f*cking arsehole bloke - rant

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Deleted member 34561

I didn't expect any sympathy Eve. That's not why I posted this stuff. I know I responded to my kid's plight wrongly. I can handle the backlash because I was expecting it and because I know I deserve it. I let my kid down terribly and I am wracked with guilt and shame and would do anything to make it up to her but I know I can't because I made a mistake that can't be undone. The worse thing about all this is that I too was abused in the same way in my own birth family growing up. If anyone should have been aware of these things it should have been me. So I fully understand your anger and disgust at my past behaviour because believe you me I'm angry and disgusted at myself for being such a blind f*cking fool. You can't beat me up or make me feel worse about myself more than I already beat myself up or hate myself over all this trust me on that. I'm so sorry for all the people on here that weren't believed as kids over their own abuse. I wasn't believed either about my stuff either. And I never dealt with that before what happened with my kid so maybe that's why I repeated it (the denial and disbelief I mean) with her. I didn't know any better. I watched my dad not believe me over my mum and brothers. Perhaps that's where I learnt that behaviour from. I bloody well do know better now. I know it's too late though. I can't say anything else right now. Except I'm really sorry for offending or upsetting people on here by sharing this painful stuff. I know why I denied my kid now. It just hurt too much. But my kid's pain was much much greater. I failed them terribly and I must pay the price for that. I accept that fully. I'm sorry.
 

Justmehere

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So today after crying the last of my bitter tears over him I decided it was time to make a clean break for once and for all.
Good. This is a wonderful decision. What support do you have to help you when he tries to get you to go back to him?
I told him he can have visitation with the dog at weekends but that I will drop her off then go home because I don't want to be around him myself. I will collect the dog the following day.
Today, not tomorrow, but today, cancel this.

But now I'm drinking every day and I'm behind on my rent my cable water and TV licence bills and one of my debts.
What are you doing to get help for the drinking and being traumatized by this horrible man?
The last time he did a prison stretch for it and to this day he still blames me for what he chose to do to me and blames the female judge for banging him up and blames his female lawyer for not representing him properly or helping him appeal his sentence.
He is a horrible horrible human being. Hold on to the anger you have at him. Use it. Use it to get into treatment and get help to get the hell away from him. You are clear he won’t accept your boundaries. Is there a domestic violence center or shelter in your area? Can you file a restraining order?
 
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I don't understand you at all.. You go into these long rants about your ex... Your friends.. Not supporting you.. Money your owed. What the f*ck?.... Your kid was sexually assaulted, you didn't phone the police that night.. Instead you phoned him.. You still have contact with this vile creature...
As I said what the f*ck?

I seriously think you need some help...
 
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Xena I didn't phone the police on the night my kid told me her dad had abused her because I was drunk stoned and in a right bloody state myself. I'm sorry you don't understand that and I hope you never do from going through it yourself because it seems to me that the only people on here who do understand are those who have been in the same boat as me. Yes you're right I do need help. I need help to recover from what this 'vile creature' as you call him (quite accurately I might add) has inflicted on me for over two bloody decades. I suggest you research Stockholm Syndrome and brainwashing for further insight as to how or why I got and stayed involved with this monster for almost half my entire life. Given that my birth family inflicted the same thing on me for the first 21 years of my life you shouldn't be surprised that I was vulnerable to that original brainwashing being triggered by this bastard. I was still operating psychologically from the perspective of an abused child myself. That may not be what you want to hear but it is the truth. My ex knew this and exploited it without mercy. I've done a lot of growing up in the last year and have had help to break free from this arsehole from my local drug and alcohol clinic because they understand the link between addiction mental illness and domestic violence. They also understand that it can take 7+ attempts to escape a violent intimate relationship because the relationship itself resembles an addiction in and of itself. I'm not having a go at you Xena I'm just stating scientifically proven facts. It really wasn't as cut and dried or black and white as you seem to think it was for me or my kids. Both of them. I'm currently waiting for therapy as there is a waiting list on the NHS (you should know about those being a fellow Brit) and because I have to stay clean for over 6 months and be sober for the same length of time for me to even be considered for therapy. I'm receiving sickness benefits because of my poor health otherwise I would pay for private therapy because I'm all too aware of how much I need it. Thanks for your feedback anyway. And thanks to leehalf mum's the word and justmehere for your understanding and support. I really didn't expect that and I'm touched by your kindness which I don't feel I deserve xx
 

Justmehere

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I was drunk stoned and in a right bloody state myself.
This would also be traumatic to face for a child that one parent is violently dangerous and the other drunk stoned. It doesn’t actually make the choice to call the police that night any better, but worse.

