum are dealing with issues because their parents never believed them when they told them about the sexual abuse?

GOOD GOD! Abusers know to do this stuff in private! They don’t do it in front of other people!

I’m not attacking you.

I’m calling you out on your crappy behavior.

If you can’t handle it, don’t post about not believing your kid when they came to you and told you they were abused.

You’re not going to get sympathy for this behavior, not here.

It’s quite amusing to me that you make this same post about once a week but do nothing to get away from this guy.

And you wonder why your kids are estranged? THIS IS WHY!
 
Have you read up on trauma bonding? I think it would help you understand why you go back to him. And help you break the cycle?

Can you try reminding yourself of all the bad stuff about him if you feel the need to be in touch with him? That's what I do when I miss my abusive ex, just cry a while but then remind myself all the bad shit my ex done.

Hugs @crazydiamond47
 
crazydiamond47 said:
I've also told him to keep her on a lead near roads at all times as he has a habit when drunk of not leashing her and I'm worried she will wander into the road and get run over
Click to expand...

And I beg of you to please not let him see the dog anymore, please, for goodness sake, in case the dog ends up hurt or dead :(
 
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