Falling apart at the seams. I'm not okay.

Ash_3

Learning
Today I drove 30 minutes to attend lecture at my church. I was so excited it's been so long since I've been able to go. I originally was going to go with others and then the plans changed so I decided I was still gonna drive out. When I got there I started feeling really anxious and stressed because parking was difficult and I'm new to the community and wasn't exactly sure what to do or where to enter so I called my friend and he told me to go to the front door and knock and someone would be there to let me in.

So I get to the front door (it is gated with the wood door behind it ajar) I knocked and waited and then I saw someone I recognized and said her name out loud. She got up walked to the door and closed it shut. I was confused and overcome with emotion. I walked back to my car and immediately started sobbing. In the moment I knew my reaction was disproportionate to what happened but I just couldn't regulate my emotions and I felt rejected by a community that is supposed to accept me. I allowed myself to cry knowing that the issue went deeper than the mishap that transpired, but I just am so tired of having little to no control over myself. I felt crazy reacting the way I did. I just gave up instead of trying to figure something else out. I feel pathetic. I tried my best to be normal.
 
She got up walked to the door and closed it shut. I was confused and overcome with emotion.

^Well hello?? Why on earth did she do that? Did she see you on the outer side of the door or what? I'd be confused too.

Don't catastrophise your entire life by somebody closing a door. Go back and knock again. Try another door. You can do it, we all must. Keep knocking doors down!
 

shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
Remember you have been through crazy times with all of this isolation stuff with COVID. It has unbalanced all of us. I would expect your system to be unregulated. Especially after being so excited to finally be able to connect and then have that hope feel like a huge rejection.

Don't give up on yourself. This has been a very rough road for all of us. Try not to let that situation take away from the next opportunity you have to connect. and please be kind to yourself.
 

Wendell_R

MyPTSD Pro
This would be a tough & confusing experience for lots of people who don't have PTSD, so I hope you can be compassionate and understanding to yourself.

As I learn to overcome my fears, I remind myself that some events will still be overwhelming. The best I can do sometimes is to let them recede in memory, and to understand that that was too much of a challenge for me, and to move on to new opportunities that are more within my grasp. Earlier in Covid, I had a mini-high school reunion Zoom, with several friends I had not seen in many years. But two of them are very much alpha males, and all I wanted in life was for the Zoom call to end, and I kind of went numb to keep from crying. I've learned to say, "Oops. That didn't work too well." Today, I am going to try an email to an old friend who put his email on his holiday mailer to me. That feels more doable.
 

Ash_3

Learning
^Well hello?? Why on earth did she do that? Did she see you on the outer side of the door or what? I'd be confused too.
I can't say for certain since I am not her but I've come up with so many possibilities as to why she would do this. It's perplexing. It was dark I'm sure she couldn't see me, plus I just moved back to the area so she certainly wouldn't have known to be expecting me. It's a temple in a big city so they probably get many people that come to the door and she might have thought I was someone sketchy. Who knows 🤷. Part of me really just wants to be mad at her but I know that's just projection.

@shimmerz
Thank you for the reassurance and validation. I'm truly grateful that there are people out there that do understand and maybe it didn't work out last night but things happen for a reason and ultimately it was a big step of me to go out there and even just try. Especially with something I'm not too familiar with.

This would be a tough & confusing experience for lots of people who don't have PTSD, so I hope you can be compassionate and understanding to yourself.

Thank you for sharing your experience and for further validating my situation. I'm sorry your meeting caused you to feel overwhelmed. I certainly can relate to that as well! It's hard to remember to engage in self compassion in moments where things don't quite go like we expect. But there are definitely things that I can take from this. Gotta keep remembering one step at a time. The next time will be different because now I know what I need.
 

Ash_3

Learning
Hi @Ash_3, what else is going on in your life at the moment?

Hi survivor3, it's been a hectic time in my life. My mother was recently diagnosed with borderline by her therapist in rehab, but her therapist doesn't believe my mother could handle the diagnosis so she is unaware of her mental illness.

I've been NC/low contact with her for a month or so but it's a tricky situation cause I'm in college and dependent on her financially (much of which was by her design as a way to control me) so I worked really hard to make enough money to move back to where I go to university but I'm still at a disadvantage with the expenses I need to provide for myself. I moved back on Friday so trying to get settled in. I also need to find employment, and a new therapist.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I understand. You've certainly got your priorities worked out. Good for you! Best wishes finding employment and getting a therapist. What are you studying? Made any new acquaintances?
 

Ash_3

Learning
I understand. You've certainly got your priorities worked out. Good for you! Best wishes finding employment and getting a therapist. What are you studying? Made any new acquaintances?
Thank you! I'm trying my best, it'll come together. It always does.

I'm studying mathematics! My new roommate and I have hit it off really well and I have a few friends that are around. I met them when I was here last but COVID makes it difficult to stay connected, that in conjunction with my PTSD. I'm hoping I can meet more people. I'm very lonely.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I saw this before, and my advice may seem counter-intuitive: under the circumstances, take nothing personal, who knows and there can be cognitive distortions. But respond as though it was, because JMHE but your intuition will probably be right. Notwithstanding hearing one's name is deeply personal, whether it be contractors, business, churches, or relationships, the beginning usually accurately predicts the center and the end, so be wary of trusting or investing too deeply. If it's just your business with God, you can go anywhere. If it's also for connection, and you can go with friends, great (safety in numbers), or you may want to go with them somewhere else, sometimes or completely.

I did hear one thing, re: churches, if you are included it's from God, if you are excluded it is not. Pretty simple and accurate.

Whatever you choose, good luck! 🤗
 
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