I also would keep in mind that your observations of your child’s behavior while you were drunk and stoned may not be the most accurate because of how those chemicals can affect perceptions.

Yes, there is clear trauma bonding here. No, you are not at fault for his choices.

But all the trauma bonding in the world doesn’t eliminate the responsibility you have to manage your own choices.

Part of healing from trauma bonding involved recognizing its YOUR choice to let him interact with you because you think a dog is happier. What about what would have made the kids happier?

What steps have you made to get help?
 
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Deleted member 34561

Thank you @Justmehere for your comments. Just to clarify matters further my ex had already left the family home a week before my kid disclosed his abuse of her. He hadn't been back in all that time nor had he contacted us in any way. According to my kid he hadn't assaulted her for a few weeks but I now realise the damage was well and truly already done. I know you think you think I should have rung the police the night my kid disclosed this awful stuff to me but I was really in no fit state to be dealing with the cops that night. It was all I could do to get us home from my nasty former friends house get my kid fed bathed and off to sleep. I wasn't capable of anything more to be honest. I needed a relatively clear head on my shoulders to deal with Old Bill the next day and as it was I didn't get much sleep that night being so upset about my kid's revelations regarding her Dad. As for my perception of my kid's reaction on telling me about her Dad's abuse of her being skewed I'm sorry but I will never forget that night as long as I live, what she told me, how she said it, her facial expression, her tone of voice, the look in her eyes, her body language.... It's all indelibly imprinted on my brain. I will also never forget how I reacted and behaved myself. You can say it was worse that I called my ex that night rather than calling the police all you like but I wonder what you would have done in the same position and circumstances? I was in an utter state of shock and fury and I didn't know what else to do. At the end of the day I'm only human and I f*cked up because I'm not perfect and I completely hold my hands up to that OK? If I don't own it I can't change it. I will regret it deeply for the rest of my bloody life. If I'd known then what I know now I'd have done things totally differently. You criticise me for my choices at the time but I was acting under extreme duress and my head would have been a total bloody mess because of this bastard's abuse of my kids and I even if I wasn't out of my box on alcohol and drugs. You talk about trauma bonding yet you don't seem to understand how that can affect one's choices when one is being abused. However I agree that this so called 'man' should not have any access to my dog and that won't be happening now and I don't care if he's pissed off about it because I owe him nothing. I admit freely that I've had my priorities all wrong and now I've decided I don't give a flying f*ck about the money either. Or the washing I've left behind at his place. I can stand losing a few quid and some dirty linen but I couldn't stand losing my dog as she's all I have left in the world. And accepting the fact that this bastard is bloody evil through and through I wouldn't put anything past him. I do believe he would hurt or kill the dog just to spite me like I now believe he hurt my kids for the same reason. He just can't be bloody trusted as far as I could throw him. I'm sorry it took me almost half a lifetime to come to terms with his evil nature but the main thing is I'm here now and I'm not turning back for nothing. As for the steps I've taken to help myself I got him out of my house 5 months ago. I'm 4 and a half month's clean of drugs and I see my key worker at the local drug and alcohol clinic fortnightly. I'm starting an alcohol detox group this week followed by a DV group in a few weeks time. There is no need for a restraining order because in all the years I've known this bastard he has never come after me once. I've always pursued him instead much to my eternal shame because of the psychological hold he had on me. He had me so hooked into his abuse of me that he knew I'd always go crawling back for more. It's all I knew at core level. Obviously I'm in the process of changing that and I've decided finally enough is enough. So I hope this has answered your questions sufficiently.

Yes I know my kid was very hurt over my continued association with their Dad. If I could hop in a time machine go back and change that I would without any hesitation. But I was trauma bonded and didn't understand it as I do now. I would give my bloody right arm to put it right but what can I do if my kid won't let me? She may never let me and I have to be prepared for that. All I can do in the meantime is try to sort myself out. I didn't drink yesterday and I'm not drinking today either. I'm taking it one day at a time even one minute or one hour if need be. I know what I need to do. And it really is all in the doing. Words are cheap but actions speak louder than words. Nobody knows that better than me.

Thanks @joeylittle I will take your advice on board. I do want responses and replies as I will learn from them and hopefully grow into a better person because of them. I agree that perhaps this wasn't the best place to rant or vent but now I know better I will do better.

Finally I want to apologise again for upsetting or offending other members with what I have written here. That really wasn't my intention and I repeat I really wasn't looking for sympathy. Just some non judgmental understanding and feedback. I can understand why that would be difficult for other members that have been directly impacted by the issues I've talked about here in their own lives and probably hate their own parents for denying them the way I denied my own kids. In these members view and in light of what I have written about it probably gives these members licence to hate me too and maybe punish me for my parental errors because they can't get at their own parents to punish them instead. I can understand that truly I can because I hated my own dad for looking the other way over me and my mum and brothers for decades too. But he came to the truth in the end and I forgave him and we repaired our relationship before he died 17 years ago at the end of next month. Like my dad before me I was weak I was scared I was stupid and I was selfish but he wasn't a bad person and nor am I. All I can say is please don't judge me or condemn me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. Perhaps there are some of you who have your own skeletons in your own closets that you're not proud of like me. That you keep hidden from everyone perhaps even yourselves. And you see someone like me trying to bring my own skeletons out into the Light where it can be healed and resolved and you don't like it. Perhaps it scares you on some level and that makes you angry and makes you want to hurt me for doing the one thing you feel unable to do yourselves. I don't know and I certainly don't have all the answers or I wouldn't even be here myself on this forum. All I will say however is that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Let he or she without sin cast the first stone, as it says in the Bible. And if you really don't like what I have to say you don't have to read it and you could make use of the 'ignore' button. But maybe just maybe I might have something to teach you about all this stuff and maybe I can learn from you too. After all we're all on the same journey and it takes many different routes to get on that journey in the first place. I'm just another flawed f*cked up human being doing the best I can with the knowledge I have at the time. Just like you. Just like all of us whether we have PTSD or not.

On that note I will end this reply by wishing you all well in your recovery from this horrible affliction we all share. I'm going to stick around because I have a right to be here same as all of you. I hope I haven't caused further upset but if I have I apologise in advance. But I have to be honest at all times in every way after living a lie for so long and the devastation it caused me and my kids.

Cheers

Crazydiamond47
 
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Deleted member 34561

No excuses or justifications because there are none Xena. Only reasons explanations and TRUTH. If you don't like it you know what you can do love. Your middle name should be 'projection'. Nuff said bird.

Oh and thanks @Rain mate. You're a good buddy and you know the truth even if these other idiots don't. Oops sorry I do apologise for calling it as I see it. I don't have to prove my worth to people who can't see past the end of their own noses and can't deal with their own issues and are jealous of those of us who are trying to deal with it as best they know how. At least I'm trying which is obviously more than can be said for some of the members on here.

Your problems are your own Xena they are not mine. Obviously I hit a raw nerve (or several) with you. Is that because you're in denial about your own issues? Those who deny hate the truth and will do their best to destroy it and paint the person delivering it as the bad one. Been there done that know it inside bloody out love. Been on the receiving end of it and dished it out as well.

I learnt my lesson so when are you going to learn yours Xena? Warrior princess? Don't make me bloody laugh bird. Why don't you act your age instead of your shoe size darling? Coz by having a pop at me you have just proved you have all the intelligence of a bloody gnat and all the maturity of a bloody 3 year old. And without realising it you have also proved my original point most succinctly. Cheers for that girly.

Bloody hell I thought we'd got past the days of the Spanish Inquisition or is it just me? That was 500 years ago by the way. Or don't you know your history Xena? Clearly you're still stuck in childhood AND the Middle Ages. I repeat not MY problem. Go and TRY to wind someone else up love. You will get no more reaction from me.
 
